Nerd Heroine

Super Bowl

2012-01-30T13:34:00.003-06:00

This totally just happened:

Me, checking twitter, I see that the Giants and the Patriots are playing in the Super Bowl this weekend. I turn to a friend, R...

me: Hey, I didn't know the Giants made the Super Bowl, that's cool. Like a total east coast versus west coast thing.

R: *blank stare*

me: You know, how there both on the coasts.... away from each other.... [I'm making hand gestures to help him.]

R: Yeah, except they're in neighboring states.

me: Wait, I thought the Patriots were on the east coast somewhere.

R: They are.

me: And the Giants are in San Francisco.

R: New York.

A pause while I take this in, a confused look on my face...

me: It's not the San Francisco Giants?

R: That's baseball.

me: Oh....

I'm usually faking being sports dumb, but apparently closer to the truth than I thought it was.

Why I love my friends/family...

2012-01-30T01:19:00.001-06:00

Children under...

2012-01-29T16:44:00.003-06:00

Oh thank god I'm old enough to order this...

Bootstraps

2012-01-15T13:29:00.002-06:00

“For a political party that's all about pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, [Republicans] rely on god for a lot of handouts. These are the same people who tell the single mother who was just laid off ‘Oh, you can't get unemployment or food stamps. What am I gonna do? Well I’m gonna talk to my friend in the sky to help me.’

That is cheating and Ronald Reagan would be ashamed of you.” - Jamie Kilstein

Merry Christmas

2011-12-07T21:12:00.001-06:00

Okay peeps, here's the deal and I'll say it once.

NO ONE CARES IF *YOU* SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS. *NO ONE*.

Some stores say Happy Holidays because some people celebrate Chanukah, and some celebrate Kwanza and for some it's just another year. See also - holiday cards for the people who don't want to try and figure out what religion their third cousin is practicing at the moment. If you celebrate Christmas and want to shout it from the rooftops DO IT. If someone tries to shut you up the ACLU will gladly represent you (as they've done in the past).

But get off you persecuted high-horse. The government is not allowed to endorse one religion over another, so if you want to put up a tree in city hall you HAVE TO ALLOW other religions to put up a display as well. Sorry, that's how this country works and the law is there to protect you too.

But no one, not in a public position, not in a non-profit, has ever seriously put forth the idea that individuals cannot say Merry Christmas. Not now, not ever. Quit pretending they have just so you can act like you are a persecuted minority while Christianity enjoys a ridiculous amount of protection and privilege in the US.

It's absurd and you come across as the entitled assholes you are.

Merry Christmas.

Xena Season 1 Episodes 1-5

2011-11-26T16:35:00.002-06:00

Note: So I'm watching and reviewing Xena: Warrior Princess on netflix instant. I'll post however many I've done either in groups or at the end of the day (because we don't need 100 Xena posts now do we?). I'm typing these up based on my live notes, so some of it might seem like "You had to be there" moments. Cause really, you had to be there. There will be spoilers, because the show has been off the air for ten years now.

Episode 1: Sins of the Past
Our scene open on a beautiful woman (spoilers! it’s Xena) on horseback riding through a burned village. The flashback tells us that she was responsible for it’s burninantion. I’m not sure what it is about this one town, but Xena gives up her life of killing people, only to immediately change her mind and decide to kill only bad people when she sees some people being attacked.

Credits I'd forgotten how awesome the opening credits were. (And I want Lucy Lawless' body. Not like, in a trunk, but copied to my own. Pervs.)

[Do New Zealander's have, like, a Zealand accent? All these people sound American.]

Xena kicks ass through well-placed coincidental buried armor and a young woman, Gabrielle, steps up as what may be the world's first total fangirl. In an effort to ensure the village stays safe, Xena conquers her first barbarian warlord in the show through her awesome sexuality alone. You go girl. Gabrielle is not sexy, or sneaky. We are making many points of this throughout this episode.

Gabrielle: "I want to be a warrior."
Lilo [Gabrielle's sister]"Gabrielle, I can beat you up."

And here we have the first in what might be many of these instances, but I will only say it once (I’m lying): Trust your horse Xena, he's way smarter than you obviously. But despite the fact that Argo (the horse) had the since to run away from a cyclops who'd lost his eye, Xena does a good job getting rid of a him (the cyclops, not the horse) (Also, is a cyclops without an eye still a cyclops?) (The non-clops doesn't have bad CG for the record. Well, not awful anyway.) (I like parentheses)

Whoa whoa whoa, Draco (the barbarian who apparently has a name although I won’t remember it and why are they giving the awesome name to someone we won’t ever see gain? I ask you) is an asshole. He orders his men to pretend to be Xena’s and go on some pillaging and plundering and likely raping although it isn’t explicitly set out in the contract.

Gabrielle also encounters the non-clops, but manages to talk her way out of it by threatening to kill Xena and with that we have the Best line in the episode...

Gabrielle: "She'd never let a man get close enough to do her, at least not that kind of do her."

(And I see we've established Xena is feisty and Gabrielle is clever. Good use of show not tell, producers. Wooo! First use of the Xena nerve-pinch! Has that ever actually been allowed to run its course? Does it even work? Does anyone know?)

Xena continues her journey back to her homestead and comes across a group of women engaging in some annoying ass singing. Xena ignores my yelling at the screen: Kill 'em Xena. Kill! Kill! Kill! and instead rides straight by them. She arrives home and is slightly/ mostly ostracized by the people, up to and including her mother. I like how nobody comments on her outfit - like that little mini-skirt and bustier is totally the norm. Any hopes of reconciliation are dashed when “Xena’s” army comes through to rampage, pillage, and/or rape.

Xena goes out to meet the troops and Draco becomes the first in a long line of people to tell Xena to celebrate her dark side. Dude, that never ends well for the guy. Ever. They begin fighting on some conveniently places scaffolding, first person to touch the ground loses. And listen, I know it's her thing, but she can stop the yelling thing anytime.

In the course of the fight, they end up literally walking on people and I am flabbergasted by the townspeople allowing the bad guy to use them as stepping stones. Why don't these people knock the bad guy off, why are they just standing there letting him, literally, walk all over them? And WHY ARE YOU MAKING A DEAL WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS PROVED HIS WORD IS UNTRUSTWORTHY?!? Dammit Xena.

Xena let’s Draco go on the condition he not harm the village. So screw all the other villages out there I guess. Xena’s mom forgives her, she’s a hero(ine) to the townspeople and she and Gabrielle have and instant friendship. Awwww.

Gods seen: 0
Nerve Pinches: 1 (Fatal:0)

Episode 2: Chariots of War
This one was boring and I gtalked with someone instead of watching. Although there were scaffolding shenanig--- wait, nope. That was episode one. Never mind. Look, I didn't promise every episode did I? Some are just boring. Xena gets hurt, and the guy who nurses her back to health doesn't want her to fight. She resist for all of about ten seconds then kicks ass. It's forgettable. Easily.

Gods seen: 0
Nerve Pinches: 0 (probably) (Fatal:0)

[Wiki tells me the musical episode is in season 3 - I'm a little flabbergasted by the amount of things are going to have to happen between now and then.]

Episode 3: Dreamworker
The show opens on a little bait and switch, intending to emphasize that Gabrielle is in no way capable of defending herself. Which is true. Some Xena/Gabrielle discussion and we go into....

Credits Man, they got best use out of credits voiceover guy. He's amazing.

And when we get back, I notice Xena has lost her episode 1 headband, which is an awesome decision on her part. Some banter and discussion with local shopkeepers as we emphasize that Gabrielle wants to be as dangerous as Xena, but is totally incapable. Aaaand, the breast dagger makes it’s first appearance as Gabrielle buys it and proceeds to walk up to Xena breast first. Xena, rightly, takes it away from her for safe keeping in her own bustier of awesome.

And we have our Best line in the episode:

Gabrielle: "It's not like your breasts aren't dangerous enough."

As Xena discusses things with another local shopkeep, we find a blind magi and Gabrielle gets kidnapped by evil priests of the god Morpheus. In an attempt to make them release her, Gabrielle earnestly tells the priests, “I have lots of faults.” To save her, Xena goes into her own dreamworld and sweet baby Thor this show is already weirder than all 6 season of Hercules put together. Xena dreams of warriors chanting her names and crying women. But mostly of people accusing her of killing them or ruining their lives. Which, fair enough. Please note that this will be a running theme on Xena over the next 6 seasons.

Gabrielle is told she needs to pass tests in order to become bride of Morpheus and since the tests are pass or die, she steps up. [If universities operated on this principle we’d have a lot better calibre of graduates, I’m just saying.] In the other world, we’ve discovered that head priest lied, and that the point of the exercise is to get Gabrielle to kill someone for the first time so they can sacrifice her to Morpheus. And priest even sets Gabrielle up by handing her a sword. Bastard.

We cut back to Xena battling her demons in her dream world and frankly, I'm a little hazy on how what Xena's doing is going to help Gabrielle. In a magical moment, Xena passes on the “Do not kill” information to Gabrielle in a dream. And everytime someone says blood innocence I snerffle a little.

[We're three episodes in and haven't seen a god, I find that odd considering how prevalent they will become in later seasons. Anyway....]

The next challenge proves Gabrielle is clever - she gets the people to fight each other not her. But high priest has figured out Gabrielle knows - next time it’s kill or be killed.

Xena is still in dreamland fighting her inner demons. Of course she is. That’s all she ever does. Yet she doesn't recognize her own voice or silhouette (In all fairness, I wonder if I would recognize my own voice in that sort of situation?) Holy shitcakes, does evil-dream Xena have blacked out eyes? AHHHHH! She does! AHHHHH!

I want to note that this kill or be killed contraption for Gabrielle seems needlessly complicated. And while I am bouncing between two plots here, this show generally does have pretty good pacing, even in this episode. Xena defeats her demons and manages to teleport her body into the temple and fights the guardpeople. This show taught me that slicing someone across their chest with a sword kills them instantly. Xena wins, and frees Gabrielle. Huzzah!

Back in town, we have the second best line of the night by the storekeeper

Xena: How much do I owe you?
Storekeeper: Owe me? After taking care of the fear of the mystics, after making this valley a safe place to raise a family? Ten percent off everything

Xena and Gabrielle bond over what it means to kill people (I may be taking the wrong lesson from this) and then continue on into their adventures.

Gods seen: 0
Nerve Pinches: 0 (Fatal:0)

Episode 4: Cradle of Hope
This episode opens on a mystic woman giving the king of somewhere news that there will be a child in his future - it's not his child but will one day hold his throne, so I guess it's pretty bad news. This affects the king as you might expect. In his demense, his serving women are sending the child in question off in a reed basket. Did that really happen that much in ancient times? I mean, really? Off in their woodland encampment, Xena and Gabrielle wake up and discover the baby in the river - which Gabrielle somewhat hilariously thinks is a cat based on its crying. Bless.

Credits: Marry me voiceover guy?

When we return, Gabrielle wants to keep the baby, and Xena proves she's not really mother material several time over. Gabrielle wants to name the baby Gabriel, but Xena is all "Don't name anything you intend to eat."

In the castle, the king is convinced that he'll deal with an adult when the time comes - but his advisor/general wants to kill all the babies. Guys, I think the advisor might be the real bad guy here. Shhhh. Back on the road, Xena saves a young women from a mob. The woman is pretty blasé about the whole thing, truth be told. Although she gets a little uptight when Gabrielle drops her bag and a box falls out. Oh, turns out the woman is Pandora (well, the Pandora's granddaughter), and the box is the one that still contain all the world’s hope.

Xena, Gabrielle, Pandora and the baby arrive in town and settle in at a tavern. Troops arrive, along with evil advisor, and try and take little baby Xenu – but Xena’s got this and kicks ass even without her sword. She even goes alcohol flamethrower of AWESOME on their asses which is a neat trick really. Xena goes a little postal on the tavern-keeper who had fetched the troops in.. She does the nerve pinch to the guy. And almost does it again in a pretty funny moment you'd just have to see. While their discussing why soldiers want a baby, Pandora discovers the soldiers stole her box.

Back at the castle, the advisor/general cannot act his way out of a paper bag. It makes taking all of his 'kill the child' shenanigans a little funny really. Thee king is a good guy, as he proves repeatedly, so much so that I'm doubting the validity of the prophecy. I’m calling it, he ends up adopting the baby. You guys got that? Oh, and it turns out the box will open itself by midnight if not reset by Pandora. This is the plot thickening.

The principal people meet up in the tavern again, where the king makes it very clear he thinks Xena is a blood-thirsty savage, I don't think Xena was prepared to be the bad guy in this. Also, everyone in ancient Greece had amazingly blue eyes. Back at their hideout, Gabrielle has found a way into the palace and for the record, I'm still not convinced that “put the baby in the river” is a valid contingency plan. I feel it has some deep and irreparable flaws to it.

Turns out that tonight is the “let's sex up the advisor” festival. That's not what they call it but that's what it is. Xena sneaks in to do a sexy dance, which for the record involves more clothing than she normally wears. She succeeds in seducing the advisor, but the king barges in and grabs the box before Xena can make off with it, party-pooper. In bed in his chambers, the advisor is trying to sex up Xena (without having seen her face) and gets the Best line of the episode...

Advisor: "You spoke of pleasure?"
Xena: *over her shoulder face punch* "And you spoke of pain."

BWAH!

Xena makes her way to the king’s chambers to hear him confessing about his lost wife and child. She steals the box from the king, then jumps out a window in a move that should have dislocated something, but whatever. She proceeds to run around the market and scream “Gabrielle”, which, in my honest opinion, seems like not the best way to do what she's doing. Pandora resets the box and Xena takes the baby back to the king so he can raise it as his heir. HA! Called it.

Wait, the advisor is there to kill the baby? And maybe the king? Okay, that makes sense, but Xena then proceeds to grab the baby and run? That makes no sense whatsoever. Zany fight music ensues as they throw the baby around? WTF? That kid is totally getting shaking baby syndrome out of this.

Advisor is killed, the King and Pandora are getting married – and in the treasury Gabrielle knocks the box over, which turns out to be empty. Xena says it’s because Pandora is carrying hope, but I think that hope was invisible and it escaped but Xena and Gabrielle couldn’t see it.

Gods seen: 0
Nerve Pinches: 1 (Fatal:0)
Alcohol Flamethrower: 1

Episode 5: The Path not Taken

I tried to pay more attention to this episode because I actually feel a little bad for dropping the ball on the second episode, but man was this one forgettable. The best moment happen before the credits roll as Gabrielle nonchalantly strolls through a bar talking about how great everything is, while behind her, Xena kicks the ass of the random creepers making their move towards the two women. Also notable is her use of the alcohol flamethrower, prompting me post-adding a running total for that as well.

I don’t know, there’s a fairly interesting sidestory about one of Xena’s past loves, but given what we learn of her, I find it fairly unbelievable.

Although, this one does get a Best line of the episode because it is said without any shame or compunction by the baddie of the week.

“Have her bathed and perfumed and sent to my chambers.”

Heh.

Gods seen: 0
Nerve Pinches: 0 (Fatal:0)
Alcohol Flamethrower: 1

Final Thoughts
Some good moments, some bizarre. I don't think I'd seen any of any of the episodes, except maybe some of 5 which was vaguely familiar in parts.I do want to continue watching, but Xena is at its best when they involve monsters and gods and weirdness. And I want me some Ares action like right now. Dammit.

Running total:
Gods seen: 0
Nerve Pinches: 2 (Fatal:0)
Alcohol Flamethrower: 2

Highlander

2011-11-25T22:33:00.007-06:00

The following are my tweettastic real-time reviews of Highlander which I watched for the first time about two weeks ago. (I've reversed the order so it reads like a normally written post. You're welcome.)

+++

Who's ready for twitterspam? And guess who found out they have Highlander on Netflix instant? (Hint: these things are connected)

I tried watching this once in college and fell asleep (I was drunk, cut me some slack). Have never tried again.

Impressed with opening music. Might be my new ringtone.[Note from the future, it is.]

#Highlander already contains wrestling and bizarre sexualization of children. Weird things to forget, me.

Scotland looks nothing like a WWF match.#obviousmaybe

.@raging3vil I'm already super entertained by the hair. It can only really go down from here.

heh. Our "hero"(?) just did way more injury to himself than the bad guy did.

Christopher Lambert has the same kind of look about him as James Purefoy. I like James Purefoy.

While I was distracted we've killed the bad guy and caused his soul to... go into a car? Wait, what?

@nerdheroine You've NEVER seen Highlander all the way through? O_O #lossofnerdcred

@glossaria Fell asleep, blacked out, you know... shit happens.

Connor rides lack a sack of potatoes. I'm a little disappointed in him.

Ooh, nice armor. Good choice in bonewear for the fashionable evil overlord.

"Nobody will fight me." *is immediately stabnated by the first person to fight him* #hahaha

@nerdheroine THANK YOU! I have been laughing at that for years now.

@Anachronistic Ok. I'm glad I'm not the only person who thought that was silly. And HILARIOUS.

Who called the cops? There was no one in that parking garage.

Awesome mohawk on the somethingth century priest. Was LA running low on out of work actors?

Connor's headless explanation makes as much sense as anything else.

Ok guys, if you ever travel back in time, it's impossible to menacingly put a tape into a tapedeck.

I was going to make an exception for Mr Blonde but he was futzing with a radio, not a tapedeck. #ReservoirDogs

80s hookers had the best* clothes.(*ymmv)

This is movie is just making me want to make out with James Purefoy. #Highlander #nottheintendedresponseimsure

How does a Scottish guy pronounce Glenmorangie wrong? I have serious doubt about this documentary's verisimilitude. #Highlander

In retrospect, I think I have seen all of #Highlander2

"Hey, hold it right there. Come back here." The police kind of suck in 80s New York.

Wow, somethingth century justice was fierce. Although justice may not be the word I'm looking for.

Oooohh... can I have a secret room like that for all my treasures*? #Highlander (*comic books)

"I am Juan Sanchez Jose Carlos any-other-Spanish-sounding-names-you-can-think-of Ramirez. Ignore the accent. I'm totes legit."

But loving the peacock feathers Ramirez. Work it baby

Immortals are always extravagantly wealthy. I could live a thousand years and I'd still be broke as shit.

I am endlessly entertained by Sean Connery's protestations of not being Scottish.

Your woman is laughing at you man. Better sharpen up.

I hope he makes you go get that sword McLeod. What are you two doing fighting on top of a cliff anyway?

Apples always seem anachronistic to me in period films. But I guess they're not.

For the love of... When you get killed I'm not going to feel the least bit sorry. You had loads of chances to get out of there.

Where the hell is Connor in this lightning storm? Eh? Eh? #suspicious

Goddamn it Heather, I told you to get out of there.

Effin' Nazis man. Always screwing shit up.

I think antiquities chick has a Bat'leth on her wall

And on an even MORE AWESOME note: Firefox already had Bat'leth in it's dictionary. At least, it did... #StarTrek

Best earrings ever! ultimatequeen.co.uk/videos/images/…

I understand the New York is a unique place, but why would the New York police dept need an expert in ancient metallurgy?

Heather didn't die (then). I'm disappointed.

Best. Duel. Ever.

I have a feeling guy with the automatic is going to be sorely surprised here shortly.

I like old skool, non CG pyrotechnics. They're pretty rad.

I just noticed 80s women have the exact same hairdos as somethingth century Scottish men.

My attention is wandering. I think this about when I totally nodded off the last time I tried to watch this.

Ugh. I just noticed the safety pins hanging from Kurgan's throat wound. ew ew ew

Oh shit. I don't think Connor knew Heather got raped.

Who interrupts the evil looking guy indulging in an even eviler laugh in church?

Ugh ugh ugh! And now licking the priest? Dude. Pithy comment and pirouette non-withstanding, you're bizarre.

@nerdheroine Sarah Connor?

I interrupt your #Highlander tweetspam to say, @T800_Skynet just asked if Connor was Sarah Connor. And I'm literally LMAO.

Judging by how his floor fits together, I think Connor has a hidden staircase built in there.

Stab guy then kiss him? Seems very backwards. And now the sexing.

Women in movies are dumb as rocks.

Oh wow, everyone's make-up and prosthetics are showing in this final fight scene.

Kurgan is a dumbass. Or as my grandfather would have said, "Ain't the sharpest tool in the shed."

There can be only one! #Highlander #glassplosion

Those cartoon monsters are pretty awesome.

Nothing you've done is going to stop that chick from dying in ~60 years. You know that right?

Hrmmm, #Highlander was okay. Not awesome enough for me, but not quite bad enough to be awesome either. Would not say no to seeing again.

pieces

2011-11-10T12:08:00.004-06:00

I am coming apart at the seams.

The highs of this year have been better than I ever could have imagined. And the lows far worse than I ever could have prepared for. I have a new job I love in an amazing place, and have lost more than 10% of the people I love.

I'm exhausted, and it's tearing me apart. I really don't know what's holding me together anymore.

Occupy Oakland

2011-10-27T12:46:00.008-05:00

I'm a backseat revolutionary. I see that there are problems in the world but I either a) have faith that the people in government actually care and are trying to fix things, or b) feel like it can't be fixed. Either way, I generally don't get involved. There are very few issues I'm passionate about and they almost never come up in the news as they are a little (lot) fringe.

On Tuesday night, I was sitting in my new apartment reading textsfromlastnight and watching X-Factor. A fairly solid American night in. I toggled over to twitter and suddenly my tweetstream was on fire. I began to see pictures of people showing injuries from rubber bullets. Video of groups trying to outrun clouds of tear gas being set by the police. I started checking tweets from people who were there and the outcry was unanimous. A group of people marching in protest had been violently responded to by the Oakland PD. And the best defense Oakland could come up with was that protesters had thrown "paint and other hazardous chemicals"* at the police. Also, hearsay about one M-80 being thrown at a police officer.

I was stunned by this, and I sat in shock on my couch as I started frantically switching between news outlets both on my TV and online trying to find someone who was covering what was going on. At the time, only ABC was saying anything, and that wasn't much.

It didn't take long for me to move from stunned into angry. I very rarely get truly mad about something, although I get frustrated fairly easily, and when I do it generally has to do with injustice. Here was a group of people trying to make things better for everyone, being violently opposed by their own government.

Now, I'm not sure I support Occupy Wall Street. I understand and agree with what they are trying to do, but I'm not sure their methods are exactly the best. But on Tuesday night it didn't matter. These were US citizens being treated like a criminals.

I wrote the number of the one person I thought might bail me out of jail on my arm and I jumped in my car.

I'm not sure what I thought I would accomplish. One more person wasn't going to make a difference. But I couldn't think of any other way to let Oakland PD and indeed all of America know that this wasn't right. This isn't what America is supposed to look like. Not ever.

I'm pretty sure I parked illegally - every cop for forty miles had their hands full two blocks north of me, who was going to give me a ticket? And I started jogging towards 14th street.

Then a bang.

Bang doesn't even begin to cover the sound it made when it went off. It was loud enough to make me stop dead, jarring enough to stop my heart. The noise was less than two blocks away and I had no idea whether it was a gunshot, an explosion, or some even scarier third category.

That's when I saw the people running. And right behind them, like a monster from a Stephen King novel, a cloud of smoke.

It felt far away. Like another planet. Very unreal. Honestly, the sound of the canister going off frightened me more than the idea of the gas itself.

Until a change in breeze pushed the edges of the cloud my direction.

I didn't get a full face of tear gas. I can't imagine how painful that would be. The brief exposure I had made it almost impossible to breath and left me retching into the side of a building.

People, I guess with the same idea I'd had originally, were running past me to those who had caught the full brunt of the gas - pulling people out of the way, washing their eyes out with water and lending a shoulder for those who were having difficulty moving on their own.

This was the 'mob', this was the 'riot' that police from all over the East Bay had been called out to respond to.

Oh yes, this is an unruly group of people, what with their cameras and mobile phones. The only time a camera becomes dangerous is if you throw it someone's head. And by the looks of them they cost more than I make in a month so I sincerely doubt that was going on.

Now, I admit this was not all, or even a majority of the people down at Occupy Oakland. The people who had started it were behind the barricades, still fighting in many ways for their lives. There is no such thing as 'non-lethal', only 'less-lethal'. Can you imagine the fear? You're facing a much larger force which has already proven how far they were willing to take things on virtually no provocation. What could that possibly feel like to the people trapped behind the barricades in downtown Oakland?

But the police were not containing their aggression to the 'official' Occupy Oakland protests. They weren't containing it behind the barricades, but openly firing into public spaces. They were firing upon journalists and photographers. Hipster onlookers and curious college students. They were firing on the people trying to help the people who were fired on before. This wasn't crowd dispersal, it was a police-led riot.

I didn't stick around to get arrested. I was disgusted with the police, with Oakland, and a little bit with myself as it became increasingly clear that there was nothing I could do to help this situation. I was just another body downtown making the police nervous.

So I went home.

I had to pull over twice because my eyes were stinging so bad I still couldn't see. I've had breathing troubles since then.

This isn't America. In no world should this be how people who are legally and peaceably protesting their government are treated.

I haven't been a big supporter of the Occupy movement, their's just wasn't a cause I felt I could get behind. But a government assaulting its citizens? I'm not just mad, I'm not just riled up, I'm fucking furious.

"Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable."
-JFK

*If the top of your list of hazardous chemicals is 'paint', you're over-reacting. That's just a fact.

In memory of Suzanne

2011-10-09T12:45:00.001-05:00

I was eleven years old when I met Suzanne. She was my sixth grade teacher, and I'm ashamed to say that my class was the reason she refused to ever teach sixth grade again.

We gave her so much grief, and she took it with the grace beyond the realm of mere mortals. No matter how bad things got, how bad her life went, she faced it with a relentless optimism she wore like a suit of armor – ready to wield a joke and flash that beautiful smile.

I never would have guessed then that that rocky start would be the start of a friendship that has lasted 15 years.

Suzanne taught me so much, which is fitting all things considered.

She taught me that musical theater was more than just Cats. And that Steven Sondheim is by far superior to Andrew Lloyd Webber.

She taught me that to cut in line at Disneyland all you needed was a wheelchair and a friend willing to push you around – I'll give you three guesses on who was pushing whom.

She introduced me to the wonders of Ray Bradbury, and for the next three years took me to the LA County Book Fair to meet him – where I lugged three hundred pounds of books on her behalf.

She taught me the value of a good book isn't in how how much it entertains you, but by how much it changes your world.

She found it impossible to walk by a bookstore. They pulled her in like a giant lodestone – and she was the magnet. And once there, I don't think I ever saw her buy anything for herself. It was always “here, you'll love this” or “I should get these for my students”.

Her generosity was limitless.

Suzanne introduced me to Auntie Mame, and I cannot count the number of times she turned to me and say in her most dramatic interpretation “Dahling! Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!”

Suzanne never starved.

She lived life in a way that made every moment seem precious. A Thursday wasn't two days before the weekend, it was a chance to see a 1950s movie at an LA cinema or go to the Orange County Performing Arts Center.

She was a role-model in the best sense of the word.

She taught me that love was finding that one person who loves you for everything that you are. Who isn't blind to your faults, and loves you not in spite of them, but because of them. I can say, without any equivocation, that one of the proudest things in my life is that I helped Suzanne reunite with Tom.

She did so much for me, I will take credit for what little I could do for her.

Suzanne also taught me how to stand up for myself, and that being a woman means finding the strength and confidence from within yourself to go on when life was hard.

And her life was hard. She was dealt more blows than any person should ever have had to deal with – but she faced them with that spirit and cheerfulness and an unwillingness to accept things just because someone told her to. Some people might call that stubbornness, I call it willpower . She fought for every inch and earned everything she had.

But Suzanne's real gift was that she really and truly believed that you could do anything, and more so than that, she would talk to you, listen to you - and in the end, you believed it to.

Her ability to inspire and motivate was astounding and unwavering – she would believe in you long after you had given up on yourself. She was always available for that three AM phone call because you felt your life was falling down around your ears.

And she could pick you up and put the pieces back together without ever breaking stride.

Suzanne gave every person she met their own set of wings, stamped with her bright smile as the seal of approval, and she never asked for anything in return, she'd just stand back and let you fly...

I just wish we didn't have to do it without her.

To explore in peace

2011-10-03T16:19:00.004-05:00

In 1969 two men landed on the moon without full certainty that they would be able to take-off again. William Safire drafted the following in case Michael Collins was forced to abandon his two compatriots on the moon:

Fate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace

These brave men, Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin, know that there is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice.

These two men are laying down their lives in mankind’s most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding.

They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by the nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by a Mother Earth that dared send two of her sons into the unknown

Moving

2011-09-19T12:09:00.000-05:00

I have nothing pithy or entertaining to say about moving other than I wish it were over. Instead, have this -

*******************

Packing all of your belongings into a U-Haul and then transporting them across several states is nearly as stressful and futile as trying to run away from lava in swim fins.

(Go read the rest at Hyperbole and a Half)

Is he viscous?

2011-09-12T16:36:00.002-05:00

We have a theory in my family that my mom's boyfriend is a Russian spy. We believe this because he gets simple words mixed up - like plate and bowl - that someone who learned English as a second language might struggle with.

Case in point...

Move On

2011-09-11T11:20:00.004-05:00

A lot has changed in the last year since I wrote this.

But vengeance is not justice. They could hang Osama bin Laden on Ground Zero itself, resurrect him and do it over again a thousand times and it would still never be enough. My grief, our grief, is too strong, too close to be satisfied by something so trivial as revenge. I remember as well as anyone the bone-deep need for reprisal, but vengeance is not worthy of us. Not then and most certainly not now.

Back then I shared my own grief over September 11th simply as an American. I tried to be as calm and measured about it as possible. This year I'm not going to be - this year I'm going be whatever the opposite of that is.

It's time to move the fuck on.

On May 2nd, 2011 a group of American Navy SEALs shot bin Laden in the head. And for a little while it seemed the world was a better place. But quicker than anyone could have really imagined we got over it.

Every year, on September 11th, my television becomes an endless cycle of plane crashes and buildings falling. We've started two wars - twice as many American have been killed in those wars than died in the World Trade Centers*. Do you think, even for a moment, that May 2nd will receive the same treatment? I had to look that date up just now on Wikipedia, that's how little of an impact it made on me.

We can't keep this up forever, we can't stay mad - we can't wallow in out grief. It isn't healthy. If an individual did what we collectively have done as a nation every year they would be recommended to psychiatric care.

Do we forget? Never.

But can we please, for the love of god, move the fuck on?

*WTC Deaths: 2977; Deaths in Iraq/Afghanistan 6026

Date a Girl who Reads

2011-09-05T11:42:00.001-05:00

"Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes."

-Rosemarie Urquico

Apollo 18

2011-09-03T00:18:00.006-05:00

(I forgot to hit post on this back in Sept. My bad)

Holy shit people. At one point, with my feet in the seat and my hands over my ears I was squinting at the screen waiting for the bad thing I just knew was coming and realized that the thump-thump, thump-thump I was hearing wasn't onscreen, but my own goddamn heartbeat. My heart has not beat that hard for that long ever.

When the movie finished I think I was in legitimate medical shock. I was laughing hysterically and shaking. I couldn't take my eyes off the screen.

Holy shit.

Best
Movie
EVER.

Like many of the movie that have come out the last few years, Apollo 18 claims to be a 'found' movie - cobbled together from footage rather than actually filmed. In some cases this can be ridiculous as the production values give away the secret, no matter how much shaky-cam you have. (I'm looking at you Cloverfield). In Apollo 18 the film is scratchy, the colors occasionally over-exposed - I could actually buy into the concept that this was footage from the 1970s.

And that's what makes this movie so scary. You know it's just a movie - you're not watching some special on the History Channel (which has lost all credibility so I wouldn't have been surprised if it was), but you can believe that you are. There's no soundtrack, and the cameras are either stationary on the lunar lander or the handheld ones from the astronauts.

The scariest moments come in snippets - not when things are jumping at you - which by and large they don't. This isn't really a loud noises and bloody movie. It's noticing things moving where they shouldn't be, details and minutiae that you as the viewer are privy too but the astronauts are not. You watch it build up, over and over and over again until you're wound so tight you feel like you might just burst. And the really awful part is?

It never lets up. By the time the credits rolled I was shaking. I started laughing at myself for being so shook up, which quickly took on the edge of hysteria.

Now okay, fine, I'm not a horror movie person so this movie might have been chock full of clichés (I hear it was) of the 'found movie' genre. But since I'm not a scary movie person, they were all new and intensely terrifying to me.

I don't want to ruin a moment, I don't want you to not see it because I say something that makes it sound stupid. Go to the theatre, go rent it, watch it in a darkened room and then go outside and take a good long look into the night sky.

And your doom.

Buffer

2011-08-14T16:39:00.002-05:00

So my blog tends to be fairly light-hearted, wry and even whimsical. However, due to some events this summer the three posts below this are quite serious and emotional.

This post is here to serve as a buffer between the two.

Farewell

2011-07-23T08:00:00.000-05:00

It's not a surprise that you're gone - but it is a shock. Even knowing that you were about to leave us doesn't lessen it.

I wish you hadn't. I wish you were still here. I wish I could have told you all of the things I wanted to when I saw you last. I didn't, because I didn't want my last time with you to be sad. I didn't want to say goodbye. Saying goodbye made it too real.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't spend more time with you. I'm sorry I didn't hug you more, listen to you more. I'm sorry I wasn't with you when you left us. And I'm sorry you won't get to meet more of your grandchildren, and I'm even more sorry they won't get a chance to meet you.

But you're not gone, not really. You won't be gone until all of us whose lives you touched, all of us who remember you, are gone.

And I can take comfort from that.

Because when that day comes I will be gone as well. Which means I never have to live without you. You live on in my heart. You live on in my mule-headed stubbornness. You live in my eyes, my nose, my chin - and every time I look in the mirror I see a little of you.

I will miss you more than I can ever put into words. But just because you're no longer here doesn't mean you're gone. And it doesn't mean I love you any less.

Goodbye Pa-paw.

Coping

2011-07-09T21:30:00.001-05:00

The short version is that I'm not, not really.

If I let my mind wander for even a minute I find myself overcome with tears. But I'm not crying, haven't cried since I got back to Louisiana.

We laugh and we smile and we try to make grandpa's last days here as painless and full of love as possible.

But it's hard.

When I feel myself begin to unravel, when I feel myself begin to tear up I imagine that I am, actually tearing in two. From just behind my eyes down my chest on through my stomach.

Then I imagine a giant needle and thread and I slowly loop a stitch around the tear. When I finish, usually up to about my throat, I take a deep breath and pull the thread tight.

It buys me a few more minutes to smile and laugh with grandpa.

Pain

2011-07-08T12:24:00.005-05:00

My grandfather is dying in the next room.

It's not going to be in the next few minutes, and probably not in the next few hours. But his time left can be measured in days - not weeks.

I've come home to say goodbye.

I've been crying almost nonstop since Monday. It took days before I turned to any of my friends to share what was going on. Even then, it was only short statements to let them know why I've been acting strangely.

This is partially (maybe mostly) my own fault. I really hate to feel as though I am manipulating others and go to great lengths not to sway people. I don't particularly like being the center of attention and I absolutely despise being coddled. I say I've done nothing but cry since Monday but my crying as been done out of sight. Ducking into empty rooms and around corners. I never intended for anyone to see me at all.

Yet when you spend most of your day crying so hard it physically hurts you, it exhausts you, what are you to think when not a soul notices?

I want to grab people by the shirt and shout in their faces. I want to shake them, curse at them, beat against their chests.

Can't they see I'm in pain?

Can't they see everything in me is being ripped apart?

I've been falling to pieces in front of their eyes and they aren't even seeing me. How can anyone be so blind? Who are you to mistake my false smiles for the real thing?

I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to run. I want to take everything I own, head for the hills and never look back. I want to not care because caring hurts too much to bear right now.

I want to wrap my arms around someone and cry until I just don't have anything left in me. I want to hear them say I'll be okay because right now I don't believe it. It doesn't feel like anything will ever be okay again.

...

But I can't do any of that.

Because I'm the strong one.

I'm the rock.

I'm the person you can always turn to when things go wrong.

I'm the one who drops everything and races cross-country so that you won't go through your own pain alone.

I'm not sure I know how to be anything else. I'm not sure I know how to accept people's good will. Sympathy actually makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don't know how to deal with it, I don't know how to be gracious about receiving help when the last thing I want is to talk about it.

I understand this isn't rational, it's pure emotion and makes no sense. Emotions so rarely do.

My pain is my own, guarded jealously from those who might wish to share it. I would never willingly place that burden on another. But is it too much to ask that someone see that I struggle and take on the burden without asking?

And why is it I can sit down and right all this to put on the internet for strangers to see, but I can't openly tell the people closest to me?

Microsoft

2011-05-23T11:59:00.005-05:00

I am trying to turn my laptop into a dual-boot. Keeping Ubuntu on one-side and installing Microsoft on the other. For all my love for Ubuntu - I have a laundry list of products that don't support using anything but Windows and thus - here I am.

I am, however, having problems installing Windows 7. I was warned that the 3-pack of installations that my father bought had buggy product keys and that I was going to have to call in order to have it fixed. I was not looking forward to this, but whatever. We use Windows 7 at school and I rather like it, so let's do this.

My phone call to Microsoft - with a VERY SPECIFIC problem - took me an hour and a half to finish. I say 'finish' not 'resolve' because... well, I'll get to that. In the course of this call:

1) I was transferred upwards of eight times. Three of those were not to other departments, but back to the main menu where I would have to start the entire process over.

2) I was accused, vehemently, of having them on speaker phone since they couldn't understand me. One lady even went so far as to circumspectly accuse me of lying to her when I maintained that I wasn't.

3) The man who finally took on the apparently gargantuan task of checking my product key comes back only to tell me that their system is down and can I call back in an hour. He later rescinded this and did some sort of magic - but seriously Microsoft? You don't inspire confidence in your product when I call into your own support center and the system is down. You should look into that.

4) I'm told that the product is out of warranty. Excuse me? A product that has never been activated, and therefore never used is out of warranty? "So what your telling me is that I was sold a product that won't install correctly but you refuse to help me because it's somehow fallen outside of warranty - even though it has never been activated or registered?" "Yes ma'am."

5) I apologized for raising my voice to him, asked to speak to someone else and that man then hung up on me. I kid you not.

There is a reason... there is a reason I happily switched to a Linux-based system two years ago. A system that has never crashed, never failed and never given me one frakkin' problem. I still need to do a Windows install. There are programs I need for my summer teaching fellowship that just don't work on Ubuntu. But I will be damned if I use a legal copy.

Microsoft - you have turned a girl who has legally downloaded every song she owns into a pirate. I hope you're happy.

Pirates non-Spoiler Spoiler

2011-05-20T08:23:00.001-05:00

Yeah, that's totally Dame Judi Dench in a cameo. Totally.

Priest

2011-05-15T18:46:00.006-05:00

Priest takes place in a world where, due to a war with the extremely superior vampires, humanity has taken refuge in large city-state compounds where they are protected by a dominant and creepy church. A church that seems to have forgotten half of scripture - or maybe in this world the Bible reads "Let humans rule over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. Except vampires. Seriously, those guys will fuck you up." To combat the vampires, priests are created/born/magicked/summoned/trained (it's not really made clear) to fight the vampires and they do a damn good job as by the time the movie begins vampires are all but eradicted.

Enter the plot: A young girl who is related to our main character is kidnapped by vampires, including vampire Karl Urban. She is a lot more upset by this than I would be. Our hero, who doesn't have a name, sets off on an epic quest to rescue her - defying the church and picking up some help along the way. His non-spoilery help is an outland sheriff. His spoiler help is another priest, this one a woman who is desperately in love with him - one can only assume because he is Paul Bettany since he's quite clearly not interested in pursuing her in any way shape or form.

There are crazy beast-vampires, a cave troll (seriously, looked exactly like one), a vampire queen who we barely see or hear about but I was totally rooting for, human-vampires, old-west gunslinging and what-not and lots of other things happening. Despite all of these other things happening, easily 64% of the movie is this:

Someone was really proud of those motorcycles is all I'm saying. And if I can digress for a moment's not-really-spoilers nitpick: At points in the movie we see our characters on these open motorcycles going upwards of 200mph across the desert. I don't know if you've ever stuck your head out a car window (or ridden a motorcycle I suppose), but it becomes extremely difficult to breath once you hit about 60. Watch your dog sometime, he'll pull his head in around 45-50. And yet, our heroes seem to have no problems. Now, there is a scene where the pull up somewhere and take off both goggles and pull off respirators - which would explain how they manage to breath. But it's one scene in what is, dead serious, 64% of the movie. The rest of the time I kept expecting them to blackout and fall over mid-ride.

Anyway, back to the review.

On the plus side the CG was good, nothing to complain about and for the most part blended seamlessly with the movie. I would like to meet whoever did the matte-painting of the cities because they were pretty awesome. The vampires had some issues with actually being in the scene, not just comped in, but all in all the effects were enjoyable and were it not for the plot issues I'd say might be worth the money for 3D (even though it wasn't filmed in 3D and it irks me to pay an extra $6 for an often poorly rendered visual effect).

This movie had one of two major problems - and I find it hard to write about because I'm not sure which exactly it was suffering from. And the two are exact opposites. Either:

A) Priest had too many plotlines. I only cared about maybe two and the rest were boring and felt like filler. I HATED the sheriff character and wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face several times and tell him to STFU - Cam Gigandet did his best to sell the character, but he wasn't given an awful lot to work with. It should have been pared down to just Paul Bettany and Karl Urban - although the 'plot' concerning Urban's character could have been dropped too and just left him in for the pretty value. I enjoyed the character, don't get me wrong, but his motivations were never fleshed out enough to make him interesting. If they had cut everything down to just Bettany and made it into a futuristic vampire version of Taken it might have stood a chance.

B) There wasn't enough plot. I felt like there was this whole world to be explored - mysteries and intrigues and mythology that just never got touched upon. Is this story earth? Apparently not because humans and vampires have supposedly been engaged in a bloody war forever - not just recently. But if it's not earth - why the hell do they have the same bizarre church with the same bizarre mythology? Who made the priests? Why does vampiring work the way it does? How vampires work at all isn't really explained and some of the things that were said seem to contradict each other.

Somehow, defying all odds and logic to how stories work, Priest managed to stay perfectly between these two. The result of which is it had exactly the wrong amount of plot.

[Note: Okay, I know it was a comic book and thus the original source will likely answer some of my questions - but don't ever adapt something that can't stand on its own. It's like, the first rule of making an adaptation. See: Why Lord of the Rings was 10 hours long.]

[Note 2: I'm going to say right here, before I go any further, that I would LOVE to see a director's cut of this. I sincerely hope that they just cut too much out for the movie to stand up on its own. An editing mistake rather than 'this whole movie is awful' mistake.]

All props to Paul Bettany - and lord knows I love that man and I would go see anything he was in because he succeeds splendidly more times than he fails spectacularly - but this movie was just not good. And it was trying too hard to be good to be awesomely bad. Both he and Karl Urban acted their hearts out - and you could tell for sure that Urban was enjoying himself immensely - but you can give an Oscar-worthy performance in a movie and it won't change the fact that it's about Catholic Old West Vampires.

I feel like this movie should have been to vampires what Firefly was to scifi. A different take on an old formula that might have revitalized an entire genre. And maybe as a comic book it was. But as a movie, Priest lacks the charm to be endearing, the polish to be dramatic, and the cajones to be scary. All in all, it failed as a movie at the most basic levels.

With all the love in my heart for Mr Bettany and Mr Urban, I wish I had my $9 back.

Worst Case Scenario

2011-04-05T10:21:00.005-05:00

Whenever I am trying to make a decision - usually relatively benign such as 'Should I wear this hat today? - I always ask myself the follow-up question, 'What's the worst that could happen?'

You might think that in this case it would be something like appearing on fugly.com. But no.

No matter what the decision is, my brain immediately turns to some variation on this...

People fleeing in the background, optional.

And that, kids, is why I almost never try anything new.

A-Team

2011-04-03T20:55:00.006-05:00

Oh my god y'all, how did I miss this when it came out? If my not seeing it in the theaters directly contributes to their not making a sequel I am going to be so mad, you don't even know. I will sign an affidavit that I will go see the sequel.

I love this movie.

I watched A-Team for the first time on Tuesday night while I was making my dinosaur coat (I will blog about my dinosaur coat later, promise). Since Tuesday, I have watched this movie at least three times every day - more on some. And I am no where close to being sick of it. I laugh at the jokes and cheer the action every time. You could not have made a movie better designed to fit my interests.

Do I even need to recap? Or can I make the assumption that if you are reading my blog of all things you have a fair idea of who and what the A-Team are. I have never in my life seen an episode (or at least hadn't before Friday night - yay Netflix), and even I could have given you a basic rundown on the show.

Put four crazy personalities into high-pressure situations, mix in self-deprecating humor and a generous amount of awesome. Sit back and watch it explode.

Quentin Jackson does an amazing Baracus - managing to fill Mr T's shoes without ever feeling like he's making fun or doing an impression. [Similarly, think Zachary Quinto in the new Star Trek.] He had a pretty silly B-plot, but I didn't pay it much heed and you might as well not either.

Bradley Cooper is pretty as always, and although he's not my favorite actor in the world, he plays Face perfectly. That role might as well have been written for the guy. Even at his most smarmy, you still want to take him out for a drink. His entire demeanor when saying "I'm worried!" in the hospital about fifteen minutes in sells the line in a way I can't really imagine anyone doing.

You know who may be my favorite actor in the world? Sharlto Copley. He was amazing in District 9, and as far as I can tell this is only his second major film, and he nails it. He has now gone on the very short list of actors whose films I will see regardless of what the film is about. I think that list is only about three names long at the moment. Watching him play Murdoch was a pleasure - I would shill out the $15 I paid to see Sucker Punch (which I enjoyed, but no where near as much) just to watch two hours of Copley playing Murdoch.

Lastly, and bestly, is Liam Neeson - the silver-haired fox. Rrowr. He straddles between father-figure and brother-at-arms so deftly that you'd think he was Hannibal. Now, I'll be the first to admit that watching him play what is in essence a comedic role is a significant percentage of what makes the movie so awesome for me. I'm finding myself disappointed he hasn't done more comedy roles - he does serious so well that it's both surprising and awesome to see how well he plays Hannibal's grinning, cigar-chomping mastermind. Also, he's gorgeous. I have a crush, okay? What woman doesn't?

There are some hilarious moments, one with the CIA operatives in a van about two-thirds of the way in that has me in stitches every time. "Hey, final request - don't let this guy shoot me please." Also, any scene with Murdoch, Copley plays him so hilariously insane you can't help but smile every time he appears on screen just in preparation for what he might do.

I'm not going to pretend this is a masterpiece of cinematography - there are parts of the movie and the plans that I am still catching, even on this - my twentieth or so - viewing. But do I care? No. And neither should you. As Hannibal says, "Overkill is underrated." The movie is outrageous, and enjoyable precisely because it is so outrageous. This movie is solid action movie fun.

For the past ten years Negotiator has been my favorite film. Although I only ever watch from about thirty minutes in to thirty minutes out - the bits actually in the building to be frank. But I love every minute of A-Team and it is so totally my new favorite. I'm so pissed I didn't go see it in the theaters. I don't think it was marketed well to the 18-34 year old female demographic, frankly.

If you haven't seen it, get it. If you did and didn't like it, give it another chance. Serious. It deserves it. I pity the fool who doesn't see this movie.

Alpha. Mike. Foxtrot.

Packages

2011-03-21T17:35:00.004-05:00

Last week I sent my bestest friend a package using a flat-rate box. I remember this well because the post office lady and I discussed how I was actually losing money because the box was so light. I also sent a painting via UPS because it was a goofy size and I didn't have a box for it.

Today I got a text saying that the UPS package arrived and to explain something in the box. This confused me. It was a pretty self-explanatory painting. When questioned, I realized she meant something from the flat-rate USPS box which included some shirts. I stated this.

[The following are our texts]

L: I believe that the wearable items were delivered by ups, dear. Check your tracking number.

NH: No, it was a USPS flat rate box. I remember it well.
And only you could figure out a way to wear the other package.

L: It was not! I'm looking at it now. It's brown.
A brown UPS box arrived today containing a pair of socks, a robe, a t-shirt and a mysterious little frame WHICH YOU ARE NOW GOING TO TELL ME ABOUT.

NH: That was a flat rate box! I VIVIDLY remember this. Because I wrote it to [name], NY NY, USA, Earth. And it made the post office lady laugh.
I VIVIDLY recall this.
And I will tell you when I am DAMN WELL READY TO.

L: I am TAKING A PICTURE OF THE BOX. RIGHT NOW.

[I have not, as of yet, seen this evidence.]

NH: I'm so confused. I'm calling you.

[At this point, I called and had one ring before being shunted to voicemail.]

NH: Or I'm not calling you because you're texting in class.

[She totally was, and got in trouble for trying to take a picture of the box during class.]

[A phone call followed later in which her doorman stated to god above there was no other package for her and then I had it out with her doorman and she hung up on me. A few moments later...]

L: Hmm. Maaaaybe you were right about the 2nd pkg.

NH: HA!.
Ha. Ha. Ha.

[I am, as always, gracious in victory.]

I don't know what happened to the first package, or why it spontaneously changed colors. I am confused by this, but by god I was at least right about something today.

A Graph

2011-03-09T11:00:00.002-06:00

Like a boss...

2011-03-02T20:17:00.002-06:00

I came home this evening after twelve hours of work/school. I made myself a martini, put salmon and asparagus in the oven and started my rice cooker.

I feel like a goddam grownup.

I'm going to go read comics for a while or something - this is just to weird.

Also, I'm making an effort to work 'like a boss' into my conversations more. Just FYI.

Dance Craze

2011-03-01T16:40:00.003-06:00

There is a new dance craze sweeping the nation - based off Weekend at Bernie's unless I completely miss my guess. I only guess because the Berney of 'Move it like Berney' is spelled differently.

I bring up this new dace 'craze' only because it started right here, within ten miles of my home. I am so thoroughly ashamed by this.

I would be willing to pay good money to someone willing to dance like this for me. Serious.

Broken Birthday

2011-02-21T12:36:00.002-06:00

So last year on my birthday, I gave away some stuff online as you might remember. That was loads of fun, but this year - despite having two jobs and not even having one last year - I am super broke. So there will be no giving away of gifts today. Not because I don't love you guys, but because I have nothing to give but blood, toil, tears, and sweat. And USPS frowns on mailing those.

As a general rule, I have pretty mediocre birthdays. Whatever family I'm near takes me to dinner, I get a few presents, if I'm lucky a friend might take me to lunch. I can't remember the last time I had a party. I have on occasion tried to organize a party for myself (which is so blatantly sad as to be cringe-worthy), but no one ever shows. I try to get a dozen people together at a bar, and end up sitting by myself nursing a mojito while I receive texts saying how sorry people are they couldn't make it but to 'do a shot for them!' Even as a kid, most of my birthdays consisted of going out with groups of my parents' friends - who I love dearly and always will - because I didn't have enough friends to make a party.

As a result, I've become pretty defensive about birthdays in general. I will make the biggest deal in the world if it's yours, but I'd say at least 80% of the people I consider to be my friends don't even know that today is a special day for me.

The reasoning goes like this: if people know it's my birthday and it ends up being a letdown, then I'm sad and disappointed and go to bed listening to Juice Newton albums. If no one knows and my birthday is a letdown, I can always comfort myself that had they known it would have been amazing and awesome and other adjectives beginning with 'A'. Aardvarkian perhaps. The flip side being that there is literally no possible way that this day can go how I hope it will. I have doomed myself to repeats of the last ten-fifteen years. Quiet times at home, quiet dinners, a quiet life.

So here I sit, in an empty research lab, wearing my pretty dress and heels because I wanted to look nice today. I don't want to be sad - I have family that loves me and friends that care. I know that I do.

But I never feel more alone all year than I do on February 21st.\

======================================================

Edited to add:

Okay, this has gone a long way to making this birthday pretty awesome. Anathema (not her real name) knows me too well... Rocket Science Barbie.

Bad Project

2011-01-24T20:51:00.002-06:00

There is something truly amazing about this. Not just a group singing Lady GaGa's Bad Romance, but they parodied it in a tribute I can totally identify with it.

Recap

2011-01-23T18:55:00.002-06:00

Whoever is in charge of selling this to me, they have done a splendid job of it despite their obvious intentions...

(click to embiggen)

A really bad joke...

2011-01-20T20:10:00.004-06:00

A bunch of functions are sitting in a restaurant when suddenly, a crazy masked operator bursts in the door.

"I'm here to rob this place and I'm going to start differentiating all y'all if you don't leave right now!"

All the functions make a run for the door, except one sitting in a booth near the back. The operator notices this and says "Hey, didn't you hear me? I'll differentiate you til there ain't nothin' left!"

The function in the back smiles, "Go ahead, I'm e^x."

Mavericks

2010-12-28T22:11:00.003-06:00

Real conversation (names changed to protect the innocent) (Neither was me for the record.)

Dan: "While I'm in Dallas next week some of the guys are taking me to a Mavericks game."

Carol: "You? They're taking you to a Mavericks game?"

Dan: "Yeah. So?"

Carol: "You have absolutely no interest in sports."

Dan: "Well..."

Carol: "Tell me something, what sport do the Mavericks play?"

Dan: "..................................... basketball?"

Carol: "Are you sure? Are you sure you don't need to bring a jacket because it's hockey?"

Dan: "....."

Dan: "......dammit....."

Dan: [goes off to check internet]

Dan: "Ha. It is basketball!"

Trouble with Vamponies...

2010-12-24T20:30:00.001-06:00

With all due respect to Cleolinda's Secret Life of Dolls...

So much has happened since February that I don't really have any idea where to begin.

We had some problems when last we spoke of my toys, namely because Edward had given in to his baser urges and murdered ~~one of~~ my pony. It was kind of my fault, but at least 60% of the blame falls on him. At least. Also, apparently she tasted like rainbows. Make of that what you will.

The thing is, although he certainly murdered her, he didn't exactly kill her. There were, *ahem*, complications.

She's My Little Vampony. Awww...?

We also had a problem as she's spent the last few months causing a great deal of mischief. Nothing too crazy, I would find jars of food left open on the counters, toilet paper unrolled in the bathroom, Lego buildings dismantled and scattered where bare feet could stride on them and then curse the days they were born. Stuff like that. She hasn't, it seems, been eating anything that I know of which I find odd and would like an answer to all things considered. I had sent my ~~best~~ ~~second-best~~ a pretty good hunter after her, but he had thus far met with nothing but abject failure.

Yeah, that's the Star Trek/X-Men crossover book you see to the left of Larry.
What of it?

Um, dude... are you okay?

"Yeah... yeah, I'm good, I'm good. I'll walk it off... owww...."

From above me I heard a light, tinkling cackle. Like windchimes being put through a shredder. It was more than a little disturbing.

"Could have gone without hearing that."

Me too. Wowzers. So obviously Larry was useless-

"Hey!"

That was said in text, you can't hear me. Don't ignore the laws of narrative construction dude. ANYWAY... Larry was useless and the best scientific minds available were of no help - either on the capturing her or curing her front.

"Eet sayz right zere that the vamponiez are a terrible scourge upon zeez landz..."

"Get ahold of yourself man, you were made in China."

"Me read book rong time-"

No. That's racist, stop it. Stop it now.

"Awwww...."

"If you could catch her, bring her in for study we might be able to reverse the process. It would help if we could talk to that glittering grasshopper-"

Glittering grasshopper? Really? And he's, otherwise occupied.

"Otherwise occupied? What is more important than saving Moon-"

I SAID HE WAS OTHERWISE OCCUPIED. OH LOOK, HERE COMES LARRY. HI LARRY.

What's up Larry? Anything? Any luck? Do you have Moonshine trapped under a potted plant somewhere, please tell me you have Moonshine trapped under a bucket. I need to hear this right now Larry.

Larry gave me the side-eye for a moment. "No, no I don't."

"Have you, in fact, accomplished anything these past few months?"

"I cleaned out from under the bedroom dresser."

And we all appreciate that.

"Have you even gotten within two feet of Moonshine?"

Larry sighed and hung his head, "No."

Leonard, leave Larry alone. He's been trying really hard and he has really short arms. It can't be easy to OH, OH DEAR. OH SWEET MARY MOTHER OF CTHULHU.

GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF

Larry rushed at my foot, stabbing me with his big ole toe claw in the process. Which also hurt. He roared and chased after Moonshine while I submitted myself to triage from McCoy.

Am I going to turn into a Vamhuman now? That sucks.

"You know, I'm pretty sure they're just vampires at that point."

I did not ask for lip from you. The important question is am I going to turn into... oh god, I'm sparkling, I'm starting to sparkle. Make it stop, MAKE IT STOP.

"You are not sparkling. And wow are you yelling a lot today."

I JUST GOT BIT BY A SPARKLEPONY, I THINK I HAVE THE RIGHT.

"Shhhh, shhhh. If you quit shouting there will be a lollipop for you after."

A red lollipop?

"Yes."

Okay then.

I'd love to say that was the worst thing to happen that day. And in all fairness it was the worst thing to happen to me, but McCoy had just finished putting a Scooby-Doo band-aid on my foot when I heard a large thump and roar from the next room.

It took me a moment, but luckily Sam came to my rescue.

"He's under the book ma'am."

You have to admit it is a little karmic all things considered.

Wow that's a big book. Where did that even come from, why do I own this? Also, not a good day for you is it?

"No, no it is not. I think I broke my orange."

You broke your orange? How does that even happen?

"Don't ask."

As I watched Larry limp away, tail dragging limply behind him, it occurred to me that it might be time to turn to a better class of hunter than Larry who, for all his pomp, doesn't really move at anything better than a brisk waddle. Unfortunately, my options here were extremely limited. My second-best hunter... well...

There were, shall we say "issues" when I introduced Rorschach to the household last summer. I had started by keping him pretty well confined to the closet with a small blank notebook on a keychain I won out of a bubblegum machine last year. This worked well until I caught him waterboarding Larry in the bathroom sink while demanding answers on where all the other dinosaurs went. Larry was mostly unaffected by this, although he was pretty soggy for a few days. Since then, I had kept Rorschach tied up but in sight.

"What exactly is it you expect I'll do?"

Set the place on fire? Murder the godless liberal Tolkien dolls? Kill the neighbors dog? The opportunities are truly endless.

".... That's fair."

You comfortable up there? Need anything? I'm all out of beans but they are on the grocery list.

"Can I have my grappler gun back?"

No.

"... That's also fair."

Really, when you got right down to it, it was inevitable that I would find myself looking up at a morose Sparklepire with a flyaway bouffant and lean look about him.

Have you eaten anything since... since February?

"No."

Aren't you hungry?

"No."

Are you lying to me?

"Yes."

Well alrighty then. I don't suppose you would consider helping us catch-

"No."

No you don't mind or no you won't do it?

"No."

Ooookaaay.....

He's been like this all year y'all. It's upsetting and makes me want to punch him but the Lorax has taken a keen interest in him for reasons known only to himself and gets riled when I push. And you don't want to see the Lorax riled.

"'Sup."

'Sup. How do you feel about helping us catch the loose vampony?

"Not exactly kosher."

I'm not sure the Torah has a contingency for sparklepony.

"True. Heya! What's up green dude? Why the long face?"

"Hi Lorry." Larry paused to straighten his tail out as best he could, choking back dinosaur sized tears. "Moonshine pushed me off the shelf, then dropped a book on me."

Y'all, I have never seen a such a sad sight as this green and orange dino moping his way across the carpet. Apparently neither had Edward.

"She did what?"

Larry began to sniffle. Oh don't cry, don't cry, please don't cry-

"She pushed me off and then she laughed at me and while I was trying to get up she dropped a book on me a really big book and it hurt a lot and my tail is bent and my orange bits are broken and I'm not sure but I think she mussed my hair up too and it hurts and I just wanna-" His entire soft, fluffy body shook from the force of his sobs.

I was shocked with how quickly Edward left the bookshelf. He placed a soothing hand upon Larry's head. I couldn't here what passed between them but Larry was still sniffling but seemed infinitely more cheerful.

"I'll be back soon."

He walked off, leaving me with Larry.

"Where is he going?"

I don't know Larry.

"Will he be back?'

I don't know.

"Will he-"

Larry! I. Don't. Know.

"Okay."

"Don't snap at the sauropod dude. That is so not cool."

Are your stoned?

"...maybe."

How does that even happen?

He shrugged, leaned further back on his shelf and went to sleep.

After giving Larry the cuddle he so desperately wanted I carried him into the living room and set him down near where my scientists were studying. He immediately made a nuisance of himself.

"Whatchya doin'? Huh? Huh?"

"I vas reading dis book. But you, green sir, are ztanding upon it."

"Where is the accent even supposed to be from?"

"Ooh look! It says here that sparklepires are part of some 19th century craft project gone wrong. That explains so much..."

"If you vill not zees this interference I shall be vorzed to reckon vith you."

"Bring it Texas-hair."

Someone needed to stop this, luckily it need not be me. Because Edward, in typical Edward fashion, had returned scarcely ten minutes after his departure. One-upping everyone and making the month-long campaign to capture Moonshine look like exactly what it was - a waste of time.

His arrival was so abrupt that McCoy dropped his tricorder and went for his phaser. Larry, bless him, hid behind me.

Edward looked at me, "I trust you can contain her?"

Larry peeked around my calf. "Good grief Mr Eddy, that sure was fast."

"I've asked you not to call me that Larry."

"Sorry."

"How did you find her so fast?" McCoy was bent down, attempting to revive Einstein who had fainted dead away when Edward arrived with his prisoner.

"She's been hiding in Heroine's Elvis purse for the last three months. It wasn't hard."

"You have an Elvis purse?"

I think that is beside the point right now, we can discuss it later. But for the record, Elvis is awesome. I would like to discuss why, when Edward knew exactly where she's been hiding, he allowed Moonshine to run amok all this time and injure people with legos and tiny vampony fangs?

He shrugged, "I put her in this situation, it didn't feel right to chastise her for what I made her. But dropping books on defenseless dinosaurs is just not right."

"Awww..."

"This eez exzellent! With zee pony zavely contained I may perform my tests on zher."

"Zher? You are just making it up as you go aren't you?"

McCoy and Einstein heatedly discussed what to do with their captive, and whether or not Einstein's accent was legit, while Larry cautiously watched Moonshine - still hiding behind me. I could hear Rorschach laughing from the bookshelf across the room and breathed a sigh of relief. Him I could handle, at least the reign of sparkly terror was at an end.

But as I looked into those soulless red eyes of hers, I couldn't help but wonder if all we had done was disturb this vampony and fill her with a terrible resolve.

The Whos down in Whoville will all cry boo-hoo

2010-12-24T15:09:00.005-06:00

Merry Christmas Eve everyone!

As promised, I have used my super powers of prize-giving to choose the two winners of the Grinchmas giveaway.

There were 16 comments and 15 entries (William Zed graciously bowed out since he won during my birthday giveaway this year). I numbered 16 snowflakes, then pulled out number 14 (Zed's number) because I forgot to not give him a number in the twelve seconds between deciding to make snowflakes and actually making them. The first person to comment was 1, the second 2 and so on.

I then shook them up in my hands and dropped them onto my Christmas tree skirt. The goal was to get as close to the circular wreath the kangaroo is holding as possible. In retrospect, that might be a reindeer.

So it's not the most scientific approach to winner selection, but it is certainly random which is all I ask for when I do these things.

As you can see, the winners are numbers 2 and 12 - Triskelmoon and Caroline by my count. Yay for them! Luckily, they picked separate items. Sorry to everyone who didn't win, but my birthday is coming up in February which means there's a pretty good chance I'll be giving things away then.

I hope everyone has a truly wonderful Christmas and best wishes in the New Year.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Dark Knight.

Then the Grinch got an idea...

2010-12-20T14:56:00.007-06:00

..an awful idea. The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea.

Okay, it's way more wonderful than awful.

I was cruising around the store the other day (more like a month ago but I lost track of time) and I thought - My, we have some neat stuff. Who do I know who would want this? Or this right here? Wait, I know, everyone I know online would like this.

What do we have? We have AWESOME things.

Like this...

Do you know what that is? It is a Death Star Planetarium. It includes a regular star map as well as a Star Wars universe sky map. Also, space ice cream. But Star Wars Planetarium. Like whoa and damn you know?

I also really wanted to do a dinosaur themed gift, but what could possibly compare to a Star Wars Planetarium?

Wait...?

A LARRY!

Yes, you too could have a Larry of your very own. Along with some other dinosaur things including a replica fossil, a dilophosaur puzzle, dinosaur temporary tattoos and a dig and play set. You know you want it all. And Larry will drop large boxes on the other toys you own. He does that you know.

This is my first solely blog based giveaway, and judging from previous times that means your chances are really really good. Because no one reads my blog. It's cool, I don't mind. I do it mostly for me. *sniffle*

So leave a comment with some sort of way to contact you and whether you prefer space or dinosaurs. It's going to be a tough decision but you're really going to have to pull through for me okay? Okay. [For the record, the presents are of equal monetary value - Death Star Planetariums ain't cheap.]

I'll find some suitable way to pick a winner on Christmas Eve, and put a package in the mail to you the next Monday. Thus, you have until noon pacific on Christmas Eve to leave a comment on this post.

YAY CHRISTMAS!

Christmas Topper

2010-11-26T12:40:00.007-06:00

I have a teensy, weensy problem...

I have nothing to grace the top of my tree.

*sadface*

In years past, I've put a gold and red star but I hung it in my office this year. I was never thrilled with it anyway, although it's gorgeous. When a tree includes a T-Rex, penguins and Commander Data it seems a bit of a cop-out to put a star at the top.

So this year I'm thinking about putting something special, something awesome. One of these guys...

For the record, that's a Rorschach {Watchmen}, Doctor McCoy {Star Trek}, Edward {Twilight} {Don't judge me}, and a plushie Batman {really?}. There are Pros and Cons for each:

Rorschach Pros: It would tie him up, keeping him from causing mischief, and generally (hopefully) keep him from setting the tree on fire like he's been threatening.
Rorschach Cons: I wouldn't put it past him to set the tree on fire even/especially when tied to it. Also, I'll have to listen to him bitch every time I go near it.

McCoy Pros: As a Star Trek fan it seems only logical, he's also by far the prettiest of the three, his blue uniform will go well with the color of my other ornaments.
McCoy Cons: He's kind of (excuse me for saying it) boring. He'd also be about three inches from my rather large Data ornament and for whatever reason they don't like each other much.

Edward Pros: Creepy Edward would be stuck to the tree, and not watching me while I sleep. It would amuse McCoy and Rorschach to no end. He's the best candidate for 'angel'.
Edward Cons: Anyone who came over would know my shame in owning him, and may not get the funny - instead thinking I'm a crazy twihard.

Batman Pros: He's adorable, he's also blue, he would enjoy a chance to be the 'Guardian of the Tree.'
Batman Cons: He's kind of small and I've had my eye on a Batman ornament and I'm not sure I'd want both on the tree. Seems like overkill. Also, he's kind of small.

So there's a poll in the sidebar... help me out here. Who do you think is the best/funniest/most awesome tree topper I could use?

I wish I had a Starbuck, she'd be the perfect 'angel' for my tree. If I find one, this poll will become absolutely moot.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-24T21:12:00.004-06:00

I am, in the family in my vicinity, the person who cooks for Thanksgiving. I usually try to avoid having to do the turkey because frankly, if I'm making everything else someone else can bake a damn turkey...

*cough*

Anyway, this Thanksgiving I am making stuffing, mashed potatoes, brussell sprouts, rolls, cranberry sauce and pecan pie. All from scratch. Well, I am not a god, someone made the brussell sprouts, but still. My kitchen is a mess, my house is 107 degrees and I want sleep. Like, now. But I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I love Thanksgiving, it is probably my favorite holiday after Christmas. I love cooking for people, I love being around friends and family, and I just love this attitude of being thankful for things.

I'm not going to get super mushy, I'm not going to list the people I'm thankful for. I don't do that, even if I do occasionally end sentences in prepositions.

But from the deepest parts of my heart, I am thankful for you guys both here and on twitter. You've gotten me through some rough times whether you know it or not.

Thank you.

I'm laughing at you...

2010-11-12T18:44:00.001-06:00

You know what I hate? People who tell you not to laugh at your own jokes.

Screw them. Bunch of whiny little bastards. If you're not laughing, why should anyone else?

Let me tell you something, and it's not a big secret, I think I am hysterical. I crack me up.

I talk to myself when I'm driving, quite a lot actually. Usually because the radio is off and as long as I'm talking to myself it keeps me from yelling at other drivers. Which I am also prone to do. I'm pretty sure I have some sort of automotive Tourette's.

Anyway, occasionally I'll be tooling along, conversing with myself, and say something so funny I have to pull over. I might even call someone and tell them the train of thoughts that led me to this amazing feat of comedic endeavor. Which, honestly, most people take about as well as cat stories,* that is to say with feigned interest while they do other things and mouth bad comments about you to whoever they're standing with.

I'll be sitting at home messing about on the internet and make a comment to myself that breaks me out in giggles.

No one will ever appreciate your sense of humor the same way you do, so why not take advantage of that?

It's okay to laugh at your own jokes, really.

*Dear people who own cats: no one but you and other cat owners really cares what your cats are up to. I've owned cats, I've told my fair share of "amusing" cat stories. But serious, no one cares.

The Military and Me

2010-11-11T07:45:00.004-06:00

I have several jobs, one of which is currently doing work with the US Air Force to create... I'm not sure what exactly and frankly I'm not sure they know either. About a month ago we went to their base nearby and had a series of meetings there.

While I was there, I disovered some alarming things which I shared on twitter.

The Colonel we are working with is named "Colonel Tye." If that sounds familiar it's because he was one of the final five Cylons on Battlestar Galactica (two year old spoilers white out - you're welcome).

That's not the best part. The BEST PART is that his call sign, hand to god, is 'Toaster'.

Hand.

To.

God.

It gets weirder. The US Government uses a program called SkiWeb (pronounced 'sky-web'). I'll let that sink in for a moment. If you get why this weirds me out skip to the next paragraph, if not I'll explain: Web is a synonym for 'net'. Skynet is the program created by Cyberdene technologies which loosed a horde of bloodthirsty Austrian cyborgs on us in the Terminator universe. Yeah...

So what gift did we give the illustrious Colonel Tye, also known as 'Toaster', after we spent a week discussing, among other things, a program called 'SkiWeb'?

Any guesses?

I'll give you a hint, it was a model printed from our 3D printer.

Our 3D printer, by the way, is self-replecating, all of the parts for a new one can be printed on the printer itself (well, except for a few size restrictions our particular model has).

Anyone wanna guess?

We gave him this...

My boss and I have already had a discussion about this. I bear no responsibility for the upcoming robot apocalypse, he'll keep my name out of the records. In return, I'm required to inform him immediately if a woman in black fatigues comes looking for him.

Larry chooses a winner

2010-10-31T18:52:00.013-05:00

Larry is here, hard at work to chose a winner from today's drawing. He chose this particular method, and you must forgive him, his handwriting is atrocious.

See what I mean, I can barely make out what this one says - wait a second. Larry, give me that.

The Hell? You are not eligible for this... no I don't care if you're hungry we will find you... dear god how many of these did you make?

Did you really think I wouldn't notice? Did you honestly think you would get away with, look at this! [Like a dog, sometimes you just have to rub your pet dinosaur's nose in the mess he's made.]*

Once I'd removed all of the ones that Larry had entered in his own name, I was feeling magnanimous and let him go diving for the winner.

And here we have it! I told you his handwriting was bad.

@purehero has won the walkable dinosaur of his choice, or he can have the adorable stegosaurus. Stegosaurus was his favorite dinosaur so there's that.

Thanks to everyone, even Larry who's a big fat cheater. Yes you young dinosaur. Here's a breakdown of the choices people made, compys were a surprise to me, and deinonychus were my write-in.

*I don't actually subscribe to this method of punishment, for the record.

Walk with the Dinosaurs

2010-10-31T11:44:00.007-05:00

Is there anything in the world more adorable a tiny stuffed animal dinosaur on a leash? I maintain that there is not.

Look at that. Look at that. That is the definition of adorable. The very definition.

Want one? Of course you do. Either reply to this post or drop me an @ reply on twitter (@nerdheroine) telling me what your favorite dinosaur is and why, and I will send you the walkable dinosaur of your choice. Perfect for kids or those of us who are still five years old at heart.

This isn't really a contest, you don't have to retweet anything or do anything other than reply. If you reply to me on twitter you do need to be a follower of mine there, but you can reply on this post as well. Please leave an email when you reply so I can get in contact with you. 6pm central is the cutoff.

Larry has graciously agreed to be the arbitor of the day's events - but I've already had a talk with him so don't think choosing Velociraptor will get you anywhere.

Edited: As of 3pm, more than 50% of respondants have chosen the stegosaurus, as such, the winner may choose this non-walkable but still adorable stegosaurus plush.

Banned Books Week

2010-09-28T10:07:00.008-05:00

It's that time of year again! Banned books week has come around, like a bad case of herpes.* Last year I honored the occasion with a repost of a review I did of Where's Waldo in 2007. This year you get a brand spankin' new review.

Feel special.

Since its release in 2005, one book has held the number one spot for most challenged book on the American Library Association's list. This book has at times been challenged as: anti-ethnic, anti-family, homosexuality, religious viewpoint, and unsuited to age group.

What is this book that does so much to threaten the minds of our children?

And Tango Makes Three
Peter Parnell & Justin Richardson
Grade: A+

Y'all, its a book about penguins. Two penguins who adopted an egg and raised it in a loving pair unit.

The two penguins in question happen to both be male.

Apparently, this is indicative of a large-scale moral crisis in America. If even the penguins are turning to the radical left-wing homosexual agenda, what chance do our children have?

If you are a person with half a brain in your head, you read the above statement in the sarcastic tone it was intended. But here's the problem, there are people out there who actually believe this. That actually believe that by telling our children that two male penguins hatched and raised an egg together it might somehow undermine the very social fabric of this great nation of ours.

The thing is, it doesn't undermine the social fabric of our nation, it undermines their own preconceived notions of what makes a healthy society. If penguins - animals that cannot reason, love or pray to god - can have a healthy monogamous, homosexual relationship then the moral high ground that the same behavior in people is against the natural order of things fails. If penguins and giraffes and bonobos can create lasting homosexual partnerships then its not unnatural - it's not wicked mankind turning away from god. It's people doing exactly as god intended - or why would he allow the beasts of the field to do it?

People drive me crazy for the most part, and gut reaction and prejudice against one of the most adorable children's books I've ever seen is not just a waste of breath and energy, it is entirely unworthy of us as a species.

Poorly done America, poorly done.

*I apologize to everyone for that analogy.

Remember

2010-09-11T19:51:00.005-05:00

{I usually try to keep this blog light and amusing with any ranting I’ve done more for comedic effect. I beg your indulgence for this today, I couldn’t not write it.}

I spent five days in New York in August. I visited museums, met with friends, ate out for dinner and shopped with money I don’t have. In five days I never got within a half dozen blocks of where the World Trade Centers once stood.

In the last nine years, I have not once looked at the pictures. I have not once watched the videos, documentaries or films about September 11^th, 2001.

Because I'm a coward. Because I don't want to think about it, don't want to remember it. Because it hurts dammit, and I don't want to hurt. For nine years I’ve pretended it never happened, because if I acknowledge it, if I I sit down and watch the footage then it becomes real. And I don’t want it to be real. I don’t want to think about the thousands who died. I don’t want to think about how fundamentally it changed this country that I love so much.

The last nine years have been an endless litany of anger, because we never had time to grieve. We ranted and raved and lashed out at everyone around us, consumed by our own misery, our own pain - unable to accept help. We didn’t want help. We wanted to be angry, because being angry was all that we had. We curled into ourselves, nursing our rage and our hatred.

It felt good. It felt good to go to war and watch others pay for how terrible we felt. It didn't matter if they were guilty of crimes against us or not, they were surely guilty of something and we reveled in watching them suffer - because it eased our own pain. But vengeance is not justice. They could hang Osama bin Laden on Ground Zero itself, resurrect him and do it over again a thousand times and it would still never be enough. My grief, our grief, is too strong, too close to be satisfied by something so trivial as revenge. I remember as well as anyone the bone-deep need for reprisal, but vengeance is not worthy of us. Not then and most certainly not now. Vengeance is not justice, and somewhere along the way we have gotten the two confused.

We grieve still, but the anger is fading – not to be forgotten. As trite as the phrase has become it can never be forgotten. There are those who have reached out, who have called for acceptance rather than rage, but their voices are few in a wilderness. We have to accept it, accept that no matter who we kill, how many we blame it will never bring back the lives that were lost that day. And until we do that we cannot begin to heal as we need to.

We should never forget the events that happened on September 11^th, 2001 – but we can and should begin to move on from them.

In which the size of my carafes is commented upon...

2010-09-06T17:34:00.006-05:00

I set out this Labor Day in search of bookshelves. You see, I have somewhere in the neighborhood of a thousand books, as well as miscellaneous knick-knacks and pictures and the like that I would like to unpack from the varying boxes they have been sitting in for the last year or so. So off I went to Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Lowes. No luck. Target did not have the dimensions that I need and the other two don't carry bookshelves at all. With the nearest IKEA being 200 miles away in Dallas I fell back on the store we always fall back on here in the South - Wal-Mart.

I had just exited my vehicle and was in the middle of executing the Picard maneuver* when I heard a voice to my right...

"You have huge jugs."

I swear - my hand to a nonexistent god - it took me a moment to realize what he meant. I briefly checked my hands to see if I was perhaps carrying some sort of water-bearing device that I was unaware of. I have never in my life actually heard someone use that phrase. I mean, after I had ascertained my hands were empty of pitchers and canteens I knew what he was talking about, but it was not something that immediately sprang to my mind.

And once it did, I was kind of pissed. Who was this guy, cruising next to me in his pickup while hanging out the window to ogle me, who was he to comment with such blasé about my attributes? It's not like I had left the house in some sort of outfit that screamed "Look at me!" I was wearing jeans and a Flash t-shirt for chrissakes. I looked like what I was, someone who had left the house against my will and did not want to be messed with. And this fucker was messing with me.

Now, I'm sure I had several options at this point. Ordinarily, I would have ignored him. That's my usual reaction when guys are being absolute dickwads. Secondly, I could have screamed at him, tried to give him a piece of my mind. But he was in a truck and I was on foot - there was nothing to stop him from simply driving away at this point. So I did something I rarely do, a middle ground if you will...

(Keep in mind, this entire above thought process only took about two seconds in real time.)

I turned to him and, while playing with the hem of my shirt, said "Would you like a closer look?"

His eyes brightened, I'm not exactly sure what reaction he was hoping for with his pronouncement, but this was certainly not one he had expected. "Yeah!"

I lifted the bottom of my shirt about an inch and leaned forward, "Too bad. You're cute, but not cute enough to get away with a douche pickup line about my tits."

It took him a moment, and in that moment I got to watch the change come over his features. He was good-looking, which made his drive-by verbal molestation of me all the stranger. This wasn't the kind of guy who needed to resort to this kind of thing to get laid.

"Bitch," he said as he turned back into his truck.

"Dumbass," I got out before he drove off.

In retrospect, the whole thing was pretty hilarious, and I giggled about it the entire time I was in the store. Huge jugs? How exactly did he think things were going to pan out? That I might throw myself through his window and offer myself to him in a fit of lust, overcome by his eloquent words of seduction? That I might turn, curtsy, and thank him for his kind thoughts? What was really going through his head in that moment?

I'll leave you with Jerry Seinfeld about what men are really thinking.

And via @robsarvis ...

(*The Picard Maneuver for those who don't know is when, after having been sitting, you pull the bottom of your shirt down as you stand up to keep it from riding up awkwardly.)

Dear small child in the store on Sunday,

2010-08-26T16:14:00.003-05:00

OH MY GOD, what is wrong with you? Are your parents using you for some sort of experiment? I really don't understand it, your brother was the most nice, polite little boy anyone could ever hope for: all "please sir"s and "yes ma'am"s. He was quiet and contained and an angel.

So where did they go wrong with you? You screamed, you stole candy, you broke things, you ran around. I just don't get it. You were an adorable little munchkin who did everything in her power to cause a commotion in my store. My beautiful, clean, quiet store. Or it least, it was beautiful clean and quiet. before you and your hell-child ways invaded. I had to toss six items in the breakage box after you left because you had made them completely unsuitable for sales. I'd have insisted your parents pay for them but I frankly just wanted you gone.

Please never return again demon hell-child. I have warded the store against you - it will not go well for anyone if you poke your head in again.

Love,
NH

I Love Ray Bradbury

2010-08-22T11:38:00.000-05:00

And so does this girl.

Totally, totally not safe for work. In fact, I'm not entirely sure the embed is safe for work.

And I don't give a damn whether or not you consider Ray Bradbury to be a science fiction writer, he wrote a great many stories that are science fiction - even he admits to it - and most of the ones she alludes to fall in that category.

Tights are not pants

2010-08-21T22:47:00.007-05:00

Today I was on a journey through the mall. A magical time when I was to buy new shoes and was magically coerced into buying two new pairs of shoes because of a sale - and were I to not participate in this "buy one get one" phenomenon I would in fact be losing money and that's all bad.

Anyway, as I am walking through the food court at the mall I see this woman. I would not ordinarily classify a woman as young as her (20 or so to my age) as woman, normally she would be a "girl" because I'm from the South and that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. I'm using the term "woman" to clarify that this is someone who should have known better.

This woman is wearing a long shirt, as one might expect to find paired inappropriately with a pair of opaque tights. Now, I'm sure I don't need to tell you that tights are not pants, nor should they be. However, this woman had forgone to even wear the tights.

When your top covering is that short, lower coverings are no longer optional. Nightclubs get a pass, but this is the mall, in broad daylight. You are appearing in a public place - wear clothes, it's the law.

I admit it, I stared a bit. But in that way where you're trying really really hard not to look like you're staring. As soon as she came alongside of me, and thus I was out of her field of vision I did a full body recoil while mouthing "Oh. My. God."

I look up and there is a woman, sitting with two friends who were not privy to the same view. She is staring after and making exactly the same face I am. As I come alongside her I say, "Same girl?"

"Oh my god yes." She affirmed with incredulity. We shared a laugh.

Moral: If you dress like a slutty hobo in public I'm not the only person who will be judging you for it.

I will fight no more

2010-08-01T17:49:00.002-05:00

The white treatment of the native peoples in America is a long, bloody history that I won't even begin to go into. If you are unfamiliar, it was and still is one of the largest mass genocides in history.

Chief Joseph was the leader of the Nez Perce tribe who waged a long and ultimately fruitless campaign against the United States government. It was said that in "In his long career, Chief Joseph cannot accuse the government of the Untied States of one single act of justice." In his own words, Chief Joseph said this:

Hear me my chiefs!

Tell General Howard I know his heart. What he told me before, I have it in my heart. I am tired of fighting. Our Chiefs are killed; Looking Glass is dead, Ta Hool Hool Shute is dead. The old men are all dead. It is the young men who say yes or no. He who led on the young men is dead. It is cold, and we have no blankets; the little children are freezing to death. My people, some of them, have run away to the hills, and have no blankets, no food. No one knows where they are - perhaps freezing to death. I want to have time to look for my children, and see how many of them I can find. Maybe I shall find them among the dead. Hear me, my Chiefs! I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I will fight no more forever.

-Chief Joseph 1877

Yosemite

2010-07-20T22:27:00.005-05:00

My mother's birthday was on Sunday and her and her partner (heterosexual partner I should clarify, they have an aversion to marriage) went camping in Yosemite.

Now, to me, this does not sound like a fun thing to do on your birthday but to my mother this is a sort of Holy Grail of fun times. To each their own and all that. Now, summer is of course prime tourist season in Yosemite but being the intrepid hikers they are they camped in the "backcountry" away from the majority of the teeming hordes. Away from the masses, but much
much closer to the wildlife.

Let's pause for a moment and discuss the number one bit of wildlife that one might see in Yosemite... did you say 'a bear'? You are correctamundo. And when camping in Yosemite it is both required and wise to bring with you a bear-resistant container for your foodstuffs. My mother and her partner, being the responsible prepared hikers they are had just such a canister.

Picture the scene, the sun rises on early morning through the trees. Enjoying a bowl of warm oatmeal with her love, my mother's eyes drift past him to the bear-resistant canister. And to the three hundred pound bear who has instantly recognized what in the past has promised good eatings.

My mother's options were many at this point. She could have run. She could have grabbed the heated stove nearby and flung it at the bear. She could have rushed it while waving her arms.

She did none of these things. Instead, wielding her spoon like it was Excalibur itself she yelled "Go away bear!"

...

Go away bear?

I like to think at this moment the bear, duly chastised, hung his head in shame and shambled off. Later, in Ursa Therapy he recounts this episode. "I didn't even do anything to them, they just yelled and me and judged me for being a big furry ole bear. It's speciest is what it is," he sobs into a giant hanky.

My mother said that in retrospect she felt a bit like someone out of Harry Potter, casting a spell while she brandished her spoon.

You know that picture right there is art.

And it worked. That's the best part. My 100 pound if she's soaking wet mother got rid of a 300 pound black bear simply by sternly telling it to go away while threatening it with a spoon. Which, let's be honest, unless you're Alan Rickman a spoon is about the least impressive weapon you can come up with beside a wet noodle.

In summary, my mother is a badass and I never misbehaved as a child. Hell, I don't misbehave as an adult.

Theory of Shipbuilding Failing

2010-07-18T22:39:00.004-05:00

Have you seen this story? It tells how an 18th century ship was found under the rubble of the World Trade Centers.

Do you know what this means? The modern theory of ship design is now doubly flawed. We were never quite sure what came between the Caravel type vessels of the 1400s and modern ships. Oh, we had pictures and some scientists had made very educated guesses as to what they might be like - but nothing concrete.

But this! Previously we had one gap in shipbuilding history, between 15th and 21st century. Now we have two - 15th to 18th and 18th to 21st! That's twice as many gaps. The theory of shipbuilding is falling down around our very ears. I've known some naval architects, and they are by and large a bunch of smug bastards. So I have this to ask them...

What say you to this obvious discrepancy? Defend yourself or admit that you are wrong that the theory of shipbuilding is failing.

[If you think this is dumb keep in mind that this is how a lot of people feel about the so-called "Missing Link" in evolution. If you're one of them: don't be a moron, shut up and go read some Gould or something.]

To dare, to dare again and ever to dare!

2010-07-01T17:34:00.001-05:00

Yeah, I missed doing this post on the 1st, my bad. In my own defense I am in the middle of moving house and summer school and I... ok, I forgot. Sue me.

Georges Jacques Danton was a French revolutionary who is regarded as one of the most inflammatory public speakers of his time. However, he very rarely wrote his speeches ahead of time and there are very few records of those he did. In 1792 he gave this speech, inciting the French people to war.

To dare again and ever to dare

It is gratifying to the ministers of a free people to have to announce to them that their country will be saved. All are stirred, all are excited, all burn to fight. You know that Verdun is not yet in the power of our enemies. You know that its garrison swears to immolate the first who breathes a proposition of surrender.

One portion of our people will proceed to the frontiers, another will throw up intrenchments, and the third with pikes will defend the hearts of our cities. Paris will second these great efforts. The commissioners of the Commune will solemnly proclaim to the citizens the invitation to arm and march to the defense of the country. At such a moment you can proclaim that the capital deserves well of all France.

At such a moment this National Assembly becomes a veritable committee of war. We ask that you concur with us in directing this sublime movement of the people, by naming commissioners who will second us in these great measures. We ask that any one refusing to give personal service or to furnish arms shall be punished with death. We ask that a set of instructions be drawn up for the citizens to direct their movements. We ask that couriers be sent to all the departments to notify them of the decrees that you proclaim here. The tocsin we are about to ring is not an alarm signal; it sounds the charge on the enemies of our country. To conquer them we must dare, dare again, always dare, and France is saved!

-Georges Danton, 2 September 1792

Larry the Dinosaur

2010-06-14T20:48:00.009-05:00

I, on occasion, have way too much fun at work. The weekends can be very slow and once you have cleaned every shelf, vacuumed every floor and rearranged all the stock there's only so much you can do.

Rather than stand and stare off into space - or do homework - I have been known to make up games and stories about some of the stock we have. Sunday's offering was about Larry the Dinosaur which I was so happy with I am going to repost it here - slightly embellished.

~ahem~

It was a beautiful day down at the dinosaur watering hole, where the dinosaurs were discussing their day's plans...

"Did you see the spikes on Sherryl?" asked Vicky Velociraptor.

"Oh I know it, those osteoderms are so last... oh no," Tricia sighed, "great asteroids above, Larry's coming. Quick, don't make eye contact."

"Hey guys!" called Larry. "What's going on? Is it a party? It's a party isn't it? Can I come? I'll bring my karaoke machine!"

"Um, it's not a party Larry, in fact we were just..." Vicky let herself trail off as all the dinosaurs found somewhere else to be.

Poor Larry, left all alone. No one wants to be your friend.

Like many before him, Larry consoles himself with candy, but it only lessens the pain for a moment. And it leaves him with a terrible tummyache.

Feeling dejected and unloved, Larry makes his way across the shop floor. He climbs the tallest mountain in the land with every intention of ending it all.

Oh no Larry, don't do it. You have so much to live for!

But what is this? Larry isn't alone after all?

"What are you doing down there?"

Larry is all smiles, "I was going to expire from loneliness, but now I see I'm not alone at all!"

"Of course you're not, don't be silly. Why are you so lonely?"

"The other dinosaurs are mean to me. They don't want to be my friends."

"Really? That's not right." The two dinosaurs on the shelf exchanged a glance, "Come up here, I think we have an idea."

Their discussion is quick and interspersed with wild gestures.

"Miss Heroine, would you let us borrow something out of the storeroom?" asks Larry.

I think on this a moment, but the other dinosaurs were pretty mean to Larry and I have to admit, I was a little curious about what they were up to. "Sure guys."

They found what they needed right inside the door.

Pushing the box over to the counter, they investigated the contents of one of the rummage drawers.

"Perfect!"

[Alright y'all, I want you to listen to me here and heed me well. If I had known the full extent of Larry's plan I would have stopped him. He's a little guy and while he's got lots of pointy teeth, they are made of felt and I'm pretty sure I could have taken all three of them on in a fight.

But at no point did it occur to me that they were going to take things in the direction they did.

Okay? I just wanted to deny all culpability in what is about to happen. The following are the events as best I remember them.]

After spending some time with their materials, during which I had a customer or two to check out, I came back to find this set up...

Can you see the little hellions? Hiding over the far edge of the dais? I didn't notice them at first either and it took me a moment to realize what I was seeing. By then it was too late.

"Um, Larry? I don't think this is exactly a good... Larry.... Larry!"

"Oh sweet heavens Larry, what have you done?

You squished them, I think they might have gone to plush animal heaven, what are you guys...

Quit celebrating. You are in trouble young dinosaur."

Oh yes, high fives all around. That's the spirit. Well done. [/sarcasm]

I have to admit, it's hard to be mad when they look so pleased with themselves.

Well, the moral of today's story was supposed to be about how it's okay to be different and that making friends is easy if you just try...

Yeah, that went off the rails pretty quick. Although I have to say...

In some ways, maybe it was about those things.

Gamer Widowhood?

2010-06-13T21:29:00.004-05:00

I have been ruminating on the events of this video for a few days now, a video I'm pretty sure some if not all of you may have seen by now.

Let me say up front, I don't play WoW. I tried to get into Star Trek online, and I just don't have the temperament for MMORPGs. However, I have on occasion poured innumerable hours into a project and while I cannot speak for gamers as whole, I can speak based on both my experience as a geek and as a girl...

Here's the video-

First, I hope that was his apartment they were in and I hope he threw her on her ass then and there.

Second, that was a truly despicable thing for her to do. I understand the "gamer widowhood" syndrome that some ladies feel they are a victim of. Their husband/boyfriend spends too much time playing video games and not enough time with them. I get it, really I do. But ladies, I have a secret for you...

No one is making you stay with that guy.

How he spends his time is his own damn business and if he isn't fulfilling your needs, find someone else who will. You don't like that he plays World of Warcraft all the time? There are millions of guys out there that think WoW is a seventies cover band.

What you don't do is be a passive-aggressive bitch about it and undo countless hours of his hard work. It doesn't matter that it was in a game, he assigned value to it which makes it valuable. Your perceived notion that it is not valuable has no bearing on this situation.

I feel so much pain for that guy and I hope he walked into the other and room and said two words to her, "Get out."

The woman I love

2010-06-01T16:00:00.001-05:00

This should more fittingly have been included back in February for Valentine's Day, but it surely one of the most moving speeches ever made about love, or about the things people will do for love.

Edward VIII abdicated the throne of England

[...]

A few hours ago I discharged my last duty as King and Emperor, and now that I have been succeeded by my brother, the Duke of York, my first words must be to declare my allegiance to him. This I do with all my heart.

You all know the reasons which have impelled me to renounce the throne. But I want you to understand that in making up my mind I did not forget the country or the empire, which, as Prince of Wales and lately as King, I have for twenty-five years tried to serve.

But you must believe me when I tell you that I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and to discharge my duties as King as I would wish to do without the help and support of the woman I love.

And I want you to know that the decision I have made has been mine and mine alone. This was a thing I had to judge entirely for myself. The other person most nearly concerned has tried up to the last to persuade me to take a different course.

I have made this, the most serious decision of my life, only upon the single thought of what would, in the end, be best for all.

This decision has been made less difficult to me by the sure knowledge that my brother, with his long training in the public affairs of this country and with his fine qualities, will be able to take my place forthwith without interruption or injury to the life and progress of the empire. And he has one matchless blessing, enjoyed by so many of you, and not bestowed on me -- a happy home with his wife and children.

[...]

I now quit altogether public affairs and I lay down my burden. It may be some time before I return to my native land, but I shall always follow the fortunes of the British race and empire with profound interest, and if at any time in the future I can be found of service to his majesty in a private station, I shall not fail.

- Edward VIII, December 11 1936

Mohammad

2010-05-20T16:55:00.002-05:00

This is a picture of the Prophet Mohammad. Because I say it is. I drew it, I should know.

This is also a picture of the Prophet Mohammad. Does he not look delicious?

Does saying that something is something else make it so? If you deny my apple is Mohammad (even though I assure you it is the most accurate of all representations) then at what point does my stick figure qualify?

What about this?
If I tell you this is Mohammad does that make it so? Would it offend a Muslim? If someone else calls it a line but I call it Mohammad, is it still an offense?

I do not respect religious belief any more than I would respect the belief in UFOs or the tooth fairy. I can respect you as a person without respecting your ideas. If the sight of a drawing (which lacking in one particular label is not offensive at all) is so offensive to you that you literally cannot abide it - that's your problem, not mine.

STS-132

2010-05-16T19:58:00.007-05:00

I use the term "awesome" quite a bit, but I rarely use it in its strictest sense.

awesome: to inspire awe and wonder

When I saw the space shuttle back in January at the Smithsonian, which apparently I didn't blog about (what's up with that?), that was awesome. I stood there and quite literally cried. Overwhelming tears of... not exactly joy. Hope maybe? The idea that mankind is journeying into space, that we are leaving the planet that gave birth to us, that is truly amazing to me.

I didn't cry when I watched Atlantis take off on it's last voyage. But my heart leapt into my throat and didn't leave for a full fifteen minutes - long after the shuttle itself was out of sight. It was awesome.

We did not end up watching from the Kennedy Space Center (no tickets) or from Space View Park. Instead, I got onto google maps and found a place that would blow the pants off any other (free) view of the launch. And it did. We were on the beach, with a clear view straight across the water at the launch pad in our own personal Corona commercial. Palm trees and a breeze off the water - it was perfect.

I left the image full size, if you click and embiggenate it you can see two dots on the right side of the horizon, the one on the right is the launchpad in use. We were closer than the picture seems, I swear. This is a completely non-zoomed image.

We were 10-miles away, just outside the NASA imposed limit of how close you can be. Slightly closer than Space View park in fact if you look at it on a map. The gentleman who was kind enough to help us find our way from the road asked that we not share the knowledge with the world. If you end up at a shuttle launch let me know by email (nerdheroine@gmail.com) and I'll direct you that way. Maybe. If I like you.

There are two launches left, Endeavor in September and Discovery in November. If there is any way at all, go see one of these. You will not regret it.

Decorate your own soul...

2010-05-11T23:09:00.000-05:00

“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.”

~Veronica A. Shoffstal

Iron Man 2

2010-05-08T22:05:00.002-05:00

Alternate title: Iron Man has a built in garter belt.*

(Spoilers will be hidden behind white text. If you want to read it, highlight it. If it was revealed in the previews I don't consider it a spoiler)

It seems to be par for the course that if someone puts on the cape and tights (or costume of their choice) in their first movie, in the second they will end up facing the Wile E. Coyote Law of Unintended Consequences. What is this law, you might ask? I shall tell you.

No matter if what you do has the desired effect, it will have three at least you never expected, and at least one of those will usually be unpleasant.

In Iron Man’s case, Tony Stark finds that after the events of Iron Man his artificial heart/power source/ battery/ whatever thingmajig is not performing as well as he might hope. Okay, it is in fact killing him. Also, the US government is not happy with a private citizen owning what basically amounts to a one-man army. As much as I am in favor of one’s personal property being exempt from government interference, I can kind of see where they’re coming from with this.

Into all of this comes Ivan Venko, the son of one of Stark Sr’s colleagues back in the day. He’s holding a grudge (rightfully so) about how the Stark’s ended up with all the money and prestige and money for what was in fact a joint project between Papas Venko and Stark. He decides to create a set of lightening whips and go after Tony Stark. You know, as you do. That is certainly my immediate answer when I am holding a lifelong blood feud against someone. Giant lightening whips. Comic book characters have the weirdest set of responses to situations of anyone, ever.

The thing is. You know Ivan Venko is a bad guy the moment he is introduced during the opening credits. He’s plotting to take down the title character, he’s grubby, he’s Russian and he’s being played by Mickey Rourke. In fact, any one of those things should clue you in to his allegiances to the forces of darkness. But when you get down to it, he had a point and I think he was in the right to seek some recompense from the Starks. Now, his methods don’t really bear up under scrutiny (see Lightening Whips) but I couldn’t help but feel for him.

I think it is a testament to the writers and to Robert Downey Jr that despite my sympathies laying with Venko, I was rooting for Stark the whole way. He’s a rich playboy who really has very few redeeming qualities... but we like him. He’s not annoying or ingratiating, we actually enjoy watching him be a total douche to people. Or at least I do. It’s been said before, but if ever there was a role the RDJ was born to play, Tony Stark is it.

Mickey Rourke.... I cannot talk about him in this movie without sharing this anecdote. It is fairly spoilery so: When Venko goes to work for Hammer and hacks his way into the Hammer Industries computer system, he puts on this little pair of reading glasses while he is typing. He’s grubby and gold toothed and looks like a cross between a homeless person and a street fighter and in that moment, typing with those glasses on, he became Sexy Physicist Man and I totally fell in lust. I really loved his portrayal of both Venko and his alter-ego Whiplash. While Whiplash’s “superpower” is based in technology, it is still a very weird character and I think it could have easily been ruined by someone going all Indiana Jones with the whips. Rourke just makes him scary. I flinched when he started slinging those things around.

There is a fair amount of other stuff going on as well. There is a rival weapons dealer and the creation of the Warhammer suit and all kinds of things but my "reviews" were never meant to be summaries, simply an outline of what I liked and disliked. I liked this movie. A lot.

Iron Man (original flavor) was a powerhouse of a movie that found the middle ground between the older comic book movies (Superman, Batman, Batman Returns) and the newer, edgier movies (Batman Begins, Dark Knight and to some extent Wolverine). It took everything that made the Spiderman and X-Men movies good and polished it until it shone. Iron Man 2 does not exceed the original, very few sequels do, but I believe it more than lived up to the promise of the first and I would gladly go see an Iron Man 3 based on this movie alone.

Note: Like the first one, Iron Man 2 has an after credits scene that is more than worth waiting for if you are a comic book fan, or a fan of the comic movies. If you’re not, it’s probably okay to skip out on it.

*Yes, yes he does. I tried to find a picture of it for y'all but just trust me, the paint job on the Iron Man suit is very *ahem* risqué shall we say?

Liberty or Death

2010-05-01T15:00:00.001-05:00

I know, I know, it is well over-used and everyone has heard it before. But have you really? Do you know anything more than "Give me liberty or give me death?" I doubt it.

You should.

Patrick Henry's Speech to the Virginia House of Burgesses

This is no time for ceremony. The question before the House is one of awful moment to this country. For my own part, I consider it as nothing less than a question of freedom or slavery

[...]

I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience. I know of no way of judging of the future but by the past. And judging by the past, I wish to know what there has been in the conduct of the British ministry for the last ten years to justify those hopes with which gentlemen have been pleased to solace themselves and the House. Is it that insidious smile with which our petition has been lately received? Trust it not, sir; it will prove a snare to your feet. Suffer not yourselves to be betrayed with a kiss. Ask yourselves how this gracious reception of our petition comports with those warlike preparations which cover our waters and darken our land. Are fleets and armies necessary to a work of love and reconciliation? Have we shown ourselves so unwilling to be reconciled that force must be called in to win back our love? Let us not deceive ourselves, sir. These are the implements of war and subjugation; the last arguments to which kings resort.

[...]

They tell us, sir, that we are weak; unable to cope with so formidable an adversary. But when shall we be stronger? Will it be the next week, or the next year? Will it be when we are totally disarmed, and when a British guard shall be stationed in every house? Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

[...]

Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!

-Patrick Henry, March 23, 1775

Math

2010-04-27T22:17:00.000-05:00

A fly-by blog post because I love this quote so much:

"If a 'religion' is defined to be a system of ideas that contains unprovable statements, then Gödel taught us that mathematics is not only a religion, it is the only religion that can prove itself to be one."
—John Barrow

My Phlangy

2010-04-26T18:18:00.001-05:00

Imagine I told you that there was club that could heal your broken phlangy. Wait a second, you might ask, I don't have a broken phlangy. I'm not even entirely certain I have a phlangy. No problem they tell you, all you have to do is agree that you have a broken phlangy and they'll make-sure your phlangy is in tip-top shape.

That doesn't sound like a great deal does it? The logical thing would be to ask them to prove you have a phlangy correct? They assure you that you do, otherwise you wouldn't be alive. You see you need a phlangy to live you see, and if you're alive that means you must have a phlangy.

But it's broken of course, and desperately needs to be fixed.

Now imagine that the people that are a part of this club think you are a terrible person for walking around with your broken phlangy. How could anyone live like that? You must not be a normal person, there's something wrong with you. Why would anyone choose to have a broken phlangy when there's a club, right there, that can fix it for you? Everyday you hear people talking about how awful it must be to have a broken phlangy, and how grateful they are that they got their phlangy fixed.

Does it sound silly?

I hear this argument, literally, every day. Only they don't call it a phlangy - they call it a soul.

I don't believe I have a soul - at least not in the way a religious person does. I believe that there are things deep in our subconscious that cause us to behave in certain ways and to appreciate art and beauty, but I do not believe in some part of me that was created when I was born and will live on after me when I die.

Religious people, please keep this in mind when you are trying to convert me to whatever doctrine you follow. You may know how to save my soul - but you're offering to fix something I don't believe I have. And as silly as the phlangy club might sound to you, you sound infinitely sillier to me.

Shut up Pluto

2010-04-16T18:00:00.005-05:00

Somewhere in Prague, 2006

Friends, Astronomers, Laymen: I come not to praise Pluto, but to bury him. The virtues of a planet have long been decided on whim and whimsy. It is time to set down in stone what does and does not belong to this exclusive fraternity. My colleague Pluto claims that he has every right to be a planet. Is he not round like a planet? Does he not orbit the sun like a planet? I too am round. I too orbit the sun. Why, Pluto, do you then balk at my being a planet? I am much larger than you, I have as many moons as you. I say that it is all or nothing. If Pluto is a planet, then we all get to be planets!

Hear hear!

This is outrageous. Eris is only trying to live up to his namesake, to cause dissension and bring chaos. I have been a planet for a hundred years, when were you discovered Eris? 2005? Please.

It's not up to you Pluto, it's up to the IAU, and if you don't back down from this we're all going to end up demoted. I don't give a damn personally if you're a planet or not, but I want the system to be fair. You don't get to be a planet just because you've always been one.

I can't be demoted. Don't be ridiculous. I've been a planet for nearly a hundred years. It would mess up the whole mnemonic. My very educated mother just served us nine... what exactly? She can't just serve you nine.

What are you guys, new?

I'm sorry, you are who exactly?

Yeah, this meeting is for planets-

Possible planets.

-only. So if you don't mind...

You celestial whippersnappers. In my day, being a planet meant something, it wasn't open to every piece of flotsam off in the backwaters of the solar system. You over there, you're not even round.

Well I never...

Who are you?

Me? I'm Haumea, in the Kuiper Bel-

Not you, the actual sphere.

Who do you think I am? Ceres is what they called me and I was a planet long before any of you had the temerity to show your face in a telescope. Do you think you're the first ones to face this issue? Did you think you were special? I became a planet back in 1801. A whole century before anyone even thought to look for your scrawny silhouettes.

Wait just a minute...

Shut up Pluto and let your elders talk. You only got to be a planet because they thought you were something you weren't. You've been skating off the lie of being Planet X since 1930.

But there is no Planet X, so what does it matter anyhow?

It matters because it's a lie. If the IAU had simply owned up to it back in the 90s when they figured it out, they could have headed a lot of this off. Made a definition for planet then so we wouldn't have to be in this mess now. Do you know how many "planets" there are? Just in our solar system? Take a wild guess.

I don't really see what kind of bearing this has on the discussion at-

Seventy-one. There are seventy-one objects out there that are round and orbit the sun. Well, mostly round.

I'm right here.

The point is we don't all get to be planets. Some of us have to be asteroids, some have to be trans-Neptunian objects. I'm thirty-two percent of the mass of the asteroid belt. Thirty-two percent. You'd think that'd be enough to set me apart as something special wouldn't you? Enough to be a planet? Well, I was for a bit, but they decided to make me an asteroid back in 1810. That won't work for you guys out there in backwaters. If you don't shut your pie-holes we'll all end up with a really stupid name. Like planetoid or dwarf planet.

Let's be realistic. Even if they decide we're not all going to be planets, they wouldn't be so dumb as to include "planet" in our new title, that's just silly.

You know, I like the sound of "Pluto-class Object" myself.

Shut up Pluto.

Jeez, you don't have to be mean about it.

(The size pictured in each dwarf planet's avatar is [mostly] true relative to the size of the other's avatars. Each of the avatars can be clicked for links to their respective wikipedia pages. They are [in order of appearance] Eris, Quaoar, Orcus, Sedna, Makemake, Haumea, Pluto and Ceres.)

You're going the wrong way!

2010-04-13T16:39:00.006-05:00

We thought we had you all figured out, planets. A cloud of gas is spinning until it becomes a flat disk, the center becomes a star which spins on its axis in the same direction the disk is moving, then the planets form. Everything continues to spin in the same direction.*

So what is up with these shenanigans?

This cannot be so. It flies in the face of all of our understanding about how solar systems are formed. That planet is orbiting its sun the wrong way. Ok, yes, it's an artists rendering of a planet, but the planet does exist.

Everything about this is just wrong, how can it happen? There are some theories, so it's not as though astronomy as we know it has just collapsed (or has it?).

This is the astronomical equivalent of finding a green grape growing in the middle of a bunch of red ones. Yeah, that's right, I'm breaking out the analogies.

Science isn't exactly sure of the whys and heretofores of this solar system yet, so don't expect to find definitive answers, just know that the universe is a super weird place.

*That's the really really short version of this tale.

(Thanks to Bad Astronomer for the headsup)

Bat Hard

2010-04-03T18:55:00.001-05:00

A belated #fanficfriday because it took much time and effort and other stuff I don't really enjoy. Like all superbly strangely things in my life, this project had its roots in a conversation with @hubcomics.

I refer you back to the Battlestar Batman which may have been better. Your mileage may vary.

This is a similar iteration. I have no regrets about using Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne - he's prettier than any of the other real life actors and the cartoon/comic Wayne would have stuck out too much. Also, I got to look at Christian Bale for about three hours. Yay!

click to embiggenate

Battlestar Batman had a better punchline, but for some reason I find this one funnier. *shrug*

Clash of the Titans

2010-04-02T20:22:00.003-05:00

So, there's this little girl sitting in front of me at the theater with her parents. She could not have been more than four or five. I saw her when I sat down and I remember thinking, I'm not sure this is going to be a good movie for somebody that young. Fast forward to about halfway through the movie. A not-so-big-baddie has had his hand chopped off and his dripping blood. Everywhere his blood lands, a giant OMFG scorpion is birthed out of the sand. So the sand starts churning for the first one, and the scorpion begins to arise.... suddenly, from in front of me, I hear the little girl go "Aw crap."

I laughed so hard. She was absolutely the best part of that movie.

That should tell you something I guess. Don't get me wrong: I loved it like cake, but it was by no means a good movie. Neither could it manage to cross the line into "so bad it's good". Instead it's in that middle ground of just plain bad where no movie has a right to be.

Again though, I loved it like cake. Liam Neeson filled cakey goodness... mmmm....

Is it possible to spoil a thirty year old movie? A movie that is in fact older than I am? A movie based on 3,000+ year old myths? Virtually the entire movie is: Monster! [fight monster] Monster! [fight monster] Monster! [fight monster] Monster! [fight monster]

Okay, so what happens is that in times long past Zeus seduced the wife of Acrisius and she had a son named Perseus. I kind of want to stop already to point out that she was at least lucky enough to have Zeus appear in the form of her husband. Others were not so lucky. Actually, in the original myth Zeus appears to Perseus' mother in the form of a golden rain and you know what? I don't even need to make that joke do I?

Gee? Where was I? Anyway, Perseus grows up with an adopted family who hate the gods, and it turns out the gods hate them right back because they get killed before Pete Postlethwaite (a veteran "Hey, it's that guy!") really has a chance to get going which is sad and makes me tear up a little even now.

Man, you can tell I don't have a whole lot to say about the movie when I keep getting sidetracked like this.

Anyway, Zeus is convinced by Hades (Ralph Fiennes who makes a way better Voldemort if you ask me) to punish a city called Argos for not worshiping as they should. Hades tells the city to sacrifice the king's daughter or they will all be fed to the Kraken - which is so not what Zeus told him to do but whatever...

You know what? Let's start over. Perseus goes on quest to find the magical thing to save the people. Magical thing is obtained, the city is saved, there is much rejoicing.

The historian in me who has studied Greek mythology flipped her shit through about 98% of this movie. The person in me who loves bad movies thought it was the most amazing CGI spectacle I have ever seen in my life. So know that. They are very very free with their mythology.

Rant? RANT! Zeus turns into an eagle, that's cool. That's how it's supposed to be. Why oh why did it have to be a bald eagle? Was that really necessary? Did you think we wouldn't like Zeus if he had some sort of generic eagle? Is this an American Zeus? Every time that damn eagle went flying I would die a little inside.

(I do love how Perseus denies that Zeus is his father, despite "Zeus" being in his name for all intents and purposes. Hades even pronounces it Per-Zeus.)

The monster effects were superb and in my opinion pretty damn seamless. Someone, somewhere has mastered the art of CG water which is nice to know. There are scorpions and horsey-birds and ogres and a big f-off KRAKEN. Clash of the Titans Kraken > Pirates of the Caribbean Kraken. By a lot. This was what a kraken is supposed to be, and it doesn't get anywhere near enough screen time in my opinion. I would watch two hours of the Kraken kicking stuff over and drowning people. I totally totally would.

This movie was entirely predictable and a great deal of fun. If you can enjoy a movie without needing it to stimulate your higher reasoning skills in any way whatsoever then this is the movie for you.

(Edited to add: Because of this review I am now the number four hit for the Google search "Zeus bald eagle". I can die happy.)

Lou Gehrig's Farewell to Baseball

2010-04-01T15:00:00.002-05:00

It seems in my researching for the 'speeches that make me cry' that the shorter the speech is the more likely it is to have an emotional impact - on me at least.

Presented in its entirety:

Lou Gehrig's Farewell to Baseball

Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about the bad break I got. Yet today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

I have been in ballparks for seventeen years and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans. Look at these grand men. Which of you wouldn’t consider it the highlight of his career just to associate with them for even one day?

Sure I’m lucky.

Who wouldn’t consider it an honor to have known Jacob Ruppert? Also, the builder of baseball’s greatest empire, Ed Barrow? To have spent six years with that wonderful little fellow, Miller Huggins? Then to have spent the next nine years with that outstanding leader, that smart student of psychology, the best manager in baseball today, Joe McCarthy?

Sure I’m lucky.

When the New York Giants, a team you would give your right arm to beat, and vice versa, sends you a gift - that’s something. When everybody down to the groundskeepers and those boys in white coats remember you with trophies -- that’s something.

When you have a wonderful mother-in-law who takes sides with you in squabbles with her own daughter -- that’s something.

When you have a father and a mother who work all their lives so you can have an education and build your body -- it’s a blessing.

When you have a wife who has been a tower of strength and shown more courage than you dreamed existed -- that’s the finest I know.

So, I close in saying that I might have been given a bad break, but I've got an awful lot to live for.

-Lou Gehrig, 4 July 1939

Who told you that?

2010-03-26T19:01:00.004-05:00

I don't understand... I literally have no frame of reference for what happened to me last night. I was studying for a midterm in Astronomy when I took a break to go tell my dad some fun facts (one day, one day my house remodel will be finished.... sigh).

"Hey dad, did you know that if you could find a sufficiently large pool of water Saturn would float?"

"Is that because it's gas?"

"No, it's because it's less dense than water, also, because it's made of gas."

"That's interesting."

"Oh, and if Jupiter were any bigger, it would be a star. I mean, phyiscally bigger, it'd have to be about eighty times more massive, but that's okay."

"A star huh? So what would that mean?"

That made me pause, not because I didn't know the answer but because the answer seemed so obvious I wasn't sure what he was asking. "Uh, we would be a two-star system. We'd have the sun and Jupiter both."

"The sun is a star?"

There are moments in your life, gentle reader, where despite not actually living in a movie you will find your life suddenly has sound effects. I heard this one: screeeeechh (It sounded a lot like a record needle scratching off of it's groove if that helps).

"Um. Yeah. What did you think it was?"

"I don't know, a planet?"

"A planet?" I'm pretty sure I started spluttering incoherently at this point. "No, no. It's a star, it just happens to be our star so we named it the Sun. Kind of like how we named the moon 'Moon'."

"Humph, who told you that?"

"Who told me-?" Sometimes I can't tell when my dad is messing with me or not, but we've talked about this since then and let me tell you: he was dead serious. He had no idea.

I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised, this is the same man who constantly argues with me over how we know anything we do about astronomy since we can't actually see it or measure it.

I say again, my father has so little understanding of what I want to do with my life that he honestly believes that we will just be making it up as we go. This both worries me and saddens me an awful lot.

Astrology

2010-03-19T20:49:00.004-05:00

First of all, yes it's a load of bull. There are a lot of people out there who have covered the details of it better than I: see Phil Plait (I love you) here, or Dean Burnett here. If you believe that the astronomical position of the stars when you were born have some sort of effect on your life I have a bridge to sell you. Also some snake oil and the true blood of Jesus.

Even if you do believe in the hocus-pocus involved here, I've got fifty bucks that says you're not even doing it right.

Yeah, that's right - you're doing your wrong thing wrong.

Astrology is based on where the sun seems to be in a certain predefined set of constellations on the day you were born. Thus the sun was in the constellation Pisces when I was born in late February. As the earth revolves around the sun, the sun appears from our point of view to move through these constellations.

Y'all probably knew all of that, at least in passing fact. At some point you opened a newspaper, saw a strange looking word next to a set of date encompassing your birthdate and found out it was your "star sign". You've spent a fair portion of your life aware of your "star sign" even if you don't give a fig and think it is as silly as I do.

Except you're wrong.

Wrong wrong wrong.

The astrological calendars that were cobbled together were done so several thousand years ago. Which is all great and good if you're Sumerian*, but if you're a modern person like me it doesn't do you much good.

Stars, you see, move. They're moving and we're moving and the position of the stars in the sky is constantly changing. Enough that you might even notice a couple in your lifetime. Barnard's Star, for example, is practically rocketing across the sky at a rate of about 10 arcseconds a year (click for the wiki article which has a great graphic of Barnard's movement across the sky). That's a lot, for the record.

What it boils down to is that while a few thousand years ago if you were born in late February you would have been and a Pisces like me, these days the sun was more likely to be booking it through Aquarius when you were born. The first is your and mine astrological star sign, the second is our true astronomical star sign. Neither have any effect on your life by the way.

Basically, if you want to believe in astrology you get down with your bad self. I will continue to make fun of you and make very low estimations of your intelligence. But at least get it right.

*I don't know, and I don't care enough to look it up.

Movies Anonymous

2010-03-14T21:36:00.005-05:00

"Uh... hi. My name is Nerd Heroine and I have bad taste in movies."

"Hi Nerd Heroine."

"I guess it started when I was a teenager. Other kids were talking about how good Braveheart was, I was sitting at home rewatching Tremors over and over."

*concerned mumbling*

"It just got worse and worse. ConAir, Snakes on a Plane, Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country, Young Guns 2. And it wasn't just a little here and there. I got into some really hard stuff: Deep Blue Sea, Alien3, Batman & Robin-"

*gasp*

"I know, I know, but the batsuit had nipples, how could I resist something that awesome?"

"It sounds like you had a real problem, what happened?"

"Oh I did, it got really bad for a while, I was watching the Star Wars Christmas Special and it wasn't even on a dare. Then I met someone, and for the first time I was ashamed. I mean, I never had been before, it never occurred to me that what I was doing was wrong you know? But suddenly I was watching clips on youtube and my DVDs were in a box in the attic. I didn't want him to know. I was terrified he'd find out. And one day, we went to see... oh god, it was awful."

"Let it all out, you'll feel better."

"We saw Terminator: Salvation."

"Oh dear."

"I know! I wasn't even thinking and he asked if I liked it and I just blurted out how great it was. The look in his eyes, I can still see it..."

"It's okay, it's okay. You've been walking a long and lonely road Heroine. Acceptance is the first step toward healing, you're on the right track. We can help you."

*polite clapping*

"Oh no, no, you don't understand. He liked it too! It turns out he doesn't have great taste in movies either!"

"Honey, this man, he's an enabler. You should get far away from him."

"But-"

"No. You need to look inside yourself, do you want to be that person? The one with the crazy DVD collection?"

"Kind of..."

"If you're not serious about getting help you should leave."

"I don't want help, I just want to let you know that there is someone out there for you, someone who will sit on the couch and watch Jaws 3 with you."

"You should leave."

"I'm still working on Batman and Robin, I'm not sure he's ready for that yet..."

"Out."

[All events above are purely fictional and comedic. I went to the midnight showing of Terminator: Salvation by myself. And it was awesome.]

The Goddamn Batman

2010-03-07T18:12:00.003-06:00

Oh my gods. Oh my gods. Oh my gods.

I don't really like to label one thing over another as being the "best" because it's all subjective and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and really, at any given moment what is "best" is likely to change. It may also change depending on who I am talking to at any given moment.

All that being said.... I received the best birthday present in the mail last Monday from J. Yes it was a week late, no I do not care.

I got comics. Not just any comics either, BATMAN comics. Oh! and Buffy comics (which I really enjoyed, but come on... Batman!)

Did you just hear a choir of angels sing? 'Cause I sure did.

In case you can't see, the is Fray, Batman Year 100, Batman Year One, and The Killing Joke. All of which I read the same night. That's how excited I was. Is this the wrong place to admit that I had never read any of these before? In fact, my only Batman collection until now 'Arkham Asylum'.

Someone knows how to make me happy, let me tell you.

There were a couple other things in the package, but they were personal and without specifically talking to J (and because I want to keep some portion of my personal life private) I am not including them. Y'all will live, I'm sure.

So as a note to anyone out there who wants to win my eternal love and devotion, this is how you do it.

Can I also add here, that this post gave me reason enough to create a 'Batman' tag, and all is now right in my world?

Ok Go - This too shall pass

2010-03-04T11:30:00.005-06:00

I am such a sucker for a Rube Goldberg machine, I really am. This is truly the best I have ever seen. The best part is, this is actually the music video for the song "This too shall pass" and I can only assume the guys in it are OK Go themselves.

Well done sirs.

Pearl Harbor Speech

2010-03-01T23:16:00.002-06:00

On the 7th December, 1945 Japan attacked Pearl Harbor naval base in Hawaii. The next day President Franklin Roosevelt gave a speech on Capitol Hill asking Congress to declare war on Japan. As alway, please click on the link to read the full text.

Pearl Harbor Speech

It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Japanese Government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.

The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been lost. In addition American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.

[...]

But always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us. No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe that I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger

-Franklin D. Roosevelt 8th December, 1945

Riding a Squirrel like it was a Taun-Taun

2010-02-28T17:08:00.011-06:00

(I don't really want to do too many of these as they are, very much, Cleolinda's thing. But it's been a while since she updated and I had an urge so.... yeah...)

Oh man, where do I even begin with the drama?

When last we left the dynamic duo, Edward Sparklepants Cullen had been grounded and was back in his box while I removed anything flammable from McCoy's reach. It was not surprising at all that Edward and McCoy would not get along - those two don't get along with anyone in canon, why would I expect different in real life? Because I am an eternal optimist that really really wants things to go well, that's why.

Yeah, I'm an idiot.

So, Christmas was a bad season here in the Heroine household. Lots of new toys, no time to mess with the old one. Most of my stuff is still packed from my not-move back in October, but I have a half dozen dolls and whatnot who are mostly capable of keeping themselves occupied. McCoy has spent most of the winter engaging in outside adventures; once I swear I saw him riding a squirrel across the snow like it was a Taun-Taun. He took a lot of shit for that from me. Mostly because how do you explain that to the neighbors?

Edward... let's just say that Edward is so far up Shit Creek by the time I'm writing this that I've considered setting him on fire myself. It all started one Thursday afternoon about three weeks ago....

"He's eating my squirrels."

I put down my pencil. Even crazy is a welcome break from Calculus. "Who is doing what in with the what now?"

"Sparklepants, he's been eating my squirrels."

"Your squirrels? And how do you know this?" Oh my god... "Do we have vampire squirrels? Tell me we don't have vampire squirrels." I went and threw the door open, "DOG! Get in here now."

"No, he's not turning them, but haven't you noticed there are less of them about?"

What does less squirrels look like? They still seemed to be everywhere, but McCoy wasn't prone to carrying tales... well, there was the one time Boromir got into it with Snape but that was ages ago. Three whole months at least.

"I'll talk with him."

Easier said than done. Edward no longer spent much time in the bedroom, or the study for that matter. Even a 104 year old virgin knows when he is not wanted. Or maybe, especially a 104 year old virgin knows when he is not wanted. I found him that night, perched in a hanging planter outside.

"What are you doing?

"Watching for rabbits."

"Rabbits? Why are you-" I stopped, I knew the answer. I neither needed nor wanted to hear it from him. He obliged me anyway.

"They are fluffy and delicious, like kittens with big puffy tails."

"The hell man? When did you eat a kitten?"

His butter-amber-golden-topaz eyes met mine, "Do you really want to know?"

No. In fact. I really don't. I don't want to know any of this. "Have you been eating McCoy's squirrels?"

"Not as good as rabbit, but not all that bad. More fun certainly."

"Stop it. Leave the squirrels in our yard alone. In fact, leave the squirrels for the next three or four houses alone. Actually, no squirrels. No rabbits. There are some mice out in the shed, eat those."

He pouted. "You understand that that's no fun at all?"

"I don't care. You're pissing McCoy off and I like him better than you." Yeah, I know, it was a terrible thing to say but you haven't been here, you have no idea what he's been like these past few months.

Tangential to all of this, let me bring you up to date on some other things. For Christmas, as a sort of impulse present for myself from Entertainment Earth, I got a mini-bust of Samwise Gamgee in his orc armor as well as a couple of other Black Friday deal things. Come on, they were like 80% off! I am the reason stores have sales, I really am. Anyway, Sam has been sitting on the edge of my desk, helping me with my homeworks and in general being a voice of reason in my ever maddening world.

"He only wants yer love, Mistress Heroine."

"Who? Edward?"

"Ay, he just wants you to like him."

"Well if he quits killing small, adorable animals I'd like him quite well."

Sam just harrumphed to himself and went back to polishing his sword. Not that way, you sicko. His actual giant orc swor.... oh I give up. Yes, he decided to do very naughty things. Are you happy?

The next few days went by in a blur of snow and tests, Valentine's came and went... all seemed to be going well. I was in the bedroom, reading a book Jessica sent me (I love you.) and generally trying to veg out a bit after my hard week.

Have you ever heard a horse scream? A pony? It is the most terrifying and heart-rending noise you could ever imagine. Now imagine it on the tiniest and most adorable scale your mind can comprehend.

I flew from my repose, gentle reader, but I didn't know where to go. The noise could have come from anywhere. I glanced about helplessly until I heard a muttering voice: "What have I done? Like candy? Delicious wrong candy? Melted in my mouth... what have I done?"

"Oh. My. God! What happened?"

From his vantage on the desk, Sam filled me in. McCoy was busy tending his patient and Edward... well, Edward was pretty far gone. "He bit her. Ate her all up."

"WHAT!?"

"Edward. He ate Moonshine. Tore into her like she was a nothing."

"EDWARD!"

"Like a bag of skittles, sweet sweet skittles. Oh god, oh god."

Well he was going to be useless. I knelt down next to McCoy where he had set up a triage table with Moonshine on it. "Is she...?"

"She's dead Heroine. I don't know how it worked, but it's like he sucked the life force right out of her." He glared over at the killer, "I told you he was dangerous."

I sat back and groaned. Moonshine was a gorgeous, bright pony with her whole life ahead of her. "Can't you- can't you do anything for her?"

"I'm a doctor, not a tinker. Whatever it was that made her... alive is gone now." He stood up, grabbing his phaser and I knew what was going to come next. I grabbed Edward quickly and went back to the bedroom.

I shut the door and set him on the bed. "What is the matter with you?"

"So hungry. Can't eat squirrels. Can't eat rabbits. Mice all gone... what to eat. Pretty pony, prancing pony. Tastes like rainbows..."

You are kidding me right? This is my fault? I didn't know! I swear it. I mean, yeah I knew mice were small and that after a while they'd probably run out - but I figured he'd come back and, I don't know, tell me when this happened. We would have found something for him. Maybe I'd have let up my squirrel ban.

Edward was in no condition to speak for himself, and not knowing what else to do I wrapped him back up in his box. We discovered last time this puts him into a kind of sleep mode. I went back into the study.

"You should just get rid of him. He's a damn menace."

"I know," I said, sitting down on the floor near the remains of poor Moonshine. "I know."

That happened last weekend, Edward has been in the closet since then (I'm resiting the urge to make an "In the closet" joke because these are grief-filled and trying times) awaiting my final decision on his fate. I think I might have to put him in his box for good. I don't know what else to do, honestly. McCoy keeps threatening to rip his head off and.... SWEET MARY MOTHER OF GOD.

Oh Jesus, a Vampony? Really? Is this what my life has come to? Red-eyed, tiny-fanged vamponies?

I don't even... I can't... I'm going to just go be elsewhere for awhile, okay?

The Lord of the Green Lantern

2010-02-26T18:56:00.007-06:00

Have I ever told you my theory that the Rings of Power are in fact copies of the Green Lantern Power Ring - and that the Dark Lord Sauron was for some time a Green Lantern?

No? Oh, this story is awesome.

Also, I know that the true Lord of the Rings and Green Lantern fanboys (and girls) out there are going to vilify me for this and point out a dozen inconsistencies, but I do not care. Shuddup.

Also awesome, this picture. Look at how awesome it is. I made this (okay, I gimped this).

One ring to rule them in brightest day
One ring to bind them in blackest night
Beware my power... in the darkness where the shadows lie!

After the fall of Morgoth (I’ve already lost a few of you haven’t I?) Sauron at first tried to make good with the Valar on Eä but they wanted him to redeem himself and he wasn’t really up for that. Instead, he went into the lands of Middle-Earth to set himself up as a kind of god-king. He won over the humans and dwarfs pretty easily, but the elves still had a bee in their bonnet about the whole Island of Werewolves incident and those sisters don’t ever let nothin’ go, you follow?

Please keep in mind this is a simplified version of events and if you want the long version go read the Silmarillion and may the Lords of Valar have mercy on your soul because I sure as hell am not doing that again.

Now the annals of Middle-Earth history say that at this point Sauron disguised himself and went to the elves so that they would forge the nineteen rings of power, then forged his own in secret to have dominion over the others.

I'm not buyin' it. For all his bluster and might, Sauron was not the brightest bulb on the porch. Here’s my theory: after conquering the lands of men as a (seemingly) beneficial god, Sauron fell under the attention of the Guardians. Who were, in fact, the Valar who had chosen not to journey to Eä and instead stayed on Oa. I note here the similarity of the two names. Noted? Good.

The Guardians had, in their time, seen that the universe needed protectors and they – unwisely it turns out – offered the job of policing sector 2814 to Sauron who they knew to have been involved in the War of Wrath; even if they did not fully understand his involvement as it turns out. So they give him a Green Lantern Ring.

What an alarmingly bad idea.

Sauron goes to town, turns the men and dwarfs to his rule, but the elves possess their own strong magic and resist. This is shit up with which Sauron will not put. He spends years studying the ring, trying to figure out how he can use it to turn the elves to him. Eventually, he hits on the idea of seducing the elves to him with their own rings of power. Since they will be, in truth, mere copies of his he will ultimately have dominion over them through their own rings. The Guardians or Valar or whatever you want to call them handed Sauron control of Middle-Earth on a platter. As we know, the elves are not as dumb as their blonde hair would suggest and this goes very badly.

Sauron's ring is taken from him, but it will not bend to the will of its new owner. Sauron has invested so much of himself in his Ring of Power that he becomes little more than the energy contained in it, shining atop Barad-dûr as the embodiment of his own lantern until he can be reunited with his ring.

So yeah, to recap here: the One Ring was actually a Ring of Power, and Sauron was Earth’s first Green Lantern.

Thoughts?

*Note: Sauron's original name was Mairon, which if you're like me you'll read as Marion. Congratulations, the Dark Lord is 115% less terrifying. Also, lantern doesn't look like a word anymore.

T-Shirt Wars

2010-02-25T17:53:00.000-06:00

Another Video? Feel the love y'all.

T-Shirt War.

The T-Shirt War from Ibrahim Nergiz on Vimeo.

Think Geek

2010-02-24T15:46:00.003-06:00

I'm a pretty big fan of Think Geek, I want a Taun-Taun sleeping bag like nobody's business, and a samurai umbrella, and oh, a hundred other things.

But I never realised how cool they were. Here we have the amazing people of Think Geek playing The Who's Baba O'Reilly on products from their store.

Did I mention I want the guitar shirt? 'Cause I do.

Tattoo!

2010-02-23T18:12:00.005-06:00

I got a new tattoo yesterday - and it is a product of how subsumed I am in twitter that it has taken me a whole day to get around to posting about it on my blog. So, sorry about that?

I have been holding on to this idea for a while, mainly because money has been (and still is) very tight. However, my birthday was Sunday and I got some moneys and I decided, What the Hell, let's do this.

The idea for the tattoo comes from The Lord of the Rings:

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king

I did debate with myself on whether to get "Deep roots are not touched by the frost," but ultimately decided that other parts of the poem spoke to me more. So away I went to Skinworks - your place for fine tattooing, and the lovely people who did my first four.

The man was responsible for the process (and yes, that is me he's working on) was named Phil, and if you know him, tell him I said Hi and that it's healing better than he expected - even if it's still kind of early to tell.

And the final result was this

written in Bilbo Baggins' handwriting.

Please ignore how scary pale my foot is. It always looks like that.

I know for a fact I am not the only person to have this phrase tattooed on them, but I am the only person I know of to have it tattooed across their foot. Which is, coincidentally, the only place I would want to have it. It just made the most sense.

For those of you curious, the arch of the foot did not hurt that much. In fact, I'd say it was the least painful of the tats I've gotten. Anyone keeping score at home, wrist was by far the worst.

A very Hobbity Birthday Part II

2010-02-20T21:14:00.019-06:00

Hi! It's been a great week, thank you so much to everyone who's taken time out to tell me Happy Birthday. I do really appreciate it, my track record with birthdays is really not all that great.

So you want to know how the winning of stuff went? I know, I know, but I just wanted to get gushy for a bit.

I was going to pull names out of something, like I did when for the twitter secret santa. Then I thought about it some more and that simply does not reach the level of awesomeness my birthday should aspire to.

So I did this instead....

Everybody got a paper airplane with their name on it. This is @J3551C4's...

The airplanes went into a box....

And the box got thrown into the air, and this was the result...

So here are the winners, there was a tie for fourth, but it was okay! They didn't want the same thing, so it was all good.

1st: @badvillemojo - Star Trek DVD
2nd: @steelwoolwookie - Box of Mystery and Excitement
3rd: @corpzombie - Star Trek DVD
4th: @KatAKlism - Chew Volume 1
4th: @angryfatgeek - Darwin Poster

(Edited to add who chose what...)

All gifts were, given, everything will be mailed tomorrow, and the Heroine saw that it was good.

A big thank you to everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday, and congrats to the winners! If you want to know what your place was, just ask!

A very Hobbity Birthday to you!

2010-02-15T21:00:00.003-06:00

It is a time-honored tradition here in the Shire that one gives birthday presents on one's birthday, rather than receive them. In that spirit, I am going to give out some gifts to my online friends who may or may not want them.

Simply comment on this post or @nerdheroine a 'Happy Birthday' before midnight (CST) on February 20th and I will spend part of my birthday (the 21st) handing out presents. I'll send you a DM or email as applicable to arrange shipping. Sound good?

This is ONLY open to people currently following me on twitter and people who read my blog. Please don't RT this, I know exactly who my last follower was (because I just wrote it down) and I have a fair idea of who reads this blog. This is a just a thank you for being around and being funny/interesting folk these past six months or so.

So what are the prizes? Mostly things I have around the house I somehow manage to have two of. All are brand new, I just have two (or more) of them due to a series of bizarre circumstances. Did you know I got four copies of Star Trek for Christmas? Yeah, like that. Let's see...

Star Trek (2009)

Chew "Taster's Choice" - includes Chew Issues #1-5

Darwin's "I think" journal entry from the Museum of Natural History, London (poster/print, approx 50x70cm)

One box of mystery and excitement. A miscellany things too small to offer on their own. Includes but is not limited to cards, comics, pins, figurines and/or books.

So if you think you might like to have any of the above drop me a tweet on twitter, or a comment below.

Happy Birthday to me!

I luff you internets

2010-02-10T21:29:00.005-06:00

Dear internet,

I love you. Making friends in real life is super hard. People are difficult and they give me funny looks when I start talking about my Green Lantern theories and why Adama and Roslin are the greatest TV couple of all time. If I do manage to contain my geekery long enough to make friends with normal people, I then have to try and contain myself when in their company. I repeat, it's hard work.

But not you internet. You filter the crazy/geeky/nerdy people right to me. Whether it's on twitter or some forum, you have a way of sending the people my way who understand and appreciate me for being the absolute loon that I am. Who get the Lost references and come back at me with Star Wars trivia. I mean, where else am I going to find someone to mail me a high fantasy series?

My real life friends call me nerd - a badge I wear proudly, but they're not saying it proudly. They're saying it in that way you do when you sneer a little. It is, in short, a slur. Internet friends call me nerd and you can hear (read, whatever) the smile in their voices when they do. It's nice.

I love you internets, but people of the internets, I love you more.

Hugs and Kisses,
The Heroine

Science, BA (Hons)

2010-02-03T18:00:00.003-06:00

These were brought to my attention through the Bad Astronomer himself, and are more than worth a read. I've been known to write my fair share of 'Open letters to...' various organizations, but these are far better done than anything I could come up with.

Dear Media, from Science

Dear Homeopathy, from Science

Dear Astrology, from Science

Edited on 4Feb to add: Ok, so I only followed the links provided by Dr. Plait, but there are several more of the Science letters, find them here... I highly recommend Dear Advertising, from Science

Shakespeare Sonnet 116

2010-02-02T17:49:00.000-06:00

Ack! I missed my 'Speeches that make me cry' in February 1st. My bad.

In honor of this month of love, I'm going to forgo the actual tearjerker and stick with something that simply speaks to me. Printed in full

Shakespeare Sonnet 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Dallas Comic Con

2010-02-01T21:48:00.006-06:00

On Saturday I drove the 180+ miles to Dallas so that I could attend ComicCon. It took me just shy of three hours. I then drove the 180+ miles back that night, making for a total of six hours on the road.

It was so worth it.

This was my first Comic Con, although not my first convention. That honor belongs to a Hercules/Xena Convention I went to when I was... 14? I'm not exactly sure although I do clearly remember cosplaying in a toga that became my go-to Halloween costume for the next ten years. Good times, man, good times.

Anyway, my first Comic Con, yes. It was exactly the amount of people I was expecting crammed into about 1/3 the space. The place was a fire hazard waiting to happen.

I went with Kali and Mike Kunkle, the good people of Dreamworthy Gifts, who I met on twitter. No, it turned out they were not in fact serial killers. My TV has been lying to me for years. They were sweet enough to bring me a present...

It's an outdoor plaque, the quarter is included for scale. It's really nice and was totally sweet of them. Which I may or may not have said about fifty times. And they didn't even know I'm studying astronomy! Spooky....

So the con? Man, I keep getting sidetracked. Well, after having lunch we went down to the Richardson Convention Center where I gave up on finding a parking spot and parked like a half mile away. Whatever. Little known fact about me, I don't shop for a space. I'd rather just park in the boonies and walk.

We walk in and are at one end of the artist's hall. There is barely enough room to slide your way through the crowd, and all of the artists I am interested in have hoardes of people between me and them. I'm doing an initial walk-through where I add up prices in my head so I can be sure I have enough money for the stuff I really want. Also, wishing I had some sort of drawing talent at all. Cause like whoa and damn, some of the art was spectacular.

I did get a chance to talk to Joel Watson of Hijink Ensue, one of my favorite webcomics and proud member of my Morning Coffee. He is as funny in real life as in his comic. ( Strangely, a lot of writer's are not.) Also, kind of cute. Just throwin' that out there.

I did end up picking up some pretty neat stuff, chief amongst them being a Godzilla shirt, a Wonder Woman print and 'Godspeed you fancy bastard' (which happens to be the Hijinks Ensue first collection; so, you know, go buy it).

But really it was just a fun time with some really good people. I will definitely go back next year.

(Also, I went to Whole Foods in North Dallas and lamented that I don't actually live near one. That place is amazing.)

Damn you invisible animals living in my body!

2010-01-23T20:18:00.006-06:00

I am sick. Bleh. Been trying really really hard not to be for the last couple of days, thought I was doing well today, then got up and did a baby shower for A and was one my feet and busy for about six hours.

Now I feel like shit. Eating soup, drinking Sprite and just generally feeling sorry for myself - as one is wont to do while ill. I will likely spend my Saturday night watching Buffy since I have been wanting to go back and rewatch the series, and since I have it right here...

On the plus side, the dog is super cute when I'm sick. She brought me her ball and after I explained that I wasn't really up to going outside and throwing it, she walked away all dejected like. She returned with her blue squeeky dinosaur and laid it in my lap, then laid her head on my lap. Thank you dog, that makes me feel a lot better.

On a brighter note, I got a Team Edward (James Olmos) in the mail today, from my sister-in-law who is doing everything in her power to become my most awesome relative - blood or otherwise. First it was a Star Trek necklace, then the Geek Girl's Guide to Cheerleading, then Maus... now Team Edward. I love you J.

Battlestar Batman

2010-01-10T17:20:00.008-06:00

Lord, I am such a dweeb (Dweebus Maximus is the term according to Kali and Mike of Dreamworthy Gifts). Not only did I not even leave the house on Saturday night, I spent my evening... well, let's go into the backstory first shall I?

Within about a half hour of waking up on Saturday morning I was involved in a conversation about what a Batman / Battlestar Galactica crossover would be like with @hubcomics. Because, yeah, that's my life now.

Well, this lead to discussion on how it would work: Dude, each ship would end up with its own supervillian, with Batman on Galactica. It would be EPIC. As well as ideas for how the story might unfold: Joker kidnaps Gaius Baltar: "Why is 6 afraid of 7?" "I have no idea. Cylon politics?!" "Because 7 8 9!"; DICK "NIGHTWING" GRAYSON vs. LEE "APOLLO" ADAMA in the battle of "I'll never be as good as my dad, either!".

So Saturday night, while I'm sitting at home being a dorkus maximus, I made this... and it cracks me up.

click for full view

So there you go, Jesse, Battlestar Batman.

Blue text is from @hubcomics.

Who are these people?

2010-01-09T18:00:00.000-06:00

While on my Christmas vacation my family and I played quite a bit of wii. We can't play as a team, there is far too much yelling and accusations on even the simplest sports, and god forbid you bring something like doubles tennis into it. But we do quite well with individual effort.

So imagine a fine, California afternoon. It's a balmy seventy outside, and geeks that we are we're inside playing wii hundred pin bowling, the most satisfying game ever invented. If you haven't heard the cacophony a hundred pins make when connect with a bowling ball you have not lived.

It's my turn, I have a split. The pins are easily ten feet apart. So I concoct a plan that involves bouncing my ball off the bumpers to make a billiards-type move to get both. I get ready, get set, and....

What the Hell?

Dude, is that Voldemort? And a Stormtrooper?

They totally made me flub my shot, by the way. Then, of course, no one believed me. Also, it appears it's not the same crowd every time either. While I was waiting for He Who Shall Not be Named to come around again, I also saw...

A ninja. Dude, it's a ninja! Also, some total dork there in the front, but a ninja. I don't know who the guy with what looks like a dude standing on his sunglasses is, but I'm sure if I were a better geek I would recognize him instantly.

Also, in the back of the other side...

It's the Joker! And some guy from KISS.

At this point, the game pretty much devolved into trying to find all the hidden miis.

In the end we found these guys...

But also a hamburger...
And Billy Mays!

GO BUY A WII! <---- To be read in a Billy Mays voice.