How Victoria Dahl is making me lose my hair

I would like to tell you a story about how one of my favorite authors and twitter compatriots caused me to lose about 10 inches of hair.

On Monday evening I was browsing through the twittervese, as one does, and came across this post by the great Victoria Dahl:

Which Piqued my curiosity. It leads here and eventually got me to this image...

This of course prompted several more minutes (hours) of casually browsing through Ms Dahl's tumblr searching for more interesting things (more pictures of hot mostly naked scruffy men). While I was wandering through this tumblr, I came across this post: http://victoriadahl.tumblr.com/post/30362185369/for-those-of-you-wholl-be-reading-close-enough-to which had this picture as it's centerpiece...

Now I dye my hair approximately that color of red to start with (a bit darker maybe), and have been looking into getting non-natural highlights for a while and thought to myself, maybe I should do something in that color scheme?

And then I shrugged and went to bed because that's what you do when you see shit on tumblr at 11:30 on a Monday night.

The next day I was out to lunch and thought, "I should cut my hair. I should get that exact haircut." I called a salon and within a fifteen minutes I was looking at this:

This was only the first cut and within a few minutes more I had lost around 10 inches in overall length. My stylist used an electric razor at the back of my neck and my hair in a ponytail used to fall well below my shoulders. That's how short we're talking.

And when it was all said and done I walked out of the salon feeling deeply confused by what happened. Am I really so susceptible to suggestion that someone whom I like and admire posting on tumblr will cause me to make a massive overhaul to my personal appearance? 

Am I really such a pushover that if someone shows me something pretty I have to go out right this moment and get it without thinking about it for more than thirty minutes?

Am I really that person?

Yes. Yes I am. Apparently.

But guys, I have to tell you. I look fabulous.

** This has more volume than I've been styling it with (the stylist and I were messing around) and I went with teal instead of purple as the highlight color.

Goals, I has them

A conversation I had via text with a friend. My friends are awesome BTW.


Me                                                                                                                     Me friend K
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OMG have I told you my new life goal?

You have not, what is it!?

I want someone to get me all tripped out on acid
and then take me to Disneyland.
Always get stoned under supervision. That's my motto.

Damn straight, safety first!

And I feel like Disneyland could be a very scary place on acid.

That's why I want a chaperone.
I feel it's an experience that could turn on you quickly.

Feel free to add this to your list of birthday ideas for me.
I'll buy the Disney tickets. :)

Lol, and that's why you plan ahead.

Hm... I think your idea might be genius... 

I was thinking of all the line-waiting, 

but tripping would make that way more fun

OMG K, do you see these flowers? 

DO YOU SEE THESE FUCKING FLOWERS?

"That's gum."

Lol

I think Goofy just bit me.

Im going to get cartoon rabies.

Its like regular rabies only instead of fomaing at the mouth 

you do that ah-ooga thing wolves do to hot chicks in cartoons.

I don't want to die this way K. Don't let me die this way!

Well [NH], at least those sound more fun than regular rabies. 

Thank God you went to hug Goofy 

and not that pidgeon you keep calling Donald.

But he's not wearing pants. 

Donald is the only bird that doesn't wear pants. Ergo...

You keep saying that, and I keep telling you that's just a pidgeon... 

although that's a different pidgeon than the one we started with... 

so that's... better?

(And then I sit in front of Cinderella's castle for three hours staring at my hair.)

It would be fucking AMAZING.

I'll do the same for you when you reach the equivalent birthday.

lol, you're a good frined.

*friend, sorry.

Missed an unintentional "fried" joke by *thismuch*

I was totally just thinking that... 

that and wondering if frined was a word. 

And then deciding it was not.

I think KFC gets frined in food poisoning cases.

And with that I bid you good night!

Ditto! Talk to ya later

Actual conversation after the ending of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

John: Actually, when Lincoln gave the Gettysburg address no one cheered, everyone thought it was shit.

Me: That's what you're choosing to nitpick over?

Discount this

Twice in the past week I have had to get into a discussion with a salesperson because of a clearly marked discount that they did not understand. And I mean this in the most generous sense possible: these were manufacturer's discounts the store was running on their behalf, not just some salesperson being dumb or oblivious. It was just obvious the store hadn't thought things through.

Both incident happened in the same store.

[Note: I'm about to enter and intensive 10-week course which will have me working 16 hour days so I'm stocking up on candies and cookies so I don't kill someone around week six. These will be kept in the car in case of me or other people emergency. Anyway...]

In the first case, there was a discount on M&Ms, $1.00 for any pack (sizes 1.6something or larger). I bought two packs of peanut butter M&Ms - sharing size which is like 3.something something. Larger to get to the point. Of course - they did not ring up with the discount and the clerk kept explaining to me over and over it only referred to the regular size bags, like in the picture. I told her I understood this, but the sign also clearly says or larger. We both agreed my sharing size bags were larger. Eventually she just gave up and sold me at that price. Winner = Me.

Now, tonight, I go in and see a deal which is 3 single serving Nabisco packs for $2. On the shelf were some Oreos, Chips Ahoy, something else, and Oreo Cakesters. All Nabisco, all single serving. I bring up three of the Cakesters because all the nom are mine thank you. Now the cakester packs, if you haven't seen them, are obviously a little larger than the others. But still single serving. Again, they ring up at something like $1.84 each and obviously not discounted. I start again, although this time I'm not as pushy because the sign says regular price is $.89 and these were clearly not that. But I did point out to the guy that he needs to move the cakesters in that case, since they're on the shelf with the things that are on sale and they have no price on them to let people know they're not. Winner = them :(

I know it's sometimes asking a lot of people, but please actually consider what you are actually offering before you commit to it. My examples are small scale, but they range all the way up to the guy who ended up winning an F-16 from Pepsi (who of course reneged).

Super Bowl

This totally just happened:

Me, checking twitter, I see that the Giants and the Patriots are playing in the Super Bowl this weekend. I turn to a friend, R...

me: Hey, I didn't know the Giants made the Super Bowl, that's cool. Like a total east coast versus west coast thing.

R: *blank stare*

me: You know, how there both on the coasts.... away from each other.... [I'm making hand gestures to help him.]

R: Yeah, except they're in neighboring states.

me: Wait, I thought the Patriots were on the east coast somewhere.

R: They are.

me: And the Giants are in San Francisco.

R: New York.

A pause while I take this in, a confused look on my face...

me: It's not the San Francisco Giants?

R: That's baseball.

me: Oh....

I'm usually faking being sports dumb, but apparently closer to the truth than I thought it was.

Why I love my friends/family...

Children under...

Oh thank god I'm old enough to order this...

Worst Case Scenario

Whenever I am trying to make a decision - usually relatively benign such as 'Should I wear this hat today? - I always ask myself the follow-up question, 'What's the worst that could happen?'

You might think that in this case it would be something like appearing on fugly.com. But no.

No matter what the decision is, my brain immediately turns to some variation on this...

People fleeing in the background, optional.

And that, kids, is why I almost never try anything new.

Packages

Last week I sent my bestest friend a package using a flat-rate box. I remember this well because the post office lady and I discussed how I was actually losing money because the box was so light. I also sent a painting via UPS because it was a goofy size and I didn't have a box for it.

Today I got a text saying that the UPS package arrived and to explain something in the box. This confused me. It was a pretty self-explanatory painting. When questioned, I realized she meant something from the flat-rate USPS box which included some shirts. I stated this.

[The following are our texts]

L: I believe that the wearable items were delivered by ups, dear. Check your tracking number.

NH: No, it was a USPS flat rate box. I remember it well.
And only you could figure out a way to wear the other package.

L: It was not! I'm looking at it now. It's brown.
A brown UPS box arrived today containing a pair of socks, a robe, a t-shirt and a mysterious little frame WHICH YOU ARE NOW GOING TO TELL ME ABOUT.

NH: That was a flat rate box! I VIVIDLY remember this. Because I wrote it to [name], NY NY, USA, Earth. And it made the post office lady laugh.
I VIVIDLY recall this.
And I will tell you when I am DAMN WELL READY TO.

L: I am TAKING A PICTURE OF THE BOX. RIGHT NOW.

[I have not, as of yet, seen this evidence.]

NH: I'm so confused. I'm calling you.

[At this point, I called and had one ring before being shunted to voicemail.]

NH: Or I'm not calling you because you're texting in class.

[She totally was, and got in trouble for trying to take a picture of the box during class.]

[A phone call followed later in which her doorman stated to god above there was no other package for her and then I had it out with her doorman and she hung up on me. A few moments later...]

L: Hmm. Maaaaybe you were right about the 2nd pkg.

NH: HA!.
Ha. Ha. Ha.

[I am, as always, gracious in victory.]

I don't know what happened to the first package, or why it spontaneously changed colors. I am confused by this, but by god I was at least right about something today.

Dance Craze

There is a new dance craze sweeping the nation - based off Weekend at Bernie's unless I completely miss my guess. I only guess because the Berney of 'Move it like Berney' is spelled differently.

I bring up this new dace 'craze' only because it started right here, within ten miles of my home. I am so thoroughly ashamed by this.

I would be willing to pay good money to someone willing to dance like this for me. Serious.

Mavericks

Real conversation (names changed to protect the innocent) (Neither was me for the record.)

Dan: "While I'm in Dallas next week some of the guys are taking me to a Mavericks game."

Carol: "You? They're taking you to a Mavericks game?"

Dan: "Yeah. So?"

Carol: "You have absolutely no interest in sports."

Dan: "Well..."

Carol: "Tell me something, what sport do the Mavericks play?"

Dan: "..................................... basketball?"

Carol: "Are you sure? Are you sure you don't need to bring a jacket because it's hockey?"

Dan: "....."

Dan: "......dammit....."

Dan: [goes off to check internet]

Dan: "Ha. It is basketball!"

Tights are not pants

Today I was on a journey through the mall. A magical time when I was to buy new shoes and was magically coerced into buying two new pairs of shoes because of a sale - and were I to not participate in this "buy one get one" phenomenon I would in fact be losing money and that's all bad.

Anyway, as I am walking through the food court at the mall I see this woman. I would not ordinarily classify a woman as young as her (20 or so to my age) as woman, normally she would be a "girl" because I'm from the South and that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. I'm using the term "woman" to clarify that this is someone who should have known better.

This woman is wearing a long shirt, as one might expect to find paired inappropriately with a pair of opaque tights. Now, I'm sure I don't need to tell you that tights are not pants, nor should they be. However, this woman had forgone to even wear the tights.

When your top covering is that short, lower coverings are no longer optional. Nightclubs get a pass, but this is the mall, in broad daylight. You are appearing in a public place - wear clothes, it's the law.

I admit it, I stared a bit. But in that way where you're trying really really hard not to look like you're staring. As soon as she came alongside of me, and thus I was out of her field of vision I did a full body recoil while mouthing "Oh. My. God."

I look up and there is a woman, sitting with two friends who were not privy to the same view. She is staring after and making exactly the same face I am. As I come alongside her I say, "Same girl?"

"Oh my god yes." She affirmed with incredulity. We shared a laugh.

Moral: If you dress like a slutty hobo in public I'm not the only person who will be judging you for it.

Gamer Widowhood?

I have been ruminating on the events of this video for a few days now, a video I'm pretty sure some if not all of you may have seen by now.

Let me say up front, I don't play WoW. I tried to get into Star Trek online, and I just don't have the temperament for MMORPGs. However, I have on occasion poured innumerable hours into a project and while I cannot speak for gamers as whole, I can speak based on both my experience as a geek and as a girl...

Here's the video-




First, I hope that was his apartment they were in and I hope he threw her on her ass then and there.

Second, that was a truly despicable thing for her to do. I understand the "gamer widowhood" syndrome that some ladies feel they are a victim of. Their husband/boyfriend spends too much time playing video games and not enough time with them. I get it, really I do. But ladies, I have a secret for you...

No one is making you stay with that guy.

How he spends his time is his own damn business and if he isn't fulfilling your needs, find someone else who will. You don't like that he plays World of Warcraft all the time? There are millions of guys out there that think WoW is a seventies cover band.

What you don't do is be a passive-aggressive bitch about it and undo countless hours of his hard work. It doesn't matter that it was in a game, he assigned value to it which makes it valuable. Your perceived notion that it is not valuable has no bearing on this situation.

I feel so much pain for that guy and I hope he walked into the other and room and said two words to her, "Get out."

You're going the wrong way!

We thought we had you all figured out, planets. A cloud of gas is spinning until it becomes a flat disk, the center becomes a star which spins on its axis in the same direction the disk is moving, then the planets form. Everything continues to spin in the same direction.*

So what is up with these shenanigans?


This cannot be so. It flies in the face of all of our understanding about how solar systems are formed. That planet is orbiting its sun the wrong way. Ok, yes, it's an artists rendering of a planet, but the planet does exist.

Everything about this is just wrong, how can it happen? There are some theories, so it's not as though astronomy as we know it has just collapsed (or has it?).

This is the astronomical equivalent of finding a green grape growing in the middle of a bunch of red ones. Yeah, that's right, I'm breaking out the analogies.

Science isn't exactly sure of the whys and heretofores of this solar system yet, so don't expect to find definitive answers, just know that the universe is a super weird place.


*That's the really really short version of this tale.

(Thanks to Bad Astronomer for the headsup)

Ok Go - This too shall pass

I am such a sucker for a Rube Goldberg machine, I really am. This is truly the best I have ever seen. The best part is, this is actually the music video for the song "This too shall pass" and I can only assume the guys in it are OK Go themselves.

Well done sirs.

Riding a Squirrel like it was a Taun-Taun

(I don't really want to do too many of these as they are, very much, Cleolinda's thing. But it's been a while since she updated and I had an urge so.... yeah...)

Oh man, where do I even begin with the drama?

When last we left the dynamic duo, Edward Sparklepants Cullen had been grounded and was back in his box while I removed anything flammable from McCoy's reach. It was not surprising at all that Edward and McCoy would not get along - those two don't get along with anyone in canon, why would I expect different in real life? Because I am an eternal optimist that really really wants things to go well, that's why.

Yeah, I'm an idiot.

So, Christmas was a bad season here in the Heroine household. Lots of new toys, no time to mess with the old one. Most of my stuff is still packed from my not-move back in October, but I have a half dozen dolls and whatnot who are mostly capable of keeping themselves occupied. McCoy has spent most of the winter engaging in outside adventures; once I swear I saw him riding a squirrel across the snow like it was a Taun-Taun. He took a lot of shit for that from me. Mostly because how do you explain that to the neighbors?

Edward... let's just say that Edward is so far up Shit Creek by the time I'm writing this that I've considered setting him on fire myself. It all started one Thursday afternoon about three weeks ago....


"He's eating my squirrels."



I put down my pencil. Even crazy is a welcome break from Calculus. "Who is doing what in with the what now?"

"Sparklepants, he's been eating my squirrels."



"Your squirrels? And how do you know this?" Oh my god... "Do we have vampire squirrels? Tell me we don't have vampire squirrels." I went and threw the door open, "DOG! Get in here now."

"No, he's not turning them, but haven't you noticed there are less of them about?"


What does less squirrels look like? They still seemed to be everywhere, but McCoy wasn't prone to carrying tales... well, there was the one time Boromir got into it with Snape but that was ages ago. Three whole months at least.

"I'll talk with him."

Easier said than done. Edward no longer spent much time in the bedroom, or the study for that matter. Even a 104 year old virgin knows when he is not wanted. Or maybe, especially a 104 year old virgin knows when he is not wanted. I found him that night, perched in a hanging planter outside.

"What are you doing?

"Watching for rabbits."

"Rabbits? Why are you-" I stopped, I knew the answer. I neither needed nor wanted to hear it from him. He obliged me anyway.

"They are fluffy and delicious, like kittens with big puffy tails."



"The hell man? When did you eat a kitten?"

His butter-amber-golden-topaz eyes met mine, "Do you really want to know?"



No. In fact. I really don't. I don't want to know any of this. "Have you been eating McCoy's squirrels?"

"Not as good as rabbit, but not all that bad. More fun certainly."

"Stop it. Leave the squirrels in our yard alone. In fact, leave the squirrels for the next three or four houses alone. Actually, no squirrels. No rabbits. There are some mice out in the shed, eat those."

He pouted. "You understand that that's no fun at all?"

"I don't care. You're pissing McCoy off and I like him better than you." Yeah, I know, it was a terrible thing to say but you haven't been here, you have no idea what he's been like these past few months.

Tangential to all of this, let me bring you up to date on some other things. For Christmas, as a sort of impulse present for myself from Entertainment Earth, I got a mini-bust of Samwise Gamgee in his orc armor as well as a couple of other Black Friday deal things. Come on, they were like 80% off! I am the reason stores have sales, I really am. Anyway, Sam has been sitting on the edge of my desk, helping me with my homeworks and in general being a voice of reason in my ever maddening world.

"He only wants yer love, Mistress Heroine."

"Who? Edward?"

"Ay, he just wants you to like him."

"Well if he quits killing small, adorable animals I'd like him quite well."

Sam just harrumphed to himself and went back to polishing his sword. Not that way, you sicko. His actual giant orc swor.... oh I give up. Yes, he decided to do very naughty things. Are you happy?

The next few days went by in a blur of snow and tests, Valentine's came and went... all seemed to be going well. I was in the bedroom, reading a book Jessica sent me (I love you.) and generally trying to veg out a bit after my hard week.

Have you ever heard a horse scream? A pony? It is the most terrifying and heart-rending noise you could ever imagine. Now imagine it on the tiniest and most adorable scale your mind can comprehend.

I flew from my repose, gentle reader, but I didn't know where to go. The noise could have come from anywhere. I glanced about helplessly until I heard a muttering voice: "What have I done? Like candy? Delicious wrong candy? Melted in my mouth... what have I done?"

"Oh. My. God! What happened?"

From his vantage on the desk, Sam filled me in. McCoy was busy tending his patient and Edward... well, Edward was pretty far gone. "He bit her. Ate her all up."

"WHAT!?"

"Edward. He ate Moonshine. Tore into her like she was a nothing."

"EDWARD!"

"Like a bag of skittles, sweet sweet skittles. Oh god, oh god."

Well he was going to be useless. I knelt down next to McCoy where he had set up a triage table with Moonshine on it. "Is she...?"

"She's dead Heroine. I don't know how it worked, but it's like he sucked the life force right out of her." He glared over at the killer, "I told you he was dangerous."

I sat back and groaned. Moonshine was a gorgeous, bright pony with her whole life ahead of her. "Can't you- can't you do anything for her?"

"I'm a doctor, not a tinker. Whatever it was that made her... alive is gone now." He stood up, grabbing his phaser and I knew what was going to come next. I grabbed Edward quickly and went back to the bedroom.

I shut the door and set him on the bed. "What is the matter with you?"

"So hungry. Can't eat squirrels. Can't eat rabbits. Mice all gone... what to eat. Pretty pony, prancing pony. Tastes like rainbows..."


You are kidding me right? This is my fault? I didn't know! I swear it. I mean, yeah I knew mice were small and that after a while they'd probably run out - but I figured he'd come back and, I don't know, tell me when this happened. We would have found something for him. Maybe I'd have let up my squirrel ban.

Edward was in no condition to speak for himself, and not knowing what else to do I wrapped him back up in his box. We discovered last time this puts him into a kind of sleep mode. I went back into the study.

"You should just get rid of him. He's a damn menace."



"I know," I said, sitting down on the floor near the remains of poor Moonshine. "I know."

That happened last weekend, Edward has been in the closet since then (I'm resiting the urge to make an "In the closet" joke because these are grief-filled and trying times) awaiting my final decision on his fate. I think I might have to put him in his box for good. I don't know what else to do, honestly. McCoy keeps threatening to rip his head off and.... SWEET MARY MOTHER OF GOD.


Oh Jesus, a Vampony? Really? Is this what my life has come to? Red-eyed, tiny-fanged vamponies?

I don't even... I can't... I'm going to just go be elsewhere for awhile, okay?

Who are these people?

While on my Christmas vacation my family and I played quite a bit of wii. We can't play as a team, there is far too much yelling and accusations on even the simplest sports, and god forbid you bring something like doubles tennis into it. But we do quite well with individual effort.

So imagine a fine, California afternoon. It's a balmy seventy outside, and geeks that we are we're inside playing wii hundred pin bowling, the most satisfying game ever invented. If you haven't heard the cacophony a hundred pins make when connect with a bowling ball you have not lived.

It's my turn, I have a split. The pins are easily ten feet apart. So I concoct a plan that involves bouncing my ball off the bumpers to make a billiards-type move to get both. I get ready, get set, and....

What the Hell?


Dude, is that Voldemort? And a Stormtrooper?

They totally made me flub my shot, by the way. Then, of course, no one believed me. Also, it appears it's not the same crowd every time either. While I was waiting for He Who Shall Not be Named to come around again, I also saw...


A ninja. Dude, it's a ninja! Also, some total dork there in the front, but a ninja. I don't know who the guy with what looks like a dude standing on his sunglasses is, but I'm sure if I were a better geek I would recognize him instantly.

Also, in the back of the other side...


It's the Joker! And some guy from KISS.

At this point, the game pretty much devolved into trying to find all the hidden miis.

In the end we found these guys...


But also a hamburger...
And Billy Mays!


GO BUY A WII! <---- To be read in a Billy Mays voice.

Leaning Tower

Is it time for another optical illusion? I think it is!


Believe it or not... that is the same image twice. No, really. I'll wait while you go to photoshop or gimp or your image software of choice. Or, you can just blink really fast - it'll trick your brain. Totally. I'm not even there to watch you, what makes you think I'm messing with you?

The explanation, as near as I can tell, is that your brain sees the image as one scene. Thus, the tower on the left is used as a point of reference for the vertical of the tower on the right. The result is that the image on the right seems to be significantly more skewed than the image on the left.

Neat.

(Thanks to The Thinking Blog for the heads-up.)

(Who tried the blinking thing? It totally worked didn't it?)

The Best Letter Ever

Today, I received the most amazing letter of my life. Seriously. My acceptance letter from Hogwarts comes in a distant second.... a distant second.

The letter in question is from the Republican National Committee. No, I'm not a Republican. I urge you, no I command you to click on these images and read the full thing.


I was laughing so hard I was crying by the fourth "paragraph". I mean, I was lying across the table clutching the pages in my hand with tears streaming. I have never been so profoundly entreated before in my life. I shall not, Mr Chairman "desert my Party, and walk away from my conservative principles." Also, does everyone capitalize 'Party'? 'Cause I find that a little 1984.

Please stick with me... this letter gets so much better.



So apparently, there is non-stop, swooning coverage of Obama by the ultra-biased media. (If you didn't read it, let me inform you that is almost word for word what the second "paragraph" says.) Who are these media people? I know that the media gives him some leeway, but they do the same for every new president. Political parties Parties have very short memories it seems. I recall quite clearly the first seven months or so of the W administration, do you?

Wherever that non-stop, swooning channel is, I want to find it so I can run it 24-7.


Oh yeah, this is the page where the RNC accuses the Democrats of having "an agenda that is dictated by, and benefits, the special interests that bankroll their election campaigns."

...


...


BWA HA HA HA HA!


(Or on a more eloquent note... Pot? There's a Kettle on line one for you.)


No, just... no

"We have been on the defensive as the Democrats in Congress put partisan politics in front of the best interests of the nation, attacked our leaders with personal smears, and saturated the media with propaganda."

The hell? You know, there's a part of me that says: "Honestly, this letter could have come from either party if you replace Democrat with Republican and liberal with conservative," but I have a hard time believing that the Democratic party would ever put out something this puerile. Not that we're above it, but that it's way too silly and possibly offensive.


The questionnaire just pissed me off. Who worded these questions? I actually wrote next to one: "If the Democratic policies are enacted it is possible that puppies will be kicked. Do you agree with this policy of puppy-kicking? Think of the puppies." That's how badly these questions are railroading you.




I'm going to switch to the Republican Party if they regularly send out this kind of hilarity.



Uh, totally kidding about the Hogwarts letter. Yes, yes I was.

The Care and Keeping of Your Sparklepire

Guess what arrived Friday? I got myself an Edward Sparklepants Cullen.

Man, I should not be so excited about the arrival of a character I don't even like. The thing is, I don't feel like I've received 'Edward of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight'; I feel as though I've received 'Edward from Cleolinda's Secret Life of Dolls'. So in this way, I didn't get a seventeen inch tall slightly gay sparklepire, instead I got a seventeen inch tall serial killer.

So. Much. Cooler.

Look! He even comes pre-Hannibal Lectered up! It seems my totally awesome rather expensive if totally free to me doll does not come with his shoes on, and what are these things... socks? I don't know, but with them on it is impossible to put his damn shoes on. I apparently received the IKEA of Edward Sparklepants Cullen.

"I really wish you'd quit calling me that."

"What the Hell? You talk?" I can be forgiven, can't I, if I let out a girly shriek a bit? "I thought only Cleo's dolls talked. This is so not what I meant when I said I felt I was getting 'Edward from Secret Life of Dolls'. Do all of y'all talk?"

"Of course we do, but we do try to ensure we're going to improve the silence."

I glared at him a bit. "You know what? I take it back, I don't want a Cleo Edward Dollen. Can I have a Littlest Edward instead?"

"A what?"

I thought about enlightening him. The internet was right there, but honestly I don't even want to go there, I really don't. "So, uh, you have a nice trip?"

"Nothing to eat."

He eats? I got a doll that needs to eat? What half-assed manufacturing flaw was this? Am I going to have to invest in BellaBarbies? Because that shit will get old fast. Also, how creepy would that be? "Uh, are you hungry now?" Please say no, please say no...

"Starving."

I gulped, that should not have been scary. But there is a reason that the 'dolls' I do have are all in their boxes full-time. I don't exactly have pediophobia, but the idea that these human likeness are watching me is one of those feeling that you just can't talk yourself out of. It didn't help that he flashed me a grin that would have gotten him a guest spot on Criminal Minds.

I looked at my seventeen inch tall sparklepire for a long while. My seventeen inch tall serial killer sparklepire that I had been okay with until he started talking, OMG. I may have to get the Rorschach I've had my eye on (at least they'd be about the same height) just to balance out some of the crazy. Not that that's really balance, when you bring total different crazy. I suppose it's like bringing balance to the force. He was wandering across the fireplace hearth, examining the fake plants. That is, until "my" (for certain values of "my") dog came to see what my earlier squeeing was about.

His eyes flashed red for a moment, do they even do that? I need to reread Twilight (Oh Cthulhu, please don't make me). And he licked his lips, before sighing, "Off the table I presume?"

"Yes, yes, by all that is holy yes." I grabbed the dog by her collar and shunted her back out of the room. I'm not sure who would win, dog has been known to catch and devour squirrels - and lord knows those are vicious - but she would only be curious. Edward would be... hungry.

Seriously, if I'd known I would have asked for the sunglasses or the Entertainment Earth gift certificate. I don't know. Not this. GeekGirlDiva should have given me a goram warning when she offered me a Tonner Edward.

I would love to say that this whole thing ended on some sort of high note with him capturing a frog or something and I don't even know what. Something. But I noticed something else... actually someone else.

"What are you doing out of your box?!"

"Dammit Heroine, are you out of your mind. Bringing one of these onto the ship?"

I buried my face in my hands, laughing in that way you do when you have, indeed, lost your mind. He had his phaser trained on the sparklepire. I'm not sure what nadion particles would even do to Edward Sparklepants Cullen's glistening marble skin. Hell, the thing might not even work at all, but having been appropriately briefed through my Secret Life of Dolls readings, I knew for sure that ESC could read McCoy's mind and would avoid any and all attacks coming his way.

I very gently took the good doctor's phaser away; honestly, he wasn't that good a shot even if he turned out to be better than his movie/TV counterpart. Disgruntled (is he ever any other way?) he settled for scanning Edward with his tricorder.

"I suppose I can't eat him either?"

McCoy's hand tightened on the tricorder, "Try it you pixie-skinned débutante."

"No, no. Both of you calm the hell down." I was keeping a careful eye on Mr. Sparklepants. McCoy was definitely more volatile, but Edward was by far the more dangerous. I should have known better, I read nine million pages of Edward waging psychological warfare on Bella, violence would not be his first port of call.

"You were never his first friend you know," he said to my Starfleeter, "always playing second fiddle."

Oh burn, man! That was a low blow, and one I could not let pass. I picked him up by the scruff of his... well, actually, it was the neck of his coat. "No sir, we do not go there." I thought for a moment about what to do with him. "Okay, you are obviously not fit for polite company just yet. You can go back in you nice black box and we'll work on your manners later."

He grumbled a bit as a settled him back in his box. I did seriously consider tying him back down with the twist-ties, but I wasn't entirely certain he'd be still for it. Also, if it turns out he can overpower me, I'd rather we find it out sometime other than his first day home.

"You know," McCoy said to me speculatively as I put the box up on the mantle, away from the inquisitive teeth of the dog, "the fireplace is right there. No reason we couldn't have a sparklepyre..."

For the love of all that is holy in this world, I do not need this in my life right now.

Thanks Cleolinda, for the use of you SLOD format! Yes I did ask her, on Twitter, it seemed appropriate.