Riding a Squirrel like it was a Taun-Taun

(I don't really want to do too many of these as they are, very much, Cleolinda's thing. But it's been a while since she updated and I had an urge so.... yeah...)

Oh man, where do I even begin with the drama?

When last we left the dynamic duo, Edward Sparklepants Cullen had been grounded and was back in his box while I removed anything flammable from McCoy's reach. It was not surprising at all that Edward and McCoy would not get along - those two don't get along with anyone in canon, why would I expect different in real life? Because I am an eternal optimist that really really wants things to go well, that's why.

Yeah, I'm an idiot.

So, Christmas was a bad season here in the Heroine household. Lots of new toys, no time to mess with the old one. Most of my stuff is still packed from my not-move back in October, but I have a half dozen dolls and whatnot who are mostly capable of keeping themselves occupied. McCoy has spent most of the winter engaging in outside adventures; once I swear I saw him riding a squirrel across the snow like it was a Taun-Taun. He took a lot of shit for that from me. Mostly because how do you explain that to the neighbors?

Edward... let's just say that Edward is so far up Shit Creek by the time I'm writing this that I've considered setting him on fire myself. It all started one Thursday afternoon about three weeks ago....


"He's eating my squirrels."



I put down my pencil. Even crazy is a welcome break from Calculus. "Who is doing what in with the what now?"

"Sparklepants, he's been eating my squirrels."



"Your squirrels? And how do you know this?" Oh my god... "Do we have vampire squirrels? Tell me we don't have vampire squirrels." I went and threw the door open, "DOG! Get in here now."

"No, he's not turning them, but haven't you noticed there are less of them about?"


What does less squirrels look like? They still seemed to be everywhere, but McCoy wasn't prone to carrying tales... well, there was the one time Boromir got into it with Snape but that was ages ago. Three whole months at least.

"I'll talk with him."

Easier said than done. Edward no longer spent much time in the bedroom, or the study for that matter. Even a 104 year old virgin knows when he is not wanted. Or maybe, especially a 104 year old virgin knows when he is not wanted. I found him that night, perched in a hanging planter outside.

"What are you doing?

"Watching for rabbits."

"Rabbits? Why are you-" I stopped, I knew the answer. I neither needed nor wanted to hear it from him. He obliged me anyway.

"They are fluffy and delicious, like kittens with big puffy tails."



"The hell man? When did you eat a kitten?"

His butter-amber-golden-topaz eyes met mine, "Do you really want to know?"



No. In fact. I really don't. I don't want to know any of this. "Have you been eating McCoy's squirrels?"

"Not as good as rabbit, but not all that bad. More fun certainly."

"Stop it. Leave the squirrels in our yard alone. In fact, leave the squirrels for the next three or four houses alone. Actually, no squirrels. No rabbits. There are some mice out in the shed, eat those."

He pouted. "You understand that that's no fun at all?"

"I don't care. You're pissing McCoy off and I like him better than you." Yeah, I know, it was a terrible thing to say but you haven't been here, you have no idea what he's been like these past few months.

Tangential to all of this, let me bring you up to date on some other things. For Christmas, as a sort of impulse present for myself from Entertainment Earth, I got a mini-bust of Samwise Gamgee in his orc armor as well as a couple of other Black Friday deal things. Come on, they were like 80% off! I am the reason stores have sales, I really am. Anyway, Sam has been sitting on the edge of my desk, helping me with my homeworks and in general being a voice of reason in my ever maddening world.

"He only wants yer love, Mistress Heroine."

"Who? Edward?"

"Ay, he just wants you to like him."

"Well if he quits killing small, adorable animals I'd like him quite well."

Sam just harrumphed to himself and went back to polishing his sword. Not that way, you sicko. His actual giant orc swor.... oh I give up. Yes, he decided to do very naughty things. Are you happy?

The next few days went by in a blur of snow and tests, Valentine's came and went... all seemed to be going well. I was in the bedroom, reading a book Jessica sent me (I love you.) and generally trying to veg out a bit after my hard week.

Have you ever heard a horse scream? A pony? It is the most terrifying and heart-rending noise you could ever imagine. Now imagine it on the tiniest and most adorable scale your mind can comprehend.

I flew from my repose, gentle reader, but I didn't know where to go. The noise could have come from anywhere. I glanced about helplessly until I heard a muttering voice: "What have I done? Like candy? Delicious wrong candy? Melted in my mouth... what have I done?"

"Oh. My. God! What happened?"

From his vantage on the desk, Sam filled me in. McCoy was busy tending his patient and Edward... well, Edward was pretty far gone. "He bit her. Ate her all up."

"WHAT!?"

"Edward. He ate Moonshine. Tore into her like she was a nothing."

"EDWARD!"

"Like a bag of skittles, sweet sweet skittles. Oh god, oh god."

Well he was going to be useless. I knelt down next to McCoy where he had set up a triage table with Moonshine on it. "Is she...?"

"She's dead Heroine. I don't know how it worked, but it's like he sucked the life force right out of her." He glared over at the killer, "I told you he was dangerous."

I sat back and groaned. Moonshine was a gorgeous, bright pony with her whole life ahead of her. "Can't you- can't you do anything for her?"

"I'm a doctor, not a tinker. Whatever it was that made her... alive is gone now." He stood up, grabbing his phaser and I knew what was going to come next. I grabbed Edward quickly and went back to the bedroom.

I shut the door and set him on the bed. "What is the matter with you?"

"So hungry. Can't eat squirrels. Can't eat rabbits. Mice all gone... what to eat. Pretty pony, prancing pony. Tastes like rainbows..."


You are kidding me right? This is my fault? I didn't know! I swear it. I mean, yeah I knew mice were small and that after a while they'd probably run out - but I figured he'd come back and, I don't know, tell me when this happened. We would have found something for him. Maybe I'd have let up my squirrel ban.

Edward was in no condition to speak for himself, and not knowing what else to do I wrapped him back up in his box. We discovered last time this puts him into a kind of sleep mode. I went back into the study.

"You should just get rid of him. He's a damn menace."



"I know," I said, sitting down on the floor near the remains of poor Moonshine. "I know."

That happened last weekend, Edward has been in the closet since then (I'm resiting the urge to make an "In the closet" joke because these are grief-filled and trying times) awaiting my final decision on his fate. I think I might have to put him in his box for good. I don't know what else to do, honestly. McCoy keeps threatening to rip his head off and.... SWEET MARY MOTHER OF GOD.


Oh Jesus, a Vampony? Really? Is this what my life has come to? Red-eyed, tiny-fanged vamponies?

I don't even... I can't... I'm going to just go be elsewhere for awhile, okay?

The Lord of the Green Lantern

Have I ever told you my theory that the Rings of Power are in fact copies of the Green Lantern Power Ring - and that the Dark Lord Sauron was for some time a Green Lantern?

No? Oh, this story is awesome.

Also, I know that the true Lord of the Rings and Green Lantern fanboys (and girls) out there are going to vilify me for this and point out a dozen inconsistencies, but I do not care. Shuddup.

Also awesome, this picture. Look at how awesome it is. I made this (okay, I gimped this).

One ring to rule them in brightest day
One ring to bind them in blackest night
Beware my power... in the darkness where the shadows lie!

After the fall of Morgoth (I’ve already lost a few of you haven’t I?) Sauron at first tried to make good with the Valar on Eä but they wanted him to redeem himself and he wasn’t really up for that. Instead, he went into the lands of Middle-Earth to set himself up as a kind of god-king. He won over the humans and dwarfs pretty easily, but the elves still had a bee in their bonnet about the whole Island of Werewolves incident and those sisters don’t ever let nothin’ go, you follow?

Please keep in mind this is a simplified version of events and if you want the long version go read the Silmarillion and may the Lords of Valar have mercy on your soul because I sure as hell am not doing that again.

Now the annals of Middle-Earth history say that at this point Sauron disguised himself and went to the elves so that they would forge the nineteen rings of power, then forged his own in secret to have dominion over the others.

I'm not buyin' it. For all his bluster and might, Sauron was not the brightest bulb on the porch. Here’s my theory: after conquering the lands of men as a (seemingly) beneficial god, Sauron fell under the attention of the Guardians. Who were, in fact, the Valar who had chosen not to journey to Eä and instead stayed on Oa. I note here the similarity of the two names. Noted? Good.

The Guardians had, in their time, seen that the universe needed protectors and they – unwisely it turns out – offered the job of policing sector 2814 to Sauron who they knew to have been involved in the War of Wrath; even if they did not fully understand his involvement as it turns out. So they give him a Green Lantern Ring.

What an alarmingly bad idea.

Sauron goes to town, turns the men and dwarfs to his rule, but the elves possess their own strong magic and resist. This is shit up with which Sauron will not put. He spends years studying the ring, trying to figure out how he can use it to turn the elves to him. Eventually, he hits on the idea of seducing the elves to him with their own rings of power. Since they will be, in truth, mere copies of his he will ultimately have dominion over them through their own rings. The Guardians or Valar or whatever you want to call them handed Sauron control of Middle-Earth on a platter. As we know, the elves are not as dumb as their blonde hair would suggest and this goes very badly.

Sauron's ring is taken from him, but it will not bend to the will of its new owner. Sauron has invested so much of himself in his Ring of Power that he becomes little more than the energy contained in it, shining atop Barad-dûr as the embodiment of his own lantern until he can be reunited with his ring.

So yeah, to recap here: the One Ring was actually a Ring of Power, and Sauron was Earth’s first Green Lantern.

Thoughts?


*Note: Sauron's original name was Mairon, which if you're like me you'll read as Marion. Congratulations, the Dark Lord is 115% less terrifying. Also, lantern doesn't look like a word anymore.

Tattoo!

I got a new tattoo yesterday - and it is a product of how subsumed I am in twitter that it has taken me a whole day to get around to posting about it on my blog. So, sorry about that?

I have been holding on to this idea for a while, mainly because money has been (and still is) very tight. However, my birthday was Sunday and I got some moneys and I decided, What the Hell, let's do this.

The idea for the tattoo comes from The Lord of the Rings:

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king

I did debate with myself on whether to get "Deep roots are not touched by the frost," but ultimately decided that other parts of the poem spoke to me more. So away I went to Skinworks - your place for fine tattooing, and the lovely people who did my first four.

The man was responsible for the process (and yes, that is me he's working on) was named Phil, and if you know him, tell him I said Hi and that it's healing better than he expected - even if it's still kind of early to tell.


And the final result was this

written in Bilbo Baggins' handwriting.

Please ignore how scary pale my foot is. It always looks like that.

I know for a fact I am not the only person to have this phrase tattooed on them, but I am the only person I know of to have it tattooed across their foot. Which is, coincidentally, the only place I would want to have it. It just made the most sense.

For those of you curious, the arch of the foot did not hurt that much. In fact, I'd say it was the least painful of the tats I've gotten. Anyone keeping score at home, wrist was by far the worst.