Looper

Soo... I saw Looper last weekend and I've spent this weekend thinking about it and what my feelings are.

First off, there's a moment early on when you first see Joseph Gordon-Levitt in his Bruce Willis make-up where part of you genuinely freaks out a little and it's very uncanny valley. When I first saw the trailers I had the same reaction. But after a little bit you start to see the little smirks and eyebrow raises (at one point JGL checks his hairline in a mirror and I started giggling uncontrollably for about five minutes). After a little bit I was more enthralled with how well Gordon-Levitt plays Bruce Willis. And in the end he's as much playing Willis as he is playing the Looper character. He is supremely believable in the role and I totally bought the younger/older version of one person way more than I have in other movies.

So onto the plot which is more straight-forward than it seems. There are a group of Hitmen known as 'Loopers'. They sign up for a big paycheck in the present to kill people sent back from the future. They get their payout when they kill their Future-Self. Present-Person gets 30 years of fine living until their loop runs out and they get sent back to be killed by their younger self. In Looper, Future-Joe makes a run for it instead of waiting to be shot by his Present-Self. He goes on a quest to prevent some terrible things in the future, causing Present-Joe to have to chase him.

And that's all I want to say before I get into the serious spoilers I'm going to go into below.

There's an interesting question here that if someone gets hit by a bus 20 years in the future does their Present-Self have to work as a Looper that whole 20 years? They only get to quit when their loop closes so if their loop doesn't close do they have to work forever? Or does the Future-Mob send a note back on someone?

There is a great side-bit part played by Jeff Daniels that is absolutely fantastic but I don't want to give any of him away.

I walked out of this movie with mixed feelings (mainly because of the ending) but the more I think on it the more I just absolutely love it. The movie take a subject that any two geeks can argue for days about and presents it in a way that has a logical consistency to it. Which is impressive in and of itself. The human drama is okay and there are some pretty unexpected twists in there that I really enjoyed when they came around. I'm not sure it will make my list of top tem movies, but I'd definitely put it in the top 25.

I was going to mark out spoilers about my thoughts on the time-travel aspect but it's fairly long so I'm just going to put it under a cut instead. Spoilers Ahoy, click at your own risk!

Actual conversation after the ending of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

John: Actually, when Lincoln gave the Gettysburg address no one cheered, everyone thought it was shit.

Me: That's what you're choosing to nitpick over?

Snow White and The Huntsman

If this movie was a fourth-grader, I would rate it as 'Exceeds Expectations'. I did not have high hopes for this movie, even considering I thought it looked beautiful and have been waiting for it for some time.

The plot is pretty much basic Snow White. Evil queen takes over kingdom, banishing young princess in some way. Princess escapes into forest, pursued by huntsman. Dwarves are met and help Snow White defeat the evil queen. The land rejoices.

But this movie grows up in many ways from the more traditional tellings - and is much truer to the original feel of the fairy tale (much darker).

I have to say, I like badass retellings of famous fairy tales. I like seeing the damsel in distress pick herself up and kick some ass. It's nice and really validates to me how much I loved these stories as a kid, and how much I still do. Seeing Snow White pick up her sword and charge the castle at the head of her own army is a big cheering moment.

The dwarves are one of the high points of the film - although after seeing Peter Dinklage do his thing in Game of Thrones, I'm wondering why they used full sized humans and visual effects instead of casting actual dwarves. (Is that correct? What's the PC term?) But they are awesome, a little bit of comic relief without undermining their own pain at the land dying around them.

(Note: There were occasions when I had no idea whatsoever what the dwarves and occasionally the Huntsman were saying. A combination of their accents and their deep, gruff, gravelly, 'I've seen things you can't even imagine' voices. It meant I missed things I'm super curious about.)

I've seen lots of people, and reviewers, taking exception on if this Snow White is objectively fairier than the Queen (that Kristen Stewart is more beautiful than Charlize Theron). They seem to take it as a plot device that you just have to buy into in order for the movie to move forward. But I disagree. Not that Kirsten is better looking than Charlize - that's a matter of preference and I think both are gorgeous. But on which is fairer. In that case, it's no contest between them. For all her beauty and poise, the Queen is not fair, she's not beautiful on the inside. Whereas Snow White is beautiful inside and out. She has compassion and joy in life where the Queen is bitter and angry. The word choice here is important, Who is the fairest of them all? The queen nominally qualifies, she is gorgeous - but Snow White is the whole package.

Another part of the movie that seems strange is the love interest angle. The movie definitely moves towards the idea that Snow White and the Huntsman belong together - the other love interest (the more appropriate one) gets short shrifted throughout the movie. It's a little confusing when you're watching because what seems like the designated love interest is extraneous to the move. Spoilers: In fact, it's the Huntsman who's kiss wakes Snow White from the apple bite. Looking at casting news, it looks like the originally had much older men in mind for the role: Viggo Mortenson, Hugh Jackman. And except for that one moment, the movie plays the Huntsman as being much older and more of a father/mentor than a love interest. But how could you waste Chris Hemsworth like that? The result is a weird dynamic between the three, and a scene that seems slotted in. Also, no clean ending to any of the romance.

Which is nice, because this movie, this story, isn't about Snow White finding the love of her life - or finding some to save her from the evils of the world. It's about her confronting her own fears and finding her own way. Becoming her own woman. I love to watch people fall in love - but on looking back I'm actually glad the movie ends on her becoming queen - not getting married or a kiss, but her standing in her crown in the moment she has earned.

So as usual I've glossed over the plot, which is fine, it's what I do. But I'll finish this fairly short review with I enjoyed the movie. Would like to see it again (not for $11 - but sometime) and will probably get the DVD.

IT - The Movie

Why am I doing this?

Let the liveblog of IT - the movie - commence...

You know what, the scariest part of the book for me is the beginning with Georgie. The movie starts no different, as I'm typing there are some cheap thrills with blood leaking from Georgie's picture and the thing itself winking at him - but the moment where little adorable Georgie and the clown chat is undercut with such menace that it gives me shivers. I'm sitting here thinking that there's no way that Pennywise will get him because he's just too adorable for words. But of course that makes no difference in this world.

Adult Bill is a jackass, for the record. He's mean to Audra and I can totally see why he'll end up cheating on her down the line.

Adult Ben is about the weirdest flirt there is "Would you believe I used to be fat. Like butterball fat. Fat fat fat. You have no conception of how fat I was."

In the book, the whole thing with Henry Bowers seems natural - if evil. In the movie it feels very forced. They're being assholes because the script calls for it - not because they have any reason to (evil or otherwise).

Adult Beverly gets away with little fuss. Young Beverly also has some trouble and there's instant attraction between Bill & Bev. Suddenly, I'm remembering the 'Let's fuck for hope' scene in the book and I'm having a bad feeling.

Seth Green is cute as shit as Richie, although he looks at least five years older than everyone else. Young Stanley looks familiar, but IMDB says it's the only thing he's ever been in so....

The kid's families inability to see the weirdness works much better on film than in the book though.

Tim Curry is obviously having the time of his life being Pennywise which means I'm having trouble being scared by it. Or It I suppose. I know I'm supposed to be, but I'm not.

Well, I'm happy to see that movie kids have the good sense to bring flashlights into the sewers with them - instead of matches like a bunch of dumbasses.

OH! I just realized who Stanley looks like - Joseph Gordon-Levitt. It's not him, but

LOL Henry's hair turns white - from fright I can only assume. I totally lost my train of thought when that happened.

I want to also point out I keep pausing the movie to do other things because I'm more than a little bored. Why is this 3-hours long!?! I looked up some online reviews and most people are like, the book is over 1,000 pages of course the movie is three-hours.

But you know what? The book is about 800 pages too long too.

And I missed the climax of the kid's part while I was typing that. It was pretty anti-climatic, actually. Am I jaded by modern movies? The answer is yes.

This is the part in the book where Bev has sex with everyone - 12-year-old Bev I want to clarify. I don't want you to think this is in any way okay. Thankfully the movie is skipping that nonsense.

Oh no, adult Stan just killed himself.   :(    <-- sadface is sad

End part One. I guess. My DVD just stopped. Maybe that's all of the movie I get.

--------

So there is a Part Two.

Ha, I just noticed that the scene selection thing - which is a balloon - goes to a blood splatter when you select something.

Fuck you Tim Curry, you're starting to actually freak me out more than a little. Stop that shit.

*cough* Anyways...

Richie drives into town and is much more perturbed by the Paramount having closed down than the fact that it got renamed from the Aladdin between the book and movie.

Should I be laughing at Pennywise's antics in the library? Probably not, but damn it Tim Curry, quit having such a good time!

I read somewhere that that's Tim Curry's actual hair, dyed one can only assume. If it's not, nobody disillusion me of this pleasethanks.

Why and how are we still having flashbacks? We already saw them defeat the monster in the first part.

It is really a 50/50 thing for me. Either I'm entertained by Tim Curry and how awesome he is - or he's scaring the crap out of me. No middle ground of 'Oh look, it's Tim Curry.'

FISGZSKHJA;BFDKLN WHY IS NICE OLD MAN SPEAKING WITH PENNYWISE VOICE!?! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

And they're all meeting up at the Chinese restaurant but they don't know that Stanley is dead.

:(  <-- sadface

Ominous fortune cookies are ominous. And... there they go. Ew ew ew ew. Never eating a fortune cookie again. Wait, is the turtle in the movie? Oh please oh please, I have been so good this year. {Note from the future: there's no turtle in this movie.}

I will never look at balloons the same way again and talking heads are freaky even without going on in the Pennywise voice.

Awwww, Henry Bowers grew into everyone's favorite uncle.  The slightly crazy one who rents R movies for you and your friends. I'm not sure I can be scared of this guy. And FUCK ALL THIS TALKING IN PENNYWISE VOICE SHIT. NO MORE. I say. NO MORE.

HAHAHAHAHA Dog in a clown costume! Dog in a clown costume! HAHAHAHA. Thanks for that movie.

So here's a side story, when I was about eleven or twelve I saw the Disney version of The Three Musketeers on video*. My best friend and I instantly fell in love with the whole thing and since then I can say, with no exaggeration, I've seen it well over 100 times. I know the Sting/Bryan Adams/ Rod Stewart song pretty much by heart. [Let's make it all for one/ and all for love!] This is the version with all the eye-candy - Keifer Sutherland, a young (ie not [very] drug-addled) Charlie Sheen, a fairly slim Oliver Platt, Chris O'Donnell and a vicious and awesome Tim Curry as the villain. Now, I know Tim Curry is not exactly an attractive man. You know this too, even if you are attracted to him. He objectively looks evil. But for some reason he was probably my first villain crush. If you don't count Hexxus in Fern Gully who, in his first song, caused me to spontaneously enter puberty. Is it coincidence he was also voiced by Tim Curry? I think not.

What I'm trying to say here is I have a sort of love/lust/hate relationship with Tim Curry. He equal parts freaks me out and turns me on. So when, in the course of this movie, Pennywise starts growling "Don't you want it?" over and over... I kind of got a hot and bothered until I actually looked up at the TV and saw that giant clown face with glowing eyes and pointy teeth. My future sexual fantasies are going to be fucking weird.

* For those of you born after 1990, videos were the things that came before DVDs and they were a giant pain in the ass. You couldn't just skip to parts you liked, but had to wait while the VCR mechanically spooled the tape in the direction you indicated. There were no bonus features except occasionally previews for upcoming movies which if you tried to skip you ran the risk of missing the first part of the movie too. They sucked. People of the past should be ashamed of themselves.

Moving on!

Why is Mike Hanlon staying at the hotel? Did I miss the part where this was explained? Wait! Henry Bowers uses sneak attack! It is super effective!

Is Bev going to screw Ben instead of Bill? Okay, I can get behind that. So can he apparently.

Ba-dump-cha! Thank you, I'm here all week.

WHAT THE HOLY FUCK THAT WAS PENNYWISE?!? Ben does not harbor the same conflicting desires for Pennywise as I do it seems. That's probably for the best.

And there goes Henry.   :(   <-- sadface is getting too much use

"Why is It so mean?!" HAHAHAHA Bev. Really? In the cuddle with Ben she starts saying the same thing Pennywise did in his cuddle with Ben (Ben gets all the cuddles). And Ben freaks the fuck out. Rightfully so. Bill gets no action in this movie.

Wait, this is new. Ten years ago Mike went to find It. It gave him grey hair. I'm not sure what this new scene is accomplishing.

I zoned out for a bit, I think they're going after It. Yep, there they go. With flashlights again. Good boys. And Bev. Who's been pretty useless I must say.

ACK. Georgie's boat is creepy, and why are you standing over a drain? You know that's how It comes. Bill taunts It while continuing to stand over the drain because he is an IDIOT.

Pennywise shows up to taunt them, and I have a sneaking feeling this might be the last time we see him as the book ends with a giant spider, not the clown. Also a turtle. Please let there be a turtle.

Awww, Eddie fesses up to not being married (which he is in the book) and to being a virgin - which in the book Bev relieves him of. So I'm super confused right now. Also, Eddie dies doesn't he? This is all kinds of sad. {Note from the future: And pointless.)

Matte-painting of spiderwebs is interesting. Giant 80s effect spider is meh. Close-ups are better.

Bill gets hypnotized, Ben runs in to help and gets hypnotized. Richie makes the losers 0 for 3. I'm not sure where Bev went but Eddie comes to the rescue with his inhaler. Well, sort of. The spider kind of mostly starts eating him. But Bev shoots it. Not killing it. It runs away so they give chase (leaving a [dead?] Eddie behind).

Then they attack it with their bare hands and it's HILARIOUS. They pull out its heart and it dies. Yes, I'm not capitalizing it in this case because the spider is not It. Whatevs.

But they DO carry Eddie out of the sewers which is nice. It bugged me in the book that they left him down there.

Wait, the town didn't collapse on itself? That's bullshit. The idea that Derry is part of It was intrinsic to the book. Leaving that out makes the whole thing just, meaner, somehow. It means that the adults turned away because they were genuinely bad, that Henry Bowers was literally a psycho, that all of the murders remain mostly uninvestigated because the police are douches. This is not good cricket, movie version of book. Not good cricket at all.

But we do get the bicycle ride of hilarity which magically heals his wife for no discernible reason. Which means It has left me giggling rather than scared.

So that's nice.

WHY IS PENNYWISE LAUGHING AT THE END OF MY MOVIE? WHY ARE WE ENDING ON CIRCUS MUSIC? NOTHING IS BEAUTIFUL AND EVERYTHING HURTS.

I'm going to watch some My Little Pony now. Fuck this shit.

-------

My reading of It...

IT Part One
IT Part Two
IT - Intermission 
IT Part Two (redux)
IT Part Three
IT Part Four
IT Part Five

Highlander

The following are my tweettastic real-time reviews of Highlander which I watched for the first time about two weeks ago. (I've reversed the order so it reads like a normally written post. You're welcome.)

+++

Who's ready for twitterspam? And guess who found out they have Highlander on Netflix instant? (Hint: these things are connected)

I tried watching this once in college and fell asleep (I was drunk, cut me some slack). Have never tried again.

Impressed with opening music. Might be my new ringtone.[Note from the future, it is.]

#Highlander already contains wrestling and bizarre sexualization of children. Weird things to forget, me.

Scotland looks nothing like a WWF match.#obviousmaybe

.@raging3vil I'm already super entertained by the hair. It can only really go down from here.

heh. Our "hero"(?) just did way more injury to himself than the bad guy did.

Christopher Lambert has the same kind of look about him as James Purefoy. I like James Purefoy.

While I was distracted we've killed the bad guy and caused his soul to... go into a car? Wait, what?

@nerdheroine You've NEVER seen Highlander all the way through? O_O #lossofnerdcred

@glossaria Fell asleep, blacked out, you know... shit happens.

Connor rides lack a sack of potatoes. I'm a little disappointed in him.

Ooh, nice armor. Good choice in bonewear for the fashionable evil overlord.

"Nobody will fight me." *is immediately stabnated by the first person to fight him* #hahaha

@nerdheroine THANK YOU! I have been laughing at that for years now.

@Anachronistic Ok. I'm glad I'm not the only person who thought that was silly. And HILARIOUS.

Who called the cops? There was no one in that parking garage.

Awesome mohawk on the somethingth century priest. Was LA running low on out of work actors?

Connor's headless explanation makes as much sense as anything else.

Ok guys, if you ever travel back in time, it's impossible to menacingly put a tape into a tapedeck.

I was going to make an exception for Mr Blonde but he was futzing with a radio, not a tapedeck. #ReservoirDogs

80s hookers had the best* clothes.(*ymmv)

This is movie is just making me want to make out with James Purefoy. #Highlander #nottheintendedresponseimsure

How does a Scottish guy pronounce Glenmorangie wrong? I have serious doubt about this documentary's verisimilitude. #Highlander

In retrospect, I think I have seen all of #Highlander2

"Hey, hold it right there. Come back here." The police kind of suck in 80s New York.

Wow, somethingth century justice was fierce. Although justice may not be the word I'm looking for.

Oooohh... can I have a secret room like that for all my treasures*? #Highlander (*comic books)

"I am Juan Sanchez Jose Carlos any-other-Spanish-sounding-names-you-can-think-of Ramirez. Ignore the accent. I'm totes legit."

But loving the peacock feathers Ramirez. Work it baby

Immortals are always extravagantly wealthy. I could live a thousand years and I'd still be broke as shit.

I am endlessly entertained by Sean Connery's protestations of not being Scottish.

Your woman is laughing at you man. Better sharpen up.

I hope he makes you go get that sword McLeod. What are you two doing fighting on top of a cliff anyway?

Apples always seem anachronistic to me in period films. But I guess they're not.

For the love of... When you get killed I'm not going to feel the least bit sorry. You had loads of chances to get out of there.

Where the hell is Connor in this lightning storm? Eh? Eh? #suspicious

Goddamn it Heather, I told you to get out of there.

Effin' Nazis man. Always screwing shit up.

I think antiquities chick has a Bat'leth on her wall

And on an even MORE AWESOME note: Firefox already had Bat'leth in it's dictionary. At least, it did... #StarTrek

Best earrings ever! ultimatequeen.co.uk/videos/images/…

I understand the New York is a unique place, but why would the New York police dept need an expert in ancient metallurgy?

Heather didn't die (then). I'm disappointed.

Best. Duel. Ever.

I have a feeling guy with the automatic is going to be sorely surprised here shortly.

I like old skool, non CG pyrotechnics. They're pretty rad.

I just noticed 80s women have the exact same hairdos as somethingth century Scottish men.

My attention is wandering. I think this about when I totally nodded off the last time I tried to watch this.

Ugh. I just noticed the safety pins hanging from Kurgan's throat wound. ew ew ew

Oh shit. I don't think Connor knew Heather got raped.

Who interrupts the evil looking guy indulging in an even eviler laugh in church?

Ugh ugh ugh! And now licking the priest? Dude. Pithy comment and pirouette non-withstanding, you're bizarre.

@nerdheroine Sarah Connor?

I interrupt your #Highlander tweetspam to say, @T800_Skynet just asked if Connor was Sarah Connor. And I'm literally LMAO.

Judging by how his floor fits together, I think Connor has a hidden staircase built in there.

Stab guy then kiss him? Seems very backwards. And now the sexing.

Women in movies are dumb as rocks.

Oh wow, everyone's make-up and prosthetics are showing in this final fight scene.

Kurgan is a dumbass. Or as my grandfather would have said, "Ain't the sharpest tool in the shed."

There can be only one! #Highlander #glassplosion

Those cartoon monsters are pretty awesome.

Nothing you've done is going to stop that chick from dying in ~60 years. You know that right?

Hrmmm, #Highlander was okay. Not awesome enough for me, but not quite bad enough to be awesome either. Would not say no to seeing again.

Apollo 18

(I forgot to hit post on this back in Sept. My bad)

Holy shit people. At one point, with my feet in the seat and my hands over my ears I was squinting at the screen waiting for the bad thing I just knew was coming and realized that the thump-thump, thump-thump I was hearing wasn't onscreen, but my own goddamn heartbeat. My heart has not beat that hard for that long ever.

When the movie finished I think I was in legitimate medical shock. I was laughing hysterically and shaking. I couldn't take my eyes off the screen.

Holy shit.

Best
Movie
EVER.

Like many of the movie that have come out the last few years, Apollo 18 claims to be a 'found' movie - cobbled together from footage rather than actually filmed. In some cases this can be ridiculous as the production values give away the secret, no matter how much shaky-cam you have. (I'm looking at you Cloverfield). In Apollo 18 the film is scratchy, the colors occasionally over-exposed - I could actually buy into the concept that this was footage from the 1970s.

And that's what makes this movie so scary. You know it's just a movie - you're not watching some special on the History Channel (which has lost all credibility so I wouldn't have been surprised if it was), but you can believe that you are. There's no soundtrack, and the cameras are either stationary on the lunar lander or the handheld ones from the astronauts.

The scariest moments come in snippets - not when things are jumping at you - which by and large they don't. This isn't really a loud noises and bloody movie. It's noticing things moving where they shouldn't be, details and minutiae that you as the viewer are privy too but the astronauts are not. You watch it build up, over and over and over again until you're wound so tight you feel like you might just burst. And the really awful part is?

It never lets up. By the time the credits rolled I was shaking. I started laughing at myself for being so shook up, which quickly took on the edge of hysteria.

Now okay, fine, I'm not a horror movie person so this movie might have been chock full of clichés (I hear it was) of the 'found movie' genre. But since I'm not a scary movie person, they were all new and intensely terrifying to me.

I don't want to ruin a moment, I don't want you to not see it because I say something that makes it sound stupid. Go to the theatre, go rent it, watch it in a darkened room and then go outside and take a good long look into the night sky.

And your doom.

Priest

Priest takes place in a world where, due to a war with the extremely superior vampires, humanity has taken refuge in large city-state compounds where they are protected by a dominant and creepy church. A church that seems to have forgotten half of scripture - or maybe in this world the Bible reads "Let humans rule over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. Except vampires. Seriously, those guys will fuck you up." To combat the vampires, priests are created/born/magicked/summoned/trained (it's not really made clear) to fight the vampires and they do a damn good job as by the time the movie begins vampires are all but eradicted.

Enter the plot: A young girl who is related to our main character is kidnapped by vampires, including vampire Karl Urban. She is a lot more upset by this than I would be. Our hero, who doesn't have a name, sets off on an epic quest to rescue her - defying the church and picking up some help along the way. His non-spoilery help is an outland sheriff. His spoiler help is another priest, this one a woman who is desperately in love with him - one can only assume because he is Paul Bettany since he's quite clearly not interested in pursuing her in any way shape or form.

There are crazy beast-vampires, a cave troll (seriously, looked exactly like one), a vampire queen who we barely see or hear about but I was totally rooting for, human-vampires, old-west gunslinging and what-not and lots of other things happening. Despite all of these other things happening, easily 64% of the movie is this:

Someone was really proud of those motorcycles is all I'm saying. And if I can digress for a moment's not-really-spoilers nitpick: At points in the movie we see our characters on these open motorcycles going upwards of 200mph across the desert. I don't know if you've ever stuck your head out a car window (or ridden a motorcycle I suppose), but it becomes extremely difficult to breath once you hit about 60. Watch your dog sometime, he'll pull his head in around 45-50. And yet, our heroes seem to have no problems. Now, there is a scene where the pull up somewhere and take off both goggles and pull off respirators - which would explain how they manage to breath. But it's one scene in what is, dead serious, 64% of the movie. The rest of the time I kept expecting them to blackout and fall over mid-ride.

Anyway, back to the review.

On the plus side the CG was good, nothing to complain about and for the most part blended seamlessly with the movie. I would like to meet whoever did the matte-painting of the cities because they were pretty awesome. The vampires had some issues with actually being in the scene, not just comped in, but all in all the effects were enjoyable and were it not for the plot issues I'd say might be worth the money for 3D (even though it wasn't filmed in 3D and it irks me to pay an extra $6 for an often poorly rendered visual effect).

This movie had one of two major problems - and I find it hard to write about because I'm not sure which exactly it was suffering from. And the two are exact opposites. Either:

A) Priest had too many plotlines. I only cared about maybe two and the rest were boring and felt like filler. I HATED the sheriff character and wanted nothing more than to punch him in the face several times and tell him to STFU - Cam Gigandet did his best to sell the character, but he wasn't given an awful lot to work with. It should have been pared down to just Paul Bettany and Karl Urban - although the 'plot' concerning Urban's character could have been dropped too and just left him in for the pretty value. I enjoyed the character, don't get me wrong, but his motivations were never fleshed out enough to make him interesting. If they had cut everything down to just Bettany and made it into a futuristic vampire version of Taken it might have stood a chance.

B) There wasn't enough plot. I felt like there was this whole world to be explored - mysteries and intrigues and mythology that just never got touched upon. Is this story earth? Apparently not because humans and vampires have supposedly been engaged in a bloody war forever - not just recently. But if it's not earth - why the hell do they have the same bizarre church with the same bizarre mythology? Who made the priests? Why does vampiring work the way it does? How vampires work at all isn't really explained and some of the things that were said seem to contradict each other.

Somehow, defying all odds and logic to how stories work, Priest managed to stay perfectly between these two. The result of which is it had exactly the wrong amount of plot.

[Note: Okay, I know it was a comic book and thus the original source will likely answer some of my questions - but don't ever adapt something that can't stand on its own. It's like, the first rule of making an adaptation. See: Why Lord of the Rings was 10 hours long.]

[Note 2: I'm going to say right here, before I go any further, that I would LOVE to see a director's cut of this. I sincerely hope that they just cut too much out for the movie to stand up on its own. An editing mistake rather than 'this whole movie is awful' mistake.]

All props to Paul Bettany - and lord knows I love that man and I would go see anything he was in because he succeeds splendidly more times than he fails spectacularly - but this movie was just not good. And it was trying too hard to be good to be awesomely bad. Both he and Karl Urban acted their hearts out - and you could tell for sure that Urban was enjoying himself immensely - but you can give an Oscar-worthy performance in a movie and it won't change the fact that it's about Catholic Old West Vampires.

I feel like this movie should have been to vampires what Firefly was to scifi. A different take on an old formula that might have revitalized an entire genre. And maybe as a comic book it was. But as a movie, Priest lacks the charm to be endearing, the polish to be dramatic, and the cajones to be scary. All in all, it failed as a movie at the most basic levels.

With all the love in my heart for Mr Bettany and Mr Urban, I wish I had my $9 back.

A-Team

Oh my god y'all, how did I miss this when it came out? If my not seeing it in the theaters directly contributes to their not making a sequel I am going to be so mad, you don't even know. I will sign an affidavit that I will go see the sequel.

I love this movie.

I watched A-Team for the first time on Tuesday night while I was making my dinosaur coat (I will blog about my dinosaur coat later, promise). Since Tuesday, I have watched this movie at least three times every day - more on some. And I am no where close to being sick of it. I laugh at the jokes and cheer the action every time. You could not have made a movie better designed to fit my interests.

Do I even need to recap? Or can I make the assumption that if you are reading my blog of all things you have a fair idea of who and what the A-Team are. I have never in my life seen an episode (or at least hadn't before Friday night - yay Netflix), and even I could have given you a basic rundown on the show.

Put four crazy personalities into high-pressure situations, mix in self-deprecating humor and a generous amount of awesome. Sit back and watch it explode.

Quentin Jackson does an amazing Baracus - managing to fill Mr T's shoes without ever feeling like he's making fun or doing an impression. [Similarly, think Zachary Quinto in the new Star Trek.] He had a pretty silly B-plot, but I didn't pay it much heed and you might as well not either.

Bradley Cooper is pretty as always, and although he's not my favorite actor in the world, he plays Face perfectly. That role might as well have been written for the guy. Even at his most smarmy, you still want to take him out for a drink. His entire demeanor when saying "I'm worried!" in the hospital about fifteen minutes in sells the line in a way I can't really imagine anyone doing.

You know who may be my favorite actor in the world? Sharlto Copley. He was amazing in District 9, and as far as I can tell this is only his second major film, and he nails it. He has now gone on the very short list of actors whose films I will see regardless of what the film is about. I think that list is only about three names long at the moment. Watching him play Murdoch was a pleasure - I would shill out the $15 I paid to see Sucker Punch (which I enjoyed, but no where near as much) just to watch two hours of Copley playing Murdoch.

Lastly, and bestly, is Liam Neeson - the silver-haired fox. Rrowr. He straddles between father-figure and brother-at-arms so deftly that you'd think he was Hannibal. Now, I'll be the first to admit that watching him play what is in essence a comedic role is a significant percentage of what makes the movie so awesome for me. I'm finding myself disappointed he hasn't done more comedy roles - he does serious so well that it's both surprising and awesome to see how well he plays Hannibal's grinning, cigar-chomping mastermind. Also, he's gorgeous. I have a crush, okay? What woman doesn't?

There are some hilarious moments, one with the CIA operatives in a van about two-thirds of the way in that has me in stitches every time. "Hey, final request - don't let this guy shoot me please." Also, any scene with Murdoch, Copley plays him so hilariously insane you can't help but smile every time he appears on screen just in preparation for what he might do.

I'm not going to pretend this is a masterpiece of cinematography - there are parts of the movie and the plans that I am still catching, even on this - my twentieth or so - viewing. But do I care? No. And neither should you. As Hannibal says, "Overkill is underrated." The movie is outrageous, and enjoyable precisely because it is so outrageous. This movie is solid action movie fun.

For the past ten years Negotiator has been my favorite film. Although I only ever watch from about thirty minutes in to thirty minutes out - the bits actually in the building to be frank. But I love every minute of A-Team and it is so totally my new favorite. I'm so pissed I didn't go see it in the theaters. I don't think it was marketed well to the 18-34 year old female demographic, frankly.

If you haven't seen it, get it. If you did and didn't like it, give it another chance. Serious. It deserves it. I pity the fool who doesn't see this movie.

Alpha. Mike. Foxtrot.

Recap

Whoever is in charge of selling this to me, they have done a splendid job of it despite their obvious intentions...

(click to embiggen)

Iron Man 2

Alternate title: Iron Man has a built in garter belt.*

(Spoilers will be hidden behind white text. If you want to read it, highlight it. If it was revealed in the previews I don't consider it a spoiler)

It seems to be par for the course that if someone puts on the cape and tights (or costume of their choice) in their first movie, in the second they will end up facing the Wile E. Coyote Law of Unintended Consequences. What is this law, you might ask? I shall tell you.

No matter if what you do has the desired effect, it will have three at least you never expected, and at least one of those will usually be unpleasant.

In Iron Man’s case, Tony Stark finds that after the events of Iron Man his artificial heart/power source/ battery/ whatever thingmajig is not performing as well as he might hope. Okay, it is in fact killing him. Also, the US government is not happy with a private citizen owning what basically amounts to a one-man army. As much as I am in favor of one’s personal property being exempt from government interference, I can kind of see where they’re coming from with this.

Into all of this comes Ivan Venko, the son of one of Stark Sr’s colleagues back in the day. He’s holding a grudge (rightfully so) about how the Stark’s ended up with all the money and prestige and money for what was in fact a joint project between Papas Venko and Stark. He decides to create a set of lightening whips and go after Tony Stark. You know, as you do. That is certainly my immediate answer when I am holding a lifelong blood feud against someone. Giant lightening whips. Comic book characters have the weirdest set of responses to situations of anyone, ever.

The thing is. You know Ivan Venko is a bad guy the moment he is introduced during the opening credits. He’s plotting to take down the title character, he’s grubby, he’s Russian and he’s being played by Mickey Rourke. In fact, any one of those things should clue you in to his allegiances to the forces of darkness. But when you get down to it, he had a point and I think he was in the right to seek some recompense from the Starks. Now, his methods don’t really bear up under scrutiny (see Lightening Whips) but I couldn’t help but feel for him.

I think it is a testament to the writers and to Robert Downey Jr that despite my sympathies laying with Venko, I was rooting for Stark the whole way. He’s a rich playboy who really has very few redeeming qualities... but we like him. He’s not annoying or ingratiating, we actually enjoy watching him be a total douche to people. Or at least I do. It’s been said before, but if ever there was a role the RDJ was born to play, Tony Stark is it.

Mickey Rourke.... I cannot talk about him in this movie without sharing this anecdote. It is fairly spoilery so: When Venko goes to work for Hammer and hacks his way into the Hammer Industries computer system, he puts on this little pair of reading glasses while he is typing. He’s grubby and gold toothed and looks like a cross between a homeless person and a street fighter and in that moment, typing with those glasses on, he became Sexy Physicist Man and I totally fell in lust. I really loved his portrayal of both Venko and his alter-ego Whiplash. While Whiplash’s “superpower” is based in technology, it is still a very weird character and I think it could have easily been ruined by someone going all Indiana Jones with the whips. Rourke just makes him scary. I flinched when he started slinging those things around.

There is a fair amount of other stuff going on as well. There is a rival weapons dealer and the creation of the Warhammer suit and all kinds of things but my "reviews" were never meant to be summaries, simply an outline of what I liked and disliked. I liked this movie. A lot.

Iron Man (original flavor) was a powerhouse of a movie that found the middle ground between the older comic book movies (Superman, Batman, Batman Returns) and the newer, edgier movies (Batman Begins, Dark Knight and to some extent Wolverine). It took everything that made the Spiderman and X-Men movies good and polished it until it shone. Iron Man 2 does not exceed the original, very few sequels do, but I believe it more than lived up to the promise of the first and I would gladly go see an Iron Man 3 based on this movie alone.



Note: Like the first one, Iron Man 2 has an after credits scene that is more than worth waiting for if you are a comic book fan, or a fan of the comic movies. If you’re not, it’s probably okay to skip out on it.

*Yes, yes he does. I tried to find a picture of it for y'all but just trust me, the paint job on the Iron Man suit is very *ahem* risqué shall we say?

Clash of the Titans

So, there's this little girl sitting in front of me at the theater with her parents. She could not have been more than four or five. I saw her when I sat down and I remember thinking, I'm not sure this is going to be a good movie for somebody that young. Fast forward to about halfway through the movie. A not-so-big-baddie has had his hand chopped off and his dripping blood. Everywhere his blood lands, a giant OMFG scorpion is birthed out of the sand. So the sand starts churning for the first one, and the scorpion begins to arise.... suddenly, from in front of me, I hear the little girl go "Aw crap."

I laughed so hard. She was absolutely the best part of that movie.

That should tell you something I guess. Don't get me wrong: I loved it like cake, but it was by no means a good movie. Neither could it manage to cross the line into "so bad it's good". Instead it's in that middle ground of just plain bad where no movie has a right to be.

Again though, I loved it like cake. Liam Neeson filled cakey goodness... mmmm....

Is it possible to spoil a thirty year old movie? A movie that is in fact older than I am? A movie based on 3,000+ year old myths? Virtually the entire movie is: Monster! [fight monster] Monster! [fight monster] Monster! [fight monster] Monster! [fight monster]

Okay, so what happens is that in times long past Zeus seduced the wife of Acrisius and she had a son named Perseus. I kind of want to stop already to point out that she was at least lucky enough to have Zeus appear in the form of her husband. Others were not so lucky. Actually, in the original myth Zeus appears to Perseus' mother in the form of a golden rain and you know what? I don't even need to make that joke do I?

Gee? Where was I? Anyway, Perseus grows up with an adopted family who hate the gods, and it turns out the gods hate them right back because they get killed before Pete Postlethwaite (a veteran "Hey, it's that guy!") really has a chance to get going which is sad and makes me tear up a little even now.

Man, you can tell I don't have a whole lot to say about the movie when I keep getting sidetracked like this.

Anyway, Zeus is convinced by Hades (Ralph Fiennes who makes a way better Voldemort if you ask me) to punish a city called Argos for not worshiping as they should. Hades tells the city to sacrifice the king's daughter or they will all be fed to the Kraken - which is so not what Zeus told him to do but whatever...

You know what? Let's start over. Perseus goes on quest to find the magical thing to save the people. Magical thing is obtained, the city is saved, there is much rejoicing.

The historian in me who has studied Greek mythology flipped her shit through about 98% of this movie. The person in me who loves bad movies thought it was the most amazing CGI spectacle I have ever seen in my life. So know that. They are very very free with their mythology.

Rant? RANT! Zeus turns into an eagle, that's cool. That's how it's supposed to be. Why oh why did it have to be a bald eagle? Was that really necessary? Did you think we wouldn't like Zeus if he had some sort of generic eagle? Is this an American Zeus? Every time that damn eagle went flying I would die a little inside.

(I do love how Perseus denies that Zeus is his father, despite "Zeus" being in his name for all intents and purposes. Hades even pronounces it Per-Zeus.)

The monster effects were superb and in my opinion pretty damn seamless. Someone, somewhere has mastered the art of CG water which is nice to know. There are scorpions and horsey-birds and ogres and a big f-off KRAKEN. Clash of the Titans Kraken > Pirates of the Caribbean Kraken. By a lot. This was what a kraken is supposed to be, and it doesn't get anywhere near enough screen time in my opinion. I would watch two hours of the Kraken kicking stuff over and drowning people. I totally totally would.

This movie was entirely predictable and a great deal of fun. If you can enjoy a movie without needing it to stimulate your higher reasoning skills in any way whatsoever then this is the movie for you.

(Edited to add: Because of this review I am now the number four hit for the Google search "Zeus bald eagle". I can die happy.)

Movies Anonymous

"Uh... hi. My name is Nerd Heroine and I have bad taste in movies."

"Hi Nerd Heroine."

"I guess it started when I was a teenager. Other kids were talking about how good Braveheart was, I was sitting at home rewatching Tremors over and over."

*concerned mumbling*

"It just got worse and worse. ConAir, Snakes on a Plane, Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country, Young Guns 2. And it wasn't just a little here and there. I got into some really hard stuff: Deep Blue Sea, Alien3, Batman & Robin-"

*gasp*

"I know, I know, but the batsuit had nipples, how could I resist something that awesome?"

"It sounds like you had a real problem, what happened?"

"Oh I did, it got really bad for a while, I was watching the Star Wars Christmas Special and it wasn't even on a dare. Then I met someone, and for the first time I was ashamed. I mean, I never had been before, it never occurred to me that what I was doing was wrong you know? But suddenly I was watching clips on youtube and my DVDs were in a box in the attic. I didn't want him to know. I was terrified he'd find out. And one day, we went to see... oh god, it was awful."

"Let it all out, you'll feel better."

"We saw Terminator: Salvation."

"Oh dear."

"I know! I wasn't even thinking and he asked if I liked it and I just blurted out how great it was. The look in his eyes, I can still see it..."

"It's okay, it's okay. You've been walking a long and lonely road Heroine. Acceptance is the first step toward healing, you're on the right track. We can help you."

*polite clapping*

"Oh no, no, you don't understand. He liked it too! It turns out he doesn't have great taste in movies either!"

"Honey, this man, he's an enabler. You should get far away from him."

"But-"

"No. You need to look inside yourself, do you want to be that person? The one with the crazy DVD collection?"

"Kind of..."

"If you're not serious about getting help you should leave."

"I don't want help, I just want to let you know that there is someone out there for you, someone who will sit on the couch and watch Jaws 3 with you."

"You should leave."

"I'm still working on Batman and Robin, I'm not sure he's ready for that yet..."

"Out."

[All events above are purely fictional and comedic. I went to the midnight showing of Terminator: Salvation by myself. And it was awesome.]

Sherlock Holmes

It is unfortunate that in my life I have only read the collection of Holmesian short-stories which revolve around some hapless person coming to Holmes with a problem. After which, Holmes talks out the explanation for three or four pages without ever leaving 221B Baker Street. Next story.

Which, if the 'unfortunate' in the above paragraph didn't clue you in, kind of sucked. I was never exposed to the finer Holmes stories, Cleolinda assures me they exist, so never understood the fan love.

What this boils down to is I went into the Sherlock Holmes movie with incredibly low expectations.

The movie's basic plot picks up partway through the Sherlock Holmes adventures. Watson is about to move out and marry Mary, Holmes has previously met Irene Adler and he is quite famous already as a detective. The movie opens on an occult ritual being performed by the villainous Lord Blackwood who is apprehended (maybe even on purpose). The main plot revolves around the fact that after being hung for the practice of black magic and murder - in that order I might add - Lord Blackwood rises from the grave to continue being a total badass wizard.*

*Some or all of those facts may have been dramatized for the purposes of this review.

I don't want to go too far into it as the movie is worth watching with as few spoilers as possible (unlike, for example Avatar whose plot you could see coming for miles). I will say that the supernatural plot points have an explanation that won't make you want to throw things.

But what I really want to talk about is HoYay!, cause whoa and damn. If I wasn't as familiar as I am with Holmes I would think they spent all of their off screen time making out. I did actually lean over to my mother partway to whisper "Oh just kiss already". But Holmes is asexual, and I do think that the relationship between Holmes and Watson is a reflection on Holmes's complete inability to form a normal human attachment. He quite simply has no clue how to handle normal human emotions, and the feelings of brotherly love for Watson manifest in odd ways.

On that note, I am choosing to interpret the Irene/Sherlock love as a lot closer to the book's portrayal. I do beleiev that Adler cerainly harbors affection, perhaps lust, for Holmes. But Holmes is more fascinated by her methods, and while his body reacts to her as a woman, his mind is apart from it. They have two kisses, one instigated by Adler while Holmes is unconscious, and one of a more fatherly/brotherly nature from Holmes (not on lips). I originally took the line about Adler getting their old room as a deliberate attempt to misdirect Holmes' brain, when the room in question was the scene of a crime or heist perhaps.

I did love love love the boxing and bartitsu. If you've never heard of bartitsu, it is a martial art that focuses on eastern fighting style with an emphasis on defense using your walking stick. That's right, Sherlock Holmes was considered a master of a martial art that would beat you to death with a cane. The boxing and bartitsu are canon, and often forgotten about amidst the tweed and deerstalker hats.

I truly deeply enjoyed this movie, have already seen it twice in fact. I can highly recommend it to both Doyle fans and people's whose only knowledge of Holmes is the phrase 'no shit Sherlock'.

Avatar

Subtitle: Shut up io9

(A review of the movie and a review of what people think the movie represents socially)

I find it impossible to separate Avatar from the hype surrounding it. I blame the promo monkeys who promised me the world would never be the same again. As such, while I found the movie entertaining on many levels, I can't honestly say whether it was a good movie or not. I was entertained, so let's just go with that for the moment.

Curse you internets!

Basic plot is as such: there is a beautiful planet discovered (actually a moon, but I'm not gonna quibble here) which has a source of very valuable energy known as unobtanium*. Mining of macguffinium is going swell until indigenous peoples (the Na'vi) begin to interfere - what with their living and playing and being generally intrusive into the places the humans want to strip mine. As a way to communicate with the indigenous people, the humans create Na'vi avatars that their scientists can download into and do their best to convince the Na'vi to leave a home that they have populated for thousands if not millions of years.

*It is my honest belief that a screenwriter used unobtanium as a placeholder. As in 'The humans are mining for unobtanium (be sure to replace with something better!)' and a studio exec refused to let them change it once the project was greenlit.

Our hero is an avatar driver who takes the place of his dead identical twin brother. After meeting the Na'vi he becomes a warrior complete with dragon-birdie as his steed. He falls for the chief's daughter and leads the attack when, to no one's surprise, the humans get gun-happy and start destroying ancient homeland in their quest for nocanhazium. An epic battle between humans and Na'vi ensues with our hero on the greatest dragon-birdie of them all while his girlfriend/wife gets to ride a velocikitty.

Notice that at no point did I feel the need to include the fact that our hero's human form is wheelchair-bound since, other than providing an initial reason for him to enjoy being in his avatar, it is completely extraneous to the plot. So why is this presented as a plot point? I don't know, I'll wait for the deleted scenes before passing judgment.

(Also, I don't know how much of Neytiri's vocalization was Zoe Saldana and how much was sound editing, but she really shouldered the burden on making the Na'vi a truly alien race not just in appearance but in movement and sound as well. So props to her for that.)

Pandora (the monet/planoon in question) is visually stunning. If you are one of the seven people who have yet to go, do see it in 3D, you will not get the full effect otherwise. Soaring canopies and beautiful flowers create a backdrop that at times I found myself focusing on more than the actors. The animals are exotic enough to be alien, but recognizable as being a believable lifeform. The blacklighting/glowing seemed a little overboard, but then again I don't live somewhere where native wildlfie lights up the night (lightningbugs, glowing algae and whatnot). If I did, I think I would have been less distracted by the glow-in-the-dark forest.

As for the CGI, it beat every other computer animated movie for a hundred miles with a failstick. It is completely seamless and I found myself wondering if some of the human scenes were CGI as they were identical to the Na'vi scenes. I'm kinda bummed that this movie came out this year as it will likely sweep the technical awards at the oscars and I feel a little sad for Star Trek which had some amazing graphics, but not in the same league as Avatar.

Overall, a visually amazing film with more focus on CGI than plot - but if you've enjoy a summer blockbuster or two in your time, you'll enjoy Avatar.

Now, on to the second half for those who are interested in message and theme and what-not. There has been a lot of noise on the internets about racism and race implication in Avatar and io9 (normally so good) ran an article by Annalee Newitz titled "When will white people quit making movies like "Avatar"?" and at it's basic level, wonders why us white folk continue to make movies where we save aboriginals from things they are apparently too dumb to save themselves. It cited such movies as Dancing with Wolves and The Last Samurai as examples of the white hero going native so that he can become chief and save the people he was sent to kill/convert/whatever.

I went into Avatar with this article in mind, also Geek Girl Diva's piece "Racism in Avatar? My response to io9" which is worth a read and sees the movie as being made from a standpoint of technology vs the little guy. Here's where I jump in, although I tend more to lean towards Geek Girl's Diva interpretation of Avatar, I can look at it from Newitz's point of view and still say you're full of wrong.

Yes, these movies have a common theme, but look at them together. In Dances with Wolves John Dunbar turns his back on his culture to be assimilated by the Natives and eventually use his knowledge of his people to fight against them. In The Last Samurai Nathan Algren is assimilated into Japanese samurai culture where he then uses his experiences as an army captain to fight against his own people. Avatar... I ain't singin' this tune again.

The 'white fantasy' as Newitz calls it, isn't that at all. The common theme here isn't that a white person will instantly become the most awesome member of the group (although that is often the case in these movies) it's a reimagining where, had someone been willing to level the playing field, maybe things would have turned out different. And that's what Dunbar, Algren, and indeed our blue-skinned hero are. They are anti-histories, what would have happened if - and do so while trying to live withing established history (I'm looking at you Inglorious Basterds). I feel I should note that in the two cited cases, it is clearly stated that the culture our white folks are hoping to save was ultimately destroyed. One can assume that the same will eventually happen to the Na'vi as the are blitzed from the air by future mining expeditions.

What we can take away is this: Us white folk like to make movies about level playing fields. If the indigenous people we've treated so poorly in the past had had access to the tactical knowledge and/or weapons that we had, would we still have won? We like an underdog, and we want them to win. So we re-write history so they do. It's not meant to pander to our guilt, but to allow us to hope for the future, when perhaps we will be the ones in danger from above.

In conclusion: shut up io9.

New Moon

Words do not even begin to express how much I don't want to admit to having seen New Moon, on opening day nevertheless. Let's just say I have a friend (A) who is not a lolfan.

The premise will be familiar to virtually everyone who will go see it, but I'll do a recap anyway. Bella Swan and Edward Cullen love a love than has never been loved before. Edward decides - with less evidence than what the first book's actual plot provided - that being around him puts Bella in danger. So he leaves. Bella proceeds to mope for about four months. In the book this is done with symbolically blank pages with the months as headers - in the movie it is done... as well as could be expected actually. Finding out that putting herself in danger let's her see an apparition of Edward. She enlists the help of what should be the third side of a love-triangle, Jacob, but since there is never a doubt that Bella and Edward were meant to be (see the loving of love that has never been loved before) there's not much of a triangle, just some Jacob pity. We discover Jacob is also a mythical monster, Bella nearly kills herself, Edward nearly kills himself, vampires fight, Alice tries to be as awesome as she can with her limited screentime. And in the end, it turns out that Bella and Edward's love wins out. On a move v book note, the movie stuck to the book enough to appease the Twihards, but with enough nods to the lolfans that I was in stitches.

I can think of only one word to describe New Moon - fanservice. Not only are there a half dozen teenage boys who spend 98% of the movie shirtless; but we have a shot of RPatz shirtless, with jeans slung so low you know far to much about his personal grooming habits. Far. Too. Much. The shirtlessness got so silly at one point that the audience was actually giggling. Most of the audience anyway, I was cackling. My cackling led others to let loose and what was meant to be a rather poignant scene between two leads was drowned out by the audiences laughter.

I will say, and it was rather cool, is when the vampires start fighting and getting slammed into marble, you see the marble crack while similar cracks appear on the vampires and I see what u did thar.

I would love to go on, but I'm pretty sure I've already stolen 10+ jokes from Cleolinda Jones unintentionally. So I will leave yo with this list:

Things I mumbled during New Moon:

1. Jaaames Deeeans
2. It's the volvo of great justice!
   
3. You could do so much better [@Jacob]
4. Go to the thugs Bella, end it all now...
   
5. Oh come on!
   
6. Furspolsion!
7. Oh snap (@Alice)
8. Jacob, how could you?
   
9. Oh Edward, you sparkly diva
10. Wait, are those... ew, put your shirt back on.
11. I see what you did there.
    
12. God I hate her so much [@Bella]
13. So much.
    

See what I mean about stealing Cleolinda's jokes? Go read the Twilight recaps, just go (come on, it's called Twilight II: Vampire Boogaloo). My sense of humor about this is obviously compromised beyond all measure.

[I can say this... in the middle of the movie, they go see a movie (a metamovie if you will) called Face Punch that has some of the best dialogue ever. I really wish I'd gone to see that movie.]

The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards

Cleolinda Jones
Grade: A

I don't even know where to start with this book because if you don't know what the Movies in Fifteen Minutes are, you're not going to really get the Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes.

Back in, what was it, '04?, Cleolinda Jones (names have been changed to protect the innocent, that and like me she uses a nom de plume online) wrote a parody/summary of Van Helsing called "Van Helsing in Fifteen Minutes." Others followed, she got a book deal (that hoor) and went on to take the Twilight fandom by storm.

But that's just the backstory, I personally caught up with Cleolinda during the Potterdamurung. Since then, I have been a pretty rabid (hey look! froth!) follower of her blog. When the Compocalypse struck this last August and everything that Cleo had so much as glanced at quit working, she went back to work she knew was successful, spruced it up a bit, and decided to sell it on Lulu. I tell you all of this backstory because, despite the horror, it is pretty funny and if you've got a few hours to spare (serious, bring a snack) you should go read all about it.

The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards is the M15M entries for Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (all of which are free online) with annotations by Cleo herself. They include the origins of w00t, commentary on Narcissa Malfoy's hair and six degrees of M15M which sounds like fun. Also, I did not know the origins of w00t. I'm a bad nerd.

Before you even buy the book, Cleo starts with the funny "..it's actually sort of interactive. I mean, it won't play checkers with you or anything, but it does stuff dead-tree books can't do..." and it only gets better from there. I don't want to give away any of the jokes, so I'm just going to gush a little more about how great it was without giving you any examples.

The thing is, I am a huge HP fangirl. Go read my Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince movie review if your curious. What I love is that it is very evident that I'm not the only one of the two of us who loved the Harry Potter books. The fact that these were something that she both loved in book and movie format shines through every word and it separates it from many other parodies out there. Not liking it and making fun of it can be funny. But when people who genuinely love something understand its flaws, that has the potential for hilarity. Cleo hits it perfectly.

I'm going to go ahead and throw this out here, 'cause it seems to fit. This is the second book I've read recently that functioned as a commentary for something I really enjoyed. The first being, of course, Memories of the Future; and while Wheaton left me a little confused and disappointed, Cleo knocked it out of the park. I actually LOLed. If you've never read Harry Potter you can still read this. If you've never seen the movies it's still easy to read. Of course it helps to have done one or both, but it is not necessary. It does help a bit if you are familiar with the M15M format or you might be a little lost for a bit.

My only complaint (and it is a tiny tiny one) is that on my ereader it will not be anywhere near as much fun. This is because Johnny 505 does not have wireless so none of the links will work. This is definitely best read on a Kindle with wifi or on your document viewer of choice on your computer. I read it in my Ubuntu document viewer and it was lovely.

I can't stress enough how much you need to buy this book. At $6.25 it's a total steal and I'll probably buy another copy on principle. (Aw, Lulu won't let me. I haz a sad.)

What are you doings still reading this, go!

Note: Yes, I call proper authors by the last name (Wheaton, Moning, etc.) yet I call Ms Jones by her first. This is because it isn't her real name anyway and the Jones is tacked on because people need a last name, even fake ones. She will be Cleo until I decide otherwise. This has been your friendly neighborhood "you totally didn't care did you" announcement.

District 9

Drug my dad to see District 9. Explained it as ‘aliens land and are put in concentration camps’ which is just about all I knew about it. I started following the early viral sites: Multinational United, D-9, Maths From Outer Space, MNU Spreads Lies - but not with any kind of regularity.

I saw Wolverine last May, which despite what other reviews say was not a total waste of time, and before it was the preview for what at the time I described as a strange and fascinating little movie. That is totally what District 9 is, this completely bizarre movie that will leave you both enraptured and confused. It’s this year’s Cloverfield.

Not-So-Quick Summary: Twenty years ago a large alien spaceship arrived on earth and settled over Johannesburg. After a few months of nothing happening, humans finally broke into the ship to discover about a million aliens in a cargo bay malnourished and maybe a little crazy. After spending some time helping the aliens, deemed ‘prawns’ for slang, the alien camp is turned over to Multi National United. MNU is a private corporation, weapons manufacturer and mercenary distributor. On the plus side, we cannot use alien technology. On the downside, shit is about to hit the fan.

Wikus van der Merwe works for MNU. Wikus has put in charge of alerting the prawns that they are being moved from District 9 away from the city to District 10. Wikus van der Merwe is not the brightest bulb on the porch. Finding alien technology, he sprays himself in the face. Rather than immediately knocking him out (which would have been hilarious at that point), it slowly begins to change him into an alien. MNU is at first not pleased, until they discover he can use the alien technology. Wikus solicits an alien(who has the best alien name ever)’s help to get himself un-aliened; but the prawn wants to get to his ship so he can go home and then rescue his people on earth.

Shit, it is going down. Loudly.

Here’s the thing. There is not a doubt in my mind that if a group of aliens showed up on earth lacking in some sort of defensive capability that would stop us – we would totally do exactly this to them. Relegate them to second class citizen status and experiment on them. Humans, by and large, are nasty, brutish creatures. Honest, I do believe that at the edge of our solar system there is a little flashing beacon warning ‘Abandon Hope all ye who enter here.’ And if there’s not, there should be. In fact, while I expected to argue this point with my dad on the way out, he was there before me.

I will say this, the third act, while engaging, devolved into thirty minutes of people exploding, losing limbs, or dying in otherwise horrific ways. I’m telling you, shit is going down. In my perfect movie, they would have left a lot of that out and focussed more on what (if anything) are the repercussions of the ending. As it is, while several Very Important Things happen, we have no closure. No way of knowing if it was all for a purpose or nor naught.

I enjoyed the movie immensely. It was no Star Trek to make me go back half a dozen times, but I will probably try to see it at least once more before it leaves the theatres. I’d say it is easily the best alien movie in years, maybe since Independence Day. But ID was never really about the aliens, it was about humanity. I’d go so far back as ET on comparable movies – although the theme and message of this one is quite different.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Oh Harry Potter, how I have missed you.

Harry Potter was pretty much the defining force behind my college years. I read the first four my senior year of high school. The fifth I bought while on a family vacation in Italy. While everyone else was soaking up the sun on a Mediterranean beach, I was sitting on our balcony reading a copy of Order of the Phoenix that I’d bought at the Rome Termini station. I sat outside the Richmond Waterstone’s for the midnight release of both Half Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows – each was finished the same night.

I’m the Nerd Heroine and I am an HP fangirl. So take the following with a grain of salt. They could have done the movie in claymation and I would have shilled out nine bucks to see it. Also, spoilers. If you intend to see the movie and haven’t read the books – well, first of all what’s wrong with you? Second, I will be revealing minor stuff. Major stuff shall still be hid.

Contrary to what I’d read, it wasn’t as dark as I was expecting it to be. After Order of the Phoenix, I was half expecting to leave the movie in tears with a desire to kill myself. All in all, I think this didn’t have the same air of desperation that OotP did. It did have its moments of course; by which I mean, and all forgiveness to cross-referencing here, Why so Sirius Dumbledore? Although I knew it was coming, it still made me tear up.

That said, I think this was by far the funniest of the Harry Potter movies. It was partly the energy in the theater, and partly because it is in fact very very funny. On the flip side, I don’t think it has been ever more obvious that Harry Potter, and indeed the Harry Potter franchise, has grown up. Even OotP still seemed like kids playing a game with grownups. This is the first time the characters are allowed to stand up for themselves as adults on their own terms.

I remember being annoyed with the sixth book because it focused so much on the raging hormones of being an adolescent. And while I remember what I was like as a sixteen year old, I have no desire to relive it. It was played well in the movie and I didn’t want to shoot any of the main characters. Lavender? She can go away forever.

And! What was with Ginny tying Harry’s shoe at the Burrow? A woman two seats away went “What!?” which made the whole audience laugh as we were all thinking the same thing. She made herself subservient to him. Ginny was always shown as being more than Harry’s equal. What was up with that? I kind of wrote it off as romantic awkwardness, but it wasn’t very well played if it was. But she then chased after him into the flaming fire of non-canon fiery death OMG! so it all rather of evened out for me. I know you don't have a huge appearance in the last book, but be more awesome Ginny.

Total Spoilers: Yeah, they left out Dumbledore’s funeral. In the book it offered a denouement after the Battle for Hogwarts: Origins. In the movie, the original Battle for Hogwarts never happens. Bellatrix, Greyback et al show up, hang out taunting Draco for a bit [and yay Tom Felton, he had like three lines, but the lurking and scheming was awesome], watch Snape kill Dumbledore and waltz out. Harry gives chase, Snape becomes snarky. The end. There’s no need for a denouement. Nothing happens – well, other than the obvious. The emotional catharsis comes from the wands-held-high memorial the students and staff give Dumbledore. And it works well within the movie. [Denouement? Catharsis? Yes, I took AP Literature, why do you ask?]

Oh! And the bit with the Inferi on the lake where they kept showing shots of the water and the music was like 'La la la nothing to see here' and everyone who read the book knew that shit was about to go down. But it didn't and didn't and didn't and by the time it did my feet were in my seat and I was watching the movie with my hands over my ears and my eyes half-closed. Well played, Mr Yates. Well played indeed.

It is a good Half Blood Prince movie. I personally would have included different scenes and a slightly different tone, but it wasn’t my movie and the one they made was pretty damn good.

All that’s left is Deathly Hallows I & II. The Potterdämmerung is here y’all. I’m stocking up on canned goods and 1,084,170* words of magical goodness.

Production Sidenote: I have never believed Michael Gambon looked so muck like Ian McKellan as he did in this movie. When he was at the top of the Astronomy Tower at the end, I kept expecting him to bellow 'You shall not pass!' at Malfoy. He's a great actor and all, and this was one of his finer performances, but Michael Gambon will unfortunately always be a poor man's Ian McKellan for me. Sorry Mr. Gambon!

*Serious, that’s the total word count of the Harry Potter books. I cried when I found out my senior thesis was supposed to be 15,000 words. JK Rowling laughs in the face of lesser prose - mwa ha ha!