The Wheel of Time turns...

I don’t remember the day I picked up Eye of the World. I wish I could. I remember begging my mother every Saturday for a month to take me to Barnes and Noble for the next, and after hearing me begin my begging by the following Wednesday purchasing the next two on every subsequent trip. I don’t know how many floors I vacuumed or cars I washed to earn those books but it could have been the whole apartment complex and I wouldn’t have cared.

It was fifteen years ago, and it was the first fantasy novel I had ever read - it would be five years before I even thought to read Lord of the Rings, and then only because the cover quote for Wheel of Time makes the comparison. Path of Daggers would come out later that year – it’s the first book I can ever remember waiting for and I nearly passed out from fury when my mom suggested I wait until it came out in paperback. Paperback? That would be months. Maybe even a whole year. I would die. I would just die if I had to wait to find out what happened to Elayne and Nynaeve after escaping with the Bowl of Winds. Who saved Rand in Shadar Logoth as he fought Sammael? Did a building just fall on Mat?

(Of course, I’d have to wait for Winter’s Heart to discover the answer to the last and boy was I pissed.)

Wheel of Time had become my life at this point. My DiabloII characters were all named for WoT characters. I began to wear a kesiera (or at least as close as I could make to one) everywhere and my Freshmen photos were 10x more awkward than they needed to be as a result.

Two more Wheel of Time books came out while I was in High School, and I panicked a little when I went to college overseas and worried I would not be able to get the next. By the time Knife of Dreams did come out I was broke. So broke I bought, read it over a weekend, and had to return it on Monday. It was literally that or not eat for the week and I was more than willing to risk that if it came to it.

What I do remember clearly is the day that Robert Jordan died. I remember crying. Not for the man – I didn’t know him to know if he was worth crying over – I cried for his books. I cried for these characters who were now lost. Maybe he had planned to kill them all off, maybe the Dark One was intended to win… it didn’t matter. I would never know the answer and more importantly – neither would they. They would never know if their world survived, or their hopes and dreams came to fruition.

I didn’t cry for myself, I cried for their world.

Anger would come later. Why had Jordan allowed the series to stretch so long? If he’d dropped out this character or that character (always characters I myself didn’t particularly like) then he could have been done with it ages ago. 

I didn’t want to have anything to do with the series anymore. It would never be finished, what was the point. I don’t think I even knew Sanderson had taken the series on until the day I saw Gathering Storm at a bookstore. I wish someone had taken a picture of me in that moment. It was like being transported into an alternate dimension and discovering I was Batman. I was stunned. How was this possible and who was this “Brandon Sanderson” person? Who authorized this?

I picked it up with trepidation. I opened to the first page and it was like I was back in that first month when I started Wheel of Time for the first time. The legends of the first 11 books had faded a bit by this time but I couldn’t make myself stop to refresh.  The Wheel of Time turns and I couldn’t risk getting hit by a bus before finishing.

(I’m not sure what greater seal of approval I could give for Sanderson than to say that before I had even finished Gathering Storm I had bought every Sanderson book that had ever been published and they were waiting, patiently, for me to get to them.)

Life was right again, the world was right again.

I choked up when Sanderson announced he had finished A Memory of Light, and even more so the day I placed my pre-order. Over Thanksgiving I began my re-read of the entire series, only my second since starting the series that long ago day. 

The books are different now. Characters I hated before, or were bored by, were changed through the eyes of an adult. I will not pretend that thirteen year old me was less than she was, but she was a shadow of the woman she would become. A woman that Wheel of Time had no small part in making her.

Wheel of Time taught me that women could be powerful. That it was as natural and right as a man being so. It taught me that everyone has their own strengths, and that finding people who can complement your strengths and call you out on your foolishness is the only way to accomplish anything in this world. That there is someone out there who will love you for exactly who you are, and someone who will want to see you be your absolutely best and it doesn’t actually matter who you choose as long as you’re happy with the choice.

That people are born good – but anyone can be tempted to evil.

It’s been fourteen books, over 4 million words and fifteen years and I am about to start on the last book – no, the final book. Final is the right word. It’s not just that this one is last, it is the end of an era for me, and the finality of it is total.

It doesn’t matter if Memory of Light is good or bad, if ends how I want or if it leaves me dissatisfied. It has been a wild ride and I have enjoyed every minute of it.

Thank you Mr Jordan for your dream – and you Mr Sanderson for seeing it through to the end. You have both exceeded my wildest expectations and I am deeply joyed to have the opportunity to finish this journey.

IT - Part Five

IT Part One
IT Part Two
IT - Intermission 
IT Part Two (redux) 
IT Part Three
IT Part Four

9:09pm - Home
Chapter 19

I like this move into new storytelling, with past and present bleeding into each other. It's interesting and I had been wondering how King was going to deal with two separate climaxes.

A lot happens here, in all timelines. Mike gets attacked and I'm impressed and overjoyed with how calmly he evades Henry. Bill and Bev cheat on their respective spouses - not that I blame Bev but for fuck's sake Bill. And Eddie gets attacked by and seriously injures Henry.

In the past, Bev is chased by her insane father. The hideaway if discovered. Bill leads everyone into the Barrens then into the tunnels because yeah that's a good idea. Who decided to make this kid leader. I like Ben's idea of 'Get the Fuck out of Derry' much better.

And why won't Henry just die already in either time?

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3:36pm - Home
Chapter 20

I don't like the fact that the only solid female character in this book is dumb as a brick, but I supposed I accept it. Only because by far the most sensible person is the only black character so I feel the good washes out the bad (and Why? you ask, Do I feel that a black person being sensible is not perfectly normal? Because King is a git who plays on the stereotypes, not to deconstruct them but in a way that says 'I'm aware of them and I don't give a fuck'.)

Into the tunnels they go, again, where Bev's husband has Bill's wife - but they only that Bill's wife is down there. And they don't have Stan or Mike (the sensible one! Why did it have to be you Mike?!) with them so they're chances of success are somewhere between slim and none but they go anyway with no memory of how they got out the last time.

Dumbasses.

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4:17pm - Home
Chapter 21

It gets It's own subchapter, It's own POV and It's scared and there's a Turtle I guess and the turtle and the It have been around forever because, yeah, that make sense I guess.

The power of imagination is enough to injure It, and kill It because it takes on the weaknesses of Its form which is a sucky asterisk on that power (although I'm not complaining in this case, just an overall observation).

And both groups end up in the sewers with It, in the present Bill confronts a giant spider and It's pregnant and OMG how did this not occur to me? There is nothing about this that is good and right and okay and I just.... WHAT?!

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4:47pm - Home
Chapter 22

Bill manages to seriously injure It as a child and even thought the turtle (wait, what?) warns him to finish the job his friends convince him to run away.


(A turtle? Really?)

In the present, Bill is overconfident and It gets the better of him, but Richie, of all people, steps in and takes over. Eddie gets an arm eaten off (how circular) and Ben takes on the task of killing all of the baby Its (where did these babies even come from, is there a male It? It says It's alone....) while Bill and Richie chase after to finish the job.

In 1958, the kids lose hope while running away and Bev fucks a sense of hope back into them and for the love of god I wish I was making that up.

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5:12pm - Home
Chapter 23

Bill rips It's heart apart and he, Richie, Bev and Ben escape - leaving Eddie behind in a move I find unnerving, like maybe one of the spiders is going to end up using him as food and grow up big and strong and make mommy proud.

It is so intrinsically tied to the town of Derry that Its death causes the city to partially collapse in on itself.

But at least It's dead.... although there is one final Interlude left and I don't trust this at all.

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5:21pm - Home
Fifth Interlude


They're all forgetting each other and on the one hand, I'm sad that they're all friends and won't remember. But on the other, I'm freakishly happy that they won't have to live with this forever.

Although... they all seem to take it as a good sign that they're all forgetting what happened. But what if it's It actually doing a full cleanup - and not just missing Mike? The people leaving, not wanting to come to Derry seem to undermine this... but I don't trust anything anymore.

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5:29pm - Home
Epilogue

Wait..... dafuq just happened?




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Review of It, the movie. 

IT - Part Four

IT Part One
IT Part Two
IT - Intermission 
IT Part Two (redux) 
IT Part Three


6:30pm - Home
Chapter 13

I almost never use the work 'epic' to describe something, but the rock fight between the six (seven including Mike) kids and the five bullies is epic. Does Bill actually know it is going to happen? Is it intuition, or the 'magic' that they keep talking about?

And something is wrong with that boy Henry. If nothing else, this chapter has made that abundantly clear.

Anyway, it seems like we have our Magnificent Seven together at last.

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7:58pm - Home
Chapter 14

I am enjoying that King is writing the group (dare I call them heroes?) as being both accepting of all that they remember, no one calls bullshit or 'we were just kids playing games' while at the same time you can tell that they're struggling to fit in their childhood experiences with what they 'know' as adults.

I'm not sure the logic of building their own lair underground, especially since they all know that that's where the monster has been hiding out. But they seem to be operating on instinct more than logic so I'll allow it.

When the photos come to life (Again! I hate that. More than clowns) and Pennywise ends up pressed to the plastic it's both unnerving and confusing. There is a sense that that's all that's holding him back - had the plastic not been there he'd have had them. But I have a hard time believing something so mundane could hold him back either.

Confusion, I has it.

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8:22pm - Home
Chapter 15

It came from outer space? And the kids do a smoke ritual that should have killed them all (wouldn't it have been funny if the monster had set all that up so they committed suicide?) but doesn't and it turns out that the monster came from... somewhere else. I get it's not from space, but from some parallel - but still.

Stupid.

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8:55pm - Home
Chapter 16

Mr King, I don't want any of your meta bullshit. 'If I was in a book it would be like this but it's not', I see what you did there and again, maybe because it's now such a trope, it's stupid and bugs me and whatever.

I'm trying to think if there was a confirmed sighting of the monster in here, not just Eddie's hallucination which were probably real but I'm not sure. The real villain here is Henry Bowers, and I do like of King sets up this monster, but then shows how kids are equally cruel. (Although I do think Henry is being pushed a great deal and not necessarily responsible for his actions.)

But the kids, especially Eddie, standing up to the grown-ups - who are as a whole realizing they can't control these kids - is fantastic.

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7:20pm - Home
Chapter 17

I'm not... what is King's obsession with male genitalia?  I mean, yes, it exists, but I read 3-5 books a week on average and I have never seen this much dick across an entire six months.

The boys lighting their farts on fire, Beverly wondering about their 'things' - some light homosexuality. Although given what we learn about Patrick I find that sociopath who killed his baby brother and the kid who willingly jerked off a friend to be a dichotomy. And not in a 'well-rounded character' way, but in a 'what the hell are you doing Mr King?' way.

I think I'm supposed to feel okay that the monster kills Patricj because he's obviously a screwed up kid - but we only really just met him so I'm pretty meh about the whole matter.

I also just realized that King is pretty awful at sticking the "show don't tell" front. He flat out calls some characters crazy (and yes, they ahve crazy actions to back it up) but overall I feel like I've been told flat-out how I'm supposed to feel about many of these characters.

Anyway, the monster threatens them - they all hug... I think I missed how Beverly injured it. She does shoot one of the flying leeches (shoots it magically? Maybe?) but both her and Patrick smashed a bunch without it seeming to affect anything.

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7:53pm - Home
Chapter 18

So I thought this would be the final of the kids chapters, the confrontation, Beverly injures the monster (oh, now she does it, not last chapter... okay then) but it ends on a .... not a cliffhangar but a 'more to come'.

I suppose, if I'd thought about it more, I'd've realized that Victor was still alive - that Henery had not pursued team into the darkness that would drive him fully crazy.

But man, supernatural help or not, those kids have chutzpah to go into that house with nothing more than a slingshot. A house Ben at least was too fat to escape from if it all went bad. Jesus kid, that would have been my cue to GTFO.

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8:09pm - Home
Fourth Interlude

So..... I'm still pretty confused as to how this all works but I think I'm going to stay that way. How does It make adults go on killing sprees? What in the huh now?

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Continue?
IT Part Five

IT - Part Three

IT Part One
IT Part Two
IT - Intermission 
IT Part Two (redux)

4:39pm - Home
Chapter 10

So the chapter opens and everyone makes their way into town. They sit and have lunch. The bring each other up to speed and reminisce. It has the feel of a reunion which it is.

Mike, the pure voice of reason who I just love, the lighthouse keeper who saw the storm coming and brought them all back, Mike goes through the details and I wonder just how much he remembers. It's obvious they don't all remember everything - and time and distance from Derry seems to pay into it.

So they talk and discuss the things they could never tell anyone else because it would make them sound crazy and they all, as one, decide to do the one thing they don't think they can. To kill It.

And just when I think this chapter is going to close on them walking out into the afternoon, perhaps with a "And only 6 of them showed at the library that evening" the whole things becomes macabre. Bugs crawl out, blood gushes, an eyeball.... that only they can see.

Does having children mean that you can't see the horrors of Derry?

I do know I will not be eating a fortune cookie in the near future.

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6:06pm - Home
Chapter 11


Holy shit.

Ben goes to the library where the clown taunts him from the upper decks.

Eddie goes to the abandoned fields where an entire baseball team of creepy accosts him.

Beverly goes to her old home where an old lady turns into every evil in the world (and it's a sign of how little I know horror tropes that it took me ages to figure out something wasn't right with her).

Richie gets attacked by a statue... again.

And Bill.... Bill gets his bike back? I don't trust this shit y'all. I don't trust it one bit. That bike is going to try to kill them, mark my words.

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6:36pm - Home
Chapter 12

Well that was... unexpected.

The monster seems capable of pretty much anything, so why does it need Henry (evil little bully Henry) around to do its dirty work?  Why break him out of the insane asylum?

And Tom, you sick fuck, go home. You are going to die in the sewers or Derry and I am going to enjoy it. And for all of my talk about being uncomfortable being party to this sadisitc voyeurism I will enjoy watching you die.

Audra..... I hope you know what you're doing. Maybe you're the stand-in for Stanley?

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6:50pm - Home
Third Interlude


I'm... I'm a little nervous. With the shootout described in such detail, with the monster there carefully orchestrating it... what chance do our protagonists possibly have? Which goes back to my earlier realization that this book doesn't necessarily have a happy ending.

All books have happy endings, at least the ones I read. Your favorite character might die, there will be sacrifices, but in the end evil will be defeated and people will look into a brighter future.

I'm really starting to get a bone-deep depression that this book will not end that way at all.

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Continue?
IT Part Four
IT Part Five

IT - Part Two (redux)

IT Part One
IT Part Two
IT - Intermission

10:20am - Work
Chapter 7

Well, at least these people are talking to each other now. I know, it's a horrible thing to say out loud something you know sounds crazy, to throw yourself out there as being too imaginative and odd - but for Christ's sake kids something is trying to kill you.

Speak the damn hell up.

Anyway, whatever. Eddie is attacked by a leper, pretty sure a legit one the first time who keeps offering him a blowjob. The second time it's the monster pretending to be a leper (there's a thought, does the monster pretend to be x, y or z - or does it actually become them?) who chases Eddie through some bushes.

And then, after damming up the river the boys all sit down and have a natter and three of them fess up to having been attacked by the monster in some capacity. Although compared to Ben and Eddie's stories, Bill's "bleeding picture" bit seems a let down. Except that it took place in his home which I only just realized and we will never be safe again.

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1:21pm - Home
Chapter 8

Yes, a lot of encounters have happened in this book, but this is the first time it's felt like any of these kids were in real danger.

Let's back up, shall we?

Richie is my least favorite of the group by far - he was that kid I always disliked because he was annoying, and always had to be the center of attention. Despite that, this is one of my favorite chapters.

One, the fact that whatever is happening in Derry is pervasive floats even more to the surface as Bill and Richie look at Georgie's photo album again. Seeing themselves being lured to their deaths by the clown - the Bill injuring himself as he reaches through the photo is deeply unsettling.

Two, the further treatment of the bullies, and Ben and Richie and Bev (Bev, where have you been?) not only sticking up for themselves but escaping made me want to stand up and cheer.

Then, three, the boys decide to go investigate the leper house together. I commend them for bringing a gun with them, but why on earth did they think two people was enough? And the logic on bringing just one bike with them is astoundingly stupid. And the idea that the monster gave chase on open roads in broad daylight, nearly pulling Richie off the bike.... oh noes oh noes oh noes.

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2:20pm - Home
Chapter 9


I'm happy Beverly got a chapter, and that we get to hear what happened to Stanley (I worried with his committing suicide in the 'present' if we would get his story at all). But the blood, jesus the blood.

I can talk myself around being scared of monsters. But the underhanded menace of blood and voices that only you can hear. I can convince myself they're not real but the fact that I'm hearing them is troubling enough. When Beverly decides to go fishing for the monster down the sink drain I had to stop myself from screaming at her for being an idiot. Damn, kids can be dumb.

I did like the opening - Beverly's friend saying flat out that everyone knows Bev was in an abusive relationship. There's no point hiding it.

And poor Stanley, fending off the monster by shouting bird names at it. Richie did something similar with his voices. Those are things that make the kids happy, can the monster be out off or defeated by happy thoughts? It's an old trope now but maybe in 1985 it was a new thing.

Holy shit, 1985? I was born that year.

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3:32pm - Home
Second Interlude

So I want to throw this out there before I start, I only just now realized Mike Hanlon was black. Which makes it a jew, a fat kid, a girl, a black kid, a stutterer, and the schizo kid who does voices. It's a veritable melting pot.

I've been weaving between two ideas - one that the people of the town do evil things which feeds the monster, or two, the monster makes the people do evil things. I'm definitely leaning more towards the second right now.

Anyway, the fire at the Black Spot. I know that racism is a thing, still is. But I was brought up in a way that tells me that it's wrong and to read about this - to know that people did these kinds of things, set building of people on fire. Yes, it's just a book, but these things happened in real life too. And the detail King feeds into it make me feel vaguely voyeuristic. Like I'm contributing somehow to these people. There have been whole treaties written about this (Have you seen Cabin in the Woods yet?) but since I don't watch horror movies ever, this is my first experience of feeling complicit in the events going on.

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Conversation with my Mother
Me: I decided, against all rhyme and reason to start reading It and it's freaking me out.

Mom: To this day, when I see cats peering into gutters I'm like 'Don't do that, you're going to get pulled down there.' And then I see raccoons poking their heads out and think 'Don't be in there. There are things in there.' I would never go in there.

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Continue?
IT Part Three
IT Part Four
IT Part Five

IT - Intermission

IT Part 1
IT Part 2

As much as I said I would finish this book tonight, I didn't get a good start on it until nearly 6pm. And I know that there will come a point after which I can't stop, so I'm going to finish for the evening and read one of my romances I picked up at the library instead.

Someone on facebook asked me if I was going to be jumping at shadows for the next few days and the answer is: yes and no.

Yes, I will freak myself out about every sound, every shadow and every time I think I feel something that isn't there. I have an active imagination and in cases like these it is a curse.

But no, it won't be that bad because I have an incredibly logical side too. And that side of me says - nothing has changed in the world in the last eight hours. Reading that book did not cause monsters to spontaneously burst into existence - nor is reading it going to draw otherworldly forces to me.

And the real kicker - even if there were monsters and demons and creatures lurking in the shadows, I am not going to escape from them. That's not my role in life's play. If I wake up and there is a genuine clown in my bedroom holding a bunch of balloons and ready to strangle me - I'm going to die whether I lay in bed fretting about it or not. My bedroom is a prime place to attack as it only has one exit. By the time I know I'm in danger it would be too late to do anything.

So why worry?

That credulous streak, and the ability to turn it on and off mostly at will, is one of my better qualities I think. At least, on a personal useful level.

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Continue?
IT Part Two (redux)
IT Part Three
IT Part Four
IT Part Five

IT - Part Two

Link to Part One

8:35pm - Home
Chapter 4

This book is not outright scary. Not jumping out at you face-eating clown scary (although that's certainly a part). It's every moment IT might show up scary. It's every bush, every rattle, every footstep might be IT scary.

And that's so much worse.

Let's begin at the beginning - are kids actually as viciously mean as the ones I see in books or movies? I remember my childhood fairly well, but the sheer level of brutality in the three bullies of Derry is stunning to me. Which bring me back to an earlier point - are these people really this awful, or does Derry make them this awful? If we put Henry Bowers in San Francisco, would he be an abusive little shit? Does Derry create monsters or just nurture them?

Why am I reading this book?

I really feel for Ben in this chapter. I myself was a loner nerd throughout - well pretty much until now. But while girl's can be mean, they're rarely physically mean. At least not in the same proportion as boys are. (Yes, there's always one girl everyone knew who was an evil bully, but I'm saying that in general when a girl is offended she throws insults - boys throw fists. Ceterus paribus. In the long run on the average. Grain of salt and all that.)

So reading about poor Ben, loving the library but not even able to make it home without being attacked, having to fight his way into the Barrens - a place we soon discover he has reason to fear even more than he does Henry's knife - was heart-breaking.

That he chooses to hide in the dark - with all the scary things he has seen with his own eyes lurking about - makes me want to give him a hug.

God, I kind of hate everyone in this book right now except for Ben. Yes, even you Stuttering Bill.

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9:19pm - Home
Chapter 5

I take it back Bill. You are precious and awesome and you have all of my love.

When he rides off on his too-big bike to get his friend's medication (even if it's a placebo and what the fuck people?) comes back and instantly makes friends with poor Ben... only to go home to two parents who have forgotten, in their grief that they have two sons. The loss of the one is enough to tear them apart and poor Bill doesn't know how - isn't enough to bring them back together.

My heart, it is breaking.

But can we please stick to monster creepiness and not blood leaking from under the edges of photos creepiness?

Thank you.

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I just went to open the book and start Chapter 6 and had a vision of it leaping forward and eating my face. I'm on page 250 and I'm already hallucinating.

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9:57pm - Home
Chapter 6

I'm confused, and starting to get into genuinely scared territory (not just freaked out a little).

The monster can turn itself into what the kids fear most? Is that what I'm supposed to get out of this? Because none of them were scared of the clown for being a clown - only because the clown ended up having crazy eyes and eating them.

But Eddie is attacked by his dead-brother/creature from the black lagoon and Mike by a giant bird - both of them clearly and immediately terrified by the things. It makes me wonder what makes the creature chose what it appears as.

And Mike's dad is the first parent in the book I genuinely like. Team Mr Hanlon Forver! (That would be a timely reference to put on a shirt.)

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Continue?
IT - Intermission 
IT Part Two (redux)
IT Part Three
IT Part Four
IT Part Five

IT - Part One

Stephen King
Grade: TBD

So I'm going to try something new (to me) for this review. The thing is, I've never read IT. It's just not something that ever crossed my radar as a book I might even in the slightest bit be interested in. I know everyone else in the world has read it, but I haven't for two reasons.

1) I loathe being scared.
2) Everything scares me.

I have no reason why I decided, a couple of weeks ago, that I should read the most famous horror novel of all time (is that even up for debate?) - but here we are.

So what I'm going to do is liveblog reading this. I'm a fairly quick reader so even though this books is 8,000 pages long I will likely finish it tonight. Right before I go to sleep. I put no thought into this whatsoever, obviously.

Disclaimer (ie What I already know about this book)
Truthfully? Not a lot. There are some kids being attacked by a monster, that is sometimes a clown. I think maybe theirselves from the future come back to try and save them at some point. OMG, does this mean this book has time travel in it? That would be awesome.

I know there was a movie with Tim Curry that scared the bejeezus out of pretty much everyone and that I haven't seen because see point 1 above. And for the record, I do not have coulrophobia (the irrational fear of clowns) but I do have curryphobia (the irrational fear of Tim Curry eating your face off). Although on second thought, the definition of a 'phobia' is an irrational fear and fear of Tim Curry is a totally rational thing as he's a scary scary man.

Anyways, after my long lead-in, let's get cracking.

Banned Books Week

It's that time of year again! Banned books week has come around, like a bad case of herpes.* Last year I honored the occasion with a repost of a review I did of Where's Waldo in 2007. This year you get a brand spankin' new review.

Feel special.

Since its release in 2005, one book has held the number one spot for most challenged book on the American Library Association's list. This book has at times been challenged as: anti-ethnic, anti-family, homosexuality, religious viewpoint, and unsuited to age group.

What is this book that does so much to threaten the minds of our children?

And Tango Makes Three
Peter Parnell & Justin Richardson
Grade: A+

Y'all, its a book about penguins. Two penguins who adopted an egg and raised it in a loving pair unit.

The two penguins in question happen to both be male.

Apparently, this is indicative of a large-scale moral crisis in America. If even the penguins are turning to the radical left-wing homosexual agenda, what chance do our children have?

If you are a person with half a brain in your head, you read the above statement in the sarcastic tone it was intended. But here's the problem, there are people out there who actually believe this. That actually believe that by telling our children that two male penguins hatched and raised an egg together it might somehow undermine the very social fabric of this great nation of ours.

The thing is, it doesn't undermine the social fabric of our nation, it undermines their own preconceived notions of what makes a healthy society. If penguins - animals that cannot reason, love or pray to god - can have a healthy monogamous, homosexual relationship then the moral high ground that the same behavior in people is against the natural order of things fails. If penguins and giraffes and bonobos can create lasting homosexual partnerships then its not unnatural - it's not wicked mankind turning away from god. It's people doing exactly as god intended - or why would he allow the beasts of the field to do it?

People drive me crazy for the most part, and gut reaction and prejudice against one of the most adorable children's books I've ever seen is not just a waste of breath and energy, it is entirely unworthy of us as a species.

Poorly done America, poorly done.



*I apologize to everyone for that analogy.

The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards

Cleolinda Jones
Grade: A

I don't even know where to start with this book because if you don't know what the Movies in Fifteen Minutes are, you're not going to really get the Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes.

Back in, what was it, '04?, Cleolinda Jones (names have been changed to protect the innocent, that and like me she uses a nom de plume online) wrote a parody/summary of Van Helsing called "Van Helsing in Fifteen Minutes." Others followed, she got a book deal (that hoor) and went on to take the Twilight fandom by storm.

But that's just the backstory, I personally caught up with Cleolinda during the Potterdamurung. Since then, I have been a pretty rabid (hey look! froth!) follower of her blog. When the Compocalypse struck this last August and everything that Cleo had so much as glanced at quit working, she went back to work she knew was successful, spruced it up a bit, and decided to sell it on Lulu. I tell you all of this backstory because, despite the horror, it is pretty funny and if you've got a few hours to spare (serious, bring a snack) you should go read all about it.

The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards is the M15M entries for Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (all of which are free online) with annotations by Cleo herself. They include the origins of w00t, commentary on Narcissa Malfoy's hair and six degrees of M15M which sounds like fun. Also, I did not know the origins of w00t. I'm a bad nerd.

Before you even buy the book, Cleo starts with the funny "..it's actually sort of interactive. I mean, it won't play checkers with you or anything, but it does stuff dead-tree books can't do..." and it only gets better from there. I don't want to give away any of the jokes, so I'm just going to gush a little more about how great it was without giving you any examples.

The thing is, I am a huge HP fangirl. Go read my Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince movie review if your curious. What I love is that it is very evident that I'm not the only one of the two of us who loved the Harry Potter books. The fact that these were something that she both loved in book and movie format shines through every word and it separates it from many other parodies out there. Not liking it and making fun of it can be funny. But when people who genuinely love something understand its flaws, that has the potential for hilarity. Cleo hits it perfectly.

I'm going to go ahead and throw this out here, 'cause it seems to fit. This is the second book I've read recently that functioned as a commentary for something I really enjoyed. The first being, of course, Memories of the Future; and while Wheaton left me a little confused and disappointed, Cleo knocked it out of the park. I actually LOLed. If you've never read Harry Potter you can still read this. If you've never seen the movies it's still easy to read. Of course it helps to have done one or both, but it is not necessary. It does help a bit if you are familiar with the M15M format or you might be a little lost for a bit.

My only complaint (and it is a tiny tiny one) is that on my ereader it will not be anywhere near as much fun. This is because Johnny 505 does not have wireless so none of the links will work. This is definitely best read on a Kindle with wifi or on your document viewer of choice on your computer. I read it in my Ubuntu document viewer and it was lovely.

I can't stress enough how much you need to buy this book. At $6.25 it's a total steal and I'll probably buy another copy on principle. (Aw, Lulu won't let me. I haz a sad.)

What are you doings still reading this, go!

Note: Yes, I call proper authors by the last name (Wheaton, Moning, etc.) yet I call Ms Jones by her first. This is because it isn't her real name anyway and the Jones is tacked on because people need a last name, even fake ones. She will be Cleo until I decide otherwise. This has been your friendly neighborhood "you totally didn't care did you" announcement.

Memories of the Future: Volume One

Wil Wheaton
Grade: B+/C-

I have a real problem with Wil Wheaton. I like his work in principle, but the execution always leaves me wanting (see my Sunken Treasures review for example). Memories of the Future was no different. I really really wanted to love this book. Like, really. I wanted to love it like cake and buy copies for all my geek friends for Christmas.

The proper place to begin, is of course the beginning so let’s back up a bit. Memories of the Future is, for lack of a better term, an episode guide for Star Trek: The Next Generation (which I do love like cake – chocolatey, yummy cake). Each episode is broken down into: Summary, Quotable Dialogue, Obligatory Technobabble, Behind the Scenes Memory, The Bottom Line, and a Final Grade. The summaries are not meant to be scene by scene episode details, but rather if you were sitting with a few buddies doing a running commentary of the show.

I will give Wheaton this, the summaries of the episodes are, by and large, hilarious. Wheaton really shines when he is taking the piss out of himself, and while this could have easily devolved into Wheaton pointing fingers and saying “What an idot!”, he instead treats his fellow actors and crew-members with a great deal of respect. Unfortunately, in order to honor them, he sometimes loses opportunities for humor – a trade-off I can both understand and support. It’s better to not be funny than to be funny at your friends and colleagues expense. With that said, a mention of a particular first officer walking into a turbolift door when it did not open as he thought it would, awesome.

What I wanted from this was a book about Star Trek written by someone who lived the on-set experiences. I wanted a Star Trek book that only that person could have written. Instead, Memories of the Future reads for the most part as though any person with a background in on-set politics could have written it. The Behind the Scenes sections are quite short, and as they were one of the reasons I bought the book to begin with, I was a quite disappointed. It felt like the Behind the Scenes sections were an afterthought, added in when someone editing the book pointed out it needed a little something to make it more Wheaton’s.

What it boils down to is I continuously feel that I am not getting what I paid for with Wheaton’s books. I understand that Wheaton is a self-published author and that’s how he does his thing, but if I had bought Memories of the Future as a paperback and not as a PDF I would have been pissed off beyond all measure. Twenty bucks for a paperback that’s less than 150 pages? That’s just plain silly. I also think that he should have released the first volume as the whole of season one. Assuming he finishes the entire series, we’re talking fourteen books in total. I can say that if all of season one had been in Memories of the Future Volume One I would not have anywhere near as many complaints as I do. I suppose it deserves two grades, what the book contained and what my expectations of it were (the book grade has been revised for this).

Again, back to my first paragraph, I really want to like Wheaton as an author but if he continues to disappoint me like this I’m going to have to... oh who am I kidding? A Star Trek book written by a Star Trek castmember? I’m going to buy it no matter what.

Do as I say kids, not as I do.

Banned Books Week!

Hiya everybody! It's banned books week! You know what that means? Go to your local library, be it public or at your school, and ask for one of the many, many books that someone out there decided that you did not need to be reading. That's right, don't you feel nice and cozy knowing that someone made it their moral imperative to restrict what you should have access to?

In honour of this week, I'm going to repost here a review I did of one of my favourite banned books of all time. This review appeared originally at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books back in October 2007. I was lucky enough to win the Banned Books Review Contest and received a bracelet of covers of banned books that I wear all the time (and OMG go buy one right now). You can find the original post here.

Where's Waldo?
Martin Hanford
Grade: A+

Of the most banned books of the nineties, none stood out to me with such a force as Martin Hanford’s Where’s Waldo? series. Indeed, while I was stunned to find several of my childhood favorites present, it took me quite some time to come to terms with the fact that this was not a typo.

What did this bespectacled, befuddled, behatted man do to earn the ire of some proportion of the American public?

Waldo (or Wally in the original UK print), a brunet in perhaps is early thirties, perpetually wanders the world in blue jeans and a candy-cane striped shirt with matching toque. He is also perhaps the only man in the world who hides for a living… all the time. He is joined on his travels by his dog, Woof, and his girlfriend, Wenda/Wanda. Occasional sightings of Waldo’s ex-girlfriend Wilma have been known to happen, but as Wilma is Wenda’s identical twin, it is uncertain if these sightings are always genuine. Plotting against Waldo is his arch-nemesis, Odlaw. Odlaw has stolen both his name and his wardrobe from Waldo and it is little wonder that he lurks amongst the pages of the Where’s Waldo? series hoping to in some way undermine Waldo’s efforts at… um… hiding.

Waldo himself could certainly stand to be more selective on the company he keeps. Seen at Viking banquets, courthouses full of lawyers and at an area suspiciously similar to a brothel, Waldo shows a remarkable lack of morals when choosing his associates. And yet, I find it hard to fault him for it. Sure, Waldo could show some discretion, but it sends a powerful message of inclusiveness out to today’s children that Waldo is not afraid to be seen with court jesters; and is as ready to submit himself to their company as with the fine men and women establishing the first moon colony. Waldo’s childlike sense of wonder at the world should be an inspiration to us all. Waldo finds joy in almost any situation – from seaside resorts to the dungeons of the furthest Neptunian moons. And he never gives up. Never mind if you find him in Bangladesh, he’ll move on, gathering up his friends and assorted lost belongings before he goes. (If nothing else, everyone could take a leaf out of Waldo’s book whilst traveling.)

Waldo is welcoming. He always smiles and keeps the company of both a good woman and a good dog. And no matter what terrible things his enemy does to him, he never retaliates. And he never gives up.

Should we ask anything less than that of our children? Can we afford to ask anything less than that of ourselves?

Death From the Skies!

Philip Plait, PhD
Grade: A

Death from the Skies! Oh sweet Lord, we're all gonna die. How?, you might be asking. The answer is easier if you ask, What in the universe is not trying to kill us? The answer is nothing, nothing wants us to live; everything in the universe is out to get us.

I repeat, we're all gonna die.

(Here’s what I took from each chapter, these are by no means meant to be summaries. The ratings express in general how terrifying I find being around for it to be. It’s a scale of 1-5)

Target Earth: Asteroid and Comet Impacts

Apophis. I want you to go write that name down right this minute. Why? Because on April 13 2029, Friday the 13^th and I am so not making that up, Apophis will pass closer to earth than some of our satellites. That’s right, Apophis may get closer than the T-Mobile satellite powering your future wrist-phone. And while it may miss us this time around, if it passes through the wrong spot, it will most certainly hit us in 2036. That’s nine years to try and move a rock big enough to basically set the planet on fire. Yay.

This was my favourite chapter as it was the easiest to actually wrap your mind around. B612 Foundation: I can haz Science? Also, thanks for the “There’s not even enough time to worry” there Dr Plait, I think I shall begin right this minute. Put that in your metaphorical pipe and smoke it.

Paragraph of Dissension: When did an asteroid/comet hit become the accepted theory for dinosaur extinction? Back when I was studying on dinosaurs there was still a lot of disagreement over what caused what and when. Now I turn around and everywhere is all “Yeah, dinosaurs got knocked off* by an asteroid, where have you been?” I’ve been doing very important things! Also, admittedly, the last time I was really into dinosaurs was when Jurassic Park came out so that’s nearly twenty years. I concede that a lot can happen in that time.

*Please note that getting knocked off by an asteroid is totally different than getting knocked up by an asteroid.

Sunburn

So “death” by sunburn isn’t so much death by sunburn as it is “total collapse of the world’s economies and perhaps even civilisation” by sunburn. Strangely, in light of later chapters I found this oddly comforting. The wave of radiation from the sun would be mildly annoying here on earth. At the ISS we get the Fantastic 7 – yeah, you know that bit at the beginning of Fantastic 4 before things got interesting, that’s pretty much what would happen to the ISS crew. Only quite likely way less cool. The crew actually have a special place they hide to avoid getting mutant powers. This is why I could never be an astronaut.

Actually, a solar phenomenon is what brought down SkyLab (I’d mark this as “Things I did not know” but that list grew extensively during this book), the solar flare caused the earth’s atmosphere to puff up then drag it down. One can only presume it happened in slo-mo while SkyLab’s partner screamed “Nooooo!”.

He also brings up a good point. I remember all through school learning that Sol was only an “average sun”. Not huge, not tiny, just kind of there. Dude, even an “average” sun is a pretty freaking awesome sun.

FYI: Looking at the sun with the naked eye = not as bad as people have been telling you. I’ve done it while watching a sunrise (although admittedly, the sunlight is going through a lot more atmosphere then and not quite so bad for you). Look at the sun directly through any kind of helpful magnifying equipment = boil the fluid in your eyeball. Let’s not do that, kay?

The Stellar Fury of Supernovae

The awesomeness of this is somewhat tempered by the fact that it is really unlikely to happen to us. Here in our solar system. That’s not to say we might not go exploring at some point in our future and be very very unlucky.

Also learned that all the elements as we know them had their start in supernovae. That’s kind of cool. Also, also learned that supernovae is the plural of supernova. Even my spell-checker recognises it.

Cosmic Blowtorches: Gamma-Ray Bursts

Aw shit. I don’t care how “unlikely” Plait says this is, next to black holes *shudder* this is the absolute scariest thing I can imagine happening. Later chapters are pretty scary, but totally mind-boggling and as such, don’t carry the same shazam! Also, massive stars, black holes, twin beams of death, this is totally how they should have destroyed Romulus. Supernova, shmupernova.

We’re talking about an event occuring 100 light years away. A place so far away it takes light, something that travels so fast it took us thousands of years to notice it travelled at all, 100 years to get here. And that event is powerful enough heat roast you and instantly destroy our ozone layer. Three cheers for gamma-ray bursts! May you always be so terrifying.

The Bottomless Pits of Black Holes

ad infinitum

Just go read this chapter. If you’re too tight on money to buy it, see if you can convince Amazon to help you out with the ‘Look Inside’ feature. Note: spaghettification may be my new favourite word. Also note: I’ve had black hole based nightmares for the last three days.

This did cause me to think of two questions:

1. Can planets orbit a small black hole? I know that galaxies can (and do) but it seems that with a sufficient source of matter to feed the black hole, a planet could conceivably orbit it as one might a star. Since the black hole will be giving of light, this planet could also conceivably support life. This would have the added benefit of making it the coolest form(s) of life ever, and the winner of every ‘rough childhood’ storytelling game for all time.

2. Could a sufficiently large star swallow a sufficiently small black hole? It seems that this should be possible, but given the nature of black holes may be a total nonsensical statement. If it is, I apologise – but then again, can a black hole cannibalise another black hole? What happens when two black holes meet?

I totally should have gone into astronomy. Stupid archaeobotany.

Alien Attack!

Plait makes much of, if there is suitably intelligent life out there, theory states that we should have met them by now. Sure, but maybe we’re the first to advance to this stage. Also, given the Drake Equation (which he doesn’t explain, maybe he just assumes everyone is familiar with it. I was, but I’m special like that) it’s quite likely that given the other variables, life could evolve countless times, just not in time to meet each other. Both myself and my great-great grandparents existed. But we never got to meet each other. (NOT an insinuation that alien life will be descended from earth life, or vice versa. Just an analogy. A bad one actually.)

I’m only going to leave you with this: either we are alone in the universe or we are not. Both ideas are overwhelming.

The Death of the Sun

This would be way more scary if we weren’t going to have a lot of prep time when it happens. I give it two skulls because the fact that it won’t happen in my lifetime is balanced out by how pants-wettingly terrifying it would be if it did.

Bright Lights, Big Galaxy

That black hole sitting at the center of our galaxy? Worrisome. That black hole sitting at the middle of the Andromeda galaxy? You know, the one that will one day merge with ours in an apocalyptic scenario that makes me weep? WTF? We’re gonna get eaten by another galaxy? The Milky Way is going to eat another galaxy? Either way, I’m very disappointed in you Milky Way. Eating your own kind... bad galaxy, bad.

The End of Everything

?

I could not wrap my head completely around this chapter. Moments of lucidity were punctuated by the knowledge that I had no grasp whatsoever of the scale of what was eventually going to happen. That’s how the universe is supposed to work. I do however, love Plait’s venturing that we might get an ‘infinite do-over’. Was that meant to be reassuring?

What, Me Worry?

I harbour a fantasy where I had gone into astronomy or astrophysics or some other ‘astro’ related field. In my fantasy, I spend a lot of time looking at stars, doing math and discovering heretofore unknown laws of the universe. Yes, in my fantasy I am Albert Einstein. What I did not imagine was that I would spend any portion of time contemplating doomsday scenarios and worrying about being hit by a giant rock.

Part of me wants to move to another planet. This will not, however, solve the problem of black holes, gamma ray bursts, supernovae, asteroids, or well virtually anything. In fact, moving may in fact increase my risks. So I shall stay here on earth and keep an eye to the heavens. When the day comes, I shall be aware... not that I can do much about it...