Looper

Soo... I saw Looper last weekend and I've spent this weekend thinking about it and what my feelings are.

First off, there's a moment early on when you first see Joseph Gordon-Levitt in his Bruce Willis make-up where part of you genuinely freaks out a little and it's very uncanny valley. When I first saw the trailers I had the same reaction. But after a little bit you start to see the little smirks and eyebrow raises (at one point JGL checks his hairline in a mirror and I started giggling uncontrollably for about five minutes). After a little bit I was more enthralled with how well Gordon-Levitt plays Bruce Willis. And in the end he's as much playing Willis as he is playing the Looper character. He is supremely believable in the role and I totally bought the younger/older version of one person way more than I have in other movies.

So onto the plot which is more straight-forward than it seems. There are a group of Hitmen known as 'Loopers'. They sign up for a big paycheck in the present to kill people sent back from the future. They get their payout when they kill their Future-Self. Present-Person gets 30 years of fine living until their loop runs out and they get sent back to be killed by their younger self. In Looper, Future-Joe makes a run for it instead of waiting to be shot by his Present-Self. He goes on a quest to prevent some terrible things in the future, causing Present-Joe to have to chase him.

And that's all I want to say before I get into the serious spoilers I'm going to go into below.

There's an interesting question here that if someone gets hit by a bus 20 years in the future does their Present-Self have to work as a Looper that whole 20 years? They only get to quit when their loop closes so if their loop doesn't close do they have to work forever? Or does the Future-Mob send a note back on someone?

There is a great side-bit part played by Jeff Daniels that is absolutely fantastic but I don't want to give any of him away.

I walked out of this movie with mixed feelings (mainly because of the ending) but the more I think on it the more I just absolutely love it. The movie take a subject that any two geeks can argue for days about and presents it in a way that has a logical consistency to it. Which is impressive in and of itself. The human drama is okay and there are some pretty unexpected twists in there that I really enjoyed when they came around. I'm not sure it will make my list of top tem movies, but I'd definitely put it in the top 25.

I was going to mark out spoilers about my thoughts on the time-travel aspect but it's fairly long so I'm just going to put it under a cut instead. Spoilers Ahoy, click at your own risk!

Apollo 18

(I forgot to hit post on this back in Sept. My bad)

Holy shit people. At one point, with my feet in the seat and my hands over my ears I was squinting at the screen waiting for the bad thing I just knew was coming and realized that the thump-thump, thump-thump I was hearing wasn't onscreen, but my own goddamn heartbeat. My heart has not beat that hard for that long ever.

When the movie finished I think I was in legitimate medical shock. I was laughing hysterically and shaking. I couldn't take my eyes off the screen.

Holy shit.

Best
Movie
EVER.

Like many of the movie that have come out the last few years, Apollo 18 claims to be a 'found' movie - cobbled together from footage rather than actually filmed. In some cases this can be ridiculous as the production values give away the secret, no matter how much shaky-cam you have. (I'm looking at you Cloverfield). In Apollo 18 the film is scratchy, the colors occasionally over-exposed - I could actually buy into the concept that this was footage from the 1970s.

And that's what makes this movie so scary. You know it's just a movie - you're not watching some special on the History Channel (which has lost all credibility so I wouldn't have been surprised if it was), but you can believe that you are. There's no soundtrack, and the cameras are either stationary on the lunar lander or the handheld ones from the astronauts.

The scariest moments come in snippets - not when things are jumping at you - which by and large they don't. This isn't really a loud noises and bloody movie. It's noticing things moving where they shouldn't be, details and minutiae that you as the viewer are privy too but the astronauts are not. You watch it build up, over and over and over again until you're wound so tight you feel like you might just burst. And the really awful part is?

It never lets up. By the time the credits rolled I was shaking. I started laughing at myself for being so shook up, which quickly took on the edge of hysteria.

Now okay, fine, I'm not a horror movie person so this movie might have been chock full of clichés (I hear it was) of the 'found movie' genre. But since I'm not a scary movie person, they were all new and intensely terrifying to me.

I don't want to ruin a moment, I don't want you to not see it because I say something that makes it sound stupid. Go to the theatre, go rent it, watch it in a darkened room and then go outside and take a good long look into the night sky.

And your doom.

Priest

Priest takes place in a world where, due to a war with the extremely superior vampires, humanity has taken refuge in large city-state compounds where they are protected by a dominant and creepy church. A church that seems to have forgotten half of scripture - or maybe in this world the Bible reads "Let humans rule over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. Except vampires. Seriously, those guys will fuck you up." To combat the vampires, priests are created/born/magicked/summoned/trained (it's not really made clear) to fight the vampires and they do a damn good job as by the time the movie begins vampires are all but eradicted.

Enter the plot: A young girl who is related to our main character is kidnapped by vampires, including vampire Karl Urban. She is a lot more upset by this than I would be. Our hero, who doesn't have a name, sets off on an epic quest to rescue her - defying the church and picking up some help along the way. His non-spoilery help is an outland sheriff. His spoiler help is another priest, this one a woman who is desperately in love with him - one can only assume because he is Paul Bettany since he's quite clearly not interested in pursuing her in any way shape or form.

There are crazy beast-vampires, a cave troll (seriously, looked exactly like one), a vampire queen who we barely see or hear about but I was totally rooting for, human-vampires, old-west gunslinging and what-not and lots of other things happening. Despite all of these other things happening, easily 64% of the movie is this:

Someone was really proud of those motorcycles is all I'm saying. And if I can digress for a moment's not-really-spoilers nitpick: At points in the movie we see our characters on these open motorcycles going upwards of 200mph across the desert. I don't know if you've ever stuck your head out a car window (or ridden a motorcycle I suppose), but it becomes extremely difficult to breath once you hit about 60. Watch your dog sometime, he'll pull his head in around 45-50. And yet, our heroes seem to have no problems. Now, there is a scene where the pull up somewhere and take off both goggles and pull off respirators - which would explain how they manage to breath. But it's one scene in what is, dead serious, 64% of the movie. The rest of the time I kept expecting them to blackout and fall over mid-ride.

Anyway, back to the review.

On the plus side the CG was good, nothing to complain about and for the most part blended seamlessly with the movie. I would like to meet whoever did the matte-painting of the cities because they were pretty awesome. The vampires had some issues with actually being in the scene, not just comped in, but all in all the effects were enjoyable and were it not for the plot issues I'd say might be worth the money for 3D (even though it wasn't filmed in 3D and it irks me to pay an extra $6 for an often poorly rendered visual effect).

This movie had one of two major problems - and I find it hard to write about because I'm not sure which exactly it was suffering from. And the two are exact opposites. Either:

A) Priest had too many plotlines. I only cared about maybe two and the rest were boring and felt like filler. I HATED the sheriff character and wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face several times and tell him to STFU - Cam Gigandet did his best to sell the character, but he wasn't given an awful lot to work with. It should have been pared down to just Paul Bettany and Karl Urban - although the 'plot' concerning Urban's character could have been dropped too and just left him in for the pretty value. I enjoyed the character, don't get me wrong, but his motivations were never fleshed out enough to make him interesting. If they had cut everything down to just Bettany and made it into a futuristic vampire version of Taken it might have stood a chance.

B) There wasn't enough plot. I felt like there was this whole world to be explored - mysteries and intrigues and mythology that just never got touched upon. Is this story earth? Apparently not because humans and vampires have supposedly been engaged in a bloody war forever - not just recently. But if it's not earth - why the hell do they have the same bizarre church with the same bizarre mythology? Who made the priests? Why does vampiring work the way it does? How vampires work at all isn't really explained and some of the things that were said seem to contradict each other.

Somehow, defying all odds and logic to how stories work, Priest managed to stay perfectly between these two. The result of which is it had exactly the wrong amount of plot.

[Note: Okay, I know it was a comic book and thus the original source will likely answer some of my questions - but don't ever adapt something that can't stand on its own. It's like, the first rule of making an adaptation. See: Why Lord of the Rings was 10 hours long.]

[Note 2: I'm going to say right here, before I go any further, that I would LOVE to see a director's cut of this. I sincerely hope that they just cut too much out for the movie to stand up on its own. An editing mistake rather than 'this whole movie is awful' mistake.]

All props to Paul Bettany - and lord knows I love that man and I would go see anything he was in because he succeeds splendidly more times than he fails spectacularly - but this movie was just not good. And it was trying too hard to be good to be awesomely bad. Both he and Karl Urban acted their hearts out - and you could tell for sure that Urban was enjoying himself immensely - but you can give an Oscar-worthy performance in a movie and it won't change the fact that it's about Catholic Old West Vampires.

I feel like this movie should have been to vampires what Firefly was to scifi. A different take on an old formula that might have revitalized an entire genre. And maybe as a comic book it was. But as a movie, Priest lacks the charm to be endearing, the polish to be dramatic, and the cajones to be scary. All in all, it failed as a movie at the most basic levels.

With all the love in my heart for Mr Bettany and Mr Urban, I wish I had my $9 back.

Christmas Topper

I have a teensy, weensy problem...

I have nothing to grace the top of my tree.

*sadface*

In years past, I've put a gold and red star but I hung it in my office this year. I was never thrilled with it anyway, although it's gorgeous. When a tree includes a T-Rex, penguins and Commander Data it seems a bit of a cop-out to put a star at the top.

So this year I'm thinking about putting something special, something awesome. One of these guys...

For the record, that's a Rorschach {Watchmen}, Doctor McCoy {Star Trek}, Edward {Twilight} {Don't judge me}, and a plushie Batman {really?}. There are Pros and Cons for each:

Rorschach Pros: It would tie him up, keeping him from causing mischief, and generally (hopefully) keep him from setting the tree on fire like he's been threatening.
Rorschach Cons: I wouldn't put it past him to set the tree on fire even/especially when tied to it. Also, I'll have to listen to him bitch every time I go near it.

McCoy Pros: As a Star Trek fan it seems only logical, he's also by far the prettiest of the three, his blue uniform will go well with the color of my other ornaments.
McCoy Cons: He's kind of (excuse me for saying it) boring. He'd also be about three inches from my rather large Data ornament and for whatever reason they don't like each other much.

Edward Pros: Creepy Edward would be stuck to the tree, and not watching me while I sleep. It would amuse McCoy and Rorschach to no end. He's the best candidate for 'angel'.
Edward Cons: Anyone who came over would know my shame in owning him, and may not get the funny - instead thinking I'm a crazy twihard.

Batman Pros: He's adorable, he's also blue, he would enjoy a chance to be the 'Guardian of the Tree.'
Batman Cons: He's kind of small and I've had my eye on a Batman ornament and I'm not sure I'd want both on the tree. Seems like overkill. Also, he's kind of small.

So there's a poll in the sidebar... help me out here. Who do you think is the best/funniest/most awesome tree topper I could use?

I wish I had a Starbuck, she'd be the perfect 'angel' for my tree. If I find one, this poll will become absolutely moot.

I Love Ray Bradbury

And so does this girl.

Totally, totally not safe for work. In fact, I'm not entirely sure the embed is safe for work.



And I don't give a damn whether or not you consider Ray Bradbury to be a science fiction writer, he wrote a great many stories that are science fiction - even he admits to it - and most of the ones she alludes to fall in that category.

A very Hobbity Birthday to you!

It is a time-honored tradition here in the Shire that one gives birthday presents on one's birthday, rather than receive them. In that spirit, I am going to give out some gifts to my online friends who may or may not want them.

Simply comment on this post or @nerdheroine a 'Happy Birthday' before midnight (CST) on February 20th and I will spend part of my birthday (the 21st) handing out presents. I'll send you a DM or email as applicable to arrange shipping. Sound good?

This is ONLY open to people currently following me on twitter and people who read my blog. Please don't RT this, I know exactly who my last follower was (because I just wrote it down) and I have a fair idea of who reads this blog. This is a just a thank you for being around and being funny/interesting folk these past six months or so.

So what are the prizes? Mostly things I have around the house I somehow manage to have two of. All are brand new, I just have two (or more) of them due to a series of bizarre circumstances. Did you know I got four copies of Star Trek for Christmas? Yeah, like that. Let's see...





Star Trek (2009)










Chew "Taster's Choice" - includes Chew Issues #1-5









Darwin's "I think" journal entry from the Museum of Natural History, London (poster/print, approx 50x70cm)

One box of mystery and excitement. A miscellany things too small to offer on their own. Includes but is not limited to cards, comics, pins, figurines and/or books.



So if you think you might like to have any of the above drop me a tweet on twitter, or a comment below.

Happy Birthday to me!

Our Independence Day

Okay, so it's not necessarily a "real" speech that brings me to tears. Also, certain rousing movie speeches have been known to make me tear up a bit and start talking about how dusty it is in the room.

This is the rousing speech given by the President to inspire the troops in the 1996 film Independence Day.

Our Independence Day

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

Avatar

Subtitle: Shut up io9

(A review of the movie and a review of what people think the movie represents socially)

I find it impossible to separate Avatar from the hype surrounding it. I blame the promo monkeys who promised me the world would never be the same again. As such, while I found the movie entertaining on many levels, I can't honestly say whether it was a good movie or not. I was entertained, so let's just go with that for the moment.

Curse you internets!

Basic plot is as such: there is a beautiful planet discovered (actually a moon, but I'm not gonna quibble here) which has a source of very valuable energy known as unobtanium*. Mining of macguffinium is going swell until indigenous peoples (the Na'vi) begin to interfere - what with their living and playing and being generally intrusive into the places the humans want to strip mine. As a way to communicate with the indigenous people, the humans create Na'vi avatars that their scientists can download into and do their best to convince the Na'vi to leave a home that they have populated for thousands if not millions of years.

*It is my honest belief that a screenwriter used unobtanium as a placeholder. As in 'The humans are mining for unobtanium (be sure to replace with something better!)' and a studio exec refused to let them change it once the project was greenlit.

Our hero is an avatar driver who takes the place of his dead identical twin brother. After meeting the Na'vi he becomes a warrior complete with dragon-birdie as his steed. He falls for the chief's daughter and leads the attack when, to no one's surprise, the humans get gun-happy and start destroying ancient homeland in their quest for nocanhazium. An epic battle between humans and Na'vi ensues with our hero on the greatest dragon-birdie of them all while his girlfriend/wife gets to ride a velocikitty.

Notice that at no point did I feel the need to include the fact that our hero's human form is wheelchair-bound since, other than providing an initial reason for him to enjoy being in his avatar, it is completely extraneous to the plot. So why is this presented as a plot point? I don't know, I'll wait for the deleted scenes before passing judgment.

(Also, I don't know how much of Neytiri's vocalization was Zoe Saldana and how much was sound editing, but she really shouldered the burden on making the Na'vi a truly alien race not just in appearance but in movement and sound as well. So props to her for that.)

Pandora (the monet/planoon in question) is visually stunning. If you are one of the seven people who have yet to go, do see it in 3D, you will not get the full effect otherwise. Soaring canopies and beautiful flowers create a backdrop that at times I found myself focusing on more than the actors. The animals are exotic enough to be alien, but recognizable as being a believable lifeform. The blacklighting/glowing seemed a little overboard, but then again I don't live somewhere where native wildlfie lights up the night (lightningbugs, glowing algae and whatnot). If I did, I think I would have been less distracted by the glow-in-the-dark forest.

As for the CGI, it beat every other computer animated movie for a hundred miles with a failstick. It is completely seamless and I found myself wondering if some of the human scenes were CGI as they were identical to the Na'vi scenes. I'm kinda bummed that this movie came out this year as it will likely sweep the technical awards at the oscars and I feel a little sad for Star Trek which had some amazing graphics, but not in the same league as Avatar.

Overall, a visually amazing film with more focus on CGI than plot - but if you've enjoy a summer blockbuster or two in your time, you'll enjoy Avatar.

Now, on to the second half for those who are interested in message and theme and what-not. There has been a lot of noise on the internets about racism and race implication in Avatar and io9 (normally so good) ran an article by Annalee Newitz titled "When will white people quit making movies like "Avatar"?" and at it's basic level, wonders why us white folk continue to make movies where we save aboriginals from things they are apparently too dumb to save themselves. It cited such movies as Dancing with Wolves and The Last Samurai as examples of the white hero going native so that he can become chief and save the people he was sent to kill/convert/whatever.

I went into Avatar with this article in mind, also Geek Girl Diva's piece "Racism in Avatar? My response to io9" which is worth a read and sees the movie as being made from a standpoint of technology vs the little guy. Here's where I jump in, although I tend more to lean towards Geek Girl's Diva interpretation of Avatar, I can look at it from Newitz's point of view and still say you're full of wrong.

Yes, these movies have a common theme, but look at them together. In Dances with Wolves John Dunbar turns his back on his culture to be assimilated by the Natives and eventually use his knowledge of his people to fight against them. In The Last Samurai Nathan Algren is assimilated into Japanese samurai culture where he then uses his experiences as an army captain to fight against his own people. Avatar... I ain't singin' this tune again.

The 'white fantasy' as Newitz calls it, isn't that at all. The common theme here isn't that a white person will instantly become the most awesome member of the group (although that is often the case in these movies) it's a reimagining where, had someone been willing to level the playing field, maybe things would have turned out different. And that's what Dunbar, Algren, and indeed our blue-skinned hero are. They are anti-histories, what would have happened if - and do so while trying to live withing established history (I'm looking at you Inglorious Basterds). I feel I should note that in the two cited cases, it is clearly stated that the culture our white folks are hoping to save was ultimately destroyed. One can assume that the same will eventually happen to the Na'vi as the are blitzed from the air by future mining expeditions.

What we can take away is this: Us white folk like to make movies about level playing fields. If the indigenous people we've treated so poorly in the past had had access to the tactical knowledge and/or weapons that we had, would we still have won? We like an underdog, and we want them to win. So we re-write history so they do. It's not meant to pander to our guilt, but to allow us to hope for the future, when perhaps we will be the ones in danger from above.

In conclusion: shut up io9.

Data is my homie

Kind of a drive-by blog post for anyone who doesn't follow my Twitter.

Everyone needs a friend like Data.

Also, a Death Star wedding cake.

V

V was made to be loved by me. It has Juliet from Lost, Wash from firefly, and to make things even more awesome Inara from firefly. ABC is where firefly castmembers go to die. Or, you know, find new jobs...

The show opens by introducing the principal characters. Erica! the single mom. Tyler! her no-good V-loving son. Father Jack! the cool religious guy. Ryan! the token black guy. Dale! Erica's partner (also, Alan Tudyk so totally hot). Oh, and Anna! the scary as hell alien chick, but we don't meet her until the next paragraph.

As these people are going about their character defining activities, spaceships begin to Independence Day their way across the major cities of the world. Then scary as hell Anna appears to reassure everyone that despite the last 100 or so years of science fiction we have been reading, the aliens are, in fact, of peace. Always.

The thing is, it was pretty obvious how things were going to go here. When I saw the preview last week I tweeted...

Preview for 'V' giving me 'To Serve Man' flashbacks. http://abc.go.com/shows/v/

And I have to give the writers props here. They didn't try and drag it out. By the end of the first episode there is no guess work or hunches about it, the V are bad news. No Alan Tudyk! Why did you have to die? Also, just for the record, if you ever did time on firefly you will turn out to be an alien. Just throwing that out there.

Yes, yes, I know this is a remake of an 80s series. Yes, I know that I could go read about it and see how things go. In fact, I'd imagine the Television Without Pity forums are full of spoilers.

But I don't want to. I missed out on following FlashForward because I was in London, I believe V will be my Lost replacement.

Memories of the Future: Volume One

Wil Wheaton
Grade: B+/C-

I have a real problem with Wil Wheaton. I like his work in principle, but the execution always leaves me wanting (see my Sunken Treasures review for example). Memories of the Future was no different. I really really wanted to love this book. Like, really. I wanted to love it like cake and buy copies for all my geek friends for Christmas.

The proper place to begin, is of course the beginning so let’s back up a bit. Memories of the Future is, for lack of a better term, an episode guide for Star Trek: The Next Generation (which I do love like cake – chocolatey, yummy cake). Each episode is broken down into: Summary, Quotable Dialogue, Obligatory Technobabble, Behind the Scenes Memory, The Bottom Line, and a Final Grade. The summaries are not meant to be scene by scene episode details, but rather if you were sitting with a few buddies doing a running commentary of the show.

I will give Wheaton this, the summaries of the episodes are, by and large, hilarious. Wheaton really shines when he is taking the piss out of himself, and while this could have easily devolved into Wheaton pointing fingers and saying “What an idot!”, he instead treats his fellow actors and crew-members with a great deal of respect. Unfortunately, in order to honor them, he sometimes loses opportunities for humor – a trade-off I can both understand and support. It’s better to not be funny than to be funny at your friends and colleagues expense. With that said, a mention of a particular first officer walking into a turbolift door when it did not open as he thought it would, awesome.

What I wanted from this was a book about Star Trek written by someone who lived the on-set experiences. I wanted a Star Trek book that only that person could have written. Instead, Memories of the Future reads for the most part as though any person with a background in on-set politics could have written it. The Behind the Scenes sections are quite short, and as they were one of the reasons I bought the book to begin with, I was a quite disappointed. It felt like the Behind the Scenes sections were an afterthought, added in when someone editing the book pointed out it needed a little something to make it more Wheaton’s.

What it boils down to is I continuously feel that I am not getting what I paid for with Wheaton’s books. I understand that Wheaton is a self-published author and that’s how he does his thing, but if I had bought Memories of the Future as a paperback and not as a PDF I would have been pissed off beyond all measure. Twenty bucks for a paperback that’s less than 150 pages? That’s just plain silly. I also think that he should have released the first volume as the whole of season one. Assuming he finishes the entire series, we’re talking fourteen books in total. I can say that if all of season one had been in Memories of the Future Volume One I would not have anywhere near as many complaints as I do. I suppose it deserves two grades, what the book contained and what my expectations of it were (the book grade has been revised for this).

Again, back to my first paragraph, I really want to like Wheaton as an author but if he continues to disappoint me like this I’m going to have to... oh who am I kidding? A Star Trek book written by a Star Trek castmember? I’m going to buy it no matter what.

Do as I say kids, not as I do.

Die Science Fiction, Die!

(I don't mean it, come back!)

So some idiot on the internet (I know, narrow it down a bit why don't I?) has gotten it into his pretty little head that woman have ruined science fiction. It was so idiotic in fact that I won't even link to it. It's all over the interwebs, you can find it if you really want to.

The main thrust of the article is that science fiction, by attempting to appeal to more females in their audience, has lost the plot entirely.

I love Scifi, if my profile picture doesn't clue you in (and, yes, that is my neck and it is permanent), then let me say that I have made special efforts to see Ray Bradbury speak on more than one occasion and just spent a ridiculous amount of money to ship my Asimov and Adams across the Atlantic Ocean. I watch Star Trek (all incarnations), Battlestar Galactica, and Firefly. I just abandoned six years of work and waiting to do a degree in Physics. What's wrong with the womenfolk invading Scifi?

The Battlestar Galactica rant was, I have to admit, kind of fantastic. It had women in roles of power making decisions that the men were struggling with. And they turned Starbuck into a woman! Oh. Em. Gee! He even quotes the ridiculous Dirk Benedict article lamenting that they turned his swashbuckling Starbuck into a Stardoe. Get over yourself. The only thing the least bit feminine about the newly re-incarnated Starbuck was that she had tits. That's what made her so awesome. Also, having seen both the new Battlestar and the older one, Stardoe is by far more interesting and better played than your Starbuck. Sorry. I would imagine that having hot chicks like Starbuck, Roslin, and every female Cylon (you know it's true) running about probably brought a great deal more boys into the Scifi fold. It's not just bespeckled men in lab coats blowing things up! It's hot women in lab coats blowing things up! Yay!

But it is the ending that really grabs my goat.

"As we know science fiction has inspired boys to pursue careers in science, engineering, and technology as men. With women killing science fiction on television, the current generation of boys won’t have this opportunity to be inspired to work in these fields. There is still a great deal of written science fiction that is real science fiction so all is not lost. However, many boys who would have gone on to make scientific discoveries and invent new technologies will not do so since they will never be inspired by science fiction as boys."

I'm sorry, boys, that you find it so difficult to be inspired by the male based comic books, movies and TV shows featuring Summer Glau that cater especially to your prurient interests. I suppose the slew of women who will flock into this field (including myself) will just have to pick up the slack.

Honestly, if you don't want us in there with you, you can go play in some other sandbox. I hear Westerns are dying off, they could use an influx of whiny, self-obsessed crybabies.

*I love the description of slash by the way, "[s]lash fiction is a form of fan fiction written primarily by women where characters in science fiction TV shows are gay and have homosexual relationships completely contrary to the established canon of the show." Hate to break it to you buddy, but slash isn't limited to science fiction shows.

Death Star... Never Forget

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Okay, so I found this very very funny. I'm totally awesome like that. It's been enough time to parody a bit - even if outright comedy is still taboo.

Death From the Skies!

Philip Plait, PhD
Grade: A

Death from the Skies! Oh sweet Lord, we're all gonna die. How?, you might be asking. The answer is easier if you ask, What in the universe is not trying to kill us? The answer is nothing, nothing wants us to live; everything in the universe is out to get us.

I repeat, we're all gonna die.

(Here’s what I took from each chapter, these are by no means meant to be summaries. The ratings express in general how terrifying I find being around for it to be. It’s a scale of 1-5)

Target Earth: Asteroid and Comet Impacts

Apophis. I want you to go write that name down right this minute. Why? Because on April 13 2029, Friday the 13^th and I am so not making that up, Apophis will pass closer to earth than some of our satellites. That’s right, Apophis may get closer than the T-Mobile satellite powering your future wrist-phone. And while it may miss us this time around, if it passes through the wrong spot, it will most certainly hit us in 2036. That’s nine years to try and move a rock big enough to basically set the planet on fire. Yay.

This was my favourite chapter as it was the easiest to actually wrap your mind around. B612 Foundation: I can haz Science? Also, thanks for the “There’s not even enough time to worry” there Dr Plait, I think I shall begin right this minute. Put that in your metaphorical pipe and smoke it.

Paragraph of Dissension: When did an asteroid/comet hit become the accepted theory for dinosaur extinction? Back when I was studying on dinosaurs there was still a lot of disagreement over what caused what and when. Now I turn around and everywhere is all “Yeah, dinosaurs got knocked off* by an asteroid, where have you been?” I’ve been doing very important things! Also, admittedly, the last time I was really into dinosaurs was when Jurassic Park came out so that’s nearly twenty years. I concede that a lot can happen in that time.

*Please note that getting knocked off by an asteroid is totally different than getting knocked up by an asteroid.

Sunburn

So “death” by sunburn isn’t so much death by sunburn as it is “total collapse of the world’s economies and perhaps even civilisation” by sunburn. Strangely, in light of later chapters I found this oddly comforting. The wave of radiation from the sun would be mildly annoying here on earth. At the ISS we get the Fantastic 7 – yeah, you know that bit at the beginning of Fantastic 4 before things got interesting, that’s pretty much what would happen to the ISS crew. Only quite likely way less cool. The crew actually have a special place they hide to avoid getting mutant powers. This is why I could never be an astronaut.

Actually, a solar phenomenon is what brought down SkyLab (I’d mark this as “Things I did not know” but that list grew extensively during this book), the solar flare caused the earth’s atmosphere to puff up then drag it down. One can only presume it happened in slo-mo while SkyLab’s partner screamed “Nooooo!”.

He also brings up a good point. I remember all through school learning that Sol was only an “average sun”. Not huge, not tiny, just kind of there. Dude, even an “average” sun is a pretty freaking awesome sun.

FYI: Looking at the sun with the naked eye = not as bad as people have been telling you. I’ve done it while watching a sunrise (although admittedly, the sunlight is going through a lot more atmosphere then and not quite so bad for you). Look at the sun directly through any kind of helpful magnifying equipment = boil the fluid in your eyeball. Let’s not do that, kay?

The Stellar Fury of Supernovae

The awesomeness of this is somewhat tempered by the fact that it is really unlikely to happen to us. Here in our solar system. That’s not to say we might not go exploring at some point in our future and be very very unlucky.

Also learned that all the elements as we know them had their start in supernovae. That’s kind of cool. Also, also learned that supernovae is the plural of supernova. Even my spell-checker recognises it.

Cosmic Blowtorches: Gamma-Ray Bursts

Aw shit. I don’t care how “unlikely” Plait says this is, next to black holes *shudder* this is the absolute scariest thing I can imagine happening. Later chapters are pretty scary, but totally mind-boggling and as such, don’t carry the same shazam! Also, massive stars, black holes, twin beams of death, this is totally how they should have destroyed Romulus. Supernova, shmupernova.

We’re talking about an event occuring 100 light years away. A place so far away it takes light, something that travels so fast it took us thousands of years to notice it travelled at all, 100 years to get here. And that event is powerful enough heat roast you and instantly destroy our ozone layer. Three cheers for gamma-ray bursts! May you always be so terrifying.

The Bottomless Pits of Black Holes

ad infinitum

Just go read this chapter. If you’re too tight on money to buy it, see if you can convince Amazon to help you out with the ‘Look Inside’ feature. Note: spaghettification may be my new favourite word. Also note: I’ve had black hole based nightmares for the last three days.

This did cause me to think of two questions:

1. Can planets orbit a small black hole? I know that galaxies can (and do) but it seems that with a sufficient source of matter to feed the black hole, a planet could conceivably orbit it as one might a star. Since the black hole will be giving of light, this planet could also conceivably support life. This would have the added benefit of making it the coolest form(s) of life ever, and the winner of every ‘rough childhood’ storytelling game for all time.

2. Could a sufficiently large star swallow a sufficiently small black hole? It seems that this should be possible, but given the nature of black holes may be a total nonsensical statement. If it is, I apologise – but then again, can a black hole cannibalise another black hole? What happens when two black holes meet?

I totally should have gone into astronomy. Stupid archaeobotany.

Alien Attack!

Plait makes much of, if there is suitably intelligent life out there, theory states that we should have met them by now. Sure, but maybe we’re the first to advance to this stage. Also, given the Drake Equation (which he doesn’t explain, maybe he just assumes everyone is familiar with it. I was, but I’m special like that) it’s quite likely that given the other variables, life could evolve countless times, just not in time to meet each other. Both myself and my great-great grandparents existed. But we never got to meet each other. (NOT an insinuation that alien life will be descended from earth life, or vice versa. Just an analogy. A bad one actually.)

I’m only going to leave you with this: either we are alone in the universe or we are not. Both ideas are overwhelming.

The Death of the Sun

This would be way more scary if we weren’t going to have a lot of prep time when it happens. I give it two skulls because the fact that it won’t happen in my lifetime is balanced out by how pants-wettingly terrifying it would be if it did.

Bright Lights, Big Galaxy

That black hole sitting at the center of our galaxy? Worrisome. That black hole sitting at the middle of the Andromeda galaxy? You know, the one that will one day merge with ours in an apocalyptic scenario that makes me weep? WTF? We’re gonna get eaten by another galaxy? The Milky Way is going to eat another galaxy? Either way, I’m very disappointed in you Milky Way. Eating your own kind... bad galaxy, bad.

The End of Everything

?

I could not wrap my head completely around this chapter. Moments of lucidity were punctuated by the knowledge that I had no grasp whatsoever of the scale of what was eventually going to happen. That’s how the universe is supposed to work. I do however, love Plait’s venturing that we might get an ‘infinite do-over’. Was that meant to be reassuring?

What, Me Worry?

I harbour a fantasy where I had gone into astronomy or astrophysics or some other ‘astro’ related field. In my fantasy, I spend a lot of time looking at stars, doing math and discovering heretofore unknown laws of the universe. Yes, in my fantasy I am Albert Einstein. What I did not imagine was that I would spend any portion of time contemplating doomsday scenarios and worrying about being hit by a giant rock.

Part of me wants to move to another planet. This will not, however, solve the problem of black holes, gamma ray bursts, supernovae, asteroids, or well virtually anything. In fact, moving may in fact increase my risks. So I shall stay here on earth and keep an eye to the heavens. When the day comes, I shall be aware... not that I can do much about it...

District 9

Drug my dad to see District 9. Explained it as ‘aliens land and are put in concentration camps’ which is just about all I knew about it. I started following the early viral sites: Multinational United, D-9, Maths From Outer Space, MNU Spreads Lies - but not with any kind of regularity.

I saw Wolverine last May, which despite what other reviews say was not a total waste of time, and before it was the preview for what at the time I described as a strange and fascinating little movie. That is totally what District 9 is, this completely bizarre movie that will leave you both enraptured and confused. It’s this year’s Cloverfield.

Not-So-Quick Summary: Twenty years ago a large alien spaceship arrived on earth and settled over Johannesburg. After a few months of nothing happening, humans finally broke into the ship to discover about a million aliens in a cargo bay malnourished and maybe a little crazy. After spending some time helping the aliens, deemed ‘prawns’ for slang, the alien camp is turned over to Multi National United. MNU is a private corporation, weapons manufacturer and mercenary distributor. On the plus side, we cannot use alien technology. On the downside, shit is about to hit the fan.

Wikus van der Merwe works for MNU. Wikus has put in charge of alerting the prawns that they are being moved from District 9 away from the city to District 10. Wikus van der Merwe is not the brightest bulb on the porch. Finding alien technology, he sprays himself in the face. Rather than immediately knocking him out (which would have been hilarious at that point), it slowly begins to change him into an alien. MNU is at first not pleased, until they discover he can use the alien technology. Wikus solicits an alien(who has the best alien name ever)’s help to get himself un-aliened; but the prawn wants to get to his ship so he can go home and then rescue his people on earth.

Shit, it is going down. Loudly.

Here’s the thing. There is not a doubt in my mind that if a group of aliens showed up on earth lacking in some sort of defensive capability that would stop us – we would totally do exactly this to them. Relegate them to second class citizen status and experiment on them. Humans, by and large, are nasty, brutish creatures. Honest, I do believe that at the edge of our solar system there is a little flashing beacon warning ‘Abandon Hope all ye who enter here.’ And if there’s not, there should be. In fact, while I expected to argue this point with my dad on the way out, he was there before me.

I will say this, the third act, while engaging, devolved into thirty minutes of people exploding, losing limbs, or dying in otherwise horrific ways. I’m telling you, shit is going down. In my perfect movie, they would have left a lot of that out and focussed more on what (if anything) are the repercussions of the ending. As it is, while several Very Important Things happen, we have no closure. No way of knowing if it was all for a purpose or nor naught.

I enjoyed the movie immensely. It was no Star Trek to make me go back half a dozen times, but I will probably try to see it at least once more before it leaves the theatres. I’d say it is easily the best alien movie in years, maybe since Independence Day. But ID was never really about the aliens, it was about humanity. I’d go so far back as ET on comparable movies – although the theme and message of this one is quite different.

You will be assimilated

[Before anyone says anything: yes I have a lot of time on my hands. I work swing shift, so on my days off, I have very little to do between about 2am and 5 or so when I go to bed.]

I began a project back in May. I say began, I bought the materials for a project back in May, actually started it in June and finished it last Friday. Even that’s misleading. I began and finished my end of the project one week at then end of June, I then had to wait for help with the laser which didn’t get finished until late July.

What’s that? Yeah, there’s a laser involved. Did I mention that this project was awesome?

Meet 2 of 3.

He’s a little shy around strangers, enjoys warm fires, puppies, assimilating lower life forms, and pasta. Also, he’s a Teddy Borg.

Resistance is futile.

Making a Teddy Borg is not as easy as one might seem, nor is the going unfraught with peril.

But with a few feet of black vinyl, some cord, a willingness to dismantle a laser pointer and a guinea-bear you too could have your very own Teddy Borg.

(Note: I do know that some students at MIT made one with a wireless connection that was pretty cool; but I don’t attend MIT. In fact, I took off three years between school and grad school. Techno-geek I am not. This bear was made to the best of my abilities and it does rather rawk. Actually, to the best of my abilities and I could rather have made it wireless if I’d really wanted. But seriously, is it not creepy enough as it is? Can you imagine if you could turn it on from half a world away?)

So some directions, should you desire a Teddy Borg of your very own:

Easiest way to make the suit, hands down, is to open up the back of the bear, pull out his stuffing, and turn him inside out. This will make you feel like a very bad person. From there, you can see the edges of the panels needed and can create a pattern. I went through a few different incarnations of the suit before I found the one that worked.

The face, well.. I tried it two different ways. One was to pull all the stuffing out of his head and sew it that way. That’s how the finger injury above happened. This is also how 1 of 3 was made. The other way is to just use a double back loop while sewing which I can’t describe but actually works quite well. This is how 2 of 3 was made. I do believe he turned out better (and he is the one featured in the finished photos). He is the also the one gifted to The Amazing Lauren.

The laser, well... we broke a few in this process. What, we? Yes, I do not currently own a soldering iron. Of my many projects, I do not have the required tools to solder a laser. My geekitude only extends so far.

So 1 of 3 and 2 of 3 are complete. In fact, this is 2 of 3 and (future) 3 of 3 together.

They started so cute I actually felt a little bad. Only a little though.

We are the Borg, resistance is futile.