Dell: Hello, this is Dell technical support, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, my laptop over-heated and shut down yesterday, since then my fan has been making a very loud buzzing noise. It’s going to need replacing.
Dell: I am sorry to hear that. We will run some tests and try to get this taken care of quickly. Okay, I need you plug in your AC adapter.
Me: I don’t have it with me.
Dell: Well ma’am, I need you to have your AC adapter plugged in before we can proceed further.
Me: No, I mean, it’s like a hundred miles away.
Dell: I am afraid we will need the to have the AC adapter to assess your problem.
Me: Okay, explain to me the link between my power cable and the fan and I’ll go get it.
Dell: That is a very good question ma’am. We will be testing many things on your computer including the software, the hard drive, the keyboard, the mouse, and the AC adapter.
Me: This is a hardware problem. You are not going to fix it by assessing my keyboard.
Dell: Ma’am, I’m sorry but we must run these tests.
Me: Even thought they are an absolute waste of time?
Dell: I do not believe that they are ma’am.
Dell: Ma’am, are you retrieving your power cable?
Me: No. I told you it’s a hundred miles away. And unnecessary. This is a hardware problem.
(After some discussion we decide to spend the next thirty minutes running a system check. All the while I am quietly fuming. At one point, we have the following exchange.)
Dell: (sounding worried) I see here that you did not purchase our complete care extended warranty package.
Me: Excuse me? This laptop comes with a warranty. It sure as hell should cover something that should never break to begin with.
Dell: Oh no ma’am, your warranty covers any issues with the cooling fan. However, you may wish to purchase the extended-
Me: Are you trying to upsell me? Really? Now?
Dell: Ma’am I-
Me: No, I don’t want the extended warranty. I only wanted the one year warranty for the out of the box problems. Like this one.
(Again, much later after we have diagnosed that my computer believes everything is peachy keen.)
Dell: Okay, do you have wireless access from your computer?
Dell: I am sending you a file to download to your hard drive. It will update-
Dell: I’m sorry ma’am?
Me: No, I don’t put anything on my computer without knowing exactly what it is. And nothing you could send me is going to fix a hardware problem.
Dell: It is a very small file ma’am.
Me: I don’t care how big it is, I’m not putting it on my laptop.
Dell: It is an exe file.
Me: I can’t open an exe file anyway. I am running Ubuntu. (Right here is where I really start flipping my shit because surely they have it on file that I bought a Inspiron with and Ubuntu OS. Right? Apparently not.)
Dell: Oh, I am going to need to transfer you to our Ubuntu specialist then ma’am. Be sure to tell him that you are running Ubuntu.
Me: Why should that even matter with a hardware problem? And am I going to have to go through all this again?
Dell: I will conference in this representative, you will not have to do all this again.
Dell: Hello, this is Dell technical support how may I help?
Me: You don’t know? He was supposed to talk to you.
Dell: I’m sorry ma’am, your call has been automatically transferred to me, how may I help?
(And then, gentle reader, I lost it.)
Me: I don’t fucking believe this. I’ve just spent forty-five minutes on the phone doing absolutely nothing useful and now I have to do it all again with you.
Dell: I’m going to have to ask you to calm down.
(After I got a hold on myself we finally got around to the issue. What followed was him transferring me to his manager as he attempted to speak to the Ubuntu specialist [again, why?] so his manager could apologise to me. Finally, he comes back and says...)
Dell: I have spoken to our Ubuntu specialist and he assures me this is a hardware problem. We will arrange to have it shipped to one of our service centres to be fixed.
Me: I have been on the phone for an hour and twenty minutes trying to tell you that exact same thing.
(In short, fuck you Dell. If I didn’t already have my computer, I would never buy from you. In fact, if I get so much as a whisper of a problem from you over this, I’m going to return this one.)