Why I love my friends/family...

Worst Case Scenario

Whenever I am trying to make a decision - usually relatively benign such as 'Should I wear this hat today? - I always ask myself the follow-up question, 'What's the worst that could happen?'

You might think that in this case it would be something like appearing on fugly.com. But no.

No matter what the decision is, my brain immediately turns to some variation on this...

People fleeing in the background, optional.

And that, kids, is why I almost never try anything new.

A Graph

A really bad joke...

A bunch of functions are sitting in a restaurant when suddenly, a crazy masked operator bursts in the door.

"I'm here to rob this place and I'm going to start differentiating all y'all if you don't leave right now!"

All the functions make a run for the door, except one sitting in a booth near the back. The operator notices this and says "Hey, didn't you hear me? I'll differentiate you til there ain't nothin' left!"

The function in the back smiles, "Go ahead, I'm e^x."

I'm laughing at you...

You know what I hate? People who tell you not to laugh at your own jokes.

Screw them. Bunch of whiny little bastards. If you're not laughing, why should anyone else?

Let me tell you something, and it's not a big secret, I think I am hysterical. I crack me up.

I talk to myself when I'm driving, quite a lot actually. Usually because the radio is off and as long as I'm talking to myself it keeps me from yelling at other drivers. Which I am also prone to do. I'm pretty sure I have some sort of automotive Tourette's.

Anyway, occasionally I'll be tooling along, conversing with myself, and say something so funny I have to pull over. I might even call someone and tell them the train of thoughts that led me to this amazing feat of comedic endeavor. Which, honestly, most people take about as well as cat stories,* that is to say with feigned interest while they do other things and mouth bad comments about you to whoever they're standing with.

I'll be sitting at home messing about on the internet and make a comment to myself that breaks me out in giggles.

No one will ever appreciate your sense of humor the same way you do, so why not take advantage of that?

It's okay to laugh at your own jokes, really.

*Dear people who own cats: no one but you and other cat owners really cares what your cats are up to. I've owned cats, I've told my fair share of "amusing" cat stories. But serious, no one cares.

Tights are not pants

Today I was on a journey through the mall. A magical time when I was to buy new shoes and was magically coerced into buying two new pairs of shoes because of a sale - and were I to not participate in this "buy one get one" phenomenon I would in fact be losing money and that's all bad.

Anyway, as I am walking through the food court at the mall I see this woman. I would not ordinarily classify a woman as young as her (20 or so to my age) as woman, normally she would be a "girl" because I'm from the South and that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. I'm using the term "woman" to clarify that this is someone who should have known better.

This woman is wearing a long shirt, as one might expect to find paired inappropriately with a pair of opaque tights. Now, I'm sure I don't need to tell you that tights are not pants, nor should they be. However, this woman had forgone to even wear the tights.

When your top covering is that short, lower coverings are no longer optional. Nightclubs get a pass, but this is the mall, in broad daylight. You are appearing in a public place - wear clothes, it's the law.

I admit it, I stared a bit. But in that way where you're trying really really hard not to look like you're staring. As soon as she came alongside of me, and thus I was out of her field of vision I did a full body recoil while mouthing "Oh. My. God."

I look up and there is a woman, sitting with two friends who were not privy to the same view. She is staring after and making exactly the same face I am. As I come alongside her I say, "Same girl?"

"Oh my god yes." She affirmed with incredulity. We shared a laugh.

Moral: If you dress like a slutty hobo in public I'm not the only person who will be judging you for it.

Bat Hard

A belated #fanficfriday because it took much time and effort and other stuff I don't really enjoy. Like all superbly strangely things in my life, this project had its roots in a conversation with @hubcomics.

I refer you back to the Battlestar Batman which may have been better. Your mileage may vary.

This is a similar iteration. I have no regrets about using Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne - he's prettier than any of the other real life actors and the cartoon/comic Wayne would have stuck out too much. Also, I got to look at Christian Bale for about three hours. Yay!

click to embiggenate

Battlestar Batman had a better punchline, but for some reason I find this one funnier. *shrug*

The Lord of the Green Lantern

Have I ever told you my theory that the Rings of Power are in fact copies of the Green Lantern Power Ring - and that the Dark Lord Sauron was for some time a Green Lantern?

No? Oh, this story is awesome.

Also, I know that the true Lord of the Rings and Green Lantern fanboys (and girls) out there are going to vilify me for this and point out a dozen inconsistencies, but I do not care. Shuddup.

Also awesome, this picture. Look at how awesome it is. I made this (okay, I gimped this).

One ring to rule them in brightest day
One ring to bind them in blackest night
Beware my power... in the darkness where the shadows lie!

After the fall of Morgoth (I’ve already lost a few of you haven’t I?) Sauron at first tried to make good with the Valar on Eä but they wanted him to redeem himself and he wasn’t really up for that. Instead, he went into the lands of Middle-Earth to set himself up as a kind of god-king. He won over the humans and dwarfs pretty easily, but the elves still had a bee in their bonnet about the whole Island of Werewolves incident and those sisters don’t ever let nothin’ go, you follow?

Please keep in mind this is a simplified version of events and if you want the long version go read the Silmarillion and may the Lords of Valar have mercy on your soul because I sure as hell am not doing that again.

Now the annals of Middle-Earth history say that at this point Sauron disguised himself and went to the elves so that they would forge the nineteen rings of power, then forged his own in secret to have dominion over the others.

I'm not buyin' it. For all his bluster and might, Sauron was not the brightest bulb on the porch. Here’s my theory: after conquering the lands of men as a (seemingly) beneficial god, Sauron fell under the attention of the Guardians. Who were, in fact, the Valar who had chosen not to journey to Eä and instead stayed on Oa. I note here the similarity of the two names. Noted? Good.

The Guardians had, in their time, seen that the universe needed protectors and they – unwisely it turns out – offered the job of policing sector 2814 to Sauron who they knew to have been involved in the War of Wrath; even if they did not fully understand his involvement as it turns out. So they give him a Green Lantern Ring.

What an alarmingly bad idea.

Sauron goes to town, turns the men and dwarfs to his rule, but the elves possess their own strong magic and resist. This is shit up with which Sauron will not put. He spends years studying the ring, trying to figure out how he can use it to turn the elves to him. Eventually, he hits on the idea of seducing the elves to him with their own rings of power. Since they will be, in truth, mere copies of his he will ultimately have dominion over them through their own rings. The Guardians or Valar or whatever you want to call them handed Sauron control of Middle-Earth on a platter. As we know, the elves are not as dumb as their blonde hair would suggest and this goes very badly.

Sauron's ring is taken from him, but it will not bend to the will of its new owner. Sauron has invested so much of himself in his Ring of Power that he becomes little more than the energy contained in it, shining atop Barad-dûr as the embodiment of his own lantern until he can be reunited with his ring.

So yeah, to recap here: the One Ring was actually a Ring of Power, and Sauron was Earth’s first Green Lantern.

Thoughts?


*Note: Sauron's original name was Mairon, which if you're like me you'll read as Marion. Congratulations, the Dark Lord is 115% less terrifying. Also, lantern doesn't look like a word anymore.

Battlestar Batman

Lord, I am such a dweeb (Dweebus Maximus is the term according to Kali and Mike of Dreamworthy Gifts). Not only did I not even leave the house on Saturday night, I spent my evening... well, let's go into the backstory first shall I?

Within about a half hour of waking up on Saturday morning I was involved in a conversation about what a Batman / Battlestar Galactica crossover would be like with @hubcomics. Because, yeah, that's my life now.

Well, this lead to discussion on how it would work: Dude, each ship would end up with its own supervillian, with Batman on Galactica. It would be EPIC. As well as ideas for how the story might unfold: Joker kidnaps Gaius Baltar: "Why is 6 afraid of 7?" "I have no idea. Cylon politics?!" "Because 7 8 9!"; DICK "NIGHTWING" GRAYSON vs. LEE "APOLLO" ADAMA in the battle of "I'll never be as good as my dad, either!".

So Saturday night, while I'm sitting at home being a dorkus maximus, I made this... and it cracks me up.

click for full view

So there you go, Jesse, Battlestar Batman.

Blue text is from @hubcomics.

Look what I won!

Here's the thing- @geekgirldiva was challenged by her boss to get 5,000 followers on Twitter. Okay, why not, I like the name. It turns out, there were prizes too. That was kind of exciting.

Well, she hit her mark and asked us to tweet her on what prizes we might want. After looking at the list, I chose the Tonner Edward (as in Twilight - I know, I know). If you don't know why this is awesome, go spend a few hours with the Secret Life of Dolls. It's okay, I'll wait here until you get back.

So the thing is, I won it. I really wish I had a recording of my evil cackle when this happened. (I'll try and record one later tonight.) I don't have the foggiest idea what I'm going to do with it, but I have great faith in my imagination.


Update: I'm going to have to invest in some Bella Barbies for it to eat aren't I? Yes, yes I am.

ECWTF?

Dear SciFi Channel,

I love you. You have the greatest slate of programming on television and I'm seriously considering calling in for work this Saturday in order to watch Star Runners.

So why do I find wrestling whenever I switch to your channel this Tuesday night? I would say it is some sort of error on the part of my service provider, but your website supports that this is the programing you intended.

Unless they're on hoverboards with lasers, wrestlers do not belong on the SciFi channel. By the way, I would totally watch wrestlers on hoverboards (lasers optional). Just a thought.

Give me back monsters and space travel. Give me back time warps and genetic experiments. Give me back my SciFi channel!

Hugs and kisses,
The Heroine


[except the 'Hugs and Kisses' part, I did actually send this letter to the SciFi Channel. They never wrote back *sad face* ]