New Moon

Words do not even begin to express how much I don't want to admit to having seen New Moon, on opening day nevertheless. Let's just say I have a friend (A) who is not a lolfan.

The premise will be familiar to virtually everyone who will go see it, but I'll do a recap anyway. Bella Swan and Edward Cullen love a love than has never been loved before. Edward decides - with less evidence than what the first book's actual plot provided - that being around him puts Bella in danger. So he leaves. Bella proceeds to mope for about four months. In the book this is done with symbolically blank pages with the months as headers - in the movie it is done... as well as could be expected actually. Finding out that putting herself in danger let's her see an apparition of Edward. She enlists the help of what should be the third side of a love-triangle, Jacob, but since there is never a doubt that Bella and Edward were meant to be (see the loving of love that has never been loved before) there's not much of a triangle, just some Jacob pity. We discover Jacob is also a mythical monster, Bella nearly kills herself, Edward nearly kills himself, vampires fight, Alice tries to be as awesome as she can with her limited screentime. And in the end, it turns out that Bella and Edward's love wins out. On a move v book note, the movie stuck to the book enough to appease the Twihards, but with enough nods to the lolfans that I was in stitches.

I can think of only one word to describe New Moon - fanservice. Not only are there a half dozen teenage boys who spend 98% of the movie shirtless; but we have a shot of RPatz shirtless, with jeans slung so low you know far to much about his personal grooming habits. Far. Too. Much. The shirtlessness got so silly at one point that the audience was actually giggling. Most of the audience anyway, I was cackling. My cackling led others to let loose and what was meant to be a rather poignant scene between two leads was drowned out by the audiences laughter.

I will say, and it was rather cool, is when the vampires start fighting and getting slammed into marble, you see the marble crack while similar cracks appear on the vampires and I see what u did thar.

I would love to go on, but I'm pretty sure I've already stolen 10+ jokes from Cleolinda Jones unintentionally. So I will leave yo with this list:

Things I mumbled during New Moon:

1. Jaaames Deeeans
2. It's the volvo of great justice!
   
3. You could do so much better [@Jacob]
4. Go to the thugs Bella, end it all now...
   
5. Oh come on!
   
6. Furspolsion!
7. Oh snap (@Alice)
8. Jacob, how could you?
   
9. Oh Edward, you sparkly diva
10. Wait, are those... ew, put your shirt back on.
11. I see what you did there.
    
12. God I hate her so much [@Bella]
13. So much.
    

See what I mean about stealing Cleolinda's jokes? Go read the Twilight recaps, just go (come on, it's called Twilight II: Vampire Boogaloo). My sense of humor about this is obviously compromised beyond all measure.

[I can say this... in the middle of the movie, they go see a movie (a metamovie if you will) called Face Punch that has some of the best dialogue ever. I really wish I'd gone to see that movie.]