Microsoft

I am trying to turn my laptop into a dual-boot. Keeping Ubuntu on one-side and installing Microsoft on the other. For all my love for Ubuntu - I have a laundry list of products that don't support using anything but Windows and thus - here I am.

I am, however, having problems installing Windows 7. I was warned that the 3-pack of installations that my father bought had buggy product keys and that I was going to have to call in order to have it fixed. I was not looking forward to this, but whatever. We use Windows 7 at school and I rather like it, so let's do this.

My phone call to Microsoft - with a VERY SPECIFIC problem - took me an hour and a half to finish. I say 'finish' not 'resolve' because... well, I'll get to that. In the course of this call:

1) I was transferred upwards of eight times. Three of those were not to other departments, but back to the main menu where I would have to start the entire process over.

2) I was accused, vehemently, of having them on speaker phone since they couldn't understand me. One lady even went so far as to circumspectly accuse me of lying to her when I maintained that I wasn't.

3) The man who finally took on the apparently gargantuan task of checking my product key comes back only to tell me that their system is down and can I call back in an hour. He later rescinded this and did some sort of magic - but seriously Microsoft? You don't inspire confidence in your product when I call into your own support center and the system is down. You should look into that.

4) I'm told that the product is out of warranty. Excuse me? A product that has never been activated, and therefore never used is out of warranty? "So what your telling me is that I was sold a product that won't install correctly but you refuse to help me because it's somehow fallen outside of warranty - even though it has never been activated or registered?" "Yes ma'am."

5) I apologized for raising my voice to him, asked to speak to someone else and that man then hung up on me. I kid you not.

There is a reason... there is a reason I happily switched to a Linux-based system two years ago. A system that has never crashed, never failed and never given me one frakkin' problem. I still need to do a Windows install. There are programs I need for my summer teaching fellowship that just don't work on Ubuntu. But I will be damned if I use a legal copy.

Microsoft - you have turned a girl who has legally downloaded every song she owns into a pirate. I hope you're happy.

Fail Whale

Look what I got!


It's a USB hub! I have like a million and nine USB gadgets and while Lovelace has three ports of her own, there was definite room for expansion. So I got this little guy. He has four ports and is adorable. Of course I had to get the white whale, but I really struggled not to name him the Fail Whale. I mean, that's like naming your kid Gertrude or Eugene, you're dooming the kid to a life of trouble from the start.

But-but... it's the Fail Whale!

An evil Fail Whale. Wow, that's creepy. Are the glowing red eyes really necessary?


ACK! From hell's heart it has stabbed at me! *is ded*

Droid

Let me start with this: I have never owned an iPhone. I have never held an iPhone. I have no idea what an iPhone works like or how amazing it (hypothetically) is.

If you're thinking about getting a Motorola Droid and have been put off by all of the Droid v iPhone reviews where the Droid comes out lacking let me tell you this: yesterday, I bought myself a Droid and I am in love like you wouldn't believe. I am flashing back to my early days with Johnny 505. I can say unequivocally it is the most amazing thing I ever held in my hand.

The screen is so clear it was hard to get a good picture of it. Yes, that is my camera's eye you can see. Sorry.
And that is not a flower, it's a sunspot in infrared.

What? You want an actual review of something for once instead of me rhapsodizing about my love? If you insist...

The Droid weighs in 6oz and is slightly narrower than the palm of my hand. It includes a slide-out keyboard upon which the backspace key and the enter key are dangerously close together. Ask Twitter users if you think I'm exaggerating. The screen is crystal clear, and I would dare to say it's crisper than my laptop screen (sorry, Lovelace, I still love you best!). The power cable doubles as a USB cable through the magic of modern technology and file transfers from Lovelace to the Droid were as simple as drag and drop. The whole phone is pretty intuitive, I spent about twenty minutes messing with it and by the end of it, I only had to look up a few things.

(Are people really complaining about the weight? [Answer: Yes] It weighs 2oz more than the iPhone. 2oz! I brush my hair and lose more than that!)

Sidenote: When did it become okay for phones to get bigger? I remember there was a real push for a while for phones to be as tiny as possible, the size of a ballpoint pen. The Droid is easily twice the size of my Razor. Wait, I take it back, it was when we decided that phones should be personal computers as well. I'm okay with that.

The home screen is made up of three panels which all share the same background. You can swish your finger across the screen to navigate between them. I love this as it means I can keep my useful programs I use to the right, and the silly games and things off to the left, leaving my center screen gloriously empty and beautiful. Then main menu is accessed through a tab at the bottom of the screen and I really like the look of it. Figuring out how to move icons around was a little odd. I could drop things on the desktop, but couldn't manage to grab them. Easy solution, touch the icon until the phone vibrates. Then you can either move it or trash the icon (not the program); if you hold the icon to either side of the screen, it will move into the next panel. No, that last bit did not take me 15 minutes to figure out. No it didn't, shut up. Also on the phone are four "buttons" which let you go back, go to a menu, go back to the home screen, or search.

The OS looks exactly like my Ubuntu desktop, down to the thinking circles and top taskbar. I'm super happy about that. If you are not a Linux user, don't worry, it's nothing all that different - it just made me happy that it looks so alike. The top taskbar will let you know if you have email or updates or tweets or whatnot and you can access any of the above by swishing the thing down. Nice - also, handy.

When locked, which it does automatically after what feels like ten seconds but is in fact set to two minutes, you have a clock and the date as well as an actual percentage indicator for the battery if charging. I like that. It's good to know I have 80% of my battery left, or how much is left until charged, or whatever. To unlock, you have to swipe the unlock icon over, or you can silent or ... unsilent (?) your ringer while it is still locked. I like that too. What I do not like is that I have to press the power/unlock button to get to that screen. I would much rather be able to just tap my way into the phone. I don't know, this is a convenience vs accidental phoning thing. You can't stick your hand in you pocket/purse and turn this thing on by accident.

Let's get to what people really wonder about, which is apps. The very first thing I got was Twidroid, because I am a twittering fiend these days. Apps in the Android market were super easy to find and the download went smoothly. I immediately got the important apps such as Facebook, OI Safe (for passwords), pandora, lightsaber, sudoku and amazon. On the sudoku note, this is easily the best sudoku I have seen outside of paper and pencil. Oh, I also got the bubble level and spent part of today calibrating it. 'Cause I'm obsessive like that. At the moment I'm running my email, twidroid, pandora and sudoku with no problems.

Update: I took my droid back to Verizon and got a new one. Since then, I have not had a single issue with it. If you are having the problems I'm about to describe, TAKE IT BACK. Nothing will fix it. On the not awesome note, it does have a tendency to shut itself down when it gets confused. It's done it twice in the time it has taken me to type this. Fail. In all fairness, it does not do it out of the blue, but rather when I have asked too much of it. It looks and acts so much like my laptop I expect it to be able to handle as many separate processes. And while it is awesome, it is not magical. Sad face :(

The scary thing is, it's smarter than me. Like a lot smarter. It does things without my asking, like grab people's facebook profile picture and put it next to their name in my contacts list. What's up with that? Scared the hell out of me. Really, 90% of my uses for it are sudoku and music. My phone is probably sitting here sullen and brooding at the unfulfillment of its potential. Like a wife that gave up her career and the kids turned out to be shit.

All in all, I'm quite impressed. It is my first smartphone and the sound and picture quality are amazing. The camera function is alright, but I haven't quite figured out the night functions.

Some of the bitching I have seen has been about the keyboard, which some people claim is extraneous as the onscreen keyboard is exceptional. I do not use the onscreen keyboard, it is such a pain in the ass and I inevitably mess it up. It does offer suggestions before the word is finished which is kind of nice. I suppose if you've gotten used to the onscreen keyboard on an iPhone you will default to that, but personally I'd rather use the keypad.

In the end, I am so freaking excited by my phone you have no idea. I have named it R4-P17 in honor of one of the greatest droids of all time and find that I'm using it in place of my laptop, even when my laptop is within arms reach. I'll get back to you in a month or so when the novelty has worn off and R4 is leaving dirty dished in the sink and socks on the floor.



Technical Sidenote for Users:
Droid and some freemail accounts don't get along. If you have a Droid and have been having problems synching your Yahoo! mail with it here's the fix (Note, you need to be on the 3g network to do this - it won't work on a wifi network for reasons beyond my understanding):
1. Go into email and then pull up the menu to add account.
2. Enter your email address and password, then choose Manual Setup
3. Choose IMAP
4. The IMAP server should be imap.mail.yahoo.com; and the port is 143. Security: none. IMAP path prefix: leave blank.
5. On the next screen (which should be outgoing settings)... SMTP server: smtp.mobile.mail.yahoo.com; the port is 587. Security:none. Make sure require sign-in is checked.
6. Name you account and move on.

Daisy, daisy...

Today was a trying day. Today I said goodbye to HAL.

HAL was my first laptop, and the first computer that ever came new to me. Bought in 2003, HAL was meant to see me off to college. An HP Pavillion, he did me proud with his 20gig hard drive and Athlon XP processor, he weighed in at around 10 pounds. And except for spilling a glass of wine on him my first semester - he made it through with nary a scratch.

But the times they are a-changing, the years have taken their toll on my once faster than light piece of machinery. With an average boot to actually usable time of over five minutes and processing power than rivaled my toaster it was time to go for a younger model. So this last July I got a new laptop, Lovelace. After transferring all my documents, HAL sat in a box. Unused and unloved, waiting for a decision on his future.

Well the wait is over. With all the pomp and circumstance of a state funeral, we reformatted HAL's hard drive. I'll admit, a tear was shed. Soliloquies were read. In his final moments, HAL was heard to utter... "My mind is going, I can feel it," before drifting off. I'd like to think it was a painless death, a mercy killing if you please.

Rest in peace my friend, you served your mistress well.

Dell

Dell: Hello, this is Dell technical support, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, my laptop over-heated and shut down yesterday, since then my fan has been making a very loud buzzing noise. It’s going to need replacing.

Dell: I am sorry to hear that. We will run some tests and try to get this taken care of quickly. Okay, I need you plug in your AC adapter.

Me: I don’t have it with me.

Dell: Well ma’am, I need you to have your AC adapter plugged in before we can proceed further.

Me: No, I mean, it’s like a hundred miles away.

Dell: I am afraid we will need the to have the AC adapter to assess your problem.

Me: Okay, explain to me the link between my power cable and the fan and I’ll go get it.

Dell: That is a very good question ma’am. We will be testing many things on your computer including the software, the hard drive, the keyboard, the mouse, and the AC adapter.

Me: This is a hardware problem. You are not going to fix it by assessing my keyboard.

Dell: Ma’am, I’m sorry but we must run these tests.

Me: Even thought they are an absolute waste of time?

Dell: I do not believe that they are ma’am.

(Silence)

Dell: Ma’am, are you retrieving your power cable?

Me: No. I told you it’s a hundred miles away. And unnecessary. This is a hardware problem.

(After some discussion we decide to spend the next thirty minutes running a system check. All the while I am quietly fuming. At one point, we have the following exchange.)

Dell: (sounding worried) I see here that you did not purchase our complete care extended warranty package.

Me: Excuse me? This laptop comes with a warranty. It sure as hell should cover something that should never break to begin with.

Dell: Oh no ma’am, your warranty covers any issues with the cooling fan. However, you may wish to purchase the extended-

Me: Are you trying to upsell me? Really? Now?

Dell: Ma’am I-

Me: No, I don’t want the extended warranty. I only wanted the one year warranty for the out of the box problems. Like this one.

(Again, much later after we have diagnosed that my computer believes everything is peachy keen.)

Dell: Okay, do you have wireless access from your computer?

Me: Yes...

Dell: I am sending you a file to download to your hard drive. It will update-

Me: No.

Dell: I’m sorry ma’am?

Me: No, I don’t put anything on my computer without knowing exactly what it is. And nothing you could send me is going to fix a hardware problem.

Dell: It is a very small file ma’am.

Me: I don’t care how big it is, I’m not putting it on my laptop.

Dell: It is an exe file.

Me: I can’t open an exe file anyway. I am running Ubuntu. (Right here is where I really start flipping my shit because surely they have it on file that I bought a Inspiron with and Ubuntu OS. Right? Apparently not.)

Dell: Oh, I am going to need to transfer you to our Ubuntu specialist then ma’am. Be sure to tell him that you are running Ubuntu.

Me: Why should that even matter with a hardware problem? And am I going to have to go through all this again?

Dell: I will conference in this representative, you will not have to do all this again.

Me: Whatever.

(transfers)

Dell: Hello, this is Dell technical support how may I help?

Me: You don’t know? He was supposed to talk to you.

Dell: I’m sorry ma’am, your call has been automatically transferred to me, how may I help?

(And then, gentle reader, I lost it.)

Me: I don’t fucking believe this. I’ve just spent forty-five minutes on the phone doing absolutely nothing useful and now I have to do it all again with you.

Dell: I’m going to have to ask you to calm down.

Me: Un-fucking-believable.

(After I got a hold on myself we finally got around to the issue. What followed was him transferring me to his manager as he attempted to speak to the Ubuntu specialist [again, why?] so his manager could apologise to me. Finally, he comes back and says...)

Dell: I have spoken to our Ubuntu specialist and he assures me this is a hardware problem. We will arrange to have it shipped to one of our service centres to be fixed.

Me: I have been on the phone for an hour and twenty minutes trying to tell you that exact same thing.

(In short, fuck you Dell. If I didn’t already have my computer, I would never buy from you. In fact, if I get so much as a whisper of a problem from you over this, I’m going to return this one.)

Calibre

[Click to embiggen]

Here's what I want from a program. To do what I want it to do and not a bit more. I keep my computer's records immaculate. Everything on my computer is labeled, cross-referenced and categorised. My life may be a mess, but my computer knows where it's at. I do not need for you to take over my book collection. I can do that myself Calibre.

Do not offer to erase everything from my computer just because I want to erase it from your database. I do not need you to run my life or to arrange it for me.

I do not need this Calibre! I'm sure that deep down you're a very nice program, but you're coming across a little manipulative and creepy. If you were my library boyfriend you'd be Edward from Twilight.

J:505

So Calibre... Calibre... I cannot use the Sony software on my Ubuntu laptop. They do not mix (see the previous J:505 comic). As an alternative, there is this amazing "amazing" software called Calibre that does the work of ten Sony stores, plus two!

I have more to say about Calibre, but I'm going to leave it for the next comic because... well... you'll see. That comic is drawn, but the file got corrupted. Should be up tomorrow.

Walkin' on Sunshine (oh-oh-oh)

I had such dreams of a Lovelace/Johnny 505 pairing. I was prepared to ship Ubuntu/Sony.

My dreams are crushed.

J:505

So... I just got a new laptop. I love my new laptop. My new laptop is named Lovelace.

Johnny 505 does not love my new laptop.

My new laptop has no idea what this strange thing plugged into it is.

(Click to embiggen, it's hard to read at this size)

Based on how other Smart Bitches have handled operating systems outside of Windows, I know how to fix this...

I think.