Who told you that?

I don't understand... I literally have no frame of reference for what happened to me last night. I was studying for a midterm in Astronomy when I took a break to go tell my dad some fun facts (one day, one day my house remodel will be finished.... sigh).

"Hey dad, did you know that if you could find a sufficiently large pool of water Saturn would float?"

"Is that because it's gas?"

"No, it's because it's less dense than water, also, because it's made of gas."

"That's interesting."

"Oh, and if Jupiter were any bigger, it would be a star. I mean, phyiscally bigger, it'd have to be about eighty times more massive, but that's okay."

"A star huh? So what would that mean?"

That made me pause, not because I didn't know the answer but because the answer seemed so obvious I wasn't sure what he was asking. "Uh, we would be a two-star system. We'd have the sun and Jupiter both."

"The sun is a star?"

There are moments in your life, gentle reader, where despite not actually living in a movie you will find your life suddenly has sound effects. I heard this one: screeeeechh (It sounded a lot like a record needle scratching off of it's groove if that helps).

"Um. Yeah. What did you think it was?"

"I don't know, a planet?"

"A planet?" I'm pretty sure I started spluttering incoherently at this point. "No, no. It's a star, it just happens to be our star so we named it the Sun. Kind of like how we named the moon 'Moon'."

"Humph, who told you that?"

"Who told me-?" Sometimes I can't tell when my dad is messing with me or not, but we've talked about this since then and let me tell you: he was dead serious. He had no idea.

I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised, this is the same man who constantly argues with me over how we know anything we do about astronomy since we can't actually see it or measure it.

I say again, my father has so little understanding of what I want to do with my life that he honestly believes that we will just be making it up as we go. This both worries me and saddens me an awful lot.

Astrology

First of all, yes it's a load of bull. There are a lot of people out there who have covered the details of it better than I: see Phil Plait (I love you) here, or Dean Burnett here. If you believe that the astronomical position of the stars when you were born have some sort of effect on your life I have a bridge to sell you. Also some snake oil and the true blood of Jesus.

Even if you do believe in the hocus-pocus involved here, I've got fifty bucks that says you're not even doing it right.

Yeah, that's right - you're doing your wrong thing wrong.

Astrology is based on where the sun seems to be in a certain predefined set of constellations on the day you were born. Thus the sun was in the constellation Pisces when I was born in late February. As the earth revolves around the sun, the sun appears from our point of view to move through these constellations.

Y'all probably knew all of that, at least in passing fact. At some point you opened a newspaper, saw a strange looking word next to a set of date encompassing your birthdate and found out it was your "star sign". You've spent a fair portion of your life aware of your "star sign" even if you don't give a fig and think it is as silly as I do.

Except you're wrong.

Wrong wrong wrong.

The astrological calendars that were cobbled together were done so several thousand years ago. Which is all great and good if you're Sumerian*, but if you're a modern person like me it doesn't do you much good.

Stars, you see, move. They're moving and we're moving and the position of the stars in the sky is constantly changing. Enough that you might even notice a couple in your lifetime. Barnard's Star, for example, is practically rocketing across the sky at a rate of about 10 arcseconds a year (click for the wiki article which has a great graphic of Barnard's movement across the sky). That's a lot, for the record.

What it boils down to is that while a few thousand years ago if you were born in late February you would have been and a Pisces like me, these days the sun was more likely to be booking it through Aquarius when you were born. The first is your and mine astrological star sign, the second is our true astronomical star sign. Neither have any effect on your life by the way.

Basically, if you want to believe in astrology you get down with your bad self. I will continue to make fun of you and make very low estimations of your intelligence. But at least get it right.



*I don't know, and I don't care enough to look it up.

Movies Anonymous

"Uh... hi. My name is Nerd Heroine and I have bad taste in movies."

"Hi Nerd Heroine."

"I guess it started when I was a teenager. Other kids were talking about how good Braveheart was, I was sitting at home rewatching Tremors over and over."

*concerned mumbling*

"It just got worse and worse. ConAir, Snakes on a Plane, Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country, Young Guns 2. And it wasn't just a little here and there. I got into some really hard stuff: Deep Blue Sea, Alien3, Batman & Robin-"

*gasp*

"I know, I know, but the batsuit had nipples, how could I resist something that awesome?"

"It sounds like you had a real problem, what happened?"

"Oh I did, it got really bad for a while, I was watching the Star Wars Christmas Special and it wasn't even on a dare. Then I met someone, and for the first time I was ashamed. I mean, I never had been before, it never occurred to me that what I was doing was wrong you know? But suddenly I was watching clips on youtube and my DVDs were in a box in the attic. I didn't want him to know. I was terrified he'd find out. And one day, we went to see... oh god, it was awful."

"Let it all out, you'll feel better."

"We saw Terminator: Salvation."

"Oh dear."

"I know! I wasn't even thinking and he asked if I liked it and I just blurted out how great it was. The look in his eyes, I can still see it..."

"It's okay, it's okay. You've been walking a long and lonely road Heroine. Acceptance is the first step toward healing, you're on the right track. We can help you."

*polite clapping*

"Oh no, no, you don't understand. He liked it too! It turns out he doesn't have great taste in movies either!"

"Honey, this man, he's an enabler. You should get far away from him."

"But-"

"No. You need to look inside yourself, do you want to be that person? The one with the crazy DVD collection?"

"Kind of..."

"If you're not serious about getting help you should leave."

"I don't want help, I just want to let you know that there is someone out there for you, someone who will sit on the couch and watch Jaws 3 with you."

"You should leave."

"I'm still working on Batman and Robin, I'm not sure he's ready for that yet..."

"Out."

[All events above are purely fictional and comedic. I went to the midnight showing of Terminator: Salvation by myself. And it was awesome.]

The Goddamn Batman

Oh my gods. Oh my gods. Oh my gods.

I don't really like to label one thing over another as being the "best" because it's all subjective and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and really, at any given moment what is "best" is likely to change. It may also change depending on who I am talking to at any given moment.

All that being said.... I received the best birthday present in the mail last Monday from J. Yes it was a week late, no I do not care.

I got comics. Not just any comics either, BATMAN comics. Oh! and Buffy comics (which I really enjoyed, but come on... Batman!)



Did you just hear a choir of angels sing? 'Cause I sure did.

In case you can't see, the is Fray, Batman Year 100, Batman Year One, and The Killing Joke. All of which I read the same night. That's how excited I was. Is this the wrong place to admit that I had never read any of these before? In fact, my only Batman collection until now 'Arkham Asylum'.

Someone knows how to make me happy, let me tell you.

There were a couple other things in the package, but they were personal and without specifically talking to J (and because I want to keep some portion of my personal life private) I am not including them. Y'all will live, I'm sure.

So as a note to anyone out there who wants to win my eternal love and devotion, this is how you do it.

Can I also add here, that this post gave me reason enough to create a 'Batman' tag, and all is now right in my world?

Ok Go - This too shall pass

I am such a sucker for a Rube Goldberg machine, I really am. This is truly the best I have ever seen. The best part is, this is actually the music video for the song "This too shall pass" and I can only assume the guys in it are OK Go themselves.

Well done sirs.

Pearl Harbor Speech

On the 7th December, 1945 Japan attacked Pearl Harbor naval base in Hawaii. The next day President Franklin Roosevelt gave a speech on Capitol Hill asking Congress to declare war on Japan. As alway, please click on the link to read the full text.

Pearl Harbor Speech

It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Japanese Government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.

The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been lost. In addition American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.

[...]

But always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us. No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe that I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger

-Franklin D. Roosevelt 8th December, 1945

Riding a Squirrel like it was a Taun-Taun

(I don't really want to do too many of these as they are, very much, Cleolinda's thing. But it's been a while since she updated and I had an urge so.... yeah...)

Oh man, where do I even begin with the drama?

When last we left the dynamic duo, Edward Sparklepants Cullen had been grounded and was back in his box while I removed anything flammable from McCoy's reach. It was not surprising at all that Edward and McCoy would not get along - those two don't get along with anyone in canon, why would I expect different in real life? Because I am an eternal optimist that really really wants things to go well, that's why.

Yeah, I'm an idiot.

So, Christmas was a bad season here in the Heroine household. Lots of new toys, no time to mess with the old one. Most of my stuff is still packed from my not-move back in October, but I have a half dozen dolls and whatnot who are mostly capable of keeping themselves occupied. McCoy has spent most of the winter engaging in outside adventures; once I swear I saw him riding a squirrel across the snow like it was a Taun-Taun. He took a lot of shit for that from me. Mostly because how do you explain that to the neighbors?

Edward... let's just say that Edward is so far up Shit Creek by the time I'm writing this that I've considered setting him on fire myself. It all started one Thursday afternoon about three weeks ago....


"He's eating my squirrels."



I put down my pencil. Even crazy is a welcome break from Calculus. "Who is doing what in with the what now?"

"Sparklepants, he's been eating my squirrels."



"Your squirrels? And how do you know this?" Oh my god... "Do we have vampire squirrels? Tell me we don't have vampire squirrels." I went and threw the door open, "DOG! Get in here now."

"No, he's not turning them, but haven't you noticed there are less of them about?"


What does less squirrels look like? They still seemed to be everywhere, but McCoy wasn't prone to carrying tales... well, there was the one time Boromir got into it with Snape but that was ages ago. Three whole months at least.

"I'll talk with him."

Easier said than done. Edward no longer spent much time in the bedroom, or the study for that matter. Even a 104 year old virgin knows when he is not wanted. Or maybe, especially a 104 year old virgin knows when he is not wanted. I found him that night, perched in a hanging planter outside.

"What are you doing?

"Watching for rabbits."

"Rabbits? Why are you-" I stopped, I knew the answer. I neither needed nor wanted to hear it from him. He obliged me anyway.

"They are fluffy and delicious, like kittens with big puffy tails."



"The hell man? When did you eat a kitten?"

His butter-amber-golden-topaz eyes met mine, "Do you really want to know?"



No. In fact. I really don't. I don't want to know any of this. "Have you been eating McCoy's squirrels?"

"Not as good as rabbit, but not all that bad. More fun certainly."

"Stop it. Leave the squirrels in our yard alone. In fact, leave the squirrels for the next three or four houses alone. Actually, no squirrels. No rabbits. There are some mice out in the shed, eat those."

He pouted. "You understand that that's no fun at all?"

"I don't care. You're pissing McCoy off and I like him better than you." Yeah, I know, it was a terrible thing to say but you haven't been here, you have no idea what he's been like these past few months.

Tangential to all of this, let me bring you up to date on some other things. For Christmas, as a sort of impulse present for myself from Entertainment Earth, I got a mini-bust of Samwise Gamgee in his orc armor as well as a couple of other Black Friday deal things. Come on, they were like 80% off! I am the reason stores have sales, I really am. Anyway, Sam has been sitting on the edge of my desk, helping me with my homeworks and in general being a voice of reason in my ever maddening world.

"He only wants yer love, Mistress Heroine."

"Who? Edward?"

"Ay, he just wants you to like him."

"Well if he quits killing small, adorable animals I'd like him quite well."

Sam just harrumphed to himself and went back to polishing his sword. Not that way, you sicko. His actual giant orc swor.... oh I give up. Yes, he decided to do very naughty things. Are you happy?

The next few days went by in a blur of snow and tests, Valentine's came and went... all seemed to be going well. I was in the bedroom, reading a book Jessica sent me (I love you.) and generally trying to veg out a bit after my hard week.

Have you ever heard a horse scream? A pony? It is the most terrifying and heart-rending noise you could ever imagine. Now imagine it on the tiniest and most adorable scale your mind can comprehend.

I flew from my repose, gentle reader, but I didn't know where to go. The noise could have come from anywhere. I glanced about helplessly until I heard a muttering voice: "What have I done? Like candy? Delicious wrong candy? Melted in my mouth... what have I done?"

"Oh. My. God! What happened?"

From his vantage on the desk, Sam filled me in. McCoy was busy tending his patient and Edward... well, Edward was pretty far gone. "He bit her. Ate her all up."

"WHAT!?"

"Edward. He ate Moonshine. Tore into her like she was a nothing."

"EDWARD!"

"Like a bag of skittles, sweet sweet skittles. Oh god, oh god."

Well he was going to be useless. I knelt down next to McCoy where he had set up a triage table with Moonshine on it. "Is she...?"

"She's dead Heroine. I don't know how it worked, but it's like he sucked the life force right out of her." He glared over at the killer, "I told you he was dangerous."

I sat back and groaned. Moonshine was a gorgeous, bright pony with her whole life ahead of her. "Can't you- can't you do anything for her?"

"I'm a doctor, not a tinker. Whatever it was that made her... alive is gone now." He stood up, grabbing his phaser and I knew what was going to come next. I grabbed Edward quickly and went back to the bedroom.

I shut the door and set him on the bed. "What is the matter with you?"

"So hungry. Can't eat squirrels. Can't eat rabbits. Mice all gone... what to eat. Pretty pony, prancing pony. Tastes like rainbows..."


You are kidding me right? This is my fault? I didn't know! I swear it. I mean, yeah I knew mice were small and that after a while they'd probably run out - but I figured he'd come back and, I don't know, tell me when this happened. We would have found something for him. Maybe I'd have let up my squirrel ban.

Edward was in no condition to speak for himself, and not knowing what else to do I wrapped him back up in his box. We discovered last time this puts him into a kind of sleep mode. I went back into the study.

"You should just get rid of him. He's a damn menace."



"I know," I said, sitting down on the floor near the remains of poor Moonshine. "I know."

That happened last weekend, Edward has been in the closet since then (I'm resiting the urge to make an "In the closet" joke because these are grief-filled and trying times) awaiting my final decision on his fate. I think I might have to put him in his box for good. I don't know what else to do, honestly. McCoy keeps threatening to rip his head off and.... SWEET MARY MOTHER OF GOD.


Oh Jesus, a Vampony? Really? Is this what my life has come to? Red-eyed, tiny-fanged vamponies?

I don't even... I can't... I'm going to just go be elsewhere for awhile, okay?