The Wheel of Time turns...

I don’t remember the day I picked up Eye of the World. I wish I could. I remember begging my mother every Saturday for a month to take me to Barnes and Noble for the next, and after hearing me begin my begging by the following Wednesday purchasing the next two on every subsequent trip. I don’t know how many floors I vacuumed or cars I washed to earn those books but it could have been the whole apartment complex and I wouldn’t have cared.

It was fifteen years ago, and it was the first fantasy novel I had ever read - it would be five years before I even thought to read Lord of the Rings, and then only because the cover quote for Wheel of Time makes the comparison. Path of Daggers would come out later that year – it’s the first book I can ever remember waiting for and I nearly passed out from fury when my mom suggested I wait until it came out in paperback. Paperback? That would be months. Maybe even a whole year. I would die. I would just die if I had to wait to find out what happened to Elayne and Nynaeve after escaping with the Bowl of Winds. Who saved Rand in Shadar Logoth as he fought Sammael? Did a building just fall on Mat?

(Of course, I’d have to wait for Winter’s Heart to discover the answer to the last and boy was I pissed.)

Wheel of Time had become my life at this point. My DiabloII characters were all named for WoT characters. I began to wear a kesiera (or at least as close as I could make to one) everywhere and my Freshmen photos were 10x more awkward than they needed to be as a result.

Two more Wheel of Time books came out while I was in High School, and I panicked a little when I went to college overseas and worried I would not be able to get the next. By the time Knife of Dreams did come out I was broke. So broke I bought, read it over a weekend, and had to return it on Monday. It was literally that or not eat for the week and I was more than willing to risk that if it came to it.

What I do remember clearly is the day that Robert Jordan died. I remember crying. Not for the man – I didn’t know him to know if he was worth crying over – I cried for his books. I cried for these characters who were now lost. Maybe he had planned to kill them all off, maybe the Dark One was intended to win… it didn’t matter. I would never know the answer and more importantly – neither would they. They would never know if their world survived, or their hopes and dreams came to fruition.

I didn’t cry for myself, I cried for their world.

Anger would come later. Why had Jordan allowed the series to stretch so long? If he’d dropped out this character or that character (always characters I myself didn’t particularly like) then he could have been done with it ages ago. 

I didn’t want to have anything to do with the series anymore. It would never be finished, what was the point. I don’t think I even knew Sanderson had taken the series on until the day I saw Gathering Storm at a bookstore. I wish someone had taken a picture of me in that moment. It was like being transported into an alternate dimension and discovering I was Batman. I was stunned. How was this possible and who was this “Brandon Sanderson” person? Who authorized this?

I picked it up with trepidation. I opened to the first page and it was like I was back in that first month when I started Wheel of Time for the first time. The legends of the first 11 books had faded a bit by this time but I couldn’t make myself stop to refresh.  The Wheel of Time turns and I couldn’t risk getting hit by a bus before finishing.

(I’m not sure what greater seal of approval I could give for Sanderson than to say that before I had even finished Gathering Storm I had bought every Sanderson book that had ever been published and they were waiting, patiently, for me to get to them.)

Life was right again, the world was right again.

I choked up when Sanderson announced he had finished A Memory of Light, and even more so the day I placed my pre-order. Over Thanksgiving I began my re-read of the entire series, only my second since starting the series that long ago day. 

The books are different now. Characters I hated before, or were bored by, were changed through the eyes of an adult. I will not pretend that thirteen year old me was less than she was, but she was a shadow of the woman she would become. A woman that Wheel of Time had no small part in making her.

Wheel of Time taught me that women could be powerful. That it was as natural and right as a man being so. It taught me that everyone has their own strengths, and that finding people who can complement your strengths and call you out on your foolishness is the only way to accomplish anything in this world. That there is someone out there who will love you for exactly who you are, and someone who will want to see you be your absolutely best and it doesn’t actually matter who you choose as long as you’re happy with the choice.

That people are born good – but anyone can be tempted to evil.

It’s been fourteen books, over 4 million words and fifteen years and I am about to start on the last book – no, the final book. Final is the right word. It’s not just that this one is last, it is the end of an era for me, and the finality of it is total.

It doesn’t matter if Memory of Light is good or bad, if ends how I want or if it leaves me dissatisfied. It has been a wild ride and I have enjoyed every minute of it.

Thank you Mr Jordan for your dream – and you Mr Sanderson for seeing it through to the end. You have both exceeded my wildest expectations and I am deeply joyed to have the opportunity to finish this journey.

The stupidest company in the world...

I am a big fan of Game of Thrones and have been looking forward to watching Season 2 since they announced it was being picked up last year.

I don't have cable, so in order to watch it on my TV I'd have to pay for an entire cable package, plus HBO on top of it. They have HBOgo, which is their online arm, but it is only available to people who subscribe to HBO through a cable network.

HBOgo's infrastructure is already entirely setup. Selling it to someone requires only a link to sign up and give credit card details. Nothing further, but HBO won't do this. You have to go through a cable provider (which are becoming more and more obsolete as the internet progresses anyway).

And that's it. That's the only option. Game of Thrones is not available anywhere else but through HBO.

Oh, I could torrent it. Be a pirate. In fact everyone I know is doing just that because none of us have cable. Why would we? We have youtube and 90% of what's on TV is either horrible, or available to watch online somewhere for a fee or even free with adverts. I'm cool with that. I will pay what I deem fair for something I enjoy. But I will not pirate something I support, because that's a very good way to ensure that what you support will cease to be made.

I honestly do not understand HBOs logic here. A subscription is a subscription, what does it matter if it's through comcast or suddenlink or their own website? This whole system is just encouraging me to pirate for the first time ever - and at my age and in this time that is saying a lot. (I don't even download music.)

In short, what we're talking about is a company refusing to make money by selling a service to people - a service they can sell at no additional costs to themselves. It makes absolutely no sense from a business perspective. None.

Therefore, by the power invested in my by the gods of the internets I hereby proclaim HBO to be:

(If you're wondering, I managed to watch it last year because my brother had HBO.)

Xena Season 1 Episodes 1-5

Note: So I'm watching and reviewing Xena: Warrior Princess on netflix instant. I'll post however many I've done either in groups or at the end of the day (because we don't need 100 Xena posts now do we?). I'm typing these up based on my live notes, so some of it might seem like "You had to be there" moments. Cause really, you had to be there. There will be spoilers, because the show has been off the air for ten years now.

Episode 1: Sins of the Past
Our scene open on a beautiful woman (spoilers! it’s Xena) on horseback riding through a burned village. The flashback tells us that she was responsible for it’s burninantion. I’m not sure what it is about this one town, but Xena gives up her life of killing people, only to immediately change her mind and decide to kill only bad people when she sees some people being attacked.

Credits I'd forgotten how awesome the opening credits were. (And I want Lucy Lawless' body. Not like, in a trunk, but copied to my own. Pervs.)

[Do New Zealander's have, like, a Zealand accent? All these people sound American.]

Xena kicks ass through well-placed coincidental buried armor and a young woman, Gabrielle, steps up as what may be the world's first total fangirl. In an effort to ensure the village stays safe, Xena conquers her first barbarian warlord in the show through her awesome sexuality alone. You go girl. Gabrielle is not sexy, or sneaky. We are making many points of this throughout this episode.

Gabrielle: "I want to be a warrior."
Lilo [Gabrielle's sister]"Gabrielle, I can beat you up."

And here we have the first in what might be many of these instances, but I will only say it once (I’m lying): Trust your horse Xena, he's way smarter than you obviously. But despite the fact that Argo (the horse) had the since to run away from a cyclops who'd lost his eye, Xena does a good job getting rid of a him (the cyclops, not the horse) (Also, is a cyclops without an eye still a cyclops?) (The non-clops doesn't have bad CG for the record. Well, not awful anyway.) (I like parentheses)

Whoa whoa whoa, Draco (the barbarian who apparently has a name although I won’t remember it and why are they giving the awesome name to someone we won’t ever see gain? I ask you) is an asshole. He orders his men to pretend to be Xena’s and go on some pillaging and plundering and likely raping although it isn’t explicitly set out in the contract.

Gabrielle also encounters the non-clops, but manages to talk her way out of it by threatening to kill Xena and with that we have the Best line in the episode...

Gabrielle: "She'd never let a man get close enough to do her, at least not that kind of do her."

(And I see we've established Xena is feisty and Gabrielle is clever. Good use of show not tell, producers. Wooo! First use of the Xena nerve-pinch! Has that ever actually been allowed to run its course? Does it even work? Does anyone know?)

Xena continues her journey back to her homestead and comes across a group of women engaging in some annoying ass singing. Xena ignores my yelling at the screen: Kill 'em Xena. Kill! Kill! Kill! and instead rides straight by them. She arrives home and is slightly/ mostly ostracized by the people, up to and including her mother. I like how nobody comments on her outfit - like that little mini-skirt and bustier is totally the norm. Any hopes of reconciliation are dashed when “Xena’s” army comes through to rampage, pillage, and/or rape.

Xena goes out to meet the troops and Draco becomes the first in a long line of people to tell Xena to celebrate her dark side. Dude, that never ends well for the guy. Ever. They begin fighting on some conveniently places scaffolding, first person to touch the ground loses. And listen, I know it's her thing, but she can stop the yelling thing anytime.

In the course of the fight, they end up literally walking on people and I am flabbergasted by the townspeople allowing the bad guy to use them as stepping stones. Why don't these people knock the bad guy off, why are they just standing there letting him, literally, walk all over them? And WHY ARE YOU MAKING A DEAL WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS PROVED HIS WORD IS UNTRUSTWORTHY?!? Dammit Xena.

Xena let’s Draco go on the condition he not harm the village. So screw all the other villages out there I guess. Xena’s mom forgives her, she’s a hero(ine) to the townspeople and she and Gabrielle have and instant friendship. Awwww.

Gods seen: 0
Nerve Pinches: 1 (Fatal:0)

Episode 2: Chariots of War
This one was boring and I gtalked with someone instead of watching. Although there were scaffolding shenanig--- wait, nope. That was episode one. Never mind. Look, I didn't promise every episode did I? Some are just boring. Xena gets hurt, and the guy who nurses her back to health doesn't want her to fight. She resist for all of about ten seconds then kicks ass. It's forgettable. Easily.

Gods seen: 0
Nerve Pinches: 0 (probably) (Fatal:0)

[Wiki tells me the musical episode is in season 3 - I'm a little flabbergasted by the amount of things are going to have to happen between now and then.]

Episode 3: Dreamworker
The show opens on a little bait and switch, intending to emphasize that Gabrielle is in no way capable of defending herself. Which is true. Some Xena/Gabrielle discussion and we go into....

Credits Man, they got best use out of credits voiceover guy. He's amazing.

And when we get back, I notice Xena has lost her episode 1 headband, which is an awesome decision on her part. Some banter and discussion with local shopkeepers as we emphasize that Gabrielle wants to be as dangerous as Xena, but is totally incapable. Aaaand, the breast dagger makes it’s first appearance as Gabrielle buys it and proceeds to walk up to Xena breast first. Xena, rightly, takes it away from her for safe keeping in her own bustier of awesome.

And we have our Best line in the episode:

Gabrielle: "It's not like your breasts aren't dangerous enough."

As Xena discusses things with another local shopkeep, we find a blind magi and Gabrielle gets kidnapped by evil priests of the god Morpheus. In an attempt to make them release her, Gabrielle earnestly tells the priests, “I have lots of faults.” To save her, Xena goes into her own dreamworld and sweet baby Thor this show is already weirder than all 6 season of Hercules put together. Xena dreams of warriors chanting her names and crying women. But mostly of people accusing her of killing them or ruining their lives. Which, fair enough. Please note that this will be a running theme on Xena over the next 6 seasons.

Gabrielle is told she needs to pass tests in order to become bride of Morpheus and since the tests are pass or die, she steps up. [If universities operated on this principle we’d have a lot better calibre of graduates, I’m just saying.] In the other world, we’ve discovered that head priest lied, and that the point of the exercise is to get Gabrielle to kill someone for the first time so they can sacrifice her to Morpheus. And priest even sets Gabrielle up by handing her a sword. Bastard.

We cut back to Xena battling her demons in her dream world and frankly, I'm a little hazy on how what Xena's doing is going to help Gabrielle. In a magical moment, Xena passes on the “Do not kill” information to Gabrielle in a dream. And everytime someone says blood innocence I snerffle a little.

[We're three episodes in and haven't seen a god, I find that odd considering how prevalent they will become in later seasons. Anyway....]

The next challenge proves Gabrielle is clever - she gets the people to fight each other not her. But high priest has figured out Gabrielle knows - next time it’s kill or be killed.

Xena is still in dreamland fighting her inner demons. Of course she is. That’s all she ever does. Yet she doesn't recognize her own voice or silhouette (In all fairness, I wonder if I would recognize my own voice in that sort of situation?) Holy shitcakes, does evil-dream Xena have blacked out eyes? AHHHHH! She does! AHHHHH!

I want to note that this kill or be killed contraption for Gabrielle seems needlessly complicated. And while I am bouncing between two plots here, this show generally does have pretty good pacing, even in this episode. Xena defeats her demons and manages to teleport her body into the temple and fights the guardpeople. This show taught me that slicing someone across their chest with a sword kills them instantly. Xena wins, and frees Gabrielle. Huzzah!

Back in town, we have the second best line of the night by the storekeeper

Xena: How much do I owe you?

Storekeeper: Owe me? After taking care of the fear of the mystics, after making this valley a safe place to raise a family? Ten percent off everything

Xena and Gabrielle bond over what it means to kill people (I may be taking the wrong lesson from this) and then continue on into their adventures.

Gods seen: 0
Nerve Pinches: 0 (Fatal:0)

Episode 4: Cradle of Hope
This episode opens on a mystic woman giving the king of somewhere news that there will be a child in his future - it's not his child but will one day hold his throne, so I guess it's pretty bad news. This affects the king as you might expect. In his demense, his serving women are sending the child in question off in a reed basket. Did that really happen that much in ancient times? I mean, really? Off in their woodland encampment, Xena and Gabrielle wake up and discover the baby in the river - which Gabrielle somewhat hilariously thinks is a cat based on its crying. Bless.

Credits: Marry me voiceover guy?

When we return, Gabrielle wants to keep the baby, and Xena proves she's not really mother material several time over. Gabrielle wants to name the baby Gabriel, but Xena is all "Don't name anything you intend to eat."

In the castle, the king is convinced that he'll deal with an adult when the time comes - but his advisor/general wants to kill all the babies. Guys, I think the advisor might be the real bad guy here. Shhhh. Back on the road, Xena saves a young women from a mob. The woman is pretty blasé about the whole thing, truth be told. Although she gets a little uptight when Gabrielle drops her bag and a box falls out. Oh, turns out the woman is Pandora (well, the Pandora's granddaughter), and the box is the one that still contain all the world’s hope.

Xena, Gabrielle, Pandora and the baby arrive in town and settle in at a tavern. Troops arrive, along with evil advisor, and try and take little baby Xenu – but Xena’s got this and kicks ass even without her sword. She even goes alcohol flamethrower of AWESOME on their asses which is a neat trick really. Xena goes a little postal on the tavern-keeper who had fetched the troops in.. She does the nerve pinch to the guy. And almost does it again in a pretty funny moment you'd just have to see. While their discussing why soldiers want a baby, Pandora discovers the soldiers stole her box.

Back at the castle, the advisor/general cannot act his way out of a paper bag. It makes taking all of his 'kill the child' shenanigans a little funny really. Thee king is a good guy, as he proves repeatedly, so much so that I'm doubting the validity of the prophecy. I’m calling it, he ends up adopting the baby. You guys got that? Oh, and it turns out the box will open itself by midnight if not reset by Pandora. This is the plot thickening.

The principal people meet up in the tavern again, where the king makes it very clear he thinks Xena is a blood-thirsty savage, I don't think Xena was prepared to be the bad guy in this. Also, everyone in ancient Greece had amazingly blue eyes. Back at their hideout, Gabrielle has found a way into the palace and for the record, I'm still not convinced that “put the baby in the river” is a valid contingency plan. I feel it has some deep and irreparable flaws to it.

Turns out that tonight is the “let's sex up the advisor” festival. That's not what they call it but that's what it is. Xena sneaks in to do a sexy dance, which for the record involves more clothing than she normally wears. She succeeds in seducing the advisor, but the king barges in and grabs the box before Xena can make off with it, party-pooper. In bed in his chambers, the advisor is trying to sex up Xena (without having seen her face) and gets the Best line of the episode...

Advisor: "You spoke of pleasure?"
Xena: *over her shoulder face punch* "And you spoke of pain."

BWAH!

Xena makes her way to the king’s chambers to hear him confessing about his lost wife and child. She steals the box from the king, then jumps out a window in a move that should have dislocated something, but whatever. She proceeds to run around the market and scream “Gabrielle”, which, in my honest opinion, seems like not the best way to do what she's doing. Pandora resets the box and Xena takes the baby back to the king so he can raise it as his heir. HA! Called it.

Wait, the advisor is there to kill the baby? And maybe the king? Okay, that makes sense, but Xena then proceeds to grab the baby and run? That makes no sense whatsoever. Zany fight music ensues as they throw the baby around? WTF? That kid is totally getting shaking baby syndrome out of this.

Advisor is killed, the King and Pandora are getting married – and in the treasury Gabrielle knocks the box over, which turns out to be empty. Xena says it’s because Pandora is carrying hope, but I think that hope was invisible and it escaped but Xena and Gabrielle couldn’t see it.

Gods seen: 0
Nerve Pinches: 1 (Fatal:0)
Alcohol Flamethrower: 1

Episode 5: The Path not Taken

I tried to pay more attention to this episode because I actually feel a little bad for dropping the ball on the second episode, but man was this one forgettable. The best moment happen before the credits roll as Gabrielle nonchalantly strolls through a bar talking about how great everything is, while behind her, Xena kicks the ass of the random creepers making their move towards the two women. Also notable is her use of the alcohol flamethrower, prompting me post-adding a running total for that as well.

I don’t know, there’s a fairly interesting sidestory about one of Xena’s past loves, but given what we learn of her, I find it fairly unbelievable.

Although, this one does get a Best line of the episode because it is said without any shame or compunction by the baddie of the week.

“Have her bathed and perfumed and sent to my chambers.”

Heh.

Gods seen: 0
Nerve Pinches: 0 (Fatal:0)
Alcohol Flamethrower: 1

Final Thoughts
Some good moments, some bizarre. I don't think I'd seen any of any of the episodes, except maybe some of 5 which was vaguely familiar in parts.I do want to continue watching, but Xena is at its best when they involve monsters and gods and weirdness. And I want me some Ares action like right now. Dammit.

Running total:
Gods seen: 0
Nerve Pinches: 2 (Fatal:0)
Alcohol Flamethrower: 2

Priest

Priest takes place in a world where, due to a war with the extremely superior vampires, humanity has taken refuge in large city-state compounds where they are protected by a dominant and creepy church. A church that seems to have forgotten half of scripture - or maybe in this world the Bible reads "Let humans rule over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. Except vampires. Seriously, those guys will fuck you up." To combat the vampires, priests are created/born/magicked/summoned/trained (it's not really made clear) to fight the vampires and they do a damn good job as by the time the movie begins vampires are all but eradicted.

Enter the plot: A young girl who is related to our main character is kidnapped by vampires, including vampire Karl Urban. She is a lot more upset by this than I would be. Our hero, who doesn't have a name, sets off on an epic quest to rescue her - defying the church and picking up some help along the way. His non-spoilery help is an outland sheriff. His spoiler help is another priest, this one a woman who is desperately in love with him - one can only assume because he is Paul Bettany since he's quite clearly not interested in pursuing her in any way shape or form.

There are crazy beast-vampires, a cave troll (seriously, looked exactly like one), a vampire queen who we barely see or hear about but I was totally rooting for, human-vampires, old-west gunslinging and what-not and lots of other things happening. Despite all of these other things happening, easily 64% of the movie is this:

Someone was really proud of those motorcycles is all I'm saying. And if I can digress for a moment's not-really-spoilers nitpick: At points in the movie we see our characters on these open motorcycles going upwards of 200mph across the desert. I don't know if you've ever stuck your head out a car window (or ridden a motorcycle I suppose), but it becomes extremely difficult to breath once you hit about 60. Watch your dog sometime, he'll pull his head in around 45-50. And yet, our heroes seem to have no problems. Now, there is a scene where the pull up somewhere and take off both goggles and pull off respirators - which would explain how they manage to breath. But it's one scene in what is, dead serious, 64% of the movie. The rest of the time I kept expecting them to blackout and fall over mid-ride.

Anyway, back to the review.

On the plus side the CG was good, nothing to complain about and for the most part blended seamlessly with the movie. I would like to meet whoever did the matte-painting of the cities because they were pretty awesome. The vampires had some issues with actually being in the scene, not just comped in, but all in all the effects were enjoyable and were it not for the plot issues I'd say might be worth the money for 3D (even though it wasn't filmed in 3D and it irks me to pay an extra $6 for an often poorly rendered visual effect).

This movie had one of two major problems - and I find it hard to write about because I'm not sure which exactly it was suffering from. And the two are exact opposites. Either:

A) Priest had too many plotlines. I only cared about maybe two and the rest were boring and felt like filler. I HATED the sheriff character and wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face several times and tell him to STFU - Cam Gigandet did his best to sell the character, but he wasn't given an awful lot to work with. It should have been pared down to just Paul Bettany and Karl Urban - although the 'plot' concerning Urban's character could have been dropped too and just left him in for the pretty value. I enjoyed the character, don't get me wrong, but his motivations were never fleshed out enough to make him interesting. If they had cut everything down to just Bettany and made it into a futuristic vampire version of Taken it might have stood a chance.

B) There wasn't enough plot. I felt like there was this whole world to be explored - mysteries and intrigues and mythology that just never got touched upon. Is this story earth? Apparently not because humans and vampires have supposedly been engaged in a bloody war forever - not just recently. But if it's not earth - why the hell do they have the same bizarre church with the same bizarre mythology? Who made the priests? Why does vampiring work the way it does? How vampires work at all isn't really explained and some of the things that were said seem to contradict each other.

Somehow, defying all odds and logic to how stories work, Priest managed to stay perfectly between these two. The result of which is it had exactly the wrong amount of plot.

[Note: Okay, I know it was a comic book and thus the original source will likely answer some of my questions - but don't ever adapt something that can't stand on its own. It's like, the first rule of making an adaptation. See: Why Lord of the Rings was 10 hours long.]

[Note 2: I'm going to say right here, before I go any further, that I would LOVE to see a director's cut of this. I sincerely hope that they just cut too much out for the movie to stand up on its own. An editing mistake rather than 'this whole movie is awful' mistake.]

All props to Paul Bettany - and lord knows I love that man and I would go see anything he was in because he succeeds splendidly more times than he fails spectacularly - but this movie was just not good. And it was trying too hard to be good to be awesomely bad. Both he and Karl Urban acted their hearts out - and you could tell for sure that Urban was enjoying himself immensely - but you can give an Oscar-worthy performance in a movie and it won't change the fact that it's about Catholic Old West Vampires.

I feel like this movie should have been to vampires what Firefly was to scifi. A different take on an old formula that might have revitalized an entire genre. And maybe as a comic book it was. But as a movie, Priest lacks the charm to be endearing, the polish to be dramatic, and the cajones to be scary. All in all, it failed as a movie at the most basic levels.

With all the love in my heart for Mr Bettany and Mr Urban, I wish I had my $9 back.

The Lord of the Green Lantern

Have I ever told you my theory that the Rings of Power are in fact copies of the Green Lantern Power Ring - and that the Dark Lord Sauron was for some time a Green Lantern?

No? Oh, this story is awesome.

Also, I know that the true Lord of the Rings and Green Lantern fanboys (and girls) out there are going to vilify me for this and point out a dozen inconsistencies, but I do not care. Shuddup.

Also awesome, this picture. Look at how awesome it is. I made this (okay, I gimped this).

One ring to rule them in brightest day
One ring to bind them in blackest night
Beware my power... in the darkness where the shadows lie!

After the fall of Morgoth (I’ve already lost a few of you haven’t I?) Sauron at first tried to make good with the Valar on Eä but they wanted him to redeem himself and he wasn’t really up for that. Instead, he went into the lands of Middle-Earth to set himself up as a kind of god-king. He won over the humans and dwarfs pretty easily, but the elves still had a bee in their bonnet about the whole Island of Werewolves incident and those sisters don’t ever let nothin’ go, you follow?

Please keep in mind this is a simplified version of events and if you want the long version go read the Silmarillion and may the Lords of Valar have mercy on your soul because I sure as hell am not doing that again.

Now the annals of Middle-Earth history say that at this point Sauron disguised himself and went to the elves so that they would forge the nineteen rings of power, then forged his own in secret to have dominion over the others.

I'm not buyin' it. For all his bluster and might, Sauron was not the brightest bulb on the porch. Here’s my theory: after conquering the lands of men as a (seemingly) beneficial god, Sauron fell under the attention of the Guardians. Who were, in fact, the Valar who had chosen not to journey to Eä and instead stayed on Oa. I note here the similarity of the two names. Noted? Good.

The Guardians had, in their time, seen that the universe needed protectors and they – unwisely it turns out – offered the job of policing sector 2814 to Sauron who they knew to have been involved in the War of Wrath; even if they did not fully understand his involvement as it turns out. So they give him a Green Lantern Ring.

What an alarmingly bad idea.

Sauron goes to town, turns the men and dwarfs to his rule, but the elves possess their own strong magic and resist. This is shit up with which Sauron will not put. He spends years studying the ring, trying to figure out how he can use it to turn the elves to him. Eventually, he hits on the idea of seducing the elves to him with their own rings of power. Since they will be, in truth, mere copies of his he will ultimately have dominion over them through their own rings. The Guardians or Valar or whatever you want to call them handed Sauron control of Middle-Earth on a platter. As we know, the elves are not as dumb as their blonde hair would suggest and this goes very badly.

Sauron's ring is taken from him, but it will not bend to the will of its new owner. Sauron has invested so much of himself in his Ring of Power that he becomes little more than the energy contained in it, shining atop Barad-dûr as the embodiment of his own lantern until he can be reunited with his ring.

So yeah, to recap here: the One Ring was actually a Ring of Power, and Sauron was Earth’s first Green Lantern.

Thoughts?


*Note: Sauron's original name was Mairon, which if you're like me you'll read as Marion. Congratulations, the Dark Lord is 115% less terrifying. Also, lantern doesn't look like a word anymore.

Tattoo!

I got a new tattoo yesterday - and it is a product of how subsumed I am in twitter that it has taken me a whole day to get around to posting about it on my blog. So, sorry about that?

I have been holding on to this idea for a while, mainly because money has been (and still is) very tight. However, my birthday was Sunday and I got some moneys and I decided, What the Hell, let's do this.

The idea for the tattoo comes from The Lord of the Rings:

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king

I did debate with myself on whether to get "Deep roots are not touched by the frost," but ultimately decided that other parts of the poem spoke to me more. So away I went to Skinworks - your place for fine tattooing, and the lovely people who did my first four.

The man was responsible for the process (and yes, that is me he's working on) was named Phil, and if you know him, tell him I said Hi and that it's healing better than he expected - even if it's still kind of early to tell.


And the final result was this

written in Bilbo Baggins' handwriting.

Please ignore how scary pale my foot is. It always looks like that.

I know for a fact I am not the only person to have this phrase tattooed on them, but I am the only person I know of to have it tattooed across their foot. Which is, coincidentally, the only place I would want to have it. It just made the most sense.

For those of you curious, the arch of the foot did not hurt that much. In fact, I'd say it was the least painful of the tats I've gotten. Anyone keeping score at home, wrist was by far the worst.

I luff you internets

Dear internet,

I love you. Making friends in real life is super hard. People are difficult and they give me funny looks when I start talking about my Green Lantern theories and why Adama and Roslin are the greatest TV couple of all time. If I do manage to contain my geekery long enough to make friends with normal people, I then have to try and contain myself when in their company. I repeat, it's hard work.

But not you internet. You filter the crazy/geeky/nerdy people right to me. Whether it's on twitter or some forum, you have a way of sending the people my way who understand and appreciate me for being the absolute loon that I am. Who get the Lost references and come back at me with Star Wars trivia. I mean, where else am I going to find someone to mail me a high fantasy series?

My real life friends call me nerd - a badge I wear proudly, but they're not saying it proudly. They're saying it in that way you do when you sneer a little. It is, in short, a slur. Internet friends call me nerd and you can hear (read, whatever) the smile in their voices when they do. It's nice.

I love you internets, but people of the internets, I love you more.

Hugs and Kisses,
The Heroine

The Brass Bed Review

{So here’s what happened. For my Sony test-driving requirement I have to review a Harlequin romance. I wrote the following review, then realised it was a Random House romance I picked up for free. So... my bad. But here it is anyway.}

The Brass Bed
Jennifer Stevenson
Random House
Fantasy

Grade: D+

So in the first few pages of The Brass Bed we are introduced to the idea that there is magic in these here worldly waters. The sky is developing some sort of pink haze/fog and pigeons are smoking cigarettes. Why? I do not know. Me of the future, having finished the book, is there a reason the pigeons are puffing up? No, although the pink fog is caused by road rage and occasionally eats people. So there’s that.

Our main character, Jewel Heiss, has been sent by her not-quite-a-cop boss to follow his wife whom he suspect has been knocking boots with a certain someone (and while he himself has had numerous affairs, pity the wife who does the same). This particular someone is also charging the wife $350 a pop that she’s putting on her credit card as a ‘sex therapist’. Seriously? This is the crack criminal mind that Jewel has been sent to decipher? After telling us that the wife can be “slippery as pup shit”, Jewel then gets her to confess to having mind-blowing sex every time she sees him within two paragraphs.

Then, under some sort of misguided attempt to bring the man in on fraud charges, Jewel ends up in the ‘sex therapist’s’ office where she falls asleep on the large brass bed that the wife has had her ‘experiences’ on. She even thinks to herself that the wife was there not two hours before. And yet, she still lies down.

Our girl is as dumb as a box of rocks.

She does, however, have mind-blowing sex with a swan. In a dream. And while my kink flag flies high, there was nothing the least bit sexy about this scene. Come on, if she’s going to have sex with a swan at least let me get turned on by it!

~ahem~ Uh, where was I?

So, the world moves on. It turns out there is an incubus trapped in the bed until he satisfies one hundred women. Jewel is lucky customer one hundred.

A genie shows up but in typical genie fashion grants your wish in the most cumbersome way possible. The incubus living in the bed gets lost, then found. Jewel starts to fall for the sex therapist. If this seems to be going by fast it’s because so little of it was worth remembering and I don’t want to re-read. Also, very little was worth remembering

Jewel, in the style of cop stories everywhere, gets suspended. Mostly over the whole genie thing. The wife steals the bed which her husband proceeds to destroy. In the interim, she and the hubby make-up before the pink fog can eat them. The bed destroying causes the incubus to take shelter in the backseat of a nearby car where Jewel hops in to have a conspicuous orgasm so that she might again free him..

I could not make this up. Well, I could... but I beg leave to think I could have written it better.

The sex therapist is involved in all of this in a totally contrived way and ends up her partner in the ‘hinky’ division which is exactly half as fun as it sounds. In the meantime, sex therapist is slightly pursuing her for reasons surpassing all human understanding and incubus has to actually love before he is allowed to be free. Maybe.

~deep breath~

And that’s where I quit caring. (Actually I quit caring long before then, but as I thought I was reading this for a review, I powered on.)

None of this is really solved at the end, which promises a sequel The Velvet Chair. I will not be purchasing said book. I can see the wisdom behind releasing the first in series for free. Karen Marie Moning sucked me in with Darkfever and I’ve read what there is of the series twice since in two weeks. But you are no KMM Ms. Stevenson. I appreciate the effort, but yours is a name I will avoid until informed otherwise.