Goals, I has them

A conversation I had via text with a friend. My friends are awesome BTW.


Me                                                                                                                     Me friend K
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OMG have I told you my new life goal?

You have not, what is it!?

I want someone to get me all tripped out on acid
and then take me to Disneyland.
Always get stoned under supervision. That's my motto.

Damn straight, safety first!

And I feel like Disneyland could be a very scary place on acid.

That's why I want a chaperone.
I feel it's an experience that could turn on you quickly.

Feel free to add this to your list of birthday ideas for me.
I'll buy the Disney tickets. :)

Lol, and that's why you plan ahead.

Hm... I think your idea might be genius... 

I was thinking of all the line-waiting, 

but tripping would make that way more fun

OMG K, do you see these flowers? 

DO YOU SEE THESE FUCKING FLOWERS?

"That's gum."

Lol

I think Goofy just bit me.

Im going to get cartoon rabies.

Its like regular rabies only instead of fomaing at the mouth 

you do that ah-ooga thing wolves do to hot chicks in cartoons.

I don't want to die this way K. Don't let me die this way!

Well [NH], at least those sound more fun than regular rabies. 

Thank God you went to hug Goofy 

and not that pidgeon you keep calling Donald.

But he's not wearing pants. 

Donald is the only bird that doesn't wear pants. Ergo...

You keep saying that, and I keep telling you that's just a pidgeon... 

although that's a different pidgeon than the one we started with... 

so that's... better?

(And then I sit in front of Cinderella's castle for three hours staring at my hair.)

It would be fucking AMAZING.

I'll do the same for you when you reach the equivalent birthday.

lol, you're a good frined.

*friend, sorry.

Missed an unintentional "fried" joke by *thismuch*

I was totally just thinking that... 

that and wondering if frined was a word. 

And then deciding it was not.

I think KFC gets frined in food poisoning cases.

And with that I bid you good night!

Ditto! Talk to ya later

Curiosity Landing

I feel like the Curiosity landing was planned by my five year old nephew:

Okay first we're going to just throw this at Mars. When we get there we'll use rockets to slow it down. A parachute will go *poof* but it's no good so then we'll launch another rocket from the rocket and it will fire MORE ROCKETS. But it's not going to land, it's going to just hover there and drop the thing down like a GI Joe out of a helicopter.

They should have named the thing "Occam would have a heart attack" and been done.

Anniversaries are not always good

A year ago today we buried my grandfather.

It's been a rough weekend.

Actual conversation after the ending of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

John: Actually, when Lincoln gave the Gettysburg address no one cheered, everyone thought it was shit.

Me: That's what you're choosing to nitpick over?

Discount this

Twice in the past week I have had to get into a discussion with a salesperson because of a clearly marked discount that they did not understand. And I mean this in the most generous sense possible: these were manufacturer's discounts the store was running on their behalf, not just some salesperson being dumb or oblivious. It was just obvious the store hadn't thought things through.

Both incident happened in the same store.

[Note: I'm about to enter and intensive 10-week course which will have me working 16 hour days so I'm stocking up on candies and cookies so I don't kill someone around week six. These will be kept in the car in case of me or other people emergency. Anyway...]

In the first case, there was a discount on M&Ms, $1.00 for any pack (sizes 1.6something or larger). I bought two packs of peanut butter M&Ms - sharing size which is like 3.something something. Larger to get to the point. Of course - they did not ring up with the discount and the clerk kept explaining to me over and over it only referred to the regular size bags, like in the picture. I told her I understood this, but the sign also clearly says or larger. We both agreed my sharing size bags were larger. Eventually she just gave up and sold me at that price. Winner = Me.

Now, tonight, I go in and see a deal which is 3 single serving Nabisco packs for $2. On the shelf were some Oreos, Chips Ahoy, something else, and Oreo Cakesters. All Nabisco, all single serving. I bring up three of the Cakesters because all the nom are mine thank you. Now the cakester packs, if you haven't seen them, are obviously a little larger than the others. But still single serving. Again, they ring up at something like $1.84 each and obviously not discounted. I start again, although this time I'm not as pushy because the sign says regular price is $.89 and these were clearly not that. But I did point out to the guy that he needs to move the cakesters in that case, since they're on the shelf with the things that are on sale and they have no price on them to let people know they're not. Winner = them :(

I know it's sometimes asking a lot of people, but please actually consider what you are actually offering before you commit to it. My examples are small scale, but they range all the way up to the guy who ended up winning an F-16 from Pepsi (who of course reneged).

Snow White and The Huntsman

If this movie was a fourth-grader, I would rate it as 'Exceeds Expectations'. I did not have high hopes for this movie, even considering I thought it looked beautiful and have been waiting for it for some time.

The plot is pretty much basic Snow White. Evil queen takes over kingdom, banishing young princess in some way. Princess escapes into forest, pursued by huntsman. Dwarves are met and help Snow White defeat the evil queen. The land rejoices.

But this movie grows up in many ways from the more traditional tellings - and is much truer to the original feel of the fairy tale (much darker).

I have to say, I like badass retellings of famous fairy tales. I like seeing the damsel in distress pick herself up and kick some ass. It's nice and really validates to me how much I loved these stories as a kid, and how much I still do. Seeing Snow White pick up her sword and charge the castle at the head of her own army is a big cheering moment.

The dwarves are one of the high points of the film - although after seeing Peter Dinklage do his thing in Game of Thrones, I'm wondering why they used full sized humans and visual effects instead of casting actual dwarves. (Is that correct? What's the PC term?) But they are awesome, a little bit of comic relief without undermining their own pain at the land dying around them.

(Note: There were occasions when I had no idea whatsoever what the dwarves and occasionally the Huntsman were saying. A combination of their accents and their deep, gruff, gravelly, 'I've seen things you can't even imagine' voices. It meant I missed things I'm super curious about.)

I've seen lots of people, and reviewers, taking exception on if this Snow White is objectively fairier than the Queen (that Kristen Stewart is more beautiful than Charlize Theron). They seem to take it as a plot device that you just have to buy into in order for the movie to move forward. But I disagree. Not that Kirsten is better looking than Charlize - that's a matter of preference and I think both are gorgeous. But on which is fairer. In that case, it's no contest between them. For all her beauty and poise, the Queen is not fair, she's not beautiful on the inside. Whereas Snow White is beautiful inside and out. She has compassion and joy in life where the Queen is bitter and angry. The word choice here is important, Who is the fairest of them all? The queen nominally qualifies, she is gorgeous - but Snow White is the whole package.

Another part of the movie that seems strange is the love interest angle. The movie definitely moves towards the idea that Snow White and the Huntsman belong together - the other love interest (the more appropriate one) gets short shrifted throughout the movie. It's a little confusing when you're watching because what seems like the designated love interest is extraneous to the move. Spoilers: In fact, it's the Huntsman who's kiss wakes Snow White from the apple bite. Looking at casting news, it looks like the originally had much older men in mind for the role: Viggo Mortenson, Hugh Jackman. And except for that one moment, the movie plays the Huntsman as being much older and more of a father/mentor than a love interest. But how could you waste Chris Hemsworth like that? The result is a weird dynamic between the three, and a scene that seems slotted in. Also, no clean ending to any of the romance.

Which is nice, because this movie, this story, isn't about Snow White finding the love of her life - or finding some to save her from the evils of the world. It's about her confronting her own fears and finding her own way. Becoming her own woman. I love to watch people fall in love - but on looking back I'm actually glad the movie ends on her becoming queen - not getting married or a kiss, but her standing in her crown in the moment she has earned.

So as usual I've glossed over the plot, which is fine, it's what I do. But I'll finish this fairly short review with I enjoyed the movie. Would like to see it again (not for $11 - but sometime) and will probably get the DVD.

IT - The Movie

Why am I doing this?

Let the liveblog of IT - the movie - commence...

You know what, the scariest part of the book for me is the beginning with Georgie. The movie starts no different, as I'm typing there are some cheap thrills with blood leaking from Georgie's picture and the thing itself winking at him - but the moment where little adorable Georgie and the clown chat is undercut with such menace that it gives me shivers. I'm sitting here thinking that there's no way that Pennywise will get him because he's just too adorable for words. But of course that makes no difference in this world.

Adult Bill is a jackass, for the record. He's mean to Audra and I can totally see why he'll end up cheating on her down the line.

Adult Ben is about the weirdest flirt there is "Would you believe I used to be fat. Like butterball fat. Fat fat fat. You have no conception of how fat I was."

In the book, the whole thing with Henry Bowers seems natural - if evil. In the movie it feels very forced. They're being assholes because the script calls for it - not because they have any reason to (evil or otherwise).

Adult Beverly gets away with little fuss. Young Beverly also has some trouble and there's instant attraction between Bill & Bev. Suddenly, I'm remembering the 'Let's fuck for hope' scene in the book and I'm having a bad feeling.

Seth Green is cute as shit as Richie, although he looks at least five years older than everyone else. Young Stanley looks familiar, but IMDB says it's the only thing he's ever been in so....

The kid's families inability to see the weirdness works much better on film than in the book though.

Tim Curry is obviously having the time of his life being Pennywise which means I'm having trouble being scared by it. Or It I suppose. I know I'm supposed to be, but I'm not.

Well, I'm happy to see that movie kids have the good sense to bring flashlights into the sewers with them - instead of matches like a bunch of dumbasses.

OH! I just realized who Stanley looks like - Joseph Gordon-Levitt. It's not him, but

LOL Henry's hair turns white - from fright I can only assume. I totally lost my train of thought when that happened.

I want to also point out I keep pausing the movie to do other things because I'm more than a little bored. Why is this 3-hours long!?! I looked up some online reviews and most people are like, the book is over 1,000 pages of course the movie is three-hours.

But you know what? The book is about 800 pages too long too.

And I missed the climax of the kid's part while I was typing that. It was pretty anti-climatic, actually. Am I jaded by modern movies? The answer is yes.

This is the part in the book where Bev has sex with everyone - 12-year-old Bev I want to clarify. I don't want you to think this is in any way okay. Thankfully the movie is skipping that nonsense.

Oh no, adult Stan just killed himself.   :(    <-- sadface is sad

End part One. I guess. My DVD just stopped. Maybe that's all of the movie I get.

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So there is a Part Two.

Ha, I just noticed that the scene selection thing - which is a balloon - goes to a blood splatter when you select something.

Fuck you Tim Curry, you're starting to actually freak me out more than a little. Stop that shit.

*cough* Anyways...

Richie drives into town and is much more perturbed by the Paramount having closed down than the fact that it got renamed from the Aladdin between the book and movie.

Should I be laughing at Pennywise's antics in the library? Probably not, but damn it Tim Curry, quit having such a good time!

I read somewhere that that's Tim Curry's actual hair, dyed one can only assume. If it's not, nobody disillusion me of this pleasethanks.

Why and how are we still having flashbacks? We already saw them defeat the monster in the first part.

It is really a 50/50 thing for me. Either I'm entertained by Tim Curry and how awesome he is - or he's scaring the crap out of me. No middle ground of 'Oh look, it's Tim Curry.'

FISGZSKHJA;BFDKLN WHY IS NICE OLD MAN SPEAKING WITH PENNYWISE VOICE!?! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

And they're all meeting up at the Chinese restaurant but they don't know that Stanley is dead.

:(  <-- sadface

Ominous fortune cookies are ominous. And... there they go. Ew ew ew ew. Never eating a fortune cookie again. Wait, is the turtle in the movie? Oh please oh please, I have been so good this year. {Note from the future: there's no turtle in this movie.}

I will never look at balloons the same way again and talking heads are freaky even without going on in the Pennywise voice.

Awwww, Henry Bowers grew into everyone's favorite uncle.  The slightly crazy one who rents R movies for you and your friends. I'm not sure I can be scared of this guy. And FUCK ALL THIS TALKING IN PENNYWISE VOICE SHIT. NO MORE. I say. NO MORE.

HAHAHAHAHA Dog in a clown costume! Dog in a clown costume! HAHAHAHA. Thanks for that movie.

So here's a side story, when I was about eleven or twelve I saw the Disney version of The Three Musketeers on video*. My best friend and I instantly fell in love with the whole thing and since then I can say, with no exaggeration, I've seen it well over 100 times. I know the Sting/Bryan Adams/ Rod Stewart song pretty much by heart. [Let's make it all for one/ and all for love!] This is the version with all the eye-candy - Keifer Sutherland, a young (ie not [very] drug-addled) Charlie Sheen, a fairly slim Oliver Platt, Chris O'Donnell and a vicious and awesome Tim Curry as the villain. Now, I know Tim Curry is not exactly an attractive man. You know this too, even if you are attracted to him. He objectively looks evil. But for some reason he was probably my first villain crush. If you don't count Hexxus in Fern Gully who, in his first song, caused me to spontaneously enter puberty. Is it coincidence he was also voiced by Tim Curry? I think not.

What I'm trying to say here is I have a sort of love/lust/hate relationship with Tim Curry. He equal parts freaks me out and turns me on. So when, in the course of this movie, Pennywise starts growling "Don't you want it?" over and over... I kind of got a hot and bothered until I actually looked up at the TV and saw that giant clown face with glowing eyes and pointy teeth. My future sexual fantasies are going to be fucking weird.

* For those of you born after 1990, videos were the things that came before DVDs and they were a giant pain in the ass. You couldn't just skip to parts you liked, but had to wait while the VCR mechanically spooled the tape in the direction you indicated. There were no bonus features except occasionally previews for upcoming movies which if you tried to skip you ran the risk of missing the first part of the movie too. They sucked. People of the past should be ashamed of themselves.

Moving on!

Why is Mike Hanlon staying at the hotel? Did I miss the part where this was explained? Wait! Henry Bowers uses sneak attack! It is super effective!

Is Bev going to screw Ben instead of Bill? Okay, I can get behind that. So can he apparently.

Ba-dump-cha! Thank you, I'm here all week.

WHAT THE HOLY FUCK THAT WAS PENNYWISE?!? Ben does not harbor the same conflicting desires for Pennywise as I do it seems. That's probably for the best.

And there goes Henry.   :(   <-- sadface is getting too much use

"Why is It so mean?!" HAHAHAHA Bev. Really? In the cuddle with Ben she starts saying the same thing Pennywise did in his cuddle with Ben (Ben gets all the cuddles). And Ben freaks the fuck out. Rightfully so. Bill gets no action in this movie.

Wait, this is new. Ten years ago Mike went to find It. It gave him grey hair. I'm not sure what this new scene is accomplishing.

I zoned out for a bit, I think they're going after It. Yep, there they go. With flashlights again. Good boys. And Bev. Who's been pretty useless I must say.

ACK. Georgie's boat is creepy, and why are you standing over a drain? You know that's how It comes. Bill taunts It while continuing to stand over the drain because he is an IDIOT.

Pennywise shows up to taunt them, and I have a sneaking feeling this might be the last time we see him as the book ends with a giant spider, not the clown. Also a turtle. Please let there be a turtle.

Awww, Eddie fesses up to not being married (which he is in the book) and to being a virgin - which in the book Bev relieves him of. So I'm super confused right now. Also, Eddie dies doesn't he? This is all kinds of sad. {Note from the future: And pointless.)

Matte-painting of spiderwebs is interesting. Giant 80s effect spider is meh. Close-ups are better.

Bill gets hypnotized, Ben runs in to help and gets hypnotized. Richie makes the losers 0 for 3. I'm not sure where Bev went but Eddie comes to the rescue with his inhaler. Well, sort of. The spider kind of mostly starts eating him. But Bev shoots it. Not killing it. It runs away so they give chase (leaving a [dead?] Eddie behind).

Then they attack it with their bare hands and it's HILARIOUS. They pull out its heart and it dies. Yes, I'm not capitalizing it in this case because the spider is not It. Whatevs.

But they DO carry Eddie out of the sewers which is nice. It bugged me in the book that they left him down there.

Wait, the town didn't collapse on itself? That's bullshit. The idea that Derry is part of It was intrinsic to the book. Leaving that out makes the whole thing just, meaner, somehow. It means that the adults turned away because they were genuinely bad, that Henry Bowers was literally a psycho, that all of the murders remain mostly uninvestigated because the police are douches. This is not good cricket, movie version of book. Not good cricket at all.

But we do get the bicycle ride of hilarity which magically heals his wife for no discernible reason. Which means It has left me giggling rather than scared.

So that's nice.

WHY IS PENNYWISE LAUGHING AT THE END OF MY MOVIE? WHY ARE WE ENDING ON CIRCUS MUSIC? NOTHING IS BEAUTIFUL AND EVERYTHING HURTS.

I'm going to watch some My Little Pony now. Fuck this shit.

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My reading of It...

IT Part One
IT Part Two
IT - Intermission 
IT Part Two (redux)
IT Part Three
IT Part Four
IT Part Five