The stupidest company in the world...

I am a big fan of Game of Thrones and have been looking forward to watching Season 2 since they announced it was being picked up last year.

I don't have cable, so in order to watch it on my TV I'd have to pay for an entire cable package, plus HBO on top of it. They have HBOgo, which is their online arm, but it is only available to people who subscribe to HBO through a cable network.

HBOgo's infrastructure is already entirely setup. Selling it to someone requires only a link to sign up and give credit card details. Nothing further, but HBO won't do this. You have to go through a cable provider (which are becoming more and more obsolete as the internet progresses anyway).

And that's it. That's the only option. Game of Thrones is not available anywhere else but through HBO.

Oh, I could torrent it. Be a pirate. In fact everyone I know is doing just that because none of us have cable. Why would we? We have youtube and 90% of what's on TV is either horrible, or available to watch online somewhere for a fee or even free with adverts. I'm cool with that. I will pay what I deem fair for something I enjoy. But I will not pirate something I support, because that's a very good way to ensure that what you support will cease to be made.

I honestly do not understand HBOs logic here. A subscription is a subscription, what does it matter if it's through comcast or suddenlink or their own website? This whole system is just encouraging me to pirate for the first time ever - and at my age and in this time that is saying a lot. (I don't even download music.)

In short, what we're talking about is a company refusing to make money by selling a service to people - a service they can sell at no additional costs to themselves. It makes absolutely no sense from a business perspective. None.

Therefore, by the power invested in my by the gods of the internets I hereby proclaim HBO to be:

(If you're wondering, I managed to watch it last year because my brother had HBO.)

Apollo 18

(I forgot to hit post on this back in Sept. My bad)

Holy shit people. At one point, with my feet in the seat and my hands over my ears I was squinting at the screen waiting for the bad thing I just knew was coming and realized that the thump-thump, thump-thump I was hearing wasn't onscreen, but my own goddamn heartbeat. My heart has not beat that hard for that long ever.

When the movie finished I think I was in legitimate medical shock. I was laughing hysterically and shaking. I couldn't take my eyes off the screen.

Holy shit.

Best
Movie
EVER.

Like many of the movie that have come out the last few years, Apollo 18 claims to be a 'found' movie - cobbled together from footage rather than actually filmed. In some cases this can be ridiculous as the production values give away the secret, no matter how much shaky-cam you have. (I'm looking at you Cloverfield). In Apollo 18 the film is scratchy, the colors occasionally over-exposed - I could actually buy into the concept that this was footage from the 1970s.

And that's what makes this movie so scary. You know it's just a movie - you're not watching some special on the History Channel (which has lost all credibility so I wouldn't have been surprised if it was), but you can believe that you are. There's no soundtrack, and the cameras are either stationary on the lunar lander or the handheld ones from the astronauts.

The scariest moments come in snippets - not when things are jumping at you - which by and large they don't. This isn't really a loud noises and bloody movie. It's noticing things moving where they shouldn't be, details and minutiae that you as the viewer are privy too but the astronauts are not. You watch it build up, over and over and over again until you're wound so tight you feel like you might just burst. And the really awful part is?

It never lets up. By the time the credits rolled I was shaking. I started laughing at myself for being so shook up, which quickly took on the edge of hysteria.

Now okay, fine, I'm not a horror movie person so this movie might have been chock full of clichés (I hear it was) of the 'found movie' genre. But since I'm not a scary movie person, they were all new and intensely terrifying to me.

I don't want to ruin a moment, I don't want you to not see it because I say something that makes it sound stupid. Go to the theatre, go rent it, watch it in a darkened room and then go outside and take a good long look into the night sky.

And your doom.

A-Team

Oh my god y'all, how did I miss this when it came out? If my not seeing it in the theaters directly contributes to their not making a sequel I am going to be so mad, you don't even know. I will sign an affidavit that I will go see the sequel.

I love this movie.

I watched A-Team for the first time on Tuesday night while I was making my dinosaur coat (I will blog about my dinosaur coat later, promise). Since Tuesday, I have watched this movie at least three times every day - more on some. And I am no where close to being sick of it. I laugh at the jokes and cheer the action every time. You could not have made a movie better designed to fit my interests.

Do I even need to recap? Or can I make the assumption that if you are reading my blog of all things you have a fair idea of who and what the A-Team are. I have never in my life seen an episode (or at least hadn't before Friday night - yay Netflix), and even I could have given you a basic rundown on the show.

Put four crazy personalities into high-pressure situations, mix in self-deprecating humor and a generous amount of awesome. Sit back and watch it explode.

Quentin Jackson does an amazing Baracus - managing to fill Mr T's shoes without ever feeling like he's making fun or doing an impression. [Similarly, think Zachary Quinto in the new Star Trek.] He had a pretty silly B-plot, but I didn't pay it much heed and you might as well not either.

Bradley Cooper is pretty as always, and although he's not my favorite actor in the world, he plays Face perfectly. That role might as well have been written for the guy. Even at his most smarmy, you still want to take him out for a drink. His entire demeanor when saying "I'm worried!" in the hospital about fifteen minutes in sells the line in a way I can't really imagine anyone doing.

You know who may be my favorite actor in the world? Sharlto Copley. He was amazing in District 9, and as far as I can tell this is only his second major film, and he nails it. He has now gone on the very short list of actors whose films I will see regardless of what the film is about. I think that list is only about three names long at the moment. Watching him play Murdoch was a pleasure - I would shill out the $15 I paid to see Sucker Punch (which I enjoyed, but no where near as much) just to watch two hours of Copley playing Murdoch.

Lastly, and bestly, is Liam Neeson - the silver-haired fox. Rrowr. He straddles between father-figure and brother-at-arms so deftly that you'd think he was Hannibal. Now, I'll be the first to admit that watching him play what is in essence a comedic role is a significant percentage of what makes the movie so awesome for me. I'm finding myself disappointed he hasn't done more comedy roles - he does serious so well that it's both surprising and awesome to see how well he plays Hannibal's grinning, cigar-chomping mastermind. Also, he's gorgeous. I have a crush, okay? What woman doesn't?

There are some hilarious moments, one with the CIA operatives in a van about two-thirds of the way in that has me in stitches every time. "Hey, final request - don't let this guy shoot me please." Also, any scene with Murdoch, Copley plays him so hilariously insane you can't help but smile every time he appears on screen just in preparation for what he might do.

I'm not going to pretend this is a masterpiece of cinematography - there are parts of the movie and the plans that I am still catching, even on this - my twentieth or so - viewing. But do I care? No. And neither should you. As Hannibal says, "Overkill is underrated." The movie is outrageous, and enjoyable precisely because it is so outrageous. This movie is solid action movie fun.

For the past ten years Negotiator has been my favorite film. Although I only ever watch from about thirty minutes in to thirty minutes out - the bits actually in the building to be frank. But I love every minute of A-Team and it is so totally my new favorite. I'm so pissed I didn't go see it in the theaters. I don't think it was marketed well to the 18-34 year old female demographic, frankly.

If you haven't seen it, get it. If you did and didn't like it, give it another chance. Serious. It deserves it. I pity the fool who doesn't see this movie.

Alpha. Mike. Foxtrot.

Bad Project

There is something truly amazing about this. Not just a group singing Lady GaGa's Bad Romance, but they parodied it in a tribute I can totally identify with it.

A really bad joke...

A bunch of functions are sitting in a restaurant when suddenly, a crazy masked operator bursts in the door.

"I'm here to rob this place and I'm going to start differentiating all y'all if you don't leave right now!"

All the functions make a run for the door, except one sitting in a booth near the back. The operator notices this and says "Hey, didn't you hear me? I'll differentiate you til there ain't nothin' left!"

The function in the back smiles, "Go ahead, I'm e^x."

Banned Books Week

It's that time of year again! Banned books week has come around, like a bad case of herpes.* Last year I honored the occasion with a repost of a review I did of Where's Waldo in 2007. This year you get a brand spankin' new review.

Feel special.

Since its release in 2005, one book has held the number one spot for most challenged book on the American Library Association's list. This book has at times been challenged as: anti-ethnic, anti-family, homosexuality, religious viewpoint, and unsuited to age group.

What is this book that does so much to threaten the minds of our children?

And Tango Makes Three
Peter Parnell & Justin Richardson
Grade: A+

Y'all, its a book about penguins. Two penguins who adopted an egg and raised it in a loving pair unit.

The two penguins in question happen to both be male.

Apparently, this is indicative of a large-scale moral crisis in America. If even the penguins are turning to the radical left-wing homosexual agenda, what chance do our children have?

If you are a person with half a brain in your head, you read the above statement in the sarcastic tone it was intended. But here's the problem, there are people out there who actually believe this. That actually believe that by telling our children that two male penguins hatched and raised an egg together it might somehow undermine the very social fabric of this great nation of ours.

The thing is, it doesn't undermine the social fabric of our nation, it undermines their own preconceived notions of what makes a healthy society. If penguins - animals that cannot reason, love or pray to god - can have a healthy monogamous, homosexual relationship then the moral high ground that the same behavior in people is against the natural order of things fails. If penguins and giraffes and bonobos can create lasting homosexual partnerships then its not unnatural - it's not wicked mankind turning away from god. It's people doing exactly as god intended - or why would he allow the beasts of the field to do it?

People drive me crazy for the most part, and gut reaction and prejudice against one of the most adorable children's books I've ever seen is not just a waste of breath and energy, it is entirely unworthy of us as a species.

Poorly done America, poorly done.



*I apologize to everyone for that analogy.

I Love Ray Bradbury

And so does this girl.

Totally, totally not safe for work. In fact, I'm not entirely sure the embed is safe for work.



And I don't give a damn whether or not you consider Ray Bradbury to be a science fiction writer, he wrote a great many stories that are science fiction - even he admits to it - and most of the ones she alludes to fall in that category.

STS-132

I use the term "awesome" quite a bit, but I rarely use it in its strictest sense.

awesome: to inspire awe and wonder

When I saw the space shuttle back in January at the Smithsonian, which apparently I didn't blog about (what's up with that?), that was awesome. I stood there and quite literally cried. Overwhelming tears of... not exactly joy. Hope maybe? The idea that mankind is journeying into space, that we are leaving the planet that gave birth to us, that is truly amazing to me.

I didn't cry when I watched Atlantis take off on it's last voyage. But my heart leapt into my throat and didn't leave for a full fifteen minutes - long after the shuttle itself was out of sight. It was awesome.

We did not end up watching from the Kennedy Space Center (no tickets) or from Space View Park. Instead, I got onto google maps and found a place that would blow the pants off any other (free) view of the launch. And it did. We were on the beach, with a clear view straight across the water at the launch pad in our own personal Corona commercial. Palm trees and a breeze off the water - it was perfect.

I left the image full size, if you click and embiggenate it you can see two dots on the right side of the horizon, the one on the right is the launchpad in use. We were closer than the picture seems, I swear. This is a completely non-zoomed image.

We were 10-miles away, just outside the NASA imposed limit of how close you can be. Slightly closer than Space View park in fact if you look at it on a map. The gentleman who was kind enough to help us find our way from the road asked that we not share the knowledge with the world. If you end up at a shuttle launch let me know by email (nerdheroine@gmail.com) and I'll direct you that way. Maybe. If I like you.

There are two launches left, Endeavor in September and Discovery in November. If there is any way at all, go see one of these. You will not regret it.

Iron Man 2

Alternate title: Iron Man has a built in garter belt.*

(Spoilers will be hidden behind white text. If you want to read it, highlight it. If it was revealed in the previews I don't consider it a spoiler)

It seems to be par for the course that if someone puts on the cape and tights (or costume of their choice) in their first movie, in the second they will end up facing the Wile E. Coyote Law of Unintended Consequences. What is this law, you might ask? I shall tell you.

No matter if what you do has the desired effect, it will have three at least you never expected, and at least one of those will usually be unpleasant.

In Iron Man’s case, Tony Stark finds that after the events of Iron Man his artificial heart/power source/ battery/ whatever thingmajig is not performing as well as he might hope. Okay, it is in fact killing him. Also, the US government is not happy with a private citizen owning what basically amounts to a one-man army. As much as I am in favor of one’s personal property being exempt from government interference, I can kind of see where they’re coming from with this.

Into all of this comes Ivan Venko, the son of one of Stark Sr’s colleagues back in the day. He’s holding a grudge (rightfully so) about how the Stark’s ended up with all the money and prestige and money for what was in fact a joint project between Papas Venko and Stark. He decides to create a set of lightening whips and go after Tony Stark. You know, as you do. That is certainly my immediate answer when I am holding a lifelong blood feud against someone. Giant lightening whips. Comic book characters have the weirdest set of responses to situations of anyone, ever.

The thing is. You know Ivan Venko is a bad guy the moment he is introduced during the opening credits. He’s plotting to take down the title character, he’s grubby, he’s Russian and he’s being played by Mickey Rourke. In fact, any one of those things should clue you in to his allegiances to the forces of darkness. But when you get down to it, he had a point and I think he was in the right to seek some recompense from the Starks. Now, his methods don’t really bear up under scrutiny (see Lightening Whips) but I couldn’t help but feel for him.

I think it is a testament to the writers and to Robert Downey Jr that despite my sympathies laying with Venko, I was rooting for Stark the whole way. He’s a rich playboy who really has very few redeeming qualities... but we like him. He’s not annoying or ingratiating, we actually enjoy watching him be a total douche to people. Or at least I do. It’s been said before, but if ever there was a role the RDJ was born to play, Tony Stark is it.

Mickey Rourke.... I cannot talk about him in this movie without sharing this anecdote. It is fairly spoilery so: When Venko goes to work for Hammer and hacks his way into the Hammer Industries computer system, he puts on this little pair of reading glasses while he is typing. He’s grubby and gold toothed and looks like a cross between a homeless person and a street fighter and in that moment, typing with those glasses on, he became Sexy Physicist Man and I totally fell in lust. I really loved his portrayal of both Venko and his alter-ego Whiplash. While Whiplash’s “superpower” is based in technology, it is still a very weird character and I think it could have easily been ruined by someone going all Indiana Jones with the whips. Rourke just makes him scary. I flinched when he started slinging those things around.

There is a fair amount of other stuff going on as well. There is a rival weapons dealer and the creation of the Warhammer suit and all kinds of things but my "reviews" were never meant to be summaries, simply an outline of what I liked and disliked. I liked this movie. A lot.

Iron Man (original flavor) was a powerhouse of a movie that found the middle ground between the older comic book movies (Superman, Batman, Batman Returns) and the newer, edgier movies (Batman Begins, Dark Knight and to some extent Wolverine). It took everything that made the Spiderman and X-Men movies good and polished it until it shone. Iron Man 2 does not exceed the original, very few sequels do, but I believe it more than lived up to the promise of the first and I would gladly go see an Iron Man 3 based on this movie alone.



Note: Like the first one, Iron Man 2 has an after credits scene that is more than worth waiting for if you are a comic book fan, or a fan of the comic movies. If you’re not, it’s probably okay to skip out on it.

*Yes, yes he does. I tried to find a picture of it for y'all but just trust me, the paint job on the Iron Man suit is very *ahem* risqué shall we say?

Clash of the Titans

So, there's this little girl sitting in front of me at the theater with her parents. She could not have been more than four or five. I saw her when I sat down and I remember thinking, I'm not sure this is going to be a good movie for somebody that young. Fast forward to about halfway through the movie. A not-so-big-baddie has had his hand chopped off and his dripping blood. Everywhere his blood lands, a giant OMFG scorpion is birthed out of the sand. So the sand starts churning for the first one, and the scorpion begins to arise.... suddenly, from in front of me, I hear the little girl go "Aw crap."

I laughed so hard. She was absolutely the best part of that movie.

That should tell you something I guess. Don't get me wrong: I loved it like cake, but it was by no means a good movie. Neither could it manage to cross the line into "so bad it's good". Instead it's in that middle ground of just plain bad where no movie has a right to be.

Again though, I loved it like cake. Liam Neeson filled cakey goodness... mmmm....

Is it possible to spoil a thirty year old movie? A movie that is in fact older than I am? A movie based on 3,000+ year old myths? Virtually the entire movie is: Monster! [fight monster] Monster! [fight monster] Monster! [fight monster] Monster! [fight monster]

Okay, so what happens is that in times long past Zeus seduced the wife of Acrisius and she had a son named Perseus. I kind of want to stop already to point out that she was at least lucky enough to have Zeus appear in the form of her husband. Others were not so lucky. Actually, in the original myth Zeus appears to Perseus' mother in the form of a golden rain and you know what? I don't even need to make that joke do I?

Gee? Where was I? Anyway, Perseus grows up with an adopted family who hate the gods, and it turns out the gods hate them right back because they get killed before Pete Postlethwaite (a veteran "Hey, it's that guy!") really has a chance to get going which is sad and makes me tear up a little even now.

Man, you can tell I don't have a whole lot to say about the movie when I keep getting sidetracked like this.

Anyway, Zeus is convinced by Hades (Ralph Fiennes who makes a way better Voldemort if you ask me) to punish a city called Argos for not worshiping as they should. Hades tells the city to sacrifice the king's daughter or they will all be fed to the Kraken - which is so not what Zeus told him to do but whatever...

You know what? Let's start over. Perseus goes on quest to find the magical thing to save the people. Magical thing is obtained, the city is saved, there is much rejoicing.

The historian in me who has studied Greek mythology flipped her shit through about 98% of this movie. The person in me who loves bad movies thought it was the most amazing CGI spectacle I have ever seen in my life. So know that. They are very very free with their mythology.

Rant? RANT! Zeus turns into an eagle, that's cool. That's how it's supposed to be. Why oh why did it have to be a bald eagle? Was that really necessary? Did you think we wouldn't like Zeus if he had some sort of generic eagle? Is this an American Zeus? Every time that damn eagle went flying I would die a little inside.

(I do love how Perseus denies that Zeus is his father, despite "Zeus" being in his name for all intents and purposes. Hades even pronounces it Per-Zeus.)

The monster effects were superb and in my opinion pretty damn seamless. Someone, somewhere has mastered the art of CG water which is nice to know. There are scorpions and horsey-birds and ogres and a big f-off KRAKEN. Clash of the Titans Kraken > Pirates of the Caribbean Kraken. By a lot. This was what a kraken is supposed to be, and it doesn't get anywhere near enough screen time in my opinion. I would watch two hours of the Kraken kicking stuff over and drowning people. I totally totally would.

This movie was entirely predictable and a great deal of fun. If you can enjoy a movie without needing it to stimulate your higher reasoning skills in any way whatsoever then this is the movie for you.

(Edited to add: Because of this review I am now the number four hit for the Google search "Zeus bald eagle". I can die happy.)

Movies Anonymous

"Uh... hi. My name is Nerd Heroine and I have bad taste in movies."

"Hi Nerd Heroine."

"I guess it started when I was a teenager. Other kids were talking about how good Braveheart was, I was sitting at home rewatching Tremors over and over."

*concerned mumbling*

"It just got worse and worse. ConAir, Snakes on a Plane, Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country, Young Guns 2. And it wasn't just a little here and there. I got into some really hard stuff: Deep Blue Sea, Alien3, Batman & Robin-"

*gasp*

"I know, I know, but the batsuit had nipples, how could I resist something that awesome?"

"It sounds like you had a real problem, what happened?"

"Oh I did, it got really bad for a while, I was watching the Star Wars Christmas Special and it wasn't even on a dare. Then I met someone, and for the first time I was ashamed. I mean, I never had been before, it never occurred to me that what I was doing was wrong you know? But suddenly I was watching clips on youtube and my DVDs were in a box in the attic. I didn't want him to know. I was terrified he'd find out. And one day, we went to see... oh god, it was awful."

"Let it all out, you'll feel better."

"We saw Terminator: Salvation."

"Oh dear."

"I know! I wasn't even thinking and he asked if I liked it and I just blurted out how great it was. The look in his eyes, I can still see it..."

"It's okay, it's okay. You've been walking a long and lonely road Heroine. Acceptance is the first step toward healing, you're on the right track. We can help you."

*polite clapping*

"Oh no, no, you don't understand. He liked it too! It turns out he doesn't have great taste in movies either!"

"Honey, this man, he's an enabler. You should get far away from him."

"But-"

"No. You need to look inside yourself, do you want to be that person? The one with the crazy DVD collection?"

"Kind of..."

"If you're not serious about getting help you should leave."

"I don't want help, I just want to let you know that there is someone out there for you, someone who will sit on the couch and watch Jaws 3 with you."

"You should leave."

"I'm still working on Batman and Robin, I'm not sure he's ready for that yet..."

"Out."

[All events above are purely fictional and comedic. I went to the midnight showing of Terminator: Salvation by myself. And it was awesome.]

The Goddamn Batman

Oh my gods. Oh my gods. Oh my gods.

I don't really like to label one thing over another as being the "best" because it's all subjective and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and really, at any given moment what is "best" is likely to change. It may also change depending on who I am talking to at any given moment.

All that being said.... I received the best birthday present in the mail last Monday from J. Yes it was a week late, no I do not care.

I got comics. Not just any comics either, BATMAN comics. Oh! and Buffy comics (which I really enjoyed, but come on... Batman!)



Did you just hear a choir of angels sing? 'Cause I sure did.

In case you can't see, the is Fray, Batman Year 100, Batman Year One, and The Killing Joke. All of which I read the same night. That's how excited I was. Is this the wrong place to admit that I had never read any of these before? In fact, my only Batman collection until now 'Arkham Asylum'.

Someone knows how to make me happy, let me tell you.

There were a couple other things in the package, but they were personal and without specifically talking to J (and because I want to keep some portion of my personal life private) I am not including them. Y'all will live, I'm sure.

So as a note to anyone out there who wants to win my eternal love and devotion, this is how you do it.

Can I also add here, that this post gave me reason enough to create a 'Batman' tag, and all is now right in my world?

Ok Go - This too shall pass

I am such a sucker for a Rube Goldberg machine, I really am. This is truly the best I have ever seen. The best part is, this is actually the music video for the song "This too shall pass" and I can only assume the guys in it are OK Go themselves.

Well done sirs.

Sherlock Holmes

It is unfortunate that in my life I have only read the collection of Holmesian short-stories which revolve around some hapless person coming to Holmes with a problem. After which, Holmes talks out the explanation for three or four pages without ever leaving 221B Baker Street. Next story.

Which, if the 'unfortunate' in the above paragraph didn't clue you in, kind of sucked. I was never exposed to the finer Holmes stories, Cleolinda assures me they exist, so never understood the fan love.

What this boils down to is I went into the Sherlock Holmes movie with incredibly low expectations.

The movie's basic plot picks up partway through the Sherlock Holmes adventures. Watson is about to move out and marry Mary, Holmes has previously met Irene Adler and he is quite famous already as a detective. The movie opens on an occult ritual being performed by the villainous Lord Blackwood who is apprehended (maybe even on purpose). The main plot revolves around the fact that after being hung for the practice of black magic and murder - in that order I might add - Lord Blackwood rises from the grave to continue being a total badass wizard.*

*Some or all of those facts may have been dramatized for the purposes of this review.

I don't want to go too far into it as the movie is worth watching with as few spoilers as possible (unlike, for example Avatar whose plot you could see coming for miles). I will say that the supernatural plot points have an explanation that won't make you want to throw things.

But what I really want to talk about is HoYay!, cause whoa and damn. If I wasn't as familiar as I am with Holmes I would think they spent all of their off screen time making out. I did actually lean over to my mother partway to whisper "Oh just kiss already". But Holmes is asexual, and I do think that the relationship between Holmes and Watson is a reflection on Holmes's complete inability to form a normal human attachment. He quite simply has no clue how to handle normal human emotions, and the feelings of brotherly love for Watson manifest in odd ways.

On that note, I am choosing to interpret the Irene/Sherlock love as a lot closer to the book's portrayal. I do beleiev that Adler cerainly harbors affection, perhaps lust, for Holmes. But Holmes is more fascinated by her methods, and while his body reacts to her as a woman, his mind is apart from it. They have two kisses, one instigated by Adler while Holmes is unconscious, and one of a more fatherly/brotherly nature from Holmes (not on lips). I originally took the line about Adler getting their old room as a deliberate attempt to misdirect Holmes' brain, when the room in question was the scene of a crime or heist perhaps.

I did love love love the boxing and bartitsu. If you've never heard of bartitsu, it is a martial art that focuses on eastern fighting style with an emphasis on defense using your walking stick. That's right, Sherlock Holmes was considered a master of a martial art that would beat you to death with a cane. The boxing and bartitsu are canon, and often forgotten about amidst the tweed and deerstalker hats.

I truly deeply enjoyed this movie, have already seen it twice in fact. I can highly recommend it to both Doyle fans and people's whose only knowledge of Holmes is the phrase 'no shit Sherlock'.

The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards

Cleolinda Jones
Grade: A

I don't even know where to start with this book because if you don't know what the Movies in Fifteen Minutes are, you're not going to really get the Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes.

Back in, what was it, '04?, Cleolinda Jones (names have been changed to protect the innocent, that and like me she uses a nom de plume online) wrote a parody/summary of Van Helsing called "Van Helsing in Fifteen Minutes." Others followed, she got a book deal (that hoor) and went on to take the Twilight fandom by storm.

But that's just the backstory, I personally caught up with Cleolinda during the Potterdamurung. Since then, I have been a pretty rabid (hey look! froth!) follower of her blog. When the Compocalypse struck this last August and everything that Cleo had so much as glanced at quit working, she went back to work she knew was successful, spruced it up a bit, and decided to sell it on Lulu. I tell you all of this backstory because, despite the horror, it is pretty funny and if you've got a few hours to spare (serious, bring a snack) you should go read all about it.

The Annotated Movies in Fifteen Minutes: Wizards is the M15M entries for Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (all of which are free online) with annotations by Cleo herself. They include the origins of w00t, commentary on Narcissa Malfoy's hair and six degrees of M15M which sounds like fun. Also, I did not know the origins of w00t. I'm a bad nerd.

Before you even buy the book, Cleo starts with the funny "..it's actually sort of interactive. I mean, it won't play checkers with you or anything, but it does stuff dead-tree books can't do..." and it only gets better from there. I don't want to give away any of the jokes, so I'm just going to gush a little more about how great it was without giving you any examples.

The thing is, I am a huge HP fangirl. Go read my Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince movie review if your curious. What I love is that it is very evident that I'm not the only one of the two of us who loved the Harry Potter books. The fact that these were something that she both loved in book and movie format shines through every word and it separates it from many other parodies out there. Not liking it and making fun of it can be funny. But when people who genuinely love something understand its flaws, that has the potential for hilarity. Cleo hits it perfectly.

I'm going to go ahead and throw this out here, 'cause it seems to fit. This is the second book I've read recently that functioned as a commentary for something I really enjoyed. The first being, of course, Memories of the Future; and while Wheaton left me a little confused and disappointed, Cleo knocked it out of the park. I actually LOLed. If you've never read Harry Potter you can still read this. If you've never seen the movies it's still easy to read. Of course it helps to have done one or both, but it is not necessary. It does help a bit if you are familiar with the M15M format or you might be a little lost for a bit.

My only complaint (and it is a tiny tiny one) is that on my ereader it will not be anywhere near as much fun. This is because Johnny 505 does not have wireless so none of the links will work. This is definitely best read on a Kindle with wifi or on your document viewer of choice on your computer. I read it in my Ubuntu document viewer and it was lovely.

I can't stress enough how much you need to buy this book. At $6.25 it's a total steal and I'll probably buy another copy on principle. (Aw, Lulu won't let me. I haz a sad.)

What are you doings still reading this, go!

Note: Yes, I call proper authors by the last name (Wheaton, Moning, etc.) yet I call Ms Jones by her first. This is because it isn't her real name anyway and the Jones is tacked on because people need a last name, even fake ones. She will be Cleo until I decide otherwise. This has been your friendly neighborhood "you totally didn't care did you" announcement.

Death From the Skies!

Philip Plait, PhD
Grade: A

Death from the Skies! Oh sweet Lord, we're all gonna die. How?, you might be asking. The answer is easier if you ask, What in the universe is not trying to kill us? The answer is nothing, nothing wants us to live; everything in the universe is out to get us.

I repeat, we're all gonna die.

(Here’s what I took from each chapter, these are by no means meant to be summaries. The ratings express in general how terrifying I find being around for it to be. It’s a scale of 1-5)

Target Earth: Asteroid and Comet Impacts

Apophis. I want you to go write that name down right this minute. Why? Because on April 13 2029, Friday the 13^th and I am so not making that up, Apophis will pass closer to earth than some of our satellites. That’s right, Apophis may get closer than the T-Mobile satellite powering your future wrist-phone. And while it may miss us this time around, if it passes through the wrong spot, it will most certainly hit us in 2036. That’s nine years to try and move a rock big enough to basically set the planet on fire. Yay.

This was my favourite chapter as it was the easiest to actually wrap your mind around. B612 Foundation: I can haz Science? Also, thanks for the “There’s not even enough time to worry” there Dr Plait, I think I shall begin right this minute. Put that in your metaphorical pipe and smoke it.

Paragraph of Dissension: When did an asteroid/comet hit become the accepted theory for dinosaur extinction? Back when I was studying on dinosaurs there was still a lot of disagreement over what caused what and when. Now I turn around and everywhere is all “Yeah, dinosaurs got knocked off* by an asteroid, where have you been?” I’ve been doing very important things! Also, admittedly, the last time I was really into dinosaurs was when Jurassic Park came out so that’s nearly twenty years. I concede that a lot can happen in that time.

*Please note that getting knocked off by an asteroid is totally different than getting knocked up by an asteroid.

Sunburn

So “death” by sunburn isn’t so much death by sunburn as it is “total collapse of the world’s economies and perhaps even civilisation” by sunburn. Strangely, in light of later chapters I found this oddly comforting. The wave of radiation from the sun would be mildly annoying here on earth. At the ISS we get the Fantastic 7 – yeah, you know that bit at the beginning of Fantastic 4 before things got interesting, that’s pretty much what would happen to the ISS crew. Only quite likely way less cool. The crew actually have a special place they hide to avoid getting mutant powers. This is why I could never be an astronaut.

Actually, a solar phenomenon is what brought down SkyLab (I’d mark this as “Things I did not know” but that list grew extensively during this book), the solar flare caused the earth’s atmosphere to puff up then drag it down. One can only presume it happened in slo-mo while SkyLab’s partner screamed “Nooooo!”.

He also brings up a good point. I remember all through school learning that Sol was only an “average sun”. Not huge, not tiny, just kind of there. Dude, even an “average” sun is a pretty freaking awesome sun.

FYI: Looking at the sun with the naked eye = not as bad as people have been telling you. I’ve done it while watching a sunrise (although admittedly, the sunlight is going through a lot more atmosphere then and not quite so bad for you). Look at the sun directly through any kind of helpful magnifying equipment = boil the fluid in your eyeball. Let’s not do that, kay?

The Stellar Fury of Supernovae

The awesomeness of this is somewhat tempered by the fact that it is really unlikely to happen to us. Here in our solar system. That’s not to say we might not go exploring at some point in our future and be very very unlucky.

Also learned that all the elements as we know them had their start in supernovae. That’s kind of cool. Also, also learned that supernovae is the plural of supernova. Even my spell-checker recognises it.

Cosmic Blowtorches: Gamma-Ray Bursts

Aw shit. I don’t care how “unlikely” Plait says this is, next to black holes *shudder* this is the absolute scariest thing I can imagine happening. Later chapters are pretty scary, but totally mind-boggling and as such, don’t carry the same shazam! Also, massive stars, black holes, twin beams of death, this is totally how they should have destroyed Romulus. Supernova, shmupernova.

We’re talking about an event occuring 100 light years away. A place so far away it takes light, something that travels so fast it took us thousands of years to notice it travelled at all, 100 years to get here. And that event is powerful enough heat roast you and instantly destroy our ozone layer. Three cheers for gamma-ray bursts! May you always be so terrifying.

The Bottomless Pits of Black Holes

ad infinitum

Just go read this chapter. If you’re too tight on money to buy it, see if you can convince Amazon to help you out with the ‘Look Inside’ feature. Note: spaghettification may be my new favourite word. Also note: I’ve had black hole based nightmares for the last three days.

This did cause me to think of two questions:

1. Can planets orbit a small black hole? I know that galaxies can (and do) but it seems that with a sufficient source of matter to feed the black hole, a planet could conceivably orbit it as one might a star. Since the black hole will be giving of light, this planet could also conceivably support life. This would have the added benefit of making it the coolest form(s) of life ever, and the winner of every ‘rough childhood’ storytelling game for all time.

2. Could a sufficiently large star swallow a sufficiently small black hole? It seems that this should be possible, but given the nature of black holes may be a total nonsensical statement. If it is, I apologise – but then again, can a black hole cannibalise another black hole? What happens when two black holes meet?

I totally should have gone into astronomy. Stupid archaeobotany.

Alien Attack!

Plait makes much of, if there is suitably intelligent life out there, theory states that we should have met them by now. Sure, but maybe we’re the first to advance to this stage. Also, given the Drake Equation (which he doesn’t explain, maybe he just assumes everyone is familiar with it. I was, but I’m special like that) it’s quite likely that given the other variables, life could evolve countless times, just not in time to meet each other. Both myself and my great-great grandparents existed. But we never got to meet each other. (NOT an insinuation that alien life will be descended from earth life, or vice versa. Just an analogy. A bad one actually.)

I’m only going to leave you with this: either we are alone in the universe or we are not. Both ideas are overwhelming.

The Death of the Sun

This would be way more scary if we weren’t going to have a lot of prep time when it happens. I give it two skulls because the fact that it won’t happen in my lifetime is balanced out by how pants-wettingly terrifying it would be if it did.

Bright Lights, Big Galaxy

That black hole sitting at the center of our galaxy? Worrisome. That black hole sitting at the middle of the Andromeda galaxy? You know, the one that will one day merge with ours in an apocalyptic scenario that makes me weep? WTF? We’re gonna get eaten by another galaxy? The Milky Way is going to eat another galaxy? Either way, I’m very disappointed in you Milky Way. Eating your own kind... bad galaxy, bad.

The End of Everything

?

I could not wrap my head completely around this chapter. Moments of lucidity were punctuated by the knowledge that I had no grasp whatsoever of the scale of what was eventually going to happen. That’s how the universe is supposed to work. I do however, love Plait’s venturing that we might get an ‘infinite do-over’. Was that meant to be reassuring?

What, Me Worry?

I harbour a fantasy where I had gone into astronomy or astrophysics or some other ‘astro’ related field. In my fantasy, I spend a lot of time looking at stars, doing math and discovering heretofore unknown laws of the universe. Yes, in my fantasy I am Albert Einstein. What I did not imagine was that I would spend any portion of time contemplating doomsday scenarios and worrying about being hit by a giant rock.

Part of me wants to move to another planet. This will not, however, solve the problem of black holes, gamma ray bursts, supernovae, asteroids, or well virtually anything. In fact, moving may in fact increase my risks. So I shall stay here on earth and keep an eye to the heavens. When the day comes, I shall be aware... not that I can do much about it...

District 9

Drug my dad to see District 9. Explained it as ‘aliens land and are put in concentration camps’ which is just about all I knew about it. I started following the early viral sites: Multinational United, D-9, Maths From Outer Space, MNU Spreads Lies - but not with any kind of regularity.

I saw Wolverine last May, which despite what other reviews say was not a total waste of time, and before it was the preview for what at the time I described as a strange and fascinating little movie. That is totally what District 9 is, this completely bizarre movie that will leave you both enraptured and confused. It’s this year’s Cloverfield.

Not-So-Quick Summary: Twenty years ago a large alien spaceship arrived on earth and settled over Johannesburg. After a few months of nothing happening, humans finally broke into the ship to discover about a million aliens in a cargo bay malnourished and maybe a little crazy. After spending some time helping the aliens, deemed ‘prawns’ for slang, the alien camp is turned over to Multi National United. MNU is a private corporation, weapons manufacturer and mercenary distributor. On the plus side, we cannot use alien technology. On the downside, shit is about to hit the fan.

Wikus van der Merwe works for MNU. Wikus has put in charge of alerting the prawns that they are being moved from District 9 away from the city to District 10. Wikus van der Merwe is not the brightest bulb on the porch. Finding alien technology, he sprays himself in the face. Rather than immediately knocking him out (which would have been hilarious at that point), it slowly begins to change him into an alien. MNU is at first not pleased, until they discover he can use the alien technology. Wikus solicits an alien(who has the best alien name ever)’s help to get himself un-aliened; but the prawn wants to get to his ship so he can go home and then rescue his people on earth.

Shit, it is going down. Loudly.

Here’s the thing. There is not a doubt in my mind that if a group of aliens showed up on earth lacking in some sort of defensive capability that would stop us – we would totally do exactly this to them. Relegate them to second class citizen status and experiment on them. Humans, by and large, are nasty, brutish creatures. Honest, I do believe that at the edge of our solar system there is a little flashing beacon warning ‘Abandon Hope all ye who enter here.’ And if there’s not, there should be. In fact, while I expected to argue this point with my dad on the way out, he was there before me.

I will say this, the third act, while engaging, devolved into thirty minutes of people exploding, losing limbs, or dying in otherwise horrific ways. I’m telling you, shit is going down. In my perfect movie, they would have left a lot of that out and focussed more on what (if anything) are the repercussions of the ending. As it is, while several Very Important Things happen, we have no closure. No way of knowing if it was all for a purpose or nor naught.

I enjoyed the movie immensely. It was no Star Trek to make me go back half a dozen times, but I will probably try to see it at least once more before it leaves the theatres. I’d say it is easily the best alien movie in years, maybe since Independence Day. But ID was never really about the aliens, it was about humanity. I’d go so far back as ET on comparable movies – although the theme and message of this one is quite different.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Oh Harry Potter, how I have missed you.

Harry Potter was pretty much the defining force behind my college years. I read the first four my senior year of high school. The fifth I bought while on a family vacation in Italy. While everyone else was soaking up the sun on a Mediterranean beach, I was sitting on our balcony reading a copy of Order of the Phoenix that I’d bought at the Rome Termini station. I sat outside the Richmond Waterstone’s for the midnight release of both Half Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows – each was finished the same night.

I’m the Nerd Heroine and I am an HP fangirl. So take the following with a grain of salt. They could have done the movie in claymation and I would have shilled out nine bucks to see it. Also, spoilers. If you intend to see the movie and haven’t read the books – well, first of all what’s wrong with you? Second, I will be revealing minor stuff. Major stuff shall still be hid.

Contrary to what I’d read, it wasn’t as dark as I was expecting it to be. After Order of the Phoenix, I was half expecting to leave the movie in tears with a desire to kill myself. All in all, I think this didn’t have the same air of desperation that OotP did. It did have its moments of course; by which I mean, and all forgiveness to cross-referencing here, Why so Sirius Dumbledore? Although I knew it was coming, it still made me tear up.

That said, I think this was by far the funniest of the Harry Potter movies. It was partly the energy in the theater, and partly because it is in fact very very funny. On the flip side, I don’t think it has been ever more obvious that Harry Potter, and indeed the Harry Potter franchise, has grown up. Even OotP still seemed like kids playing a game with grownups. This is the first time the characters are allowed to stand up for themselves as adults on their own terms.

I remember being annoyed with the sixth book because it focused so much on the raging hormones of being an adolescent. And while I remember what I was like as a sixteen year old, I have no desire to relive it. It was played well in the movie and I didn’t want to shoot any of the main characters. Lavender? She can go away forever.

And! What was with Ginny tying Harry’s shoe at the Burrow? A woman two seats away went “What!?” which made the whole audience laugh as we were all thinking the same thing. She made herself subservient to him. Ginny was always shown as being more than Harry’s equal. What was up with that? I kind of wrote it off as romantic awkwardness, but it wasn’t very well played if it was. But she then chased after him into the flaming fire of non-canon fiery death OMG! so it all rather of evened out for me. I know you don't have a huge appearance in the last book, but be more awesome Ginny.

Total Spoilers: Yeah, they left out Dumbledore’s funeral. In the book it offered a denouement after the Battle for Hogwarts: Origins. In the movie, the original Battle for Hogwarts never happens. Bellatrix, Greyback et al show up, hang out taunting Draco for a bit [and yay Tom Felton, he had like three lines, but the lurking and scheming was awesome], watch Snape kill Dumbledore and waltz out. Harry gives chase, Snape becomes snarky. The end. There’s no need for a denouement. Nothing happens – well, other than the obvious. The emotional catharsis comes from the wands-held-high memorial the students and staff give Dumbledore. And it works well within the movie. [Denouement? Catharsis? Yes, I took AP Literature, why do you ask?]

Oh! And the bit with the Inferi on the lake where they kept showing shots of the water and the music was like 'La la la nothing to see here' and everyone who read the book knew that shit was about to go down. But it didn't and didn't and didn't and by the time it did my feet were in my seat and I was watching the movie with my hands over my ears and my eyes half-closed. Well played, Mr Yates. Well played indeed.

It is a good Half Blood Prince movie. I personally would have included different scenes and a slightly different tone, but it wasn’t my movie and the one they made was pretty damn good.

All that’s left is Deathly Hallows I & II. The Potterdämmerung is here y’all. I’m stocking up on canned goods and 1,084,170* words of magical goodness.

Production Sidenote: I have never believed Michael Gambon looked so muck like Ian McKellan as he did in this movie. When he was at the top of the Astronomy Tower at the end, I kept expecting him to bellow 'You shall not pass!' at Malfoy. He's a great actor and all, and this was one of his finer performances, but Michael Gambon will unfortunately always be a poor man's Ian McKellan for me. Sorry Mr. Gambon!

*Serious, that’s the total word count of the Harry Potter books. I cried when I found out my senior thesis was supposed to be 15,000 words. JK Rowling laughs in the face of lesser prose - mwa ha ha!

Terminator Salvation

Let me start by saying this: I am not a Terminator fan. I’ve seen the first three movies, and was a sufficient age for the third one to see it in theatres and be moderately entertained. I know Skynet and John Connor when I hear them and can place them appropriately in the fandom. That’s as much my general SciFi geekness as anything though.

Terminator Salvation was a movie. I have a hard time of saying whether it was ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Things happened, stuff blew up, people were terminated – it was a movie. It had no redeeming social value whatsoever, but I did enjoy it for the most part. Way more than I did Angels and Demons *ptew* which I was actually looking forward to and can’t say without spitting now, it was that bad.

Terminator Salavation was simply kind of there. I do think that had I not gone to the midnight showing I would have liked it significantly less. The 80% male crowd I was with was rowdy and loving it. They kind of made the movie for me.

To start, was anyone surprised that Marcus ended up being a Terminator? They showed it in the trailers for Cthuhlu’s sake! It was so obviously spoiled for everyone that I’m not even going to hide it behind white text. I am more than willing to suspend disbelief - I’m very good at it, it’s what makes SciFi and Fantasy so much fun for me. I would have been honestly surprised when the big reveal came, complete with a soundtrack that said ‘Hey look, he’s not what you thought!’. It would have been cool. Instead, the audience yawned and impatiently tapped their toes while waiting for the movie to progress. Bugger you sideways trailer/preview people, it would have been the only awesome thing in the movie.

Note: I was totally spoiled for a facet of Helena Bonham Carter’s character, which in the end never turned up. In fact, I’m curious as to how much of her story was cut. It seemed like there was a whole other thing going on that we only saw hints of. Moving on…

The movie itself was super cool in the effects department and I like how the post-apocalyptic world under Skynet turned out. Although, my toaster could have found the remaining human encampments, they were that well hidden. Also, did anyone else think it was weird that Connor was practically pimping his mother out from the future?

The main thing, and the only reason I would see the movie again, was this: Arnold Schwarzeneggar. The CGI cameo of Ahnold was rockin’ awesome. The whole theatre cheered. Seeing the connection from this origin movie to the original Terminator was a nice touch that actually redeemed the movie a great deal.

All in all, if someone had it on I’d watch it, but I wouldn’t spend money on it. Even for you Christian Bale.

Also: go read this.